Anonymous wrote:If her appearance is a priority to you, you can't begrudge what she spends on it. I'd never spend that much but I have grey hair I cut myself, I cut my own fingernails and toenails, and I spend nothing on makeup. I spend $150/month on moisturizer/skin care because I have super sensitive skin. I wear comfy clothes and I'm always casually dressed. I am overweight and don't make time for exercise.

If you want your wife to keep prioritizing her appearance, you can't begrudge her that investment. And shoot, $100/month for her to occasionally buy a food treat for herself is nothing!

Her looks are not a priority, and I’ve never given that messaging. I do think she looks great - physique and how she dresses - and I tell her that. She did not have the expensive barre membership until after kids. She’s never been into working out but she has mentioned being self conscious about the weight gain after kids.

Yes, as some posters pointed out, some of this is me wishing she’d cut back now that our HHI dropped by almost half. If anything it increased with things like the gym, coffee/lunches, frequent purchasing of children’s clothing. I haven’t bothered to research it but I’m pretty sure kids clothing could cost less than what she’s spending. She used to work from home too and rarely got coffee out, etc. So I do wonder how much of this is the full time mom effect. Though I can’t say for sure, since we didn’t track closely before kids.

Being a stay at home mom is tough, I get it. She takes GREAT care of the kids - cooks nutritional meals for them, always trying to do new activities and outings with them, really on top of all their stuff. But like someone said, I also feel like the clothing packages are a little more frequent compared to when she worked?

There is not much else to cut if we want to save more. We don’t have other large buckets of recurrent monthlies. We could cut the twice a month cleaners and law service. Like I said when we sat down to do this together, my monthly discretionary spending was so low that there is nothing to cut (she wants me to have a gym membership and get haircuts every 3-4 months).

Having a young kid, or several, is a form of austerity, in and of itself. You have limited time for yourself, your friends, a social life, an identity outside of "parent". And she's at home, working as a childcare and household manager full time?

Don't make her do all that and implement austerity measures. You can afford it. Right now, focus on saving her identity and her sanity. Once the kids are older and in school, she can switch focus to saving money/making more.

Your wife is doing so much more than you seem to realize, and her spending isn't unreasonable. Unless it's a hardship to you, support her financially while she supports you and your new(ish) family in all these other non-financial ways.

And she still cares about looking good for you? Bro, don't complain!!!

Do you have plenty of savings? It looks like your wife is still spending at a 2-income level.

If her appearance is a priority to you, you can't begrudge what she spends on it. I'd never spend that much but I have grey hair I cut myself, I cut my own fingernails and toenails, and I spend nothing on makeup. I spend $150/month on moisturizer/skin care because I have super sensitive skin. I wear comfy clothes and I'm always casually dressed. I am overweight and don't make time for exercise.

If you want your wife to keep prioritizing her appearance, you can't begrudge her that investment. And shoot, $100/month for her to occasionally buy a food treat for herself is nothing!

OP here. Since quite a few people asked - she has a barre membership. It does have childcare, not free, but pretty cheap. She does go 3-4 times a week. She’s not really interested in weights or cardio machines so never was interested in a regular gym membership.

Yes, I do spend on myself but I mentioned the hair and gym as comparable categories. I work from home and probably eat lunch out one to two times a week. I rarely get coffee out. As for kids clothing - yes that is not for her but she is in control of how much to buy and there seems to always be another “cute outfit” every week. Our kids do look very cute but these add up!

This is the first time we sit down to discuss expenses on such a detailed level. She has not pointed out anything on my part she would like me to cut. I don’t have expensive hobbies like some earlier posters mentioned. My discretionary spending is very low. We don’t do expensive birthday gifts for me (my wife always plans a nice experience for us though). Until recently I haven’t even thought to look into her expenses because before the kids she was contributing good money too. We only did this now because the arrival of the second will postpone her return to work and I am more worried about not saving enough.

Appreciate the responses here, guess it’s not too abnormal for this area. Guess it’s good routine maintenance of a man isn’t nearly as much, we would be broke!

I think this amount is normal for stay at home moms. Not normal for working moms who don't have time to spend money on this crap.

I make 7 figures and don't spend nearly as much as your wife, but easily could if I wasn't working. My gym is $40/month, because I don't have time to go to a fancy gym, so mostly use the bike in the garage and run outdoors. The cheap gym is just for rainy days. I do spend $250 every 10 weeks on cut and color, but like another poster, my job is in front of people so I need that. Same for clothes, though I probably only spend $500 every quarter on clothes. I spend maybe $150 every 3 months on skin stuff (tretinoin prescription for $90, plus a sensitive skin wash, and fancier shampoo). No mani/pedi, no massage - no time for those. I work from home, so yogurt and fruit or similar for lunch, so no coffees and Starbucks budget. I do spend periodically on a big bag or similar, but hey, I make seven figures. Your wife doesn't. I'm not sure a HHI of $250k in Bethesda justifies 2 expensive purses plus mani/pedis lifestyle. I mean, that's the HHI of two kids who just graduated college.

It looks more than fine. As many have mentioned, some of us have different priorities but the amounts we spend are often more. That's not to say a mutual agreement to save more isn't a great thing, I just wouldn't stress her over it as that isn't worth it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At that HHI you need to have a serious talk about some of those items.

Our HHI is $600,500 and I don’t spend half of that on myself. Mostly because I work full time and have 3 kids. I never have time to do that sort of stuff for myself. No gym membership - outdoors is free. I run or walk and then have weights and peloton at home when needed.

Hair cuts - I thankfully don’t have to color my hair and it’s long and thick. So I get it cut every 4 months or so and it costs $60

Coffee - just make coffee at home and bring it in a cup

Hand bags and luxury items - if you are a SAHM when so you use these things? The only nice stuff I have is the jewelry my husband insists on getting me even when I tell him it’s not necessary

People have different priorities and that's OK. I'm more on your end of the spectrum than OP's wife, but just because my hair and nails are au natural and I work out in my basement doesn't mean I don't have my splurges (monthly massages, trips to Disney World). My husband really hates any kind of obvious make-up or plastic surgery, which is why we're a good match. But plenty of people enjoy that stuff and life is too short for me to care.

I'll admit, every so often I realize I'm aging and buy some expensive SkinMedica product, lol.

I think it's really not interesting for us to judge whether these specific purchases were good or bad; they're morally neutral. What matters is the household budget.

DP. I agree with this idea. I posted on page 1, questioning OP self reported spend. It’s not really what’s normal or even the value of each purchase. I think, in accordance with the household budget, each adult should get a discretionary budget to manage as s/he wishes. That keeps value neutral as you have said, PP.

But now I am going to indulge a little bit on my petty side. I don’t spend like this on beauty items so I am not talking about my relationship, but who are these guys who date and marry women who spend money to maintain a certain look and then are shocked that this look takes money (and time)?

Anonymous wrote:At that HHI you need to have a serious talk about some of those items.

Our HHI is $600,500 and I don’t spend half of that on myself. Mostly because I work full time and have 3 kids. I never have time to do that sort of stuff for myself. No gym membership - outdoors is free. I run or walk and then have weights and peloton at home when needed.

Hair cuts - I thankfully don’t have to color my hair and it’s long and thick. So I get it cut every 4 months or so and it costs $60

Coffee - just make coffee at home and bring it in a cup

Hand bags and luxury items - if you are a SAHM when so you use these things? The only nice stuff I have is the jewelry my husband insists on getting me even when I tell him it’s not necessary

People have different priorities and that's OK. I'm more on your end of the spectrum than OP's wife, but just because my hair and nails are au natural and I work out in my basement doesn't mean I don't have my splurges (monthly massages, trips to Disney World). My husband really hates any kind of obvious make-up or plastic surgery, which is why we're a good match. But plenty of people enjoy that stuff and life is too short for me to care.

I'll admit, every so often I realize I'm aging and buy some expensive SkinMedica product, lol.

I think it's really not interesting for us to judge whether these specific purchases were good or bad; they're morally neutral. What matters is the household budget.

I think she could find a less expensive gym and cut the nail appointments significantly. She could do them at home, or let her nails go bare sometimes. And presumably, the wife is an adult who is no longer growing - she doesn't need to buy clothes every couple of months. That's VERY excessive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am assuming the gym has good childcare? You would be paying for a private babysitter otherwise? My LT fitness membership cost $300 and was worth it. Cheapper then a babysitter. The $300-600 on clothing seems a little steep. I would try to get an exact budget for clothing.

Every couple of months? Not at all.

It's quite a range.......

Not really!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At that HHI you need to have a serious talk about some of those items.

Our HHI is $600,500 and I don’t spend half of that on myself. Mostly because I work full time and have 3 kids. I never have time to do that sort of stuff for myself. No gym membership - outdoors is free. I run or walk and then have weights and peloton at home when needed.

Hair cuts - I thankfully don’t have to color my hair and it’s long and thick. So I get it cut every 4 months or so and it costs $60

Coffee - just make coffee at home and bring it in a cup

Hand bags and luxury items - if you are a SAHM when so you use these things? The only nice stuff I have is the jewelry my husband insists on getting me even when I tell him it’s not necessary

Aren’t Pelotons expensive AF? And don’t they have some sort of monthly subscription?

Pp - I think our peloton membership is like $30 a month. And both my husband and I use it. So split that in half if you are keeping track of how much we each spend per month. And we bought it 5 years ago.

How much did it cost 5 years ago?

I don’t actively give a $h!t, BTW. Just find it obnoxious when people pretend their expensive home gym equipment was free. (Also, if you’re really being honest, you spent more on a bigger house than you need. We know this because it’s big enough to accommodate an exercise bike. Let’s break down that monthly cost as well, right?)

+1 Also, how wonderful your hair is thick, shiny, and doesn't need coloring yet. Come back when it does and tell us how much you're spending then.

Normal

I think it’s normal.

no not at all!