Anonymous wrote:As a kid, there were things that I thought were only in movies (just normal human interactions), but then when I spent time at my friend's houses I realized they are normal things that normal families do. I came to the conclusion that my parents were defective. For some reason, I never felt like I had to seed their validation. Instead I decided that they will miss out on who I really am. I feel more sad for them than for myself, because I grew from it but they didn't.

What were some of the normal things you mentioned?

I find it hard to picture parents not giving advice or support to their kids. That is the whole...job. I don't really understand. What do you define as advice and support?

Anonymous wrote:savior = off the charts organized with excessive executive function

Completely off topic but this is me, thank you for the insight. I do love to “save” “airheads” such as my dad, my ex, and my kid. I need to go easy on my kid, I know.

Mental disorders or NeuroAtypical

Still learning. Caused myself lots of unnecessary stress and problems over the years due to total lack of knowledge about the way the world works and how to get along with people. Life’s always felt way harder than it needed to, and when I was young I was always confused about how my peers just knew how to do things. Some examples of things they didn’t teach me that held me back: cooking, professional dressing and hygiene, the necessity of internships during college, networking, how to study, group socializing, money management, college applications, getting to know professors for graduate school recommendations, and so much else.

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone grow up with parents who provided zero life guidance and emotional support/growth during their childhood and formative years? How did you deal? How did you learn the tools to have an emotional life and personal growth? Did your siblings learn?

Recovering hyper independent youngest daughter here

Anonymous wrote:I don't think most of us who were teens in the 80s ever got much advice. We just watched our parents and learned and saw how they worked and what they did, which is how we developed life and work skills.
I don't remember a single talk about what I should study or do as a job.

Me either. I turned out OK. I probably offer my own kids too much advice and they will write in later that their mom was uber controlling and/or disappointed in how their lives turned out lol.

Anonymous wrote:This is my husband's family. Though, he will never admit it. It turned out okay for him and his brother since the boys were put on a pedestal due to being really talented athletes and ended up with great coaches that acted as mentors. His sisters, however, both have really struggled and never successfully been able to launch.
The only life advice my husband has ever been given is through coaches, mentors at work, or good friends. He would never call up his parents and ask how to handle a situation. Which to me is baffling, since I grew up in such a supportive family, and has caused issues in our marriage since my husband is often the first in line to be called when any issues arises (sister got arrested lets call our son to fix it). I've never heard my husband call his family to discuss anything beyond sports, or to fix one of their problems. His parents did not even know our child had been diagnosed with autism. When I asked my husband why he didn't tell them, he responded, Why would I?
Which I get.

Similar here.
My spouse calls my dad for advice, and his family has no idea who we are actually doing at anything - house, kids, health, sports, work, life. You can tell them but nothing registers and they think you talk too much!

If they have an obligatory call it’s about whatever book his mom read or movies out streaming. Never about actual life or advice or how people are feeling or really doing.

My spouse however was diagnosed with high functioning autism, at age 39 when we didn’t know why he was stonewalling and hiding away from his newborn and toddler and me. We assumed it was adhd. One kid has her DX of HFA too in 4th grade. And I assume his sibling and both parents have it as well. Now that we’ve read so much about it plus parenting classes, therapy, support groups.

My parents were very neglectful. My mother is simply not a maternal woman. For years I tried to find an alternative mother figure, seeking out unconditional love and just having someone see me. I stopped doing that a couple years ago because I realized no one will ever provide that for me. I am now focused on my own family and on achieving my goals. One tremendous source of support has been DCUM. I learned so much from the women who post on here, everything from having self respect to how to handle coworkers to parenting. The social capital the women who post here have is immense, unlike anything I was ever exposed to as a child of uneducated blue collar low caste immigrants.

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone grow up with parents who provided zero life guidance and emotional support/growth during their childhood and formative years? How did you deal? How did you learn the tools to have an emotional life and personal growth? Did your siblings learn?

Like others have said, I became very resilient and inward. This can be good and bad. The good is I’m extremely independent, high executive functioning, don’t need or crave external validation, excelled at pretty much everything I did. The bad is, I can get sucked into toxic relationships and on multiple occasions ended up with men who are “father figure” types. But they never ended well because I both craved a paternal figure and hated any kind of authority.

The other longer negative impact is, I’m reckoning and struggling with “defective parents” in my 30s and after I had my own kids. I didn’t really understand the damage the did until I was exposed to more normal and loving families in my twenties, and after I got married / had kids. I struggle with feeling purpose and meaning , and have had to very actively manage my anxiety otherwise it can eat me whole. My indifferent relationship with validation means I can be very unmotivated by all the things that usually motivate people.

One of the few things I can feel positive about and motivated by is to not repeat the pattern and be good to my kids.

This is my husband's family. Though, he will never admit it. It turned out okay for him and his brother since the boys were put on a pedestal due to being really talented athletes and ended up with great coaches that acted as mentors. His sisters, however, both have really struggled and never successfully been able to launch.
The only life advice my husband has ever been given is through coaches, mentors at work, or good friends. He would never call up his parents and ask how to handle a situation. Which to me is baffling, since I grew up in such a supportive family, and has caused issues in our marriage since my husband is often the first in line to be called when any issues arises (sister got arrested lets call our son to fix it). I've never heard my husband call his family to discuss anything beyond sports, or to fix one of their problems. His parents did not even know our child had been diagnosed with autism. When I asked my husband why he didn't tell them, he responded, Why would I?
Which I get.

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone grow up with parents who provided zero life guidance and emotional support/growth during their childhood and formative years? How did you deal? How did you learn the tools to have an emotional life and personal growth? Did your siblings learn?

Yes; they were both incredibly self-centered and immature (probably narcisstic) and carried a lot of their own "stuff" from childhood.

I floundered a LOT, had bad relationships, partied, held low-paying jobs, and was generally chaotic from 18-25/26, when I matured naturally and became more focused on what I hoped to achieve in life. I was able to put myself through school (twice) and live a really beautiful life now, but I find that it's hard for me to be deeply emotionally attuned to my kids today. I make an effort but parenting - true parenting - does not happen naturally, and I find myself picking up phrases/practices of good parents around me.

My brother has more trouble accessing his own internal emotional life, and does what's "expected" of him (by parents, society, whatever) - he's a real joiner and I think this has given him structure in life.

I have a brother who still lives with my parents. He is now pushing 60, much older. He has caused a lot of pain.

Now I am actively managing them. I am trying to unravel all of the dysfunction that was my family. I am using was bc I needed to distance myself from them!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Lifelong learning. Sibling was worse off as they were the first child. I learned from observing that and got out as soon as I could. What p* me off now is that they're elderly and expect all kind of support. It's as if it's always been about them, all their lives. And no, I'm keeping low contact. Mom tried to re-imagine me as her "best friend" out of nowhere once dad passed and it was so out of place.

Now in their 70s, my parents are genuinely confused because all their friends want to spend time with their adult kids and grandkids and don't have time for them. I get to hear a lot of complaining about how "Barbara can't come to bridge because her grandkids' recital is the same day. Why would she want to hear a bunch of screeching violins?" But they still don't want to spend time with their own kids, lol.

The complaining, deflecting and lame excuses! The My way or the Highway!


Who wants to watch a kids soccer game!? Waste o time, how do you do it? Sports are so stupid.

Who wants to hear a screeching violin recital? Yuck.

Who’s wants to decorate their house for the holiday, yuck!?

Who wants to go on a beach vacation, let’s just visit and stay at the uncle’s house in six mos. Vacations are a waste of money

Weddings are such a waste, not going to that, plus they want a present a bet! Parties are so stupid. Who would we houseguest with to attend the wedding?

I don’t know what I thought about the Annapolis day trip, it was ok I guess.

Why did you buy the 6 yo that (bespoke British brand pencil case) on your London trip? I can make that myself. What a waste of money.

I don’t know what I thought about coming along on your beach trip for winter break, I havent seen the other beaches.


Yup, that’s my self centered in laws.
They don’t open their mouths much, but when they do it’s all zingers, put downs and nonsense.

Just think of all the money you’ll inherit from them one day!

There is a given what markets did! But they don’t spend or enjoy any of it. At least not the 15 years I’ve known them.

It will prob all go to the single HFA brother who still lives with them at age 40+.
They wouldn’t want us to blow it all on evil basketball lessons or a summer vacation trip.

Anonymous wrote:Yep. Most of Gen X. Even those of us whose parents never divorced. Significant therapy and still trying to understand finances. My parents have little space for self reflection or conversations about feelings. Mom still talks at me. I’m reading about cycle breaking and doing the work, which is not out loud or direct with them. It’s been liberating to not get hooked into their patterns. At times I envy my sibling who married into a supportive and communicative family. My spouse is similar to myself minus doing the work to heal. It’s slow going reparenting myself and he does see the value. I’m hopeful and steadier. Have an excellent chosen family.

Adding I don’t think they could have done any better than they did. I know they did the best they could. They were pretty checked out minus basic care. We weren’t exactly neglected or dirty. hard to explain.