Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assuming this isn't a troll, I think it's ridiculous. I had my kids out of wedlock at 22 and 24 with the same man who I had dated since since I was a teen. Bad choice? Yes. But I learned from it and it wasn't my worst choice. I wanted kids more than marriage and I got them. But someone with this attitude I would want to stay far away from anyways, so continue.

"You can't fire me, I quit"

This guys is more common than you think. This is why I my opinion so many women once they are done raising kids suddenly can no longer tolerate their DHs. When they wanted those kids they were blinds to their DHs faults but once they reached that ultimate goal of having children DH is now on borrowed time.

There are accidental pregnancies and sometimes people in long term relationships decide to have a child together. Not everyone wants marriage.

As long as he is / was an actively involved parent, it wouldn't matter to me if the child was conceived in marriage.

Not really.

Only because this is 2024 & our society doesn’t necessarily look down on people who have children w/out being married.

Reason being is that more people are independent now, and they make their own decisions in their lives for them + them only.

Not based on what society or other people dictate.

Sure it is okay to believe in tradition and if that is how you think that is clearly okay to do.
Depending on how important this issue is to you it can affect the dating dynamics that modern dating can entail.

I personally wouldn’t write off a man who had a child out of wedlock just based on that one fact……
Other things would impact whether or not I would date him such as his relationship w/his child now + whether or not he is playing an active part in that child’s life currently.

In other words, the present would be more important to me than the past in a case like this.

I can understand one accidental kid out of wedlock but two is a huge red flag.

Anonymous wrote:Child out of wedlock…fine.
Children, unless twins, out of wedlock….not ok.

Accidents happen, mistakes are made. Repeating those mistakes is an issue.

I think this is where I land. Once is once.

Multiple no thank you.


I also care about how a man treats his children. It doesn't matter if the kids were created in wedlock if he's a crap dad. Who is barely involved post divorce

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol. So divorce establishes the permission structure. “See? I’m not the only one who thought he was marriage material.”

So weird.

No, that is not the logic. I’d marry someone who was never married as well. Divorce says….I think having a baby with someone is serious enough to warrant marriage. It sucks that the marriage didn’t work out. There is surely stuff to investigate on why it ended. But we are on the same page with respect to the importance of kids being born inside of marriage. Everyone doesn’t have to agree. Those just happen to be my values, and something I want my partner to agree with.

Yep. People who have kids out of wedlock are trashy.

This is really parochial and low class thinking.

Classic case of projection.

1 out of wedlock is fine especially if young. 2 or more is lifestyle.

Anonymous wrote:Assuming this isn't a troll, I think it's ridiculous. I had my kids out of wedlock at 22 and 24 with the same man who I had dated since since I was a teen. Bad choice? Yes. But I learned from it and it wasn't my worst choice. I wanted kids more than marriage and I got them. But someone with this attitude I would want to stay far away from anyways, so continue.

"You can't fire me, I quit"

Assuming this isn't a troll, I think it's ridiculous. I had my kids out of wedlock at 22 and 24 with the same man who I had dated since since I was a teen. Bad choice? Yes. But I learned from it and it wasn't my worst choice. I wanted kids more than marriage and I got them. But someone with this attitude I would want to stay far away from anyways, so continue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol. So divorce establishes the permission structure. “See? I’m not the only one who thought he was marriage material.”

So weird.

No, that is not the logic. I’d marry someone who was never married as well. Divorce says….I think having a baby with someone is serious enough to warrant marriage. It sucks that the marriage didn’t work out. There is surely stuff to investigate on why it ended. But we are on the same page with respect to the importance of kids being born inside of marriage. Everyone doesn’t have to agree. Those just happen to be my values, and something I want my partner to agree with.

Yep. People who have kids out of wedlock are trashy.

This is really parochial and low class thinking.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol. So divorce establishes the permission structure. “See? I’m not the only one who thought he was marriage material.”

So weird.

No, that is not the logic. I’d marry someone who was never married as well. Divorce says….I think having a baby with someone is serious enough to warrant marriage. It sucks that the marriage didn’t work out. There is surely stuff to investigate on why it ended. But we are on the same page with respect to the importance of kids being born inside of marriage. Everyone doesn’t have to agree. Those just happen to be my values, and something I want my partner to agree with.

What if the guy wanted to get married but the mother didn’t? It takes two to have a wedding.

The fact that she didn’t want to marry him…..says something.

I was engaged to had had 2 kids with my now ex, but I ended the relationship. I'm always surprised that the fact that we never ultimately married wasn't a red flag to the woman he married after me, but doubtless he lied to her.

If they are involved and pay child support that should be fine. I’d be worried if there was no investment in the kids’ lives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol. So divorce establishes the permission structure. “See? I’m not the only one who thought he was marriage material.”

So weird.

No, that is not the logic. I’d marry someone who was never married as well. Divorce says….I think having a baby with someone is serious enough to warrant marriage. It sucks that the marriage didn’t work out. There is surely stuff to investigate on why it ended. But we are on the same page with respect to the importance of kids being born inside of marriage. Everyone doesn’t have to agree. Those just happen to be my values, and something I want my partner to agree with.

What if the guy wanted to get married but the mother didn’t? It takes two to have a wedding.

The fact that she didn’t want to marry him…..says something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I got pregnant the first time we had sex. That was NOT ideal. We hadn't been dating long enough to get married, but had the baby. He's a decent catch- good looking, financially stable, educated, smart, owns a home. Nice family. Decent dad. If someone rejected him just because we never married, they would be pretty stupid.

Why didn't you have an abortion in this circumstance?

huge red flag on both of you.

Even if your answer is "My values are that I could never have an abortion" - then that is a religious red flag to stay far, far away from you.

DP, but I am non-religious and pro choice. But still I’ve always known if I got accidentally pregnant I would keep the baby. I’ve always accepted pregnancy as a risk of when protected sex and have been honest with partners that I would not be comfortable terminating.

Woman with a child out of wedlock here and that’s how I feel. Not religious, I’m pro-choice, but I always knew I could never go through with an abortion.

My daughter is the light of my life. Disturbing people think I should have terminated when I didn’t want to. I would be missing out on so much, and she’s a happy, healthy kid.

I find the “you MUST abort unless in these very narrow circumstances” people just as disturbing as the pro-life people. Both are trying to control women’s bodies and take choice away.

Anonymous wrote:People have accidental pregnancies all the time. You have no idea what the circumstances are. But hey, if that's a deal breaker for you, then that's your choice.

+1 to "people have accidental pregnancies all the time and you don't know circumstances". I was on 2 forms of BC at age 34 when I had an unplanned pregnancy with my fiancé at the time with whom I had previously discussed marriage and kids. I'm a strongly pro-choice atheist, but decided for a variety of reasons not to abort.

50% of all pregnancies are unplanned and most of the major forms of birth control (condom, diaphragm, etc.) aside from the hormonal ones are only about 80% effective use prevention rates. Even hormonal BC has common failure points.

But, hey, judge away. That's your prerogative.