Anonymous wrote:OP, it is hard. No one tells you about the bad days or how hard having a child with mental illness will be. Watching them get bullied. Watching them get hurt. Having them be awful (yet normal) teens. Realizing your worries will only grow as they age. Who will they marry? will their kids be ok, and so on.

I love my kids very much but it is very very hard

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see so many discussions about whether it’s worth having kids or not. I’m about to be an empty nester, and I’m also friends with some much younger people who are on the verge of having children. And I feel like when people talk about the pros and cons of children they always talk about the inconveniences and joys of the younger years.

But the reality is that those years go by quickly. And then you’re left being the parent to an adult—who you hope doesn’t hate you and you have a good relationship with. But god knows I know plenty of people who don’t have amazing relationships as adults with their parents.

I look at some of these younger people and I never say it but sometimes I really want to ask them to think if it’s worth it. Those early hard years. And then those magical good years in between when they think you’re the best in the world. But then the teenage years when there’s so much stress about their futures and you’re just an idiot half the time.

But then also beyond that. Being an almost 50 year old with 80 year old parents. Do I bring my mom joy? Half the time she’s mad at me for something or she pissed me off.

I don’t regret having my child. I love them. But I had absolutely NO idea what I was getting into. I could not think beyond those initial childhood years. But those years are nothing compared to all of the rest of the years you are a parent and managing and hoping to have a good relationship with an adult child. Sometimes I wonder—would I have done it if I’d known. But I know there was really no way to know. I’m not sure.

Truth!!! And then if you add unforeseen, uncontrollable bad things that happen to children (mine were a sexual assault at a private school and a sports injury that doesn't allow for most sports anymore) - it is so friggin' hard and those words don't even describe.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I strongly dislike parenting and motherhood and feel like an outlier.

I miss my hobbies, lazy weekends, no limitations career wise, carefree luxury travel and my former stomach and boobs.

But I also admit that it would be strange to not have a family and only grow old with my husband. I think life would get boring and I would feel like I’m missing something.

In my opinion the childfree life is superior until about 45 and then sh*t starts to get real. I have noticed this in childless couples. There’s also the problem that it gets more difficult to drink alcohol as you age and it would be weird to have so much free time and not be able to drink often.

I’ve also noticed that childfree women at work are very into their career and I can tell it’s one of the most important things to them. Which is fine but after having kids it’s definitely lower on my list and their obsession with work seems rather immature.

Ha this one makes me laugh because I don't agree with the first statement -- while there are things about motherhood I really dislike I actually really like being a mom and am glad I did it.

But otherwise I totally agree with everything here both good and bad. Even the thing about alcohol.

You just hit middle age and whether you have kids or not there's this feeling of "now what" but if you have kids at least you have something to answer that with. Kids can give your life a little shape. Freedom is awesome but there is a point at which being able to do whatever you want starts to feel meaningless. I think that's kind of why we had kids in the first place -- we were starting to feel bored with having the freedom to do whatever we wanted with our time and we wanted a bigger challenged and to enter the next phase of life.

OP here. But then your kids get older and they don’t need you or even necessarily like you. But you still love them. And it all still feels pretty meaningless. And you are like now what?

I’m at a snapshot in time. And maybe my feelings will change. I’m not sure my mom is glad she had me. She loves me but I constantly hear how disappointed she is in various ways. I don’t think I add very much to her life. I also have a child who is kind of on the spectrum…another little surprise life throws…so their love doesn’t necessarily look like what I thought love would look like and probably never will. It got worse as they got older. They were more outwardly loving when they were little.

I don’t know. I’m not really trying to convince anyone of anything…just reflecting on my own choices. Should have chosen a better title. I think I was still so young, even at 30, which sounds dumb because 30 year olds should be more mature…but I don’t think I could see then the pain I’d caused my own mother through the years or the way how she had hurt me had messed me up. And I just mean in the sort of typical dysfunctional family kinds of ways. Nothing crazy. I was so focused on just having a healthy baby and then all the little milestones. Then you turn around and they are leaving and it’s sort of like why did I do all of this? Also makes you aware of how old you are and how time has passed and you can’t go back. It’s all pretty trite stereotypical stuff, I guess.

But that’s what happens when you have an older child. It’s a good thing! They should be older and independent and not “need you” as much.

I’m not saying this to be mean but I think you could benefit from therapy. Just someone to talk through these feelings.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I strongly dislike parenting and motherhood and feel like an outlier.

I miss my hobbies, lazy weekends, no limitations career wise, carefree luxury travel and my former stomach and boobs.

But I also admit that it would be strange to not have a family and only grow old with my husband. I think life would get boring and I would feel like I’m missing something.

In my opinion the childfree life is superior until about 45 and then sh*t starts to get real. I have noticed this in childless couples. There’s also the problem that it gets more difficult to drink alcohol as you age and it would be weird to have so much free time and not be able to drink often.

I’ve also noticed that childfree women at work are very into their career and I can tell it’s one of the most important things to them. Which is fine but after having kids it’s definitely lower on my list and their obsession with work seems rather immature.

Ha this one makes me laugh because I don't agree with the first statement -- while there are things about motherhood I really dislike I actually really like being a mom and am glad I did it.

But otherwise I totally agree with everything here both good and bad. Even the thing about alcohol.

You just hit middle age and whether you have kids or not there's this feeling of "now what" but if you have kids at least you have something to answer that with. Kids can give your life a little shape. Freedom is awesome but there is a point at which being able to do whatever you want starts to feel meaningless. I think that's kind of why we had kids in the first place -- we were starting to feel bored with having the freedom to do whatever we wanted with our time and we wanted a bigger challenged and to enter the next phase of life.

OP here. But then your kids get older and they don’t need you or even necessarily like you. But you still love them. And it all still feels pretty meaningless. And you are like now what?

I’m at a snapshot in time. And maybe my feelings will change. I’m not sure my mom is glad she had me. She loves me but I constantly hear how disappointed she is in various ways. I don’t think I add very much to her life. I also have a child who is kind of on the spectrum…another little surprise life throws…so their love doesn’t necessarily look like what I thought love would look like and probably never will. It got worse as they got older. They were more outwardly loving when they were little.

I don’t know. I’m not really trying to convince anyone of anything…just reflecting on my own choices. Should have chosen a better title. I think I was still so young, even at 30, which sounds dumb because 30 year olds should be more mature…but I don’t think I could see then the pain I’d caused my own mother through the years or the way how she had hurt me had messed me up. And I just mean in the sort of typical dysfunctional family kinds of ways. Nothing crazy. I was so focused on just having a healthy baby and then all the little milestones. Then you turn around and they are leaving and it’s sort of like why did I do all of this? Also makes you aware of how old you are and how time has passed and you can’t go back. It’s all pretty trite stereotypical stuff, I guess.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever. I have a terrible relationship with my crappy mom that required lots of therapy to get over, but my own two daughters are my favorite people in the world and I love hanging out with them. So glad I didn’t do all this self absorbed navel gazing that kept me from creating these two awesome people. Just get on with it, or don’t, damn. I’m tired of hearing about your thought process either way

I sort of feel like this is how it goes. Shitty relationship with my mom but I’m in love with my girls, as tiring as it is to be a Mom

Anonymous wrote:Whatever. I have a terrible relationship with my crappy mom that required lots of therapy to get over, but my own two daughters are my favorite people in the world and I love hanging out with them. So glad I didn’t do all this self absorbed navel gazing that kept me from creating these two awesome people. Just get on with it, or don’t, damn. I’m tired of hearing about your thought process either way

Anonymous wrote:I see so many discussions about whether it’s worth having kids or not. I’m about to be an empty nester, and I’m also friends with some much younger people who are on the verge of having children. And I feel like when people talk about the pros and cons of children they always talk about the inconveniences and joys of the younger years.

But the reality is that those years go by quickly. And then you’re left being the parent to an adult—who you hope doesn’t hate you and you have a good relationship with. But god knows I know plenty of people who don’t have amazing relationships as adults with their parents.

I look at some of these younger people and I never say it but sometimes I really want to ask them to think if it’s worth it. Those early hard years. And then those magical good years in between when they think you’re the best in the world. But then the teenage years when there’s so much stress about their futures and you’re just an idiot half the time.

But then also beyond that. Being an almost 50 year old with 80 year old parents. Do I bring my mom joy? Half the time she’s mad at me for something or she pissed me off.

I don’t regret having my child. I love them. But I had absolutely NO idea what I was getting into. I could not think beyond those initial childhood years. But those years are nothing compared to all of the rest of the years you are a parent and managing and hoping to have a good relationship with an adult child. Sometimes I wonder—would I have done it if I’d known. But I know there was really no way to know. I’m not sure.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I strongly dislike parenting and motherhood and feel like an outlier.

I miss my hobbies, lazy weekends, no limitations career wise, carefree luxury travel and my former stomach and boobs.

But I also admit that it would be strange to not have a family and only grow old with my husband. I think life would get boring and I would feel like I’m missing something.

In my opinion the childfree life is superior until about 45 and then sh*t starts to get real. I have noticed this in childless couples. There’s also the problem that it gets more difficult to drink alcohol as you age and it would be weird to have so much free time and not be able to drink often.

I’ve also noticed that childfree women at work are very into their career and I can tell it’s one of the most important things to them. Which is fine but after having kids it’s definitely lower on my list and their obsession with work seems rather immature.

Ha this one makes me laugh because I don't agree with the first statement -- while there are things about motherhood I really dislike I actually really like being a mom and am glad I did it.

But otherwise I totally agree with everything here both good and bad. Even the thing about alcohol.

You just hit middle age and whether you have kids or not there's this feeling of "now what" but if you have kids at least you have something to answer that with. Kids can give your life a little shape. Freedom is awesome but there is a point at which being able to do whatever you want starts to feel meaningless. I think that's kind of why we had kids in the first place -- we were starting to feel bored with having the freedom to do whatever we wanted with our time and we wanted a bigger challenged and to enter the next phase of life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what OP is saying -

DO NOT DO ANYTHING IN LIFE IN CASE IT TURNS OUT BADLY DECADES FROM NOW. ALL THE JOY YOU'VE FELT SO FAR IN YOUR ENDEAVORS IS FLEETING AND THEREFORE NOT WORTH IT.


OP, you're looking at stupid in the rear-view mirror.

No. What I’m saying is that we don’t talk very much or honestly as a society about what parenting is like once you get past the childhood stage. And that your relationship with your child doesn’t end. And for I think a lot of people, it doesn’t bring them nearly as much joy as that childhood stage.

There are lots of coversations, books, movies, etc about adult children's relationships with their parents.

But you're the type of self-centered arse who never interests themselves in what others go through, unless you're going through it too. So now you've arrived at that stage, lo and behold, you decide that the entire world has been missing a conversation about this!

Complete and utter rubbish, OP.

I bet that when you're a grandparent, suddenly the world will need to debate grandparents' rights!!!

Moron.


NP. To this PP, what a mean comment, and so uncalled for. This is a site where people share their thoughts, feelings, experiences. Calling someone a moron is never acceptable.