And OP, if dopamine is your goal, find it in a healthy way.

After my husband's affair, I restructured our marriage. I signed myself up for a massage membership. I took the vacations I wanted, and he didn't go on any guys' trips for many years. He stopped going out so often. He got into therapy.

It was ironic, because his complaints during the affair were that he didn't have enough time for fun for himself, but he was already taking 5x as much time as I was. So once that got evened out, he was getting much less time to himself, and he had to grow up and realize that this was the life had chosen and not something *I* did to him.

Almost 10 years later and I still get those monthly massages and he still sees his therapist. If I want a dopamine hit, I plan a vacation. But playing around with falling in love and sexual bonding . . . those are not just things you can pick up and put down when you want. You will be beholden to a lot of feelings that will get away from you.

And there's an opportunity cost to everything we do. The time you are investing does not exist in a vacuum . . . it comes at the expense of your family life or your job.

It's natural to want to feel better after the trauma of betrayal. But there really aren't any short-cuts to healing or happiness. You just need to cocoon and take care of yourself. Treat yourself with the care you deserve. Don't set yourself up for failure.

I remember the visceral way I reacted to finding out about the affair. I remember saying something like, WTF, I am hot stuff, I could find someone else! and my husband's eyes got wide. Oh, you never thought about me being with someone else? Well that was a mistake on your part because that's the natural consequence of blowing up your marriage. Know that you are hot stuff. Of course you could go have some fun sex. Just knowing that was enough for me. And I feel free to incorporate those story lines in my inner dialogue. But I'm going to blow up my life over something that will only be fun for a moment.

Your kids won't respect you, OP and they will find out.

- child of a serial cheater

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, my issue is the kids are a big part of my life. I want to spend time with them every single day until they are in college…I can get over the anger of the betrayal( temporarily at least) by engaging in a few long term flings myself. And maybe with time I can forgive.

I would rather not get divorced now and share custody. So my solution is to have my fun on the side( secretly) and hold things together. The revenge fling is giving me enough of a dopamine high that I can fake that everything is fine for now and it pacifies my anger.

I didn’t ask to be in this predicament. But it’s the best I can do to hold things together.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not going to lose my integrity to get my revenge. I will get it in a settlement.

I understand (though I don't condone) your reasoning, but aren't you risking being with your kids every day by having several long-term flings? You can't guarantee that your spouse will never find out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, opening it up is not an option…spouse won’t go for it. Wants me 100% committed to making things work. In addition, I have the need now to get away with something behind their back to even the score.

And no, I don’t want to look at divorce until the kids are gone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, my issue is the kids are a big part of my life. I want to spend time with them every single day until they are in college…I can get over the anger of the betrayal( temporarily at least) by engaging in a few long term flings myself. And maybe with time I can forgive.

I would rather not get divorced now and share custody. So my solution is to have my fun on the side( secretly) and hold things together. The revenge fling is giving me enough of a dopamine high that I can fake that everything is fine for now and it pacifies my anger.

I didn’t ask to be in this predicament. But it’s the best I can do to hold things together.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not going to lose my integrity to get my revenge. I will get it in a settlement.

But why lie about it? If you are staying for the kids, just have an open marriage. Whatever.

Or is it the lying that makes you feel good?

So it is revenge, not the freedom to explore your sexual freedom, broaden your horizons, gain a new understanding of marriage. Sorry other PP, seems like OP isn’t after your ideal of cheating as empowering agency.

So, are you lying to your kids, too?

Eh, whatever she needs to move onto the next phase of the relationship.

Anonymous wrote:
You Americans are way too quick to pull the trigger to get divorced.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, opening it up is not an option…spouse won’t go for it. Wants me 100% committed to making things work. In addition, I have the need now to get away with something behind their back to even the score.

And no, I don’t want to look at divorce until the kids are gone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, my issue is the kids are a big part of my life. I want to spend time with them every single day until they are in college…I can get over the anger of the betrayal( temporarily at least) by engaging in a few long term flings myself. And maybe with time I can forgive.

I would rather not get divorced now and share custody. So my solution is to have my fun on the side( secretly) and hold things together. The revenge fling is giving me enough of a dopamine high that I can fake that everything is fine for now and it pacifies my anger.

I didn’t ask to be in this predicament. But it’s the best I can do to hold things together.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not going to lose my integrity to get my revenge. I will get it in a settlement.

But why lie about it? If you are staying for the kids, just have an open marriage. Whatever.

Or is it the lying that makes you feel good?

Wow, what a relationship you guys are modeling for your kids. Lying and sneaking around and resenting each other ad nauseam. Good luck to them with these parents!

1. Staying in a miserable marriage for decades is… not an accomplishment, sorry.

2. Who said anything about divorce? OP could have some serious conversations with her DH about what is going on in the marriage.

Cheaters always like to pretend like they don’t have agency or choices, and OP is no different. Sorry OP.

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, opening it up is not an option…spouse won’t go for it. Wants me 100% committed to making things work. In addition, I have the need now to get away with something behind their back to even the score.

And no, I don’t want to look at divorce until the kids are gone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, my issue is the kids are a big part of my life. I want to spend time with them every single day until they are in college…I can get over the anger of the betrayal( temporarily at least) by engaging in a few long term flings myself. And maybe with time I can forgive.

I would rather not get divorced now and share custody. So my solution is to have my fun on the side( secretly) and hold things together. The revenge fling is giving me enough of a dopamine high that I can fake that everything is fine for now and it pacifies my anger.

I didn’t ask to be in this predicament. But it’s the best I can do to hold things together.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not going to lose my integrity to get my revenge. I will get it in a settlement.

But why lie about it? If you are staying for the kids, just have an open marriage. Whatever.

Or is it the lying that makes you feel good?

So it is revenge, not the freedom to explore your sexual freedom, broaden your horizons, gain a new understanding of marriage. Sorry other PP, seems like OP isn’t after your ideal of cheating as empowering agency.

So, are you lying to your kids, too?

You Americans are way too quick to pull the trigger to get divorced.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, opening it up is not an option…spouse won’t go for it. Wants me 100% committed to making things work. In addition, I have the need now to get away with something behind their back to even the score.

And no, I don’t want to look at divorce until the kids are gone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, my issue is the kids are a big part of my life. I want to spend time with them every single day until they are in college…I can get over the anger of the betrayal( temporarily at least) by engaging in a few long term flings myself. And maybe with time I can forgive.

I would rather not get divorced now and share custody. So my solution is to have my fun on the side( secretly) and hold things together. The revenge fling is giving me enough of a dopamine high that I can fake that everything is fine for now and it pacifies my anger.

I didn’t ask to be in this predicament. But it’s the best I can do to hold things together.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not going to lose my integrity to get my revenge. I will get it in a settlement.

But why lie about it? If you are staying for the kids, just have an open marriage. Whatever.

Or is it the lying that makes you feel good?

Wow, what a relationship you guys are modeling for your kids. Lying and sneaking around and resenting each other ad nauseam. Good luck to them with these parents!

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, opening it up is not an option…spouse won’t go for it. Wants me 100% committed to making things work. In addition, I have the need now to get away with something behind their back to even the score.

And no, I don’t want to look at divorce until the kids are gone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, my issue is the kids are a big part of my life. I want to spend time with them every single day until they are in college…I can get over the anger of the betrayal( temporarily at least) by engaging in a few long term flings myself. And maybe with time I can forgive.

I would rather not get divorced now and share custody. So my solution is to have my fun on the side( secretly) and hold things together. The revenge fling is giving me enough of a dopamine high that I can fake that everything is fine for now and it pacifies my anger.

I didn’t ask to be in this predicament. But it’s the best I can do to hold things together.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not going to lose my integrity to get my revenge. I will get it in a settlement.

But why lie about it? If you are staying for the kids, just have an open marriage. Whatever.

Or is it the lying that makes you feel good?

Wow, what a relationship you guys are modeling for your kids. Lying and sneaking around and resenting each other ad nauseam. Good luck to them with these parents!

OP here, opening it up is not an option…spouse won’t go for it. Wants me 100% committed to making things work. In addition, I have the need now to get away with something behind their back to even the score.

And no, I don’t want to look at divorce until the kids are gone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, my issue is the kids are a big part of my life. I want to spend time with them every single day until they are in college…I can get over the anger of the betrayal( temporarily at least) by engaging in a few long term flings myself. And maybe with time I can forgive.

I would rather not get divorced now and share custody. So my solution is to have my fun on the side( secretly) and hold things together. The revenge fling is giving me enough of a dopamine high that I can fake that everything is fine for now and it pacifies my anger.

I didn’t ask to be in this predicament. But it’s the best I can do to hold things together.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not going to lose my integrity to get my revenge. I will get it in a settlement.

But why lie about it? If you are staying for the kids, just have an open marriage. Whatever.

Or is it the lying that makes you feel good?

I get what you’re saying but I don’t think anyone would consider a one night fling with a hot ex to be “cheating” in that scenario. And leveling the playing field could have real psychological benefits for some. I’m just talking about a fling, not a full on affair.

OP here, my issue is the kids are a big part of my life. I want to spend time with them every single day until they are in college…I can get over the anger of the betrayal( temporarily at least) by engaging in a few long term flings myself. And maybe with time I can forgive.

I would rather not get divorced now and share custody. So my solution is to have my fun on the side( secretly) and hold things together. The revenge fling is giving me enough of a dopamine high that I can fake that everything is fine for now and it pacifies my anger.

I didn’t ask to be in this predicament. But it’s the best I can do to hold things together.

ONS or string of long-term affairs?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.

When my husband cheated, my high school sweetheart was newly single. He gets in touch every few years with some kind of special memory. I blocked him on SM to remove the temptation to reach out to him.

And to be honest, I wasn't too concerned about my husband's feelings at that time. But I knew that affairs are selfish, short-sighted, and destructive. Why would I do that to myself or to my imaginary AP? The endorphins would be brief, but the consequences would be long.

Ten years later, I know I made the right decision. If I want to be with someone else, I'll open my marriage, end my marriage, or work through those feelings some other way. But cheating is just a short term high with long-lasting harm.

I get what you’re saying but I don’t think anyone would consider a one night fling with a hot ex to be “cheating” in that scenario. And leveling the playing field could have real psychological benefits for some. I’m just talking about a fling, not a full on affair.

it is cheating

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, my issue is the kids are a big part of my life. I want to spend time with them every single day until they are in college…I can get over the anger of the betrayal( temporarily at least) by engaging in a few long term flings myself. And maybe with time I can forgive.

I would rather not get divorced now and share custody. So my solution is to have my fun on the side( secretly) and hold things together. The revenge fling is giving me enough of a dopamine high that I can fake that everything is fine for now and it pacifies my anger.

I didn’t ask to be in this predicament. But it’s the best I can do to hold things together.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not going to lose my integrity to get my revenge. I will get it in a settlement.

But why lie about it? If you are staying for the kids, just have an open marriage. Whatever.

Or is it the lying that makes you feel good?

Yeah, I don’t get the need for lying either. Lying is the issue with cheating. Let your spouse know you are exploring your sexuality and go at it.

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, my issue is the kids are a big part of my life. I want to spend time with them every single day until they are in college…I can get over the anger of the betrayal( temporarily at least) by engaging in a few long term flings myself. And maybe with time I can forgive.

I would rather not get divorced now and share custody. So my solution is to have my fun on the side( secretly) and hold things together. The revenge fling is giving me enough of a dopamine high that I can fake that everything is fine for now and it pacifies my anger.

I didn’t ask to be in this predicament. But it’s the best I can do to hold things together.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not going to lose my integrity to get my revenge. I will get it in a settlement.

But why lie about it? If you are staying for the kids, just have an open marriage. Whatever.

Or is it the lying that makes you feel good?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want to be equal on that basis. I’d want to be better than that.

You don’t get it. It’s not about being “better than.” It’s getting to expand your horizons just like your spouse did. For that matter, a relationship premised forever on you being better than your spouse doesn’t sound that great.

You don’t get it.

You are just trying to justify revenge cheating. Why? Do whatever you want. You asked what others would do and they answered. They aren’t arguing with you over what you have done or want to do. Go ahead. Have at it.

It’s not “revenge” cheating in OP’s scenario. It’s just, having a (hopefully) very fun fling to clear the air and regain some agency. I realize that for most women the stars do not always align to find a ONS partner that will provide that, but if the opportunity presented itself? Nobody will fault you. And it seems potentially a more healthy response than spending the rest of your life primly insisting you would never ever stoop to such a level that your craven spouse did.

OP called it revenge cheating.

You think it might be a healthier response. Perhaps it would be for you. Others are saying it would not be for them. Why is that a problem for you and why do you think people who disagree are too prim or don’t like sex? Why are you asking people’s opinions and then arguing when they provide it?

I’m fine with others having other views. It seems you aren’t fine with my view though! I do maintain that to the extent you care about morality or what others think, it is true that very very few people would blame OP for a well-timed fling. If she turned it into some kind of crazy psychodrama, obviously that’s not helpful. But what seems to be the case is you and other PPs reject the notion that a woman could benefit from a night or two of fun s*x.

Again, you seem to think that women who choose to honor their promises don’t like and/or cannot have great s*x. It’s not an either/or sort of thing.

Do what you want. No one else really cares.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not going to lose my integrity to get my revenge. I will get it in a settlement.

Is it losing your integrity to have great sex?

Yes, if you are lying. If you really need to have a fling with someone else to get over your spouse’s affair, why not just tell them that’s what you need? Why sneak around?