Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make them stay in a hotel and husband is responsible for feeding/entertaining the guests. But I’m going against the grain here and going to say that not making some accommodation to have grandparents meet a grandchild in the first month is weird. If your parents in law aren’t helpful make your husband put them to work. But your child is THEIR family. If they were so awful you would have mentioned it in your original post. You need to not think of yourself as the queen of the universe because you’re not. People wonder why families don’t work any more.

Your DH should have discussed it with you, though.

OP here. They are not awful but I’m still healing from childbirth and learning how to be a mom. Our son is just a little over 2 weeks old. It’s hasn’t been that long.

Cancel the friends not much you can do with the parents. This is a good time to say hey I’m going to go nurse the. Any and go sit in a room for an hour every 2.5 hours. When you are done, bring the baby back and they can burp/change it while you nap or shower. Do not lift a finger for these people!

After a feed is the best time with a baby. The mother shouldn’t have to give this up. 2 weeks is WAY too early for houseguests.

When did people stop keeping newborns confined while they established an immune system to protect them from transmissible infections?

When I was a kid in the 70s people didn’t drag newborns to restaurants or house parties or invite house parties to visit their newborns.

Why and when did this change? In some places 50% of birth are c section most of them elective. Babies born by c section miss out on the bacterial bath that comes from traveling the birth canal and thus they fail to establish basic gut flora early in life. This makes them even more vulnerable to infectious disease.

Newborn babies should be at home, not kissed and cuddled by all manner of germ vectors.

Anonymous wrote:It's once you have a child that you find out what a nutjob your wife really is.

And when you find out your husband is a total knob. At 2 weeks postpartum I was still bleeding heavily and in pain every time I peed. At 3 weeks I was in tears every time the baby latched on (that would be roughly 20 times a day) and I had to sit around with no shirt on to be comfortable with nothing against my nipples. I was also getting roughly 6 hours of sleep per day in 30 minute increments.
You are a knob, PP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make them stay in a hotel and husband is responsible for feeding/entertaining the guests. But I’m going against the grain here and going to say that not making some accommodation to have grandparents meet a grandchild in the first month is weird. If your parents in law aren’t helpful make your husband put them to work. But your child is THEIR family. If they were so awful you would have mentioned it in your original post. You need to not think of yourself as the queen of the universe because you’re not. People wonder why families don’t work any more.

Your DH should have discussed it with you, though.

OP here. They are not awful but I’m still healing from childbirth and learning how to be a mom. Our son is just a little over 2 weeks old. It’s hasn’t been that long.

Cancel the friends not much you can do with the parents. This is a good time to say hey I’m going to go nurse the. Any and go sit in a room for an hour every 2.5 hours. When you are done, bring the baby back and they can burp/change it while you nap or shower. Do not lift a finger for these people!

For a story… when I had my TWINS, my FIL showed up from out of state, which was fine as he did not stay with us. BUT, he came over unannounced twice and the second time I told him the babies were asleep and I was trying to nap, so could he come back later. For context, my kids were generally up all night and my DH didn’t help much and worked out of the home during the day. I has been catching a very precious nap when he knocked. My FIL refused to speak to us as a result for over a year (and no he didn’t come back later as I’d asked, he flew home}

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the length of visit and where is everyone staying?

OP here. They will be arriving next Wednesday and staying until Sunday. They are all staying at our home.

DH needs to get them a hotel. Period. And frankly, your newborn is very susceptible to viruses at this stage, and is DH just oblivious to the fact that we are in a summer surge of both Covid and RSV? And that both can be extremely serious for young infants? (Before the "Covid is over!" people pile on, tell that to the multiple people we know who've had it or have it now, and they're not just feeling like they have "colds.") That alone would make me say a hard no to any visits at all. But if you can remotely stomach the invasiveness--they Do. Not. Stay. With. You. You'll be exhausted from night feedings and crabby as hell and rightfully so.

First baby, OP? DH has zero idea how little sleep both of you are going to get and how very much under your feet even the nicest, most helpful houseguests will feel.

This is your sign that he might be like this going forward -- obliviously expecting it's always the more, the merrier. I hope not, and I hope this is just a huge rookie mistake and he learns from it. But I'd be sure to be crystal clear that this was overstepping. Maybe he needs a friend who's already a dad to tell him the truth about how this is not the time for houseguests--especially multiple ones, on different weekends, FFS. And Wed. to Sun? That's insane.

Anonymous wrote:I had our sweet baby boy an earlier this month. We had local family meet him in the hospital and our extended family got to meet him over FaceTime. We had discussed family eventually but to meet him but didn’t have any set plans. My husband drops the bomb today that he forgot to mention to me that he invited people over for this weekend ( friends) and his family ( parents + brother) plan to come meet our son at the end of next week. I’m pretty furious. He looked genuinely surprised that I was upset by all of this. Would I be an Ahole if I called and canceled? Should I just shut up and have them come?

I truly hope your DH mirrors your behavior when your side of the family visits the baby.

Anonymous wrote:I had our sweet baby boy an earlier this month. We had local family meet him in the hospital and our extended family got to meet him over FaceTime. We had discussed family eventually but to meet him but didn’t have any set plans. My husband drops the bomb today that he forgot to mention to me that he invited people over for this weekend ( friends) and his family ( parents + brother) plan to come meet our son at the end of next week. I’m pretty furious. He looked genuinely surprised that I was upset by all of this. Would I be an Ahole if I called and canceled? Should I just shut up and have them come?

Wait, so 90% of the posts in this forum are women complaining about the “mental load” of everything they have to stay on top of—including organizing family get-togethers— and the other 10% of posts are just women complaining when men actually do take the initiative on these issues?

Anonymous wrote:MD here. If your newborn spikes a fever at less than 4 weeks he is getting an IV, lumbar puncture, blood cultures and an admission at our ER (one of the subspec Peds EM depts in the DMV). Multiple out of town houseguests around your 2 week old is a bad decision, period. Full stop. Summer allergy season is in full swing. Our ER sounded like a TB ward today with all the coughing and sneezing. Resp droplets transmit everything, including tiny amounts of a virus that didn’t make Grandma sick. But can do so for a newborn.

New babies mark huge change in everyone’s life. Your husband can be forgiven for being excited and wanting to share this moment. But there is an opportunity to turn this around and set some boundaries. It does not have to be World War III. But there is no way in this universe or any other I would allow a crowd to roll in around around my new baby, the main reason being that I would not allow my partner to start our family life together making bad decisions. You’re a team. Be that team on this issue.

+1000

My MIL insisted she be IN THE ROOM when my DS was born—she travelled from hundreds of miles away, wreaked havoc in the delivery room and then went home and rearranged everything, including my underwear drawer. She dragged a bunch of moldy old crocheted dolls my long dead grandmother had maybe made about 40 years ago from a bag that was stored god knows where and built a pyramid on our dining room table with them. Took down the "Welcome home baby!" sign that I had made and then proceeded to insert herself in EVERYTHING my wife and I tried to do—set up the pack and play for the first time, give the baby her first bath, share a special meal with my wife... she insisted on rubbing my wife's feet and blasting what she regarded as tranquil music on her ipad while my wife desperately tried to nap when we finally got the baby down. I even caught her going into our bedroom where the baby was napping to jiggle his pack and play so she could get a nice photo of him rolling over on her ipad.

And what happened on his fourth day, when he went to the pediatrician for his first checkup? He spiked a fever of 100.4. He got admitted, got an IV, got a spinal tap and then noone but my wife and I could see him for a week. So, that sucked for my FIL who had come with a plan to stay at a hotel and just come for brief visits. And my parents who were also staying at a hotel.

But at least she got to see the baby when he was born. Selfish hag.

Anonymous wrote:I had our sweet baby boy an earlier this month. We had local family meet him in the hospital and our extended family got to meet him over FaceTime. We had discussed family eventually but to meet him but didn’t have any set plans. My husband drops the bomb today that he forgot to mention to me that he invited people over for this weekend ( friends) and his family ( parents + brother) plan to come meet our son at the end of next week. I’m pretty furious. He looked genuinely surprised that I was upset by all of this. Would I be an Ahole if I called and canceled? Should I just shut up and have them come?

I truly hope he mirrors your behavior when your side of the family shows up.

Have your parents / siblings met the baby met?

If you have a no one from either family gets to meet or see the baby - a bit extreme but fine, but a my family can but yours can’t rule isn’t okay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a strange dynamic to me. You just had a son. So you will one day be the MIL excited to meet her grandchild. I am frankly surprised they have waited almost 3 weeks. I do think asking them to stay in a hotel is reasonable, but if you have room why not have them stay with you and have your husband be in charge of hosting duties? I have 4 children and my out of town in-laws met each of them within a few days of birth. I was grateful to have an extended family who embraced my children/their grandchildren. I think this is just part of the deal and all this boundary talk is why people have such difficult relationships with their in-laws. They are family. Their visit doesn't have to be perfect, but let them in. It truly takes a village.

+1 this thread is sad to me. My out of town in-laws (and my own parents/siblings) came within days of all my kids’ births to stay with us. I’m surprised MIL isn’t disappointed she had to wait 3 weeks. Newborns change so much in the first month.

But why does the MIL need to see it in newborn? Why can't she wait for the three week old version? It's not her baby. If at any point, she's there to meet some need of HERS, she's in the wrong.

MD here. If your newborn spikes a fever at less than 4 weeks he is getting an IV, lumbar puncture, blood cultures and an admission at our ER (one of the subspec Peds EM depts in the DMV). Multiple out of town houseguests around your 2 week old is a bad decision, period. Full stop. Summer allergy season is in full swing. Our ER sounded like a TB ward today with all the coughing and sneezing. Resp droplets transmit everything, including tiny amounts of a virus that didn’t make Grandma sick. But can do so for a newborn.

New babies mark huge change in everyone’s life. Your husband can be forgiven for being excited and wanting to share this moment. But there is an opportunity to turn this around and set some boundaries. It does not have to be World War III. But there is no way in this universe or any other I would allow a crowd to roll in around around my new baby, the main reason being that I would not allow my partner to start our family life together making bad decisions. You’re a team. Be that team on this issue.

Anonymous wrote:This is a strange dynamic to me. You just had a son. So you will one day be the MIL excited to meet her grandchild. I am frankly surprised they have waited almost 3 weeks. I do think asking them to stay in a hotel is reasonable, but if you have room why not have them stay with you and have your husband be in charge of hosting duties? I have 4 children and my out of town in-laws met each of them within a few days of birth. I was grateful to have an extended family who embraced my children/their grandchildren. I think this is just part of the deal and all this boundary talk is why people have such difficult relationships with their in-laws. They are family. Their visit doesn't have to be perfect, but let them in. It truly takes a village.

+1 this thread is sad to me. My out of town in-laws (and my own parents/siblings) came within days of all my kids’ births to stay with us. I’m surprised MIL isn’t disappointed she had to wait 3 weeks. Newborns change so much in the first month.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the length of visit and where is everyone staying?

OP here. They will be arriving next Wednesday and staying until Sunday. They are all staying at our home.

Hell to the no. I fell for this, thinking that anyone with the audacity to stay in the home of a family that just had a baby would step up and be helpful and not expect to be hosted. Cue my ILs and parents, sitting around, telling me how wonderful it must be for me to have them hold the baby for one hour while he slept (and could have been in a crib) and how easy they were making it for me to host them. We'd get take out and they would all eat first while I was with the baby and then when I was finally able to eat most of it would be gone. It was 100% about their selfish "excitement" and wanting to "enjoy themselves." No one wanted to help or even be a good houseguest.

Your DH either cancels or tells them they can come stay in a hotel but makes it clear he will not be available to "host" them because he should be busy with his child so you can get enough rest.

Living in the DC area brings its own challenges. BIL announced he was coming to visit, and then laid out an itinerary of various monuments he was hoping to visit each evening. Dumped food from our fridge to make room for his beer.