Anonymous wrote:Why couldnt you have gotten him chick filet this time?

Not OP, but I also have a kid with the ability to explode. It’s easy to say in retrospect that she should have done things differently. But there have been so, so many times that I have tried to make a call if something is going to be a big deal or a little deal, and gotten it wrong.

But you can’t always accommodate. Sometimes it’s not physically possible. Sometimes it’s not fair to others. Sometimes kids just need practice in going with the flow.

The above thinking works first a neurotypical Person.
The asd brain does not work that way.
Op's kid got dysregulated when he couldnt get the food he was planning on. Sounds like that sent his system into a spiral. That he chose to act out in a very deliberate way that he knew would really affect op is an added element which shows he knows his actions have power. So not just a tantrum but a manipulative tantrum but he provably was so dysregulated that he was not fully in control either.
I an SLP and I work with younger add kids and we really try to understand triggers so we can avoid them when necessary but also help use those triggers as ways to build function skills.

Why couldnt you have gotten him chick filet this time?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- how old is your kid? At what age did this sort of behavior start? My child was diagnoses ASD and ADHD and we are bracing ourselves for the future.

I am wondering the exact same thing about my ASD DC 8 year old. Were these kids always prone to this behavior or is it something that happens in time? For us currently, it’s very difficult to envision my guy behaving this way.

Is it something I need to try to prepare for on the front end while he’s fairly compliant/agreeable, or will he continue to be compliant/agreeable?

Thank you.

Our kid is like OP's. There were signs from the beginning, but it really took off starting in middle school, and has gotten worse each year. If you want to prepare on the front end, work on executive functioning, social/emotional intelligence, and communication skills.

Not trying to discount your experience but everyone is unique. My kid is getting easier with age.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- how old is your kid? At what age did this sort of behavior start? My child was diagnoses ASD and ADHD and we are bracing ourselves for the future.

I am wondering the exact same thing about my ASD DC 8 year old. Were these kids always prone to this behavior or is it something that happens in time? For us currently, it’s very difficult to envision my guy behaving this way.

Is it something I need to try to prepare for on the front end while he’s fairly compliant/agreeable, or will he continue to be compliant/agreeable?

Thank you.

Our kid is like OP's. There were signs from the beginning, but it really took off starting in middle school, and has gotten worse each year. If you want to prepare on the front end, work on executive functioning, social/emotional intelligence, and communication skills.

I think parent coaching for you and DH to help you handle these tough situations.

You can't really "change" a kid like this, you have to wait for him to grow up and in the meantime change the way you relate to him.

It is very humbling, but you have to toss out the typical parenting handbook and start over.

For example, if you know people coming over is a trigger, you need to account for that. I am NOT blaming you. I have an ASD/PDA kid who doesn't like company either. I give him advanced warning, make sure he is set up for food and anything else he needs and give him a hard stop as to when the guests will leave.

Is your kid PDA? Some of this sounds like equalizing behavior, albeit very extreme.

I would rethink the "vindictive" label. Your kid may be doing the best he can with the limited communication and social skills he has. This takes the patience of a saint, but look into low-demand parenting, declarative language, and At Peace Parenting. Donna Henderson, in Silver Spring, is a therapist who works with PDA kids:


https://www.drdonnahenderson.com

There is also a local FB group.

You are not alone, and there are things you can do to help have peace in your home.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long did it take him to clean up the trash?

OP here. You know he didn’t.

Seriously?! Mine would’ve been cleaning all night and steam cleaning again today.

You don’t have this kind of kid then. Not OP here.

How are you making kid clean the trash? Would you take away cellphone/electronics? Kid doesn’t care. Threaten to cancel vacation? Kid doesn’t care. And I mean they will fully lay on the bed or sit & stare at the wall for days rather than do whatever you are forcing, while the garbage rots & stains your furniture & rugs.

This is what OP is dealing with.

NP—thank you for posting this. People that don’t have kids like this are infuriating when they comment. They assume that we’re not parenting our kids or just letting them do whatever they want. They have no idea what we’re dealing with.

Yup, meanwhile, they are raising absolute jerks who are NT, but never explicitly taught them anything about compassion

+1. Their kids might be NT, but they sure are feeding them the entitlement. I always say at least we are teaching our kids about grace and social stuff.

Anonymous wrote:OP- how old is your kid? At what age did this sort of behavior start? My child was diagnoses ASD and ADHD and we are bracing ourselves for the future.

I am wondering the exact same thing about my ASD DC 8 year old. Were these kids always prone to this behavior or is it something that happens in time? For us currently, it’s very difficult to envision my guy behaving this way.

Is it something I need to try to prepare for on the front end while he’s fairly compliant/agreeable, or will he continue to be compliant/agreeable?

Thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long did it take him to clean up the trash?

OP here. You know he didn’t.

Seriously?! Mine would’ve been cleaning all night and steam cleaning again today.

You don’t have this kind of kid then. Not OP here.

How are you making kid clean the trash? Would you take away cellphone/electronics? Kid doesn’t care. Threaten to cancel vacation? Kid doesn’t care. And I mean they will fully lay on the bed or sit & stare at the wall for days rather than do whatever you are forcing, while the garbage rots & stains your furniture & rugs.

This is what OP is dealing with.

NP—thank you for posting this. People that don’t have kids like this are infuriating when they comment. They assume that we’re not parenting our kids or just letting them do whatever they want. They have no idea what we’re dealing with.

Yup, meanwhile, they are raising absolute jerks who are NT, but never explicitly taught them anything about compassion