Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They have been visiting for nearly a week on account of my daughter’s high school graduation. They are both old — mid 80s — and in poor health. I feel terrible about this because they are not bad people, but I hate having them visit. I feel it is an intrusion on my space, I feel stuck, I resent them, and all I want is for them to leave and never come back (and I’ll make sure of it). This visit is a way for them to feel important and feel seen. But I feel used. I’m 54 and and I am finally seeing my parents for the very damaged people that they are. I see how they hurt me as a child by neglecting me emotionally. I think my dad is a kind of narcissist — everything has to be about him, he’ll do anything for attention and adulation. His relentless focus on himself and his insatiable desire to get his needs met deprived me of being heard and being seen as a child. My mom is rather pathetic, sitting there passively, waiting to be told what to do. She’s always been that way. She will not be around much longer. I feel like I should have some kind of meaningful conversation with her but I can’t fathom what to say. I have nothing to say. Even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to get the words out. We don’t have that kind of relationship. I hate myself for feeling this way — couldn’t I be more compassionate at this stage in their lives, I keep telling myself — but the truth is that I don’t want to be. I’ve had it with them. They repulse me. This sucks but there you have it. Does anyone else feel this way?

No. These are not normal or valid feelings. Please see a therapist to correct your thinking.

Therapists do not “correct” your thinking. Brain washing psychotic communist governments do that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they were that horrible, you would have known before you were over 50 years old.

NP. When you are young, you only know what you know. So if you live with broken people, that’s your normal. It takes many years and a lot of experience to establish new normals. By then, you’re not living with those broken people anymore, and you haven’t for a long time. Your life is yours now. Maybe you try not to look back too much. You don’t want to dwell. So you never really look too deep, and you believe that you’ve moved on.

And then your parents get old. And suddenly you can’t avoid it anymore, you can’t avoid them anymore, there’s so little time and also now your own kids are grown and aren’t the buffer that they were. And those old patterns from your childhood are still there, all those familiar interactions are still there, but YOU are different, and suddenly it’s like the scales have fallen from your eyes, and it’s like, “Ohhhhh. I really didn’t get what I needed.” And that’s when it all comes bubbling up.

Or I dunno, maybe that’s just me.

Are you better, though? You are different, sure.

Our kids will all have stuff to say about us and our less than perfect parenting too.

My parents are far from ideal — they are divorced so not really one entity — but I’m not perfect either.

My best friend’s mom is schizophrenic and is currently living under an overpass or something. My friend has good reason to hate her. Being boring, on the other hand, is just what old people are.

PP. That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it?

In my house there was physical abuse, so in that way I can say definitively: yes, I’m better. My kids have been safe in their home.

The emotional stuff is trickier, murkier. While I have done a lot of work to be “better,” a family is at best a bunch of flawed human beings who bump up against each other again and again. And parents have a tremendous amount of power, so our flaws are amplified for our children.

Am I better? Am I better enough? These questions have been a constant thrum in my mind since the day I became a parent. I hope I am. I try to be. I try.

Still, the question will always be there.

The fact that you’re thinking about it this much and are so empathetic and concerned means you will do better. You’re already doing better.

Meh, but your kids will find it to be not enough. You will still fail even if you thought you did better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They have been visiting for nearly a week on account of my daughter’s high school graduation. They are both old — mid 80s — and in poor health. I feel terrible about this because they are not bad people, but I hate having them visit. I feel it is an intrusion on my space, I feel stuck, I resent them, and all I want is for them to leave and never come back (and I’ll make sure of it). This visit is a way for them to feel important and feel seen. But I feel used. I’m 54 and and I am finally seeing my parents for the very damaged people that they are. I see how they hurt me as a child by neglecting me emotionally. I think my dad is a kind of narcissist — everything has to be about him, he’ll do anything for attention and adulation. His relentless focus on himself and his insatiable desire to get his needs met deprived me of being heard and being seen as a child. My mom is rather pathetic, sitting there passively, waiting to be told what to do. She’s always been that way. She will not be around much longer. I feel like I should have some kind of meaningful conversation with her but I can’t fathom what to say. I have nothing to say. Even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to get the words out. We don’t have that kind of relationship. I hate myself for feeling this way — couldn’t I be more compassionate at this stage in their lives, I keep telling myself — but the truth is that I don’t want to be. I’ve had it with them. They repulse me. This sucks but there you have it. Does anyone else feel this way?

No. These are not normal or valid feelings. Please see a therapist to correct your thinking.

OP, a therapist might help, but no decent therapist would ever say a feeling was “invalid,” nor would they attempt to “correct” your thinking.

A therapist could help you live more easily with what is, get yourself unstuck from unhealthy patterns, help you meet your own needs, and work with you to find some strategies (setting boundaries, working on emotional regulation, reframing experiences) so you could potentially have less strife in your relationships, including with your parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember OP that your children are watching and learning. They see how you treat your parents: one day you will be that parent, and your children will likely see you as you now see your parents

And just remember, your kids are watching on how you treat them
And yourself - including self respect.

People who make comments like the one above have never had the pleasure in dealing with a self absorbed narcissist parent.

I have worked years to figure out how to make it work with my parents and set boundaries to protect myself and my children and it’s almost like they find joy in figuring out how to break the boundaries. So now it’s no contact.

PP here and by “them” I mean your children.

You can shield your children from your parents and teach them how to treat grandparents as they grow and through age appropriate conversations about what really happened

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who say they dislike their parents and then amazingly find something to blame the parents for 50 years earlier, do it because they don't want to be responsible for caregiving. Just looking for excuses. A lot are afraid of old age and find it repulsive, so avoiding old people is another reason.

I’m one of the PPs. This isn’t it. It’s not that you suddenly find something wrong after 50 years — the wrong was always there. (I promise that if you were to be dropped into my home circa 1978 you would see it immediately, and in all sorts of ways).

It’s that you are now being pulled backwards into it, having built something new, and better. And now, unlike then, you can articulate to yourself exactly what the wrong was, how it affected you, and what could have been instead. Yes, you felt it then, but you were a kid. This was the only home you’d ever had. So you couldn’t possibly have the kind of clarity or vocabulary you have at 50+.

+1000 perfectly articulated

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they were that horrible, you would have known before you were over 50 years old.

NP. When you are young, you only know what you know. So if you live with broken people, that’s your normal. It takes many years and a lot of experience to establish new normals. By then, you’re not living with those broken people anymore, and you haven’t for a long time. Your life is yours now. Maybe you try not to look back too much. You don’t want to dwell. So you never really look too deep, and you believe that you’ve moved on.

And then your parents get old. And suddenly you can’t avoid it anymore, you can’t avoid them anymore, there’s so little time and also now your own kids are grown and aren’t the buffer that they were. And those old patterns from your childhood are still there, all those familiar interactions are still there, but YOU are different, and suddenly it’s like the scales have fallen from your eyes, and it’s like, “Ohhhhh. I really didn’t get what I needed.” And that’s when it all comes bubbling up.

Or I dunno, maybe that’s just me.

Are you better, though? You are different, sure.

Our kids will all have stuff to say about us and our less than perfect parenting too.

My parents are far from ideal — they are divorced so not really one entity — but I’m not perfect either.

My best friend’s mom is schizophrenic and is currently living under an overpass or something. My friend has good reason to hate her. Being boring, on the other hand, is just what old people are.

PP. That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it?

In my house there was physical abuse, so in that way I can say definitively: yes, I’m better. My kids have been safe in their home.

The emotional stuff is trickier, murkier. While I have done a lot of work to be “better,” a family is at best a bunch of flawed human beings who bump up against each other again and again. And parents have a tremendous amount of power, so our flaws are amplified for our children.

Am I better? Am I better enough? These questions have been a constant thrum in my mind since the day I became a parent. I hope I am. I try to be. I try.

Still, the question will always be there.

The fact that you’re thinking about it this much and are so empathetic and concerned means you will do better. You’re already doing better.

Anonymous wrote:Just remember OP that your children are watching and learning. They see how you treat your parents: one day you will be that parent, and your children will likely see you as you now see your parents

And just remember, your kids are watching on how you treat them
And yourself - including self respect.

People who make comments like the one above have never had the pleasure in dealing with a self absorbed narcissist parent.

I have worked years to figure out how to make it work with my parents and set boundaries to protect myself and my children and it’s almost like they find joy in figuring out how to break the boundaries. So now it’s no contact.

Anonymous wrote:They have been visiting for nearly a week on account of my daughter’s high school graduation. They are both old — mid 80s — and in poor health. I feel terrible about this because they are not bad people, but I hate having them visit. I feel it is an intrusion on my space, I feel stuck, I resent them, and all I want is for them to leave and never come back (and I’ll make sure of it). This visit is a way for them to feel important and feel seen. But I feel used. I’m 54 and and I am finally seeing my parents for the very damaged people that they are. I see how they hurt me as a child by neglecting me emotionally. I think my dad is a kind of narcissist — everything has to be about him, he’ll do anything for attention and adulation. His relentless focus on himself and his insatiable desire to get his needs met deprived me of being heard and being seen as a child. My mom is rather pathetic, sitting there passively, waiting to be told what to do. She’s always been that way. She will not be around much longer. I feel like I should have some kind of meaningful conversation with her but I can’t fathom what to say. I have nothing to say. Even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to get the words out. We don’t have that kind of relationship. I hate myself for feeling this way — couldn’t I be more compassionate at this stage in their lives, I keep telling myself — but the truth is that I don’t want to be. I’ve had it with them. They repulse me. This sucks but there you have it. Does anyone else feel this way?

No. These are not normal or valid feelings. Please see a therapist to correct your thinking.

Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness is cathartic.

Please say more. What does forgiveness look like and feel like to you?

Is it like pregnancy, in that it’s there or it’s not? Or is it a continuum, and one forgive in increasingly deeper ways? Once you have it, does it always stay?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they were that horrible, you would have known before you were over 50 years old.

NP. When you are young, you only know what you know. So if you live with broken people, that’s your normal. It takes many years and a lot of experience to establish new normals. By then, you’re not living with those broken people anymore, and you haven’t for a long time. Your life is yours now. Maybe you try not to look back too much. You don’t want to dwell. So you never really look too deep, and you believe that you’ve moved on.

And then your parents get old. And suddenly you can’t avoid it anymore, you can’t avoid them anymore, there’s so little time and also now your own kids are grown and aren’t the buffer that they were. And those old patterns from your childhood are still there, all those familiar interactions are still there, but YOU are different, and suddenly it’s like the scales have fallen from your eyes, and it’s like, “Ohhhhh. I really didn’t get what I needed.” And that’s when it all comes bubbling up.

Or I dunno, maybe that’s just me.

Are you better, though? You are different, sure.

Our kids will all have stuff to say about us and our less than perfect parenting too.

My parents are far from ideal — they are divorced so not really one entity — but I’m not perfect either.

My best friend’s mom is schizophrenic and is currently living under an overpass or something. My friend has good reason to hate her. Being boring, on the other hand, is just what old people are.

PP. That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it?

In my house there was physical abuse, so in that way I can say definitively: yes, I’m better. My kids have been safe in their home.

The emotional stuff is trickier, murkier. While I have done a lot of work to be “better,” a family is at best a bunch of flawed human beings who bump up against each other again and again. And parents have a tremendous amount of power, so our flaws are amplified for our children.

Am I better? Am I better enough? These questions have been a constant thrum in my mind since the day I became a parent. I hope I am. I try to be. I try.

Still, the question will always be there.

Forgiveness is cathartic.

Anonymous wrote:People who say they dislike their parents and then amazingly find something to blame the parents for 50 years earlier, do it because they don't want to be responsible for caregiving. Just looking for excuses. A lot are afraid of old age and find it repulsive, so avoiding old people is another reason.

I’m one of the PPs. This isn’t it. It’s not that you suddenly find something wrong after 50 years — the wrong was always there. (I promise that if you were to be dropped into my home circa 1978 you would see it immediately, and in all sorts of ways).

It’s that you are now being pulled backwards into it, having built something new, and better. And now, unlike then, you can articulate to yourself exactly what the wrong was, how it affected you, and what could have been instead. Yes, you felt it then, but you were a kid. This was the only home you’d ever had. So you couldn’t possibly have the kind of clarity or vocabulary you have at 50+.

I didn’t go to therapy for this specific issue but my parents were somewhat abusive and neglectful. My dad would yell and scream and both of them did hit me (both angry slaps in the face in the moment and being hit with a belt as punishment. They were restrictive about what I could do while at the same time medically neglectful (scar from needing stitches I didn’t get, waited two days to take to dr for broken arm, did not get me all my shots such that I had to scramble to get them before college, didn’t notice I needed glasses forever). I was a straight A student and an athlete. Even if I haven’t been - I do know i didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

My father died very young while I was in my early twenties. We kindof romanticized his death because it was so tragic and he was young. My dad despite his faults did say he loved me and was proud of me often.

My mother on the other hand… she required a lot of me over the years with crazy irrational worry, I had to force her with the threat of commitment to get on depression meds. She also said awful stuff like how she could never see me being a mom and that my husband wasn’t “really” going to be there for me, was also cruel to my sibling in a different manner. In between those episodes she could be kind and she did live long enough to meet her grandchildren and doted on them. I mostly made peace with my upbringing and I feel both my parents had challenges that made it hard for them - both grew up poor, mom had mental health issues, and I know my dad drank too much. It’s like, they had limits and tried their best I think. Just didn’t know better. My sibling deals with this by selectively not remembering stuff and rose colored view of the rest, which I am not sure is healthy.

My mom passed away fairly recently and while I miss talking to her, I do have relief both because I no longer have to worry about her and also I think because I can fully close that chapter and move forward being the best mother I can to my child in spite of my parents.

People who say they dislike their parents and then amazingly find something to blame the parents for 50 years earlier, do it because they don't want to be responsible for caregiving. Just looking for excuses. A lot are afraid of old age and find it repulsive, so avoiding old people is another reason.

Just remember OP that your children are watching and learning. They see how you treat your parents: one day you will be that parent, and your children will likely see you as you now see your parents