Sorry you're struggling with this, OP. I know what it's like to feel like everyone is blaming you for behavior you don't condone and have in fact tried for years to stop.

I hear that you say your kid doesn't qualify for SN privates, but there are privates for kids who need more support. Some are SN privates, and some are traditional privates with more openness to neurodivergent kids. I'm not sure you need to change schools, but if you decide to, these are worth seriously considering, especially as you approach middle school. I was super hesitant about this road myself for a similar kid, but it really has been a godsend.

It also infuriates me when schools seem to think we at home have some magic that can fix things. Trust me, if I did, they wouldn't need to call me on the first place! Our kid's therapist even recommended to us at one point that we keep school and home separate and don't give consequences at home for school issues (although that may vary by kid and situation). Much of my kid's school behavior is also so different from home that it's hard to really enforce something - like, he has went through a period of swearing a lot at school but didn't swear at all at home. I try to remind myself that they are reaching out to partner and approach it that way, but I do think there is an outdated idea for some teachers that the behavior is somewhat about lax parenting.

The key is just to clarify from the school why they are telling you these things and what they want you to do as a result - like "What's the goal of this communication, and how do you feel I can beat support your work there at home?"

I am hyper sensitive to this type of thing, and so I very much feel you. But I think you have to take it in stride and try to see it as an attempt at positive communication. Maybe try the reverse by notifying them a lot of things at home and being super involved to show open communication?

FWIW, public was a giant disaster for my very similar kid, so I would never switch to public just because of over communication. His behavior will be worse in public and you'll only realize it when it has gotten so bad it's a disaster.

Anonymous wrote:Op - it’s not a sn school (he does not qualify for one) but they do have an entirely social emotionally focused curriculum.

I don’t mind that they are calling me I kind that I don’t know what to do or what they expect of me beyond what I’m already doing of which they are aware

What non-special needs school in the DMV costs $65K for 4th or 5th grade? I haven’t seen anything over $60K, and most are around $55K.

My ADHD (maybe ASD) child is also 10 and in a mainstream private. My child is also medicated, sees a therapist, does a social skills group, and is doing ok. But we have had weeks and months where I was just trying to figure out how to make sure my child was behaving at school, and thankful for the grace the school gave me to work it out when my child wasn’t behaving.

We have had moments when I’ve gotten a call from the teacher or head of school for their division. It’s always because my child’s behavior is impacting another child in a way that the school finds to be unacceptable. In all honesty, if another child treated my child that way, I would also find it unacceptable. Which is to say that I agree with the behavior standards that our school has, and believe that they should hold all children (including mine) accountable to that standard. I never get class when my child disrupts the class, only when they feel my child has harmed another child.

If this is really only a pattern the last couple of weeks, then you need to deal with your frustration on being called and stop blaming the school for the calls when it’s your DC’s behavior which is to blame. There are just a handful of days left this year, just get through it.

If this is a longer trend, the school is likely signaling they want you to do more/ try more. They obviously don’t think you are doing enough. That may not be true, you may be doing everything, but if you ask the counselor they will likely tell you what they think you should be doing. At least then you will know.

Anonymous wrote:As a public school parent, I don’t understand what the school thinks OP can do about these things? My best friend from college has a son at a private school. He has ADHD. She is CONSTANTLY getting calls like this. What’s she supposed to do about it? I thought they were laying the groundwork to kick him out but they have not.

Consequences at home, adhd medication, therapy...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of it is they’re trying to make you decide he’s not a fit. And it sounds like he’s not.

This. They can’t outright oust him so they are wearing you down in hopes to do it yourself. I point blank told our school that whatever they hope I will say to my child, we already say every single day, and I don’t want to be bothered about non-violent and minor things my child says.

this. they are creating a record to counsel him out

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teacher perspective, having worked at a private and now at public: we’ve tried everything on our end and we can’t get the student to stop doing whatever the difficult thing is. All we can do is send them to the office, and in the office they call parents. We need your help to make it stop and we’re grasping at straws. We want to inconvenience you enough that you make a big deal out of it so maybe the kid finally quits doing whatever the thing is that’s offensive.

do you have a sn child?

I do not. Your child’s teachers will not experience him the same way his mother does.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a huge downside of private. They are not necessarily trying to get rid of your child but they will make you hyper aware of anything and everything. It is very stressful, but typical.

When our child moved to public, the silence of no phone calls was a sweet relief.

Oh my gosh yes, I agree!! We went through 3 years of regular calls and it was so awful. Switched to public and they only call if someone lays hands on someone. It makes life so much easier!! We catch up regularly for iep meetings or behavior check ins but those are scheduled not in the middle of my work day. I didnt realize this was other people's experience too!

Absolutely, and there are zero consequences when your child bullies other kids or says hurtful thing. So, when your kid grows into a mal-adjusted adult you can say 'we had no idea. Everything was going so well at school'...

Super weird reading of what the pp said

Clearly sarcasm!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a huge downside of private. They are not necessarily trying to get rid of your child but they will make you hyper aware of anything and everything. It is very stressful, but typical.

When our child moved to public, the silence of no phone calls was a sweet relief.

Oh my gosh yes, I agree!! We went through 3 years of regular calls and it was so awful. Switched to public and they only call if someone lays hands on someone. It makes life so much easier!! We catch up regularly for iep meetings or behavior check ins but those are scheduled not in the middle of my work day. I didnt realize this was other people's experience too!

Absolutely, and there are zero consequences when your child bullies other kids or says hurtful thing. So, when your kid grows into a mal-adjusted adult you can say 'we had no idea. Everything was going so well at school'...

Super weird reading of what the pp said

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a huge downside of private. They are not necessarily trying to get rid of your child but they will make you hyper aware of anything and everything. It is very stressful, but typical.

When our child moved to public, the silence of no phone calls was a sweet relief.

Oh my gosh yes, I agree!! We went through 3 years of regular calls and it was so awful. Switched to public and they only call if someone lays hands on someone. It makes life so much easier!! We catch up regularly for iep meetings or behavior check ins but those are scheduled not in the middle of my work day. I didnt realize this was other people's experience too!

Absolutely, and there are zero consequences when your child bullies other kids or says hurtful thing. So, when your kid grows into a mal-adjusted adult you can say 'we had no idea. Everything was going so well at school'...

Anonymous wrote:Does he have a phone? How is he on text threads?

They have a text chain and he has an iPad

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the calls and emails until you get off work.

Not your job to be some bored admin's buddy.

What!?!?!?

This is what people mean by abdication of responsibility. He is OP's son! He is absolutely her (and his dad's) responsibility 24/7. If he is not functioning at the school, he needs to move on.

Does he have a phone? How is he on text threads?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg famously told the school to start calling her son’s father instead of her and then magically the calls stopped coming. The school was happy to bother a mom during her work day but felt bad bothering the dad over every little thing.

I would not feel compelled to answer all these calls. Let them go to VM and then just scan the text summary of the call to make sure if doesn’t say the word “hospital” or “ambulance”. You can’t do anything in that moment anyway.

You should raise these issues with the therapist. You might also want to look at some books like “my mouth is a volcano.” But it also sounds like the school is too quick to call you. He is right that slaves were sold in ancient markets. It was a correct answer and not one that was designed to be hurtful or harassing. Are we supposed to pretend Roman’s and Greeks didn’t have slaves? I would be irritated about that call.

But generally empty this “Thank you for calling. I appreciate your letting me know. I will speak with Larlo and let him know that this is not the behavior we expect from him. Please let me lnow if there’s anything further I can do to help.” And remind yourself that at some point this too shall pass—or he will become someone like Bill Maher and make his little quips on TV for a lot of money.

Perhaps you should discuss this with whoever prescribes the meds for the ADHD. Perhaps an change in dose or a new med is needed.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like your child needs a program for students with special needs. He needs someone to work with him specifically about what he can and cannot say in public. You need to get this under control before a classmate responds to his needling people in a physical way. Go to your pediatrician, get a neuropsych, see what they recommend. OT? Therapy? Meds? A behavior plan? Something. Stop making this about the school bothering you at work and figure out what to do to help your kid. It's likely that private school cannot offer your child the services that his disability requires.

Umm, no. As much as a neurodivergent kid needs to learn NOT to say things, surely a neurotypical kid can learn NOT to get physical.