Excuse me, what?

OP it doesn’t matter what other people do or don’t do. There are only two questions you need to ask:

1) can you comfortably afford more help?

2) is your spouse on board with paying for more help?

If the answer to both of these questions is “yes” then just do it and don’t give a second thought to what anyone else might think is an acceptable use of your time, energy, or money.

This is a class issue. Anyone who can afford help eventually has it with multiple children.

My kids go to 3 hrs/3 days preschool and every single sahm has regular help. If you don’t it’s very hard to feel put together, volunteer, get any time alone, get one on one time with kids, schedule therapies, etc. You don’t get days off or sick time as a sahm so you have to build in that time via husband help, swapping with friends, family time. This isn’t the 50s when you could send your 4 year old out to play while you clean.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these husbands with a SAHM, a nanny, and a housekeeper are being taken for a ride. If you pay someone else to do it all, what does he need you for? Hope you are good at it!

Do you only value your wife for her income and housekeeping abilities? That seems kind of sad.

NP. Personally, I would not want to be the breadwinner while DH is a “sahp” with a team of hired help.

I do think there are more men than women, though, who want a trophy spouse. If money is no object and the couple is into these roles, I say they go for it. But it would be pretty unfair to make someone feel like they need to hustle and stress because their partner doesn’t enjoy working inside or outside the house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these husbands with a SAHM, a nanny, and a housekeeper are being taken for a ride. If you pay someone else to do it all, what does he need you for? Hope you are good at it!

The DHs wouldn’t even know how to find and manage a nanny and housekeeper if they tried.

I assure if they earn enough to afford the nanny and the housekeeper, they are quite capable of hiring and managing them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these husbands with a SAHM, a nanny, and a housekeeper are being taken for a ride. If you pay someone else to do it all, what does he need you for? Hope you are good at it!

Do you only value your wife for her income and housekeeping abilities? That seems kind of sad.

I am the wife. If they don't want to take care of the house and kids, and want to pay someone else to do it, they should be working. Fake SAHMs give real SAHMs a bad rep. Some of us take it very seriously and are quite good at it. Some women just want to be unemployed and use their kids (that they pay someone else to watch) as their excuse.

Well, I spend $0.
But DH doesn’t want to do any housework ever or watch the kids solo, and he doesn’t want to live near my (very helpful) family. So, he spends about $400/wk on housekeeping and childcare.

Anonymous wrote:All these husbands with a SAHM, a nanny, and a housekeeper are being taken for a ride. If you pay someone else to do it all, what does he need you for? Hope you are good at it!

The DHs wouldn’t even know how to find and manage a nanny and housekeeper if they tried.

Anonymous wrote:All these husbands with a SAHM, a nanny, and a housekeeper are being taken for a ride. If you pay someone else to do it all, what does he need you for? Hope you are good at it!

Do you only value your wife for her income and housekeeping abilities? That seems kind of sad.

All these husbands with a SAHM, a nanny, and a housekeeper are being taken for a ride. If you pay someone else to do it all, what does he need you for? Hope you are good at it!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can't manage two kids with biweekly cleaners, SAH is not for you. If its so hard, why would you even want to? Don't try to force a square peg into a round hole.

Totally disagree. Depends on a lot of factors including how many hours the spouse works, whether he/she travels, local family help, whether the kids are high needs etc. I absolutely love being a SAHM but you’d better believe I had help especially when my kids were younger!

Also my staying at home had nothing to do with house cleaning. I would straighten up, but my primary role is child and pet care, school and extracurricular runs, home management, organizing and meal planning/cooking. We outsource lawn care and house cleaning and that’s fairly typical for the SAHMs I know. (Obviously is going to depend on incomes.)

So true. My SAHM stepsister would probably answer this question as $0 and that she’s a super, so-it-all SAHM, and not mention that her mom gives her like 20 hours of free childcare a week.

Anonymous wrote:If you can't manage two kids with biweekly cleaners, SAH is not for you. If its so hard, why would you even want to? Don't try to force a square peg into a round hole.

Totally disagree. Depends on a lot of factors including how many hours the spouse works, whether he/she travels, local family help, whether the kids are high needs etc. I absolutely love being a SAHM but you’d better believe I had help especially when my kids were younger!

Also my staying at home had nothing to do with house cleaning. I would straighten up, but my primary role is child and pet care, school and extracurricular runs, home management, organizing and meal planning/cooking. We outsource lawn care and house cleaning and that’s fairly typical for the SAHMs I know. (Obviously is going to depend on incomes.)

I consider this help that “we” have, not just that “I” have. If DH sometimes cooked or did dishes or laundry or watched the kids solo, then we probably wouldn’t need help. But he doesn’t want to do any of that stuff, and I don’t want to do 100% of it, so we hire help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can't manage two kids with biweekly cleaners, SAH is not for you. If its so hard, why would you even want to? Don't try to force a square peg into a round hole.

Not op but I mean “can” and “want to” are different, right? I’m perfectly capable of managing two kids and a house with no help, but I don’t want to live my life without ever getting solo time to do my own adult things. If I don’t get to exercise, go on dates with my DH, go to doctor’s appointments etc when I need them and have some solo time for hobbies and relaxation, I’m not happy with how I’ve set up my life. If you’re a SAHM, doing those things means paying for some childcare (or having free care from family, or a spouse who will take over for you sometimes).

OP said she's "drowning." Sounds like "can't" to me. It doesn't seem like a good fit for her. Its not for everyone and I don't understand why so many who clearly dislike being a SAHM insist on remaining a SAHM. I think they just want to "not work" which is not the same thing.

Oh, and an occasional date night sitter and a part-time nanny are very different, but you knew that.

It may also depend on what kind of parent mode she is in. I don’t mean good or bad parent, but I was the kind of parent who spent all my time and energy interacting with my kid, or thinking about my kid, shopping or cooking for my kid, and doing research on my phone on my “down time.” It was borne of anxiety in part, and it is exhausting.

Exactly the kind of mothers who shouldn’t SAH.

$0 that's why I am here
I actually love taking care of kids and cleaning so it's all good.