Anonymous
05/10/2024 14:35
Subject: Would you cancel? Birthday dinner “dilemma”.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I hope your dd was able to connect with these girls at school today.
If not I wouldn’t cancel dinner but go elsewhere with her and maybe a movie. I take it you are in a lower income school. This type of stuff happens all the time. Make it clear you are paying.
Why do you assume a lower income school? Everyone else seems to think it’s a private.
Presume, not assume.
People with less money have more reason to turn down pricey events.
No, to assume is to suppose something based on little or no evidence. To presume is to suppose something based on strong evidence. You have little to no evidence that these girls are turning down or ignoring OP's invitation because they think they can't afford it.
Anonymous
05/10/2024 14:29
Subject: Would you cancel? Birthday dinner “dilemma”.
Those of you who helicopter like that will have kids who end up in detox as soon as they get to college. Freedom must be learned slowly. Really think through your time frame here. If you don't start slowly when they are young teens, they won't have the tools to handle the independence when it is necessary and expected.
Anonymous
05/10/2024 14:29
Subject: Would you cancel? Birthday dinner “dilemma”.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your mistake was the Evite. Either you or your daughter get the girl's cells and send the time and place in a group chat and ask the girls to text RSVP by x date. Follow up on that date with anyone that hasn't.
My 15yo was invited to a birthday party this weekend via Evite. I had not RSVPd. Kid texted my kid and my kid told me to RSVP yes and I did.
Are these girls your daughter hangs out with regularly?
These are friends she just made this school year. Outside of school, she hasn’t had a chance to hang out with them.
These don't sound like close friends if they never get together outside of school. My guess is that these are "friendly" kids, not really friends. Why the Evite? 15 year olds don't do that. They text or message to coordinate date/time/place.
My 14 year old's friend has a birthday party on Saturday afternoon. The plans were made entirely between the kids, with no parental involvement, and through texts/messaging. Parents only get involved if someone needs a ride.
Why not? It’s been my experience that other parents want some kind of communication with another parent before dropping them off at their house or a venue for a party instead of going off of their kid’s word. I thought the Evite would be easy since it includes all the information the parents need.
Do you have teenagers? I absolutely just take my kid's word for it. YOu want me to drop you at Olive garden and come back in two hours? Okey dokey. I don't need to talk to Larla's mom.
That’s too hands off for me. Kid could be lying and that’s how trouble starts. I want to know with who and what parent is supervising for any outings, or any home visits, if any. YMMV.
You think your 13 year old kid needs parental supervision to eat alone at Olive Garden???
Seriously?
It must be a cultural thing. No one in my circle would ever drop their 13 year old at a restaurant without some kind of supervision.
Anonymous
05/10/2024 14:23
Subject: Would you cancel? Birthday dinner “dilemma”.
My 15 year old did a restaurant birthday dinner this year. She worked it out among her friends which ones could go. The 2 that could drive drove the others and dropped them off after. DD made the dinner reservation herself. My only involvement was dropping off balloons at the restaurant to be placed on her table (before they got there) to surprise her and giving her my credit card to pay for the meal. I actually know her friends’ parents pretty well but…they didn’t seem to need me to be involved at this age.
I have a lot of conversations with my teen that are like, “I want to do X with my friends.” “Great- do I need to be involved in this?”
And she will respond either like “Yes, we need more parents to drive at X time.” Or “Nope, but I’ll let you know if things change.”
I have a lot of conversations with my teen that are like, “I want to do X with my friends.” “Great- do I need to be involved in this?”
And she will respond either like “Yes, we need more parents to drive at X time.” Or “Nope, but I’ll let you know if things change.”
Anonymous
05/10/2024 14:17
Subject: Would you cancel? Birthday dinner “dilemma”.
Anonymous wrote:I have 13 and 15 yo teens. My 13 yo probably went to 20+ parties this year and most were evites or paperless posts. There was a formal wedding type invitation for a bar mitzvah but others were mostly evites. There were a few small dinner or outings like a basketball game or last minute birthday dinner that were via text.
My 15yo is going to a party this weekend and it was an Evite.
For my 15yo’s birthday this year, I originally sent a text out to his closest 5 friends about a month in advance to see if kids were available. Then I booked and texted a few other friends including 2 kids I had never met. Every kid came.
Must be nice that your children are so socially popular.
Maybe this isn’t the thread for you to rub that in though. OP is asking how to handle a situation where of the 3 kids her daughter invited, none of them want to come.
Anonymous
05/10/2024 14:14
Subject: Would you cancel? Birthday dinner “dilemma”.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your mistake was the Evite. Either you or your daughter get the girl's cells and send the time and place in a group chat and ask the girls to text RSVP by x date. Follow up on that date with anyone that hasn't.
My 15yo was invited to a birthday party this weekend via Evite. I had not RSVPd. Kid texted my kid and my kid told me to RSVP yes and I did.
Are these girls your daughter hangs out with regularly?
These are friends she just made this school year. Outside of school, she hasn’t had a chance to hang out with them.
These don't sound like close friends if they never get together outside of school. My guess is that these are "friendly" kids, not really friends. Why the Evite? 15 year olds don't do that. They text or message to coordinate date/time/place.
My 14 year old's friend has a birthday party on Saturday afternoon. The plans were made entirely between the kids, with no parental involvement, and through texts/messaging. Parents only get involved if someone needs a ride.
Why not? It’s been my experience that other parents want some kind of communication with another parent before dropping them off at their house or a venue for a party instead of going off of their kid’s word. I thought the Evite would be easy since it includes all the information the parents need.
Do you have teenagers? I absolutely just take my kid's word for it. YOu want me to drop you at Olive garden and come back in two hours? Okey dokey. I don't need to talk to Larla's mom.
That’s too hands off for me. Kid could be lying and that’s how trouble starts. I want to know with who and what parent is supervising for any outings, or any home visits, if any. YMMV.
Good lord. You're setting your kid up to be a social pariah. There was a girl who had parents like you in our group in high school. We did a slow fade on her because she interrogated everything we tried to do with her, whether it was hanging at the mall or going to a movie. Who was going to be there? What time would the event begin and end? Lady, I don't know. We're going to look at cheap jewelry at Claire's, laugh at the weird stuff at Hot Topic, and probably eat something gross like Taco Bell and Burger King. If various people are also at the mall and come talk to us, I can't control that.
Who is this “we” you are talking about?
Anonymous
05/10/2024 14:13
Subject: Would you cancel? Birthday dinner “dilemma”.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your mistake was the Evite. Either you or your daughter get the girl's cells and send the time and place in a group chat and ask the girls to text RSVP by x date. Follow up on that date with anyone that hasn't.
My 15yo was invited to a birthday party this weekend via Evite. I had not RSVPd. Kid texted my kid and my kid told me to RSVP yes and I did.
Are these girls your daughter hangs out with regularly?
These are friends she just made this school year. Outside of school, she hasn’t had a chance to hang out with them.
These don't sound like close friends if they never get together outside of school. My guess is that these are "friendly" kids, not really friends. Why the Evite? 15 year olds don't do that. They text or message to coordinate date/time/place.
My 14 year old's friend has a birthday party on Saturday afternoon. The plans were made entirely between the kids, with no parental involvement, and through texts/messaging. Parents only get involved if someone needs a ride.
Why not? It’s been my experience that other parents want some kind of communication with another parent before dropping them off at their house or a venue for a party instead of going off of their kid’s word. I thought the Evite would be easy since it includes all the information the parents need.
Do you have teenagers? I absolutely just take my kid's word for it. YOu want me to drop you at Olive garden and come back in two hours? Okey dokey. I don't need to talk to Larla's mom.
That’s too hands off for me. Kid could be lying and that’s how trouble starts. I want to know with who and what parent is supervising for any outings, or any home visits, if any. YMMV.
You think your 13 year old kid needs parental supervision to eat alone at Olive Garden???
Seriously?
I never see tables of very young teens dining alone in an OG type restaurant. I have an almost 14 y/o and he has only 1 time gone out to a table service restaurant without parents. It's not that common for us. For one it's expensive. Are you giving your kid $25 for a meal frequently to dine out with friends? Really?
Anonymous
05/10/2024 14:09
Subject: Would you cancel? Birthday dinner “dilemma”.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your mistake was the Evite. Either you or your daughter get the girl's cells and send the time and place in a group chat and ask the girls to text RSVP by x date. Follow up on that date with anyone that hasn't.
My 15yo was invited to a birthday party this weekend via Evite. I had not RSVPd. Kid texted my kid and my kid told me to RSVP yes and I did.
Are these girls your daughter hangs out with regularly?
These are friends she just made this school year. Outside of school, she hasn’t had a chance to hang out with them.
These don't sound like close friends if they never get together outside of school. My guess is that these are "friendly" kids, not really friends. Why the Evite? 15 year olds don't do that. They text or message to coordinate date/time/place.
My 14 year old's friend has a birthday party on Saturday afternoon. The plans were made entirely between the kids, with no parental involvement, and through texts/messaging. Parents only get involved if someone needs a ride.
People need to stfu with speaking for every teen and parent. Not everyone does that.
I can imagine the kids texts. They would be like “ok I’m gonna say that it’s Beth’s birthday party and Beth will say it’s my birthday. We’ll have our clueless moms drop us off at the restaurant and we’ll meet Jeff and Sam there. Sam drives, we hang out at Sam’s house because his parents are away for the weekend. We figure out how to sleep at Sam’s later. “
That is not at all what I’m saying. The parents are informed of the plans, but aren’t the ones making them. It’s weird to send evites to parents about a 15 year old’s birthday party, instead of the birthday kid getting together with friends and with their parents separately to figure things out.
How it usually goes at our house is like this. Kid and parents figure out open Fridays/Saturdays/school holidays that would work for the dinner or bowling or whatever and a budget. Kid then texts/chats/meets in person with friends to figure out what works for the group collectively. Friends check with their parents during these discussions to make sure everything works for them as well, and to see if they’ll need rides. Once this is all sorted, kid informs host parents who then send out a group text confirming the details, offering rides, etc. At no point do parents send Evites to other parents. There is no need to RSVP because kid already knows who can come.
I just think that discussing how you do things is helpful. There are many reasons for doing it differently.
I had a surprise party for my 8th grader at a hotel where the 15 kids spent the night after going to a restaurant and swimming. I had to deal with the parents and some of them really suck.
You’re describing the average teen but it doesn’t describe every teen.
Anonymous
05/10/2024 14:01
Subject: Would you cancel? Birthday dinner “dilemma”.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your mistake was the Evite. Either you or your daughter get the girl's cells and send the time and place in a group chat and ask the girls to text RSVP by x date. Follow up on that date with anyone that hasn't.
My 15yo was invited to a birthday party this weekend via Evite. I had not RSVPd. Kid texted my kid and my kid told me to RSVP yes and I did.
Are these girls your daughter hangs out with regularly?
These are friends she just made this school year. Outside of school, she hasn’t had a chance to hang out with them.
These don't sound like close friends if they never get together outside of school. My guess is that these are "friendly" kids, not really friends. Why the Evite? 15 year olds don't do that. They text or message to coordinate date/time/place.
My 14 year old's friend has a birthday party on Saturday afternoon. The plans were made entirely between the kids, with no parental involvement, and through texts/messaging. Parents only get involved if someone needs a ride.
Why not? It’s been my experience that other parents want some kind of communication with another parent before dropping them off at their house or a venue for a party instead of going off of their kid’s word. I thought the Evite would be easy since it includes all the information the parents need.
Do you have teenagers? I absolutely just take my kid's word for it. YOu want me to drop you at Olive garden and come back in two hours? Okey dokey. I don't need to talk to Larla's mom.
That’s too hands off for me. Kid could be lying and that’s how trouble starts. I want to know with who and what parent is supervising for any outings, or any home visits, if any. YMMV.
You think your 13 year old kid needs parental supervision to eat alone at Olive Garden???
Seriously?
Anonymous
05/10/2024 13:50
Subject: Would you cancel? Birthday dinner “dilemma”.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I hope your dd was able to connect with these girls at school today.
If not I wouldn’t cancel dinner but go elsewhere with her and maybe a movie. I take it you are in a lower income school. This type of stuff happens all the time. Make it clear you are paying.
Why do you assume a lower income school? Everyone else seems to think it’s a private.
Presume, not assume.
People with less money have more reason to turn down pricey events.
My teen has sports on Friday nights, sometimes other school commitments.
Anonymous
05/10/2024 13:50
Subject: Would you cancel? Birthday dinner “dilemma”.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your mistake was the Evite. Either you or your daughter get the girl's cells and send the time and place in a group chat and ask the girls to text RSVP by x date. Follow up on that date with anyone that hasn't.
My 15yo was invited to a birthday party this weekend via Evite. I had not RSVPd. Kid texted my kid and my kid told me to RSVP yes and I did.
Are these girls your daughter hangs out with regularly?
These are friends she just made this school year. Outside of school, she hasn’t had a chance to hang out with them.
These don't sound like close friends if they never get together outside of school. My guess is that these are "friendly" kids, not really friends. Why the Evite? 15 year olds don't do that. They text or message to coordinate date/time/place.
My 14 year old's friend has a birthday party on Saturday afternoon. The plans were made entirely between the kids, with no parental involvement, and through texts/messaging. Parents only get involved if someone needs a ride.
Why not? It’s been my experience that other parents want some kind of communication with another parent before dropping them off at their house or a venue for a party instead of going off of their kid’s word. I thought the Evite would be easy since it includes all the information the parents need.
Do you have teenagers? I absolutely just take my kid's word for it. YOu want me to drop you at Olive garden and come back in two hours? Okey dokey. I don't need to talk to Larla's mom.
That’s too hands off for me. Kid could be lying and that’s how trouble starts. I want to know with who and what parent is supervising for any outings, or any home visits, if any. YMMV.
Just ask your kid for the friend's parent's phone number, and confirm with the parent.
How old is your kid? Do you keep your kid under supervision every time they go out?
Anonymous
05/10/2024 13:50
Subject: Would you cancel? Birthday dinner “dilemma”.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your mistake was the Evite. Either you or your daughter get the girl's cells and send the time and place in a group chat and ask the girls to text RSVP by x date. Follow up on that date with anyone that hasn't.
My 15yo was invited to a birthday party this weekend via Evite. I had not RSVPd. Kid texted my kid and my kid told me to RSVP yes and I did.
Are these girls your daughter hangs out with regularly?
These are friends she just made this school year. Outside of school, she hasn’t had a chance to hang out with them.
These don't sound like close friends if they never get together outside of school. My guess is that these are "friendly" kids, not really friends. Why the Evite? 15 year olds don't do that. They text or message to coordinate date/time/place.
My 14 year old's friend has a birthday party on Saturday afternoon. The plans were made entirely between the kids, with no parental involvement, and through texts/messaging. Parents only get involved if someone needs a ride.
Why not? It’s been my experience that other parents want some kind of communication with another parent before dropping them off at their house or a venue for a party instead of going off of their kid’s word. I thought the Evite would be easy since it includes all the information the parents need.
Do you have teenagers? I absolutely just take my kid's word for it. YOu want me to drop you at Olive garden and come back in two hours? Okey dokey. I don't need to talk to Larla's mom.
YES, I want to confirm things with a parent.
Anonymous
05/10/2024 13:48
Subject: Would you cancel? Birthday dinner “dilemma”.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I hope your dd was able to connect with these girls at school today.
If not I wouldn’t cancel dinner but go elsewhere with her and maybe a movie. I take it you are in a lower income school. This type of stuff happens all the time. Make it clear you are paying.
Why do you assume a lower income school? Everyone else seems to think it’s a private.
Presume, not assume.
People with less money have more reason to turn down pricey events.
Anonymous
05/10/2024 13:47
Subject: Would you cancel? Birthday dinner “dilemma”.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I hope your dd was able to connect with these girls at school today.
If not I wouldn’t cancel dinner but go elsewhere with her and maybe a movie. I take it you are in a lower income school. This type of stuff happens all the time. Make it clear you are paying.
Why do you assume a lower income school? Everyone else seems to think it’s a private.
Doubtful it’s private by the way it was worded in original statement.
Anonymous
05/10/2024 13:47
Subject: Would you cancel? Birthday dinner “dilemma”.
"Yes" means "Maybe" and "Maybe" means "No".
Add that to "she's never socialized with these kids during free time".
The high probability outcome is that these kids don't want to come to dinner, and they're not going to come to her. I'd get ahead of the bad news. Tell your daughter that you're sorry the plans didn't work out, and you'll go with just her. (If someone shows up, that's a surprise bonus.)
You need to dig deeper, afterwards. Why were these people the ones she invited? Does she have any friends at all, locally, that she sees during free time? Working that.
Add that to "she's never socialized with these kids during free time".
The high probability outcome is that these kids don't want to come to dinner, and they're not going to come to her. I'd get ahead of the bad news. Tell your daughter that you're sorry the plans didn't work out, and you'll go with just her. (If someone shows up, that's a surprise bonus.)
You need to dig deeper, afterwards. Why were these people the ones she invited? Does she have any friends at all, locally, that she sees during free time? Working that.