Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

I have been there.

Counseling really helped me. I think what I realized from listening to him in counseling is that I just have to let him be who he is and paddle my own canoe.

That 1000% means I had to adjust my goals for our domestic life. I just did. I can’t make him be the partner/teammate I thought he would be. I can’t! There is only the him who is there, and he is in charge of that person. I still love him. I have a different and perhaps more realistic view.

Part of the problem was that I felt like I would be a doormat or a chump if I stopped pushing for him to pull his weight. But ultimately, our relationship is much better because I fully respect his autonomy. If you do that and you really hate the lazy schmuck who lives in your house, you can still get divorced.

I'm not OP but why do you have to be the one to change? Why does your partner get to have a spouse + a personal assistant/chef/housekeeper (whatever it is he isn't pulling his weight on)? The rest of us would love a partner who took care of the rest of these pesky life details. Or even just an equal partner.

Actually, he DID change a lot. By himself, for himself, and to be a good dad and husband. Not in all the ways I would have laid out in a letter or a checklist, but in a lot of ways that have been important for our family.

And yet…the message you are sending with these petty jabs is “it’s not enough…it’s never enough…you aren’t enough”
OP—if DH is truly a jerk, that’s a different story. But respectfully, you defend him here in this post not arent recognizing what it must be like for him to be on the receiving end of realizing that even with a huge effort to make big changes (“ by himself, for himself, and to be a good dad and husband”—your words), it is not enough for the woman he loves because she expects no less than perfection and complete adherence to her standards even in the little things.
It’s just….it can be defeating.
And your husband won’t say this, because it will sound threatening, but I will: there are many many women “out there” who will appreciate the many wonderful things about him that you forget to highlight and who will overlook the small things that drive you crazy. He doesn’t want those women. He wants you. But he also wants a peaceful existence with you.
I think it would be helpful if you do your part not to tip the scales.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?

Can you read?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

I have been there.

Counseling really helped me. I think what I realized from listening to him in counseling is that I just have to let him be who he is and paddle my own canoe.

That 1000% means I had to adjust my goals for our domestic life. I just did. I can’t make him be the partner/teammate I thought he would be. I can’t! There is only the him who is there, and he is in charge of that person. I still love him. I have a different and perhaps more realistic view.

Part of the problem was that I felt like I would be a doormat or a chump if I stopped pushing for him to pull his weight. But ultimately, our relationship is much better because I fully respect his autonomy. If you do that and you really hate the lazy schmuck who lives in your house, you can still get divorced.

I'm not OP but why do you have to be the one to change? Why does your partner get to have a spouse + a personal assistant/chef/housekeeper (whatever it is he isn't pulling his weight on)? The rest of us would love a partner who took care of the rest of these pesky life details. Or even just an equal partner.

Actually, he DID change a lot. By himself, for himself, and to be a good dad and husband. Not in all the ways I would have laid out in a letter or a checklist, but in a lot of ways that have been important for our family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. Reading your first post, I knew the deeper issue was about division of labor. It doesn't occur to him to try to keep the couch clean because he won't be the one to try to clean it if it does get dirty. The little things add up because if they go wrong, they fall on you, and so you want to prevent issues while none of it even lands on his radar.

I think your deeper issue is a common one. It is 100% the dynamic I struggle with at home. I really think there is no answer. you cannot change him. Unless he wants to be more aware, nothing you do can get him there. It will only hurt your relationship. So try to let it go. The only other option is misery and divorce and that is not a better road, given that your relationship sounds fine otherwise.

Work on modeling good behavior for your kids, ask them to pitch in and bring their plates etc. it's easier and more natural to speak kindly to your kids kindly on this issue because you are teaching them and don't have the resentment. Hopefully your husband will pick up on the family expectation and will want to aid in the effort to set good examples for the kids. Don't nag him. Get him on the same team.

Op here, thank you, appreciate the constructive advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. Reading your first post, I knew the deeper issue was about division of labor. It doesn't occur to him to try to keep the couch clean because he won't be the one to try to clean it if it does get dirty. The little things add up because if they go wrong, they fall on you, and so you want to prevent issues while none of it even lands on his radar.

I think your deeper issue is a common one. It is 100% the dynamic I struggle with at home. I really think there is no answer. you cannot change him. Unless he wants to be more aware, nothing you do can get him there. It will only hurt your relationship. So try to let it go. The only other option is misery and divorce and that is not a better road, given that your relationship sounds fine otherwise.

Work on modeling good behavior for your kids, ask them to pitch in and bring their plates etc. it's easier and more natural to speak kindly to your kids kindly on this issue because you are teaching them and don't have the resentment. Hopefully your husband will pick up on the family expectation and will want to aid in the effort to set good examples for the kids. Don't nag him. Get him on the same team.

Op here, thank you, appreciate the constructive advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

I have been there.

Counseling really helped me. I think what I realized from listening to him in counseling is that I just have to let him be who he is and paddle my own canoe.

That 1000% means I had to adjust my goals for our domestic life. I just did. I can’t make him be the partner/teammate I thought he would be. I can’t! There is only the him who is there, and he is in charge of that person. I still love him. I have a different and perhaps more realistic view.

Part of the problem was that I felt like I would be a doormat or a chump if I stopped pushing for him to pull his weight. But ultimately, our relationship is much better because I fully respect his autonomy. If you do that and you really hate the lazy schmuck who lives in your house, you can still get divorced.

I'm not OP but why do you have to be the one to change? Why does your partner get to have a spouse + a personal assistant/chef/housekeeper (whatever it is he isn't pulling his weight on)? The rest of us would love a partner who took care of the rest of these pesky life details. Or even just an equal partner.

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. Reading your first post, I knew the deeper issue was about division of labor. It doesn't occur to him to try to keep the couch clean because he won't be the one to try to clean it if it does get dirty. The little things add up because if they go wrong, they fall on you, and so you want to prevent issues while none of it even lands on his radar.

I think your deeper issue is a common one. It is 100% the dynamic I struggle with at home. I really think there is no answer. you cannot change him. Unless he wants to be more aware, nothing you do can get him there. It will only hurt your relationship. So try to let it go. The only other option is misery and divorce and that is not a better road, given that your relationship sounds fine otherwise.

Work on modeling good behavior for your kids, ask them to pitch in and bring their plates etc. it's easier and more natural to speak kindly to your kids kindly on this issue because you are teaching them and don't have the resentment. Hopefully your husband will pick up on the family expectation and will want to aid in the effort to set good examples for the kids. Don't nag him. Get him on the same team.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?