If your child was flagged as gifted think of that more like a diagnosis rather than a statement on him being smart. If he is truly clinically gifted that usually comes along with struggles. Among other issues, gifted kids can struggle socially as they age, can suffer anxiety and depression and can feel crushing boredom leading to lack of engagement at school and even failing classes. Since this is a radical change in his behavior, I would start with the pediatrician but also reach out to a therapist. It may be your child is simply wanting to try new things after years of the same activities — normal teen behavior— or your child could be slipping into a major depression with lack of interest in previously enjoyed activists as a sign.

Could be

Depression
Trauma
Drugs
Porn addiction
Gaming addiction
In the process of getting catfished online
Bullying
Phone addiction, especially if it cuts into his sleep. Some people just cannot function normally without sleep
So many possibilities.

Sounds like the pediatrician is a first step while you get on a wait list for a psychiatrist and psychologist.

Or could just be normal teenage identity finding and separation

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He doesn’t want to go or do any of the sports he played his entire life. This boy has played soccer since preschool and claims he hates it. He has played golf and tennis since kindergarten and is so talented and it is like pulling teeth trying to get him to go to his expensive lessons. I have to force him to go to tennis matches and tournaments. He constantly says he is tired.[/b]

We went on a few big trips in the past year and during spring break, he complained the entire time and declared he will not be going on any large international trips. He does not want to go on our three week summer vacation.

He probably is tired -- he's playing soccer, golf, and tennis? That's a lot. And I saw this as a parent who had a son crazy about sports and tried everything. But not all at the same time.

And for the trips, that also seems like a lot too. Three week summer vacation? He probably doesn't want to be away from friends, or his home for that long. If it was just once a year, but it sounds like your family is ripping and running constantly. How old are your other kids?

He is not playing soccer. He refused to play. After all those years of travel, he does not want to play.

He hasn’t said he wanted to quit tennis yet. He just finds every excuse not to go to clinic and lessons. DS has been having fits and tantrums not going to matches because he will say he didn’t have advance notice. WTF. He had been going to these matches for his entire life. We have friends whose kids work so hard at tennis and just aren’t that good. This is kid is talented and so lazy.

You are way too invested in his sports. It comes oozing out of your posts. When he was little it was okay for you to push him into certain sports but now you have to let him drive the bus. If he doesn’t want to go that’s his choice. If he wants to quit let him. Maybe he will find another sport. It literally does not matter if he is great at tennis; that’s not a real life skill. I think you need to give him more autonomy on activities, so long as he’s not doing drugs or shoplifting he can choose how to spend his time.

Hi OP - you honestly sound pretty pushy and that you have put a lot pressure on this child. I don't blame him for pushing back. This does sound unpleasant, especially given all that you have provided. However, it is not fair that you have put the burden of being the popular, smart, athletic golden child on him. Let him stop the sports. He will likely pick up one or two again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with everyone's comments on the academic stuff and concerns about bullying.

But I need to add something as a parent of an athlete who has made plenty of mistakes myself: you need to let tennis go. Saying you won't let him forfeit and DH yelled at him after a match that he won? This is crazy. You are putting so much pressure on him to be a tennis player. It doesn't matter how good he is. He does not want to be a tennis player and he is telling you so. Let it go. You are choosing his potential success at tennis over your relationship with him and his potential success at life. I know you just want the best for him, but you're setting up a situation where to him it feels like his standing in the family and your love for him is based on whether or not he succeeds at tennis.

He's intentionally pulling away from that and you're failing his test by showing that your love is indeed conditional based on his success at tennis. This is hard to do, but there are good resources online to help yourself separate from all that as a parent- I like Coach Rebecca from Complete Performance and Coach Bre. Both have some good articles to help you unwind where you are with a sport vs. where your kid is.

I believe there are two weeks of tennis left. We are not planning to sign him up.

I asked about our summer and at this point, he doesn’t want to do anything. He said he would like to take some friends to our beach house.

You're not listening to him.

He told you exactly what he wants to do this summer: bum around and chill with friends. Which, at 13/14 is perfectly normal, acceptable and healthy

I don't think it's that normal. He sounds depressed. I'd absolutely make the beach house with friends happen, but I'd also tell him to pick a sleep away camp and to go unplug for a few weeks. Something about his current situation isn't feeling good and it's stressing you both out. Suggest going to a camp and see what he says. (It could be a sports camp or a nature camp or whatever topic he wants to try.)

I disagree. We've learned:

- he's behind on schoolwork
- forced to play sports he doesn't like
- dad yelled at him after a tennis match

Sounds like "I want to spend the summer chilling with my friends" is a pretty reasonable response to the stressors in his life. Obviously he'll need to complete his school work. But I think its ok for him to have a "de-stress/unplug" type of summer.

As a kid, I used to hate summer camp. I much prefered my lazy days walking around the neighborhood, exploring the woods, builting stuff out of crap you find in basements & garages.

It sounds like this kid just needs downtime. Away from sports. Away from school. And at home with no pressure

I agree with downtime especially at this age. I remember tween summers as being just empty and peaceful and perfect. I did a couple of hours of sport a week and spent the rest of my time reading and talking with friends. Literally nothing productive got done and it was great! If you can’t promise to leave him alone at home offer him a very chill sleep away camp (if you can find one).

Things are different now with screens and most kids are busy. My summers were also like this but there were a ton of neighborhood kids around and we had nothing else to do but hang out with each other.

If you let a 13/14 year old with a phone sit around all summer with no parameters, it won't be this idyllic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with everyone's comments on the academic stuff and concerns about bullying.

But I need to add something as a parent of an athlete who has made plenty of mistakes myself: you need to let tennis go. Saying you won't let him forfeit and DH yelled at him after a match that he won? This is crazy. You are putting so much pressure on him to be a tennis player. It doesn't matter how good he is. He does not want to be a tennis player and he is telling you so. Let it go. You are choosing his potential success at tennis over your relationship with him and his potential success at life. I know you just want the best for him, but you're setting up a situation where to him it feels like his standing in the family and your love for him is based on whether or not he succeeds at tennis.

He's intentionally pulling away from that and you're failing his test by showing that your love is indeed conditional based on his success at tennis. This is hard to do, but there are good resources online to help yourself separate from all that as a parent- I like Coach Rebecca from Complete Performance and Coach Bre. Both have some good articles to help you unwind where you are with a sport vs. where your kid is.

I believe there are two weeks of tennis left. We are not planning to sign him up.

I asked about our summer and at this point, he doesn’t want to do anything. He said he would like to take some friends to our beach house.

You're not listening to him.

He told you exactly what he wants to do this summer: bum around and chill with friends. Which, at 13/14 is perfectly normal, acceptable and healthy

I don't think it's that normal. He sounds depressed. I'd absolutely make the beach house with friends happen, but I'd also tell him to pick a sleep away camp and to go unplug for a few weeks. Something about his current situation isn't feeling good and it's stressing you both out. Suggest going to a camp and see what he says. (It could be a sports camp or a nature camp or whatever topic he wants to try.)

I disagree. We've learned:

- he's behind on schoolwork
- forced to play sports he doesn't like
- dad yelled at him after a tennis match

Sounds like "I want to spend the summer chilling with my friends" is a pretty reasonable response to the stressors in his life. Obviously he'll need to complete his school work. But I think its ok for him to have a "de-stress/unplug" type of summer.

As a kid, I used to hate summer camp. I much prefered my lazy days walking around the neighborhood, exploring the woods, builting stuff out of crap you find in basements & garages.

It sounds like this kid just needs downtime. Away from sports. Away from school. And at home with no pressure

I agree with downtime especially at this age. I remember tween summers as being just empty and peaceful and perfect. I did a couple of hours of sport a week and spent the rest of my time reading and talking with friends. Literally nothing productive got done and it was great! If you can’t promise to leave him alone at home offer him a very chill sleep away camp (if you can find one).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with everyone's comments on the academic stuff and concerns about bullying.

But I need to add something as a parent of an athlete who has made plenty of mistakes myself: you need to let tennis go. Saying you won't let him forfeit and DH yelled at him after a match that he won? This is crazy. You are putting so much pressure on him to be a tennis player. It doesn't matter how good he is. He does not want to be a tennis player and he is telling you so. Let it go. You are choosing his potential success at tennis over your relationship with him and his potential success at life. I know you just want the best for him, but you're setting up a situation where to him it feels like his standing in the family and your love for him is based on whether or not he succeeds at tennis.

He's intentionally pulling away from that and you're failing his test by showing that your love is indeed conditional based on his success at tennis. This is hard to do, but there are good resources online to help yourself separate from all that as a parent- I like Coach Rebecca from Complete Performance and Coach Bre. Both have some good articles to help you unwind where you are with a sport vs. where your kid is.

I believe there are two weeks of tennis left. We are not planning to sign him up.

I asked about our summer and at this point, he doesn’t want to do anything. He said he would like to take some friends to our beach house.

You're not listening to him.

He told you exactly what he wants to do this summer: bum around and chill with friends. Which, at 13/14 is perfectly normal, acceptable and healthy

I don't think it's that normal. He sounds depressed. I'd absolutely make the beach house with friends happen, but I'd also tell him to pick a sleep away camp and to go unplug for a few weeks. Something about his current situation isn't feeling good and it's stressing you both out. Suggest going to a camp and see what he says. (It could be a sports camp or a nature camp or whatever topic he wants to try.)

I disagree. We've learned:

- he's behind on schoolwork
- forced to play sports he doesn't like
- dad yelled at him after a tennis match

Sounds like "I want to spend the summer chilling with my friends" is a pretty reasonable response to the stressors in his life. Obviously he'll need to complete his school work. But I think its ok for him to have a "de-stress/unplug" type of summer.

As a kid, I used to hate summer camp. I much prefered my lazy days walking around the neighborhood, exploring the woods, builting stuff out of crap you find in basements & garages.

It sounds like this kid just needs downtime. Away from sports. Away from school. And at home with no pressure

I'm not sure his home with ever be no pressure given his parents. The suggestion of going away is to separate from the unhealthy pressure he faces at home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with everyone's comments on the academic stuff and concerns about bullying.

But I need to add something as a parent of an athlete who has made plenty of mistakes myself: you need to let tennis go. Saying you won't let him forfeit and DH yelled at him after a match that he won? This is crazy. You are putting so much pressure on him to be a tennis player. It doesn't matter how good he is. He does not want to be a tennis player and he is telling you so. Let it go. You are choosing his potential success at tennis over your relationship with him and his potential success at life. I know you just want the best for him, but you're setting up a situation where to him it feels like his standing in the family and your love for him is based on whether or not he succeeds at tennis.

He's intentionally pulling away from that and you're failing his test by showing that your love is indeed conditional based on his success at tennis. This is hard to do, but there are good resources online to help yourself separate from all that as a parent- I like Coach Rebecca from Complete Performance and Coach Bre. Both have some good articles to help you unwind where you are with a sport vs. where your kid is.

I believe there are two weeks of tennis left. We are not planning to sign him up.

I asked about our summer and at this point, he doesn’t want to do anything. He said he would like to take some friends to our beach house.

You're not listening to him.

He told you exactly what he wants to do this summer: bum around and chill with friends. Which, at 13/14 is perfectly normal, acceptable and healthy

I don't think it's that normal. He sounds depressed. I'd absolutely make the beach house with friends happen, but I'd also tell him to pick a sleep away camp and to go unplug for a few weeks. Something about his current situation isn't feeling good and it's stressing you both out. Suggest going to a camp and see what he says. (It could be a sports camp or a nature camp or whatever topic he wants to try.)

I disagree. We've learned:

- he's behind on schoolwork
- forced to play sports he doesn't like
- dad yelled at him after a tennis match

Sounds like "I want to spend the summer chilling with my friends" is a pretty reasonable response to the stressors in his life. Obviously he'll need to complete his school work. But I think its ok for him to have a "de-stress/unplug" type of summer.

As a kid, I used to hate summer camp. I much prefered my lazy days walking around the neighborhood, exploring the woods, builting stuff out of crap you find in basements & garages.

It sounds like this kid just needs downtime. Away from sports. Away from school. And at home with no pressure

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with everyone's comments on the academic stuff and concerns about bullying.

But I need to add something as a parent of an athlete who has made plenty of mistakes myself: you need to let tennis go. Saying you won't let him forfeit and DH yelled at him after a match that he won? This is crazy. You are putting so much pressure on him to be a tennis player. It doesn't matter how good he is. He does not want to be a tennis player and he is telling you so. Let it go. You are choosing his potential success at tennis over your relationship with him and his potential success at life. I know you just want the best for him, but you're setting up a situation where to him it feels like his standing in the family and your love for him is based on whether or not he succeeds at tennis.

He's intentionally pulling away from that and you're failing his test by showing that your love is indeed conditional based on his success at tennis. This is hard to do, but there are good resources online to help yourself separate from all that as a parent- I like Coach Rebecca from Complete Performance and Coach Bre. Both have some good articles to help you unwind where you are with a sport vs. where your kid is.

I believe there are two weeks of tennis left. We are not planning to sign him up.

I asked about our summer and at this point, he doesn’t want to do anything. He said he would like to take some friends to our beach house.

You're not listening to him.

He told you exactly what he wants to do this summer: bum around and chill with friends. Which, at 13/14 is perfectly normal, acceptable and healthy

I don't think it's that normal. He sounds depressed. I'd absolutely make the beach house with friends happen, but I'd also tell him to pick a sleep away camp and to go unplug for a few weeks. Something about his current situation isn't feeling good and it's stressing you both out. Suggest going to a camp and see what he says. (It could be a sports camp or a nature camp or whatever topic he wants to try.)

You are responding to the threats your mind has created such as:

If he quits sports he'll become a couch potato/not have good activities for college/lose friends.

If he is late to school he'll never be responsible.

If he skips the recital he won't have a good relationship with his sister or we won't be a close family, etc.

You need to rewrite those stories into something less threatening to you. Like if he skips school today, he can catch up on his project, period. That's it. It's not determining his whole future.

That's just an example; you can make school mandatory but I might not have in that situation. In a similar situation, I let my child go late to school, which is not something I ever could have pictured doing a few years ago, but what it did was make them feel heard when they were struggling and they've gone to school on time since. Nothing catastrophic happened. I think we tend to go to the worst case scenario. It can be very helpful to tell yourself the neutral scenario (this is simply one missed day).

I would talk to the guidance counselor to see if your son’s teachers have seen a big change in him. Do you also look at his phone—this is mainly to set your mind at ease over the drug stuff. Do you have discussions about upcoming vacations? Maybe you should all stay home this summer and have a big yard project. Maybe your son needs a job this summer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to know what’s going on here. You are low on details and you seem very reactive, like everything the kid does is a personal insult to you.

It could just be puberty and being over scheduled (you mention 3 sports, 20 birthday parties, etc). Or there could be something actually wrong, but you need to step back and be objective and figure it out.

This is a kid who used to be a go go go kid. On any given weekend, he could have a sports game and birthday party and beg to have friends over. Or he would come home after sports, jump on fort nite and a group of friends would plan to go to Johnny’s house. This was the norm in our house ever since age 8. We were often the hang out house. In upper elementary, it would not be uncommon for this kid to have friends over 3-4x per week. We often would carpool to sports and other activities and kids would come to our house before or after.

He isn’t 8 any more, he doesn’t want to be on the go all the time. You are overscheduling him. Back off the sports and stuff. Non-negotiable is going to school and on the family vacation (but don’t over schedule vacation.)

Up to age 13, he and his friends would hang out often. He only turned 13 2 months ago. He is not over scheduled at all. He quit soccer. He quit his instrument. He does zero academic activities. He even stopped playing video games.

I have to take him for a 13yr well visit. I will schedule that and reach out to the guidance counselor.

Screams depression.

As previously suggested, chat with the counselor to get their perspective. A good counselor obtains feedback on the dynamics among the students and the teachers often have a sense of how things are going for students. After that, chat with the pediatrician.

Limit the screentime if you see this as a contributor, listen without judgment (hard to do, I know) ie write down what he says and don't respond in the moment but come back to it when you and he are both calm, and ask what he has enjoyed about this year. The latter may help you get to what he might want to explore on his own.

The social dynamics of middle school are a landmine. Being and maintaining popularity becomes prevalent in middle school, and kids are cruel to one another. When I stopped judging and listened as well as simply acknowledged when things sucked, seemed unfair, and/or likely hurt, I got a lot farther with my tween. Most important, I have seen my tween be able to deal more effectively with toxic personalities at school.

Retreating may make some sense but being part of your family comes with expectations and responsibilities. Vacation, chores, and showing up for one another's big events are non-negotiable though. Reinforce that you expect your child to go to school, put forth effort, and learn. If they need help, you are there.

As for vacations, involve him in the planning. Getting some buy-in on the front end sounds like it could be helpful.

When middle school life starts spiraling for them, tweens and teens seek ways to exert control over parts of their lives and defiance also comes into play. I hope that getting more information from professionals, trying to hear his perspective a bit more, laying out the non-negotiables and having him outline what he does care about helps.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with everyone's comments on the academic stuff and concerns about bullying.

But I need to add something as a parent of an athlete who has made plenty of mistakes myself: you need to let tennis go. Saying you won't let him forfeit and DH yelled at him after a match that he won? This is crazy. You are putting so much pressure on him to be a tennis player. It doesn't matter how good he is. He does not want to be a tennis player and he is telling you so. Let it go. You are choosing his potential success at tennis over your relationship with him and his potential success at life. I know you just want the best for him, but you're setting up a situation where to him it feels like his standing in the family and your love for him is based on whether or not he succeeds at tennis.

He's intentionally pulling away from that and you're failing his test by showing that your love is indeed conditional based on his success at tennis. This is hard to do, but there are good resources online to help yourself separate from all that as a parent- I like Coach Rebecca from Complete Performance and Coach Bre. Both have some good articles to help you unwind where you are with a sport vs. where your kid is.

I believe there are two weeks of tennis left. We are not planning to sign him up.

I asked about our summer and at this point, he doesn’t want to do anything. He said he would like to take some friends to our beach house.

You're not listening to him.

He told you exactly what he wants to do this summer: bum around and chill with friends. Which, at 13/14 is perfectly normal, acceptable and healthy

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son struggled a lot in 6th grade and some in 7th grade. Ours looked more like just a lot of outbursts and emotional highs and lows and some sneaking around and lying and bad choices. Think of the social effort it takes them to be in middle school all day. That age is brutal. What you are describing sounds fairly extreme though. School refusal and not wanting to go on family vacations is extreme.

I don't see anywhere if you've just...talked to him. Not from a place of accusation or consequences or why won't you or why are you but genuinely hey are you ok. These are some patterns I'm seeing in your emotions and behavior. We love you and support you, how can we help. You really need to stress to him that your number one priority is not whether he continues golf or tennis but his well being. Your family and home should be his safe space because it sounds like school is pretty stressful for him on some level. Offer him a therapist. I got my son a therapist in 6th grade and it really helped him.

The not wanting to go to school was the first time today. I’m hoping it is not a pattern. I think he is really testing us to see how much he can get away with like refusing to go on the family vacation.

He cursed at me the other day and DH let him have it. DH never yells and he has yelled at him several times over the past few weeks including after a tennis match that he won. I don’t think Dh has ever yelled at any of our kids over sports.

OP, you're not really responding to things people are saying to you, which I find kind of odd.

Your kid is hurting and you don't seem terribly interested in figuring out what's going on. You just want to make him stop. Yelling at him and seeing how far he pushes your boundaries and waiting to see what happens next is probably not going to give you the results you're hoping for.