Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here (there was a previous "OP" with a flip response - not me)

wasn't expecting quite the lengthy thread. Thanks for the serious replies.

The irony in all of this is that I brought up this topic to improve our relationship for the long run. Let me explain. I'm not a perfect husband. I've given her the silent treatment on occasions over the years as has she. Our communication in general needs improvement. Maybe some counseling. Recently i've been opening up about various things to mixed/surprised reactions from her. I love her dearly and I believe she loves me. We have our health, awesome kids, financial stability, and generally a great life. I'm not looking to blow it up. On the contrary, I wanted to pull the band aid on something that has been on my mind for quite a while. It may be (and i hope it is) perfectly innocent. Great! But as her husband I want her to know how i've been perceiving all of this.
One pp noted that in a healthy relationship, both spouses have a right to discuss their concerns, suspicions, etc openly. 100% pp. 100%.

To be clear, I did NOT accuse her of any wrong doing and made it very clear to her that I was not doing so when we talked. I stated my observations and thoughts that are a culmination of multiple years of experiences. We're in the midwest, so it could be a cultural thing? (we're both transplants here) I truly don't know if anything has transpired and I may never know. What I do know with near certainty is that others in our neighbor group have noted and they likely noted years ago. I can read a room.

As soon as Ryan's name left my lips I could see her tense up and flush. She wasn't surprised so much about the topic more so than the timing. Why not a few yrs ago during the "gym" years - which could have been construed as inappropriate? She made clear nothing went on between them. Fine. But i've cleared the air and she's upset. I can see from her perspective how insulting this might be. But my feelings are valid too and I don't regret bringing it up. It's been 2 days. I'll give her space and see what she has to say when she's ready.

Have you said the bold to her? Acknowledged that you "see from her perspective how insulting this might be"? You should.

Have you tried to answer her question about why you're doing all this now, and not a few years ago -- years, OP! -- when she saw him regularly to exercise? She has a good point. Have you had suspicions that festered all these years? That may be why she's so monumentally pi$$3d; she may think that the last several years have been you, putting up a front and watching her every interaction like a hawk. You claim you didn't have suspicions then and I'm not hearing any concrete reasons for real red flags now, OP. She may feel blindsided and may be wondering if you've been spying on her in other ways over time. I'd start to doubt everything that had happened over the recent years after this, in her shoes.

So you need to talk to her again. And saying "Well, we're in silent treatment mode, so there's no point in trying to talk to her now!" is frankly cowardly on your part. (And yes, I also think that the silent treatment is immature on HER part, for sure, but one of you has to be the bigger person to start working on this. Let it be you. If you insist it be her, well, you and she both have MUCH larger problems of intransigent stubbornness.)

You admit that you have communication issues already. You and she need an objective third party like a therapist or counselor to hash this out or the mistrust between you over this mess is going to fester and will always be there. Great recipe for an eventual breakup. Sitting back and saying "I'll see what she has to say" is letting things stew, OP. Don't let it stew. You should apologize to her, tell her you haven't been spying on or perseverating about this for years (have you--?) and point out what is good in your relationship, then say you recognize you blindsided her with this. It's fine to say you felt you had to articulate your concerns, OP! But you need to pair that with recognition of her feelings of being blindsided and accused by you.

Then get outside help.

This is all good advice. Hopefully she will apologize, too. It certainly sounds like it was an inappropriate relationship given her reaction. Regardless, she should at least acknowledge your feelings about it and show some understanding.

Speaking as someone who was cheated on, so take that into account: I interpret your wife's reaction as meaning she had/has feelings for this guy but nothing happened or something almost happened and one or both of them put a stop to it. I am having trouble believing her anger and hurt is about you bringing this up. It feels like she's trying to shift the blame back to you. I don't think you mentioned, did you tell her you looked at her texts?

Anonymous wrote:OP here (there was a previous "OP" with a flip response - not me)

wasn't expecting quite the lengthy thread. Thanks for the serious replies.

The irony in all of this is that I brought up this topic to improve our relationship for the long run. Let me explain. I'm not a perfect husband. I've given her the silent treatment on occasions over the years as has she. Our communication in general needs improvement. Maybe some counseling. Recently i've been opening up about various things to mixed/surprised reactions from her. I love her dearly and I believe she loves me. We have our health, awesome kids, financial stability, and generally a great life. I'm not looking to blow it up. On the contrary, I wanted to pull the band aid on something that has been on my mind for quite a while. It may be (and i hope it is) perfectly innocent. Great! But as her husband I want her to know how i've been perceiving all of this.
One pp noted that in a healthy relationship, both spouses have a right to discuss their concerns, suspicions, etc openly. 100% pp. 100%.

To be clear, I did NOT accuse her of any wrong doing and made it very clear to her that I was not doing so when we talked. I stated my observations and thoughts that are a culmination of multiple years of experiences. We're in the midwest, so it could be a cultural thing? (we're both transplants here) I truly don't know if anything has transpired and I may never know. What I do know with near certainty is that others in our neighbor group have noted and they likely noted years ago. I can read a room.

As soon as Ryan's name left my lips I could see her tense up and flush. She wasn't surprised so much about the topic more so than the timing. Why not a few yrs ago during the "gym" years - which could have been construed as inappropriate? She made clear nothing went on between them. Fine. But i've cleared the air and she's upset. I can see from her perspective how insulting this might be. But my feelings are valid too and I don't regret bringing it up. It's been 2 days. I'll give her space and see what she has to say when she's ready.

Have you said the bold to her? Acknowledged that you "see from her perspective how insulting this might be"? You should.

Have you tried to answer her question about why you're doing all this now, and not a few years ago -- years, OP! -- when she saw him regularly to exercise? She has a good point. Have you had suspicions that festered all these years? That may be why she's so monumentally pi$$3d; she may think that the last several years have been you, putting up a front and watching her every interaction like a hawk. You claim you didn't have suspicions then and I'm not hearing any concrete reasons for real red flags now, OP. She may feel blindsided and may be wondering if you've been spying on her in other ways over time. I'd start to doubt everything that had happened over the recent years after this, in her shoes.

So you need to talk to her again. And saying "Well, we're in silent treatment mode, so there's no point in trying to talk to her now!" is frankly cowardly on your part. (And yes, I also think that the silent treatment is immature on HER part, for sure, but one of you has to be the bigger person to start working on this. Let it be you. If you insist it be her, well, you and she both have MUCH larger problems of intransigent stubbornness.)

You admit that you have communication issues already. You and she need an objective third party like a therapist or counselor to hash this out or the mistrust between you over this mess is going to fester and will always be there. Great recipe for an eventual breakup. Sitting back and saying "I'll see what she has to say" is letting things stew, OP. Don't let it stew. You should apologize to her, tell her you haven't been spying on or perseverating about this for years (have you--?) and point out what is good in your relationship, then say you recognize you blindsided her with this. It's fine to say you felt you had to articulate your concerns, OP! But you need to pair that with recognition of her feelings of being blindsided and accused by you.

Then get outside help.

Anonymous wrote:Dude you are an idiot. These dcum women are setting you up.

Your SAH wife was “working out” with this dude who WFH and is her BF.

There’s zero chance this guy has not been working her out better than you can.

NP. This kind of thinking, above, is by someone who believes all men will go after sex at every possible opportunity, and view women based mostly if not entirely on whether those women would be up for sex with them.

It's immature at best, toxic at worst. People like this PP are incapable of having friendships which aren't, in the backs of their tiny self-centered brains, just fronts for getting sex if the slightest opportunity arises. So they can't understand that some men can spend time with women without having to f*** them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters cheat, non-cheaters don't cheat

Is your wife character... a cheater or not.

That is your answer.

I think this is largely true HOWEVER, I wouldn’t be so sure that we are not all capable of it under the “right” circumstances. Ie my husband is not a cheater but it’s not totally impossible that one day in a particular situation, he might not be tempted beyond his own expectations.

No that's not how it works. If you think that, you are a cheater who has been really good at not cheating. Congrats to you.

Non-cheaters... just never enters the realm of possibility.

Agree with this. Huge opportunities and propositions my entire life—never succumbed —54 now. Unfortunately, spouse had a cheater dad and after swearing he saw what it did he’d never do it—had an affair 18 years in (even with lots of sex, happy at home- but midlife depression).

I’m in a similar situation. Married for decades and had countless opportunities to cheat but never did.

One friend crossed an emotional boundary with me and I drew a line with as much empathy as I could. We are still friends but rarely text. If DH wanted to read our texts I wouldn’t care at all.

I don’t think H has ever cheated but I don’t have proof. Or I should say I have as much proof as I can get. For now.

I see every year that he doesn’t trade me in for a new model (like a car) as a gift.

I find this statement incredibly peculiar. Is there something extraordinarily appealing about this man that beautiful young women are just throwing themselves at him and he has a sure bet to upgrade from you? Also, where are these men? Why don’t I ever see them?

I am married. My husband is tall, employed, and has a lovely smile, but I can’t bring myself to believe he could easily “upgrade.” He is very much a pudgy middle aged balding man in a world FULL of pudgy middle aged balding men.

I don’t want to hijack this thread but I will say that the reason I feel this way has absolutely nothing to do with anyone’s appearance or even income.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm I have a similar relationship with our male neighbor. We also share a common interest that neither of our spouses do so we've done things surrounding that together, sometimes with our sons who are starting to share the interest too. Nothing else is going on. There is no emotional affair, there is no desire to sleep with him. We may sit next to each other but we don't converse with just each other. I don't know if DH has ever read the texts. If he has, I'm fine with it. They don't vary much from the texts I have with other people with that interest.

I know people won't believe me, I just don't see him that way.

I totally agree. I used to have a male friend who I did lots of things with, texted, talked on the phone, visited him at his house, worked with him, played on a softball team with him, got rides with him or him with me, I could go on and on. We were both married and we never crossed any lines including no flirting. I found him attractive and guess he probably did me too but neither of us was interested in blowing up our marriages so we were just friends. If my husband had questioned this relationship I would have been pretty upset.

This is interesting…curious if either or both had an extended rough patch in your respective marriages if things would change. Even if no physical affair…maybe a slide into an emotional affair?

Dude you are an idiot. These dcum women are setting you up.

Your SAH wife was “working out” with this dude who WFH and is her BF.

There’s zero chance this guy has not been working her out better than you can.

Sounds like something insecure in you, which is why you have this feeling just now and not years ago. What happened? Practice self reflection and meditation.

OP here (there was a previous "OP" with a flip response - not me)

wasn't expecting quite the lengthy thread. Thanks for the serious replies.

The irony in all of this is that I brought up this topic to improve our relationship for the long run. Let me explain. I'm not a perfect husband. I've given her the silent treatment on occasions over the years as has she. Our communication in general needs improvement. Maybe some counseling. Recently i've been opening up about various things to mixed/surprised reactions from her. I love her dearly and I believe she loves me. We have our health, awesome kids, financial stability, and generally a great life. I'm not looking to blow it up. On the contrary, I wanted to pull the band aid on something that has been on my mind for quite a while. It may be (and i hope it is) perfectly innocent. Great! But as her husband I want her to know how i've been perceiving all of this.
One pp noted that in a healthy relationship, both spouses have a right to discuss their concerns, suspicions, etc openly. 100% pp. 100%.

To be clear, I did NOT accuse her of any wrong doing and made it very clear to her that I was not doing so when we talked. I stated my observations and thoughts that are a culmination of multiple years of experiences. We're in the midwest, so it could be a cultural thing? (we're both transplants here) I truly don't know if anything has transpired and I may never know. What I do know with near certainty is that others in our neighbor group have noted and they likely noted years ago. I can read a room.

As soon as Ryan's name left my lips I could see her tense up and flush. She wasn't surprised so much about the topic more so than the timing. Why not a few yrs ago during the "gym" years - which could have been construed as inappropriate? She made clear nothing went on between them. Fine. But i've cleared the air and she's upset. I can see from her perspective how insulting this might be. But my feelings are valid too and I don't regret bringing it up. It's been 2 days. I'll give her space and see what she has to say when she's ready.

Anonymous wrote:They would not sit next to each other if anything was going on.

Exactly.

Sigh. You just made a crucial mistake by talking to her about your suspicions, OP. Now she's going to feel super awkward about her interactions with her friend.

The minute you see nothing untoward in the text chains, that's when you need to back off. It's not like your wife has a burner phone. She has a friendly relationship, out in the open, with a male neighbor. She would never sit next to him if she was having an affair with him.

My husband has checked my phone to go through my texts with a male friend, because he was suddenly uncomfortable I'd gone to the movies with him. Our texts are food and kid related. He's welcome to reading all of them, and search my phone for pics!

So back off to minimize the damage.

I have never cheated nor do I expect to. I was shocked at one period of time by how tempted I felt, but it had way more to do with how badly my marriage was going than a specific situation with another person. I think if your marriage is strong you are ok. But the silent treatment is not good and the snooping is not good. Maybe you guys need marriage counseling to deal with your relationship separate from the neighbor

Anonymous wrote:Strike up a friendship with the neighbor's wife

This is the best revenge. Unfortunately you would probably be a downgrade from the sound of it so unlikely you would succeed.

You know it's inappropriate. Don't let the desperate wives of dcum gaslight you

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm I have a similar relationship with our male neighbor. We also share a common interest that neither of our spouses do so we've done things surrounding that together, sometimes with our sons who are starting to share the interest too. Nothing else is going on. There is no emotional affair, there is no desire to sleep with him. We may sit next to each other but we don't converse with just each other. I don't know if DH has ever read the texts. If he has, I'm fine with it. They don't vary much from the texts I have with other people with that interest.

I know people won't believe me, I just don't see him that way.

I totally agree. I used to have a male friend who I did lots of things with, texted, talked on the phone, visited him at his house, worked with him, played on a softball team with him, got rides with him or him with me, I could go on and on. We were both married and we never crossed any lines including no flirting. I found him attractive and guess he probably did me too but neither of us was interested in blowing up our marriages so we were just friends. If my husband had questioned this relationship I would have been pretty upset.

Interesting

Strike up a friendship with the neighbor's wife