OP you remind me of my sibling. They established a codependent relationship early on which resulted in a very unhealthy parent child dynamic. My sibling relied on my parent to fund their lifestyle choices and my parent relied on my sibling to make choices for them and provide companionship. Once my parent needed more than the sibling was willing to do, and the financial resources became limited, my sibling decided everyone else should do more. My sibling also wanted to have “conversations”, but these conversations were simply them dictating to everyone else and deciding that their way was best and everyone else should fall in line. Never mind that we didn’t agree with the decisions that were already made or that we all voiced our concerns for years, but those concerns fell on deaf ears. What I am saying OP is that you may want to consider if you really want your brother’s help or if you simply want him under your control like your mother.

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. This is helpful advice for me: do not have an idealistic expectation that brother will agree to a master list and a perpetual commitment to take on tasks x, y and z. Do not expect a cathartic talk. Discuss specific needs. I will just need to be careful not to become the default “manager”. Thanks very much for this, sincerely.

Many of you got stuck on what a “typical” 68 year old should be able to do. That line of commenting was neither sought nor helpful.

Your brother is already signaling he has the opinion that many of us have: you are enabling her helplessness.

You have taken on the manager role already, managing her imaginary “needs.” You can back out slowly but that is going to be messy. You created this problem, though, so you have to deal with it.