Anonymous wrote:I’m glad I’m reading this. The reverse kind of happens here… I (the wife) might have ADHD… my DH complains to me about me not pulling my weight all the time and I SWEAR I do with three young kids. But when I’m burnt, I’m so burnt. There’s so much in the house to do. I’m great at work and generally “on it” (it’s slipped a bit since having kids but now that I’m getting more sleep my work mojo is coming back).
This is really eye opening and I feel so awful.

Get tested and diagnosed as applicable and if you have ADHD, then get medication.

I’m glad I’m reading this. The reverse kind of happens here… I (the wife) might have ADHD… my DH complains to me about me not pulling my weight all the time and I SWEAR I do with three young kids. But when I’m burnt, I’m so burnt. There’s so much in the house to do. I’m great at work and generally “on it” (it’s slipped a bit since having kids but now that I’m getting more sleep my work mojo is coming back).
This is really eye opening and I feel so awful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To everyone saying, it's ADHD ... it very well may not be.

My DH is the same SOMETIMES. If it's something I think needs to be done or if it's something he's ambivalent about. Like, making travel plans for the family takes nagging and months. Making travel plans for himself for a boys weekend ... NP.

Note, he has many redeeming features and we talk about it, are working on it, blah blah. I'm just saying ... it's not always a disorder.

As was already discussed in this thread, people with ADHD hyperfocus on the things that are interesting to them. So what you describe is a perfect example of that.

How convenient!

Didn’t pay the bills or parent my kid, but my hyperfocus on gaming was well taken care of. Win win!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like ADHD. It doesn't get better. Please do not have children with this man and get out of this marriage.

You don’t need to divorce over ADHD.

Np. Depends how much chaos the chronic untreated ADHD person is generating. And what other maladaptive coping methods (anger, blame, deflection) or comorbid disorders (asd, bipolar, borderline, schitzo) there are.

Anonymous wrote:To everyone saying, it's ADHD ... it very well may not be.

My DH is the same SOMETIMES. If it's something I think needs to be done or if it's something he's ambivalent about. Like, making travel plans for the family takes nagging and months. Making travel plans for himself for a boys weekend ... NP.

Note, he has many redeeming features and we talk about it, are working on it, blah blah. I'm just saying ... it's not always a disorder.

As was already discussed in this thread, people with ADHD hyperfocus on the things that are interesting to them. So what you describe is a perfect example of that.

My DH is like this. Doesn’t want to do anything around the house - cleaning, repair, improvement, purchases. Runs a mid sized company but income is not high. Doesn’t clean his clothes, doesn’t shower daily. No interest in managing anything related to finances, taxes, bills. Willing to hear about what’s going on with the kids and will swoop in occasionally to give them his pearl of wisdom. But doesn’t really know them or do anything for them.

I’m trying to push back, and get the kids to ask him to do more for them (they are HS and college). But he doesn’t do things in a timely manner, even for the kids. We are separated now.

To everyone saying, it's ADHD ... it very well may not be.

My DH is the same SOMETIMES. If it's something I think needs to be done or if it's something he's ambivalent about. Like, making travel plans for the family takes nagging and months. Making travel plans for himself for a boys weekend ... NP.

Note, he has many redeeming features and we talk about it, are working on it, blah blah. I'm just saying ... it's not always a disorder.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very similar which is why I take over everything. We had our kitchen remodeled and he made zero of the decisions, he got to relax and be surprised by his new kitchen. Does he not trust you to make these decisions? I feel like the reason my husband married me was so I could take over his life; he truly seems to love it.
But it does bother me and the only way to get him to take anything over is with some sexual flirting i.e. "you book (insert appointment here) and I'll be so thrilled I'll make it worth your while tonight" or plan the meal or whatever. Nagging does not work at all.

So your solution is just do everything yourself or treat your DH like he's a child?

This board is so interesting. Why get married if you have to do it all AND bribe your partner with sex just to get some reciprocity?

I live my life as I want and he's along for the ride. I married him because I like his company, he adores me, and we are very compatible physically. What else is there? Some of you are so transactional.

Personally, I wouldn't respect someone that I had to manage.

DP but yeah, not managing my husband and just doing everything myself was 100% about being able to respect him. When he was my terrible coworker I really hated him. I’ve had to make a lot of adjustments to how much life stuff we can take on, because we are absolutely not one of those couples who pulls together. We’re just not. But it’s kind of okay and definitely better than when I was always trying to change him.

I just don’t count on my DH to do anything that’s important to me except occasionally keep our kid alive for a few hours.

lol I wish that were hyperbole

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very similar which is why I take over everything. We had our kitchen remodeled and he made zero of the decisions, he got to relax and be surprised by his new kitchen. Does he not trust you to make these decisions? I feel like the reason my husband married me was so I could take over his life; he truly seems to love it.
But it does bother me and the only way to get him to take anything over is with some sexual flirting i.e. "you book (insert appointment here) and I'll be so thrilled I'll make it worth your while tonight" or plan the meal or whatever. Nagging does not work at all.

So your solution is just do everything yourself or treat your DH like he's a child?

This board is so interesting. Why get married if you have to do it all AND bribe your partner with sex just to get some reciprocity?

I live my life as I want and he's along for the ride. I married him because I like his company, he adores me, and we are very compatible physically. What else is there? Some of you are so transactional.

Personally, I wouldn't respect someone that I had to manage.