I have a friend, she is cute and fun and athletic. She had a pretty flexible/low key career. She spent her late 20s-early 40s dating the same guy she felt lukewarm about. He wanted to marry her and have kids but she was never sure about him.

He dumped her when she was 41, and NOW a year later (at 42) all of the sudden the was the love of her life and she is full of despair mode and full of regret and wants babies (more than one!!) and still thinks that it’s going to happen and she will get back with her ex (he moved on quickly and it’s not going to happen). She’s also completely opposed to any kind of fertility treatment.

She is kind of confusing to me. I don’t really get it. To the point I struggle to be compassionate. But really I know I should stop being so judgmental. But I don’t get how she can be so….i don’t know, like, delusional?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So far: nothing. In know some and they haven't even had a serious relationship. They seem completely healthy and at peace. Nothing strange or wierd.

Spoiler: They are not actually completely healthy, at least mentally. And they are not happy. They are likely secretly boozing or popping pills to cope with the loneliness and sadness.

Nope, that's the unhappy, depressed married people in abusive or dysfunctional relationships.

Yes, spinsters and lifelong bachelors are the happiest people in the world. Those “normies” in happy marriages with adorable heirs are all secretly toxic. Totally.

You use that word like a dagger.

And it hurts.

Becoming barren hurts and then and spending 40s 50s 60s 70s alone with no kids or grandkids hurts. Regret hurts. No heirs hurts. Nobody at your bedside when you depart hurts.

Yeah, well, I hit the single mom by choice jackpot, so I’m good on that score.

Still, the name-calling was designed to sting and denigrate, and it did.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So far: nothing. In know some and they haven't even had a serious relationship. They seem completely healthy and at peace. Nothing strange or wierd.

Spoiler: They are not actually completely healthy, at least mentally. And they are not happy. They are likely secretly boozing or popping pills to cope with the loneliness and sadness.

Nope, that's the unhappy, depressed married people in abusive or dysfunctional relationships.

Yes, spinsters and lifelong bachelors are the happiest people in the world. Those “normies” in happy marriages with adorable heirs are all secretly toxic. Totally.

You use that word like a dagger.

And it hurts.

Becoming barren hurts and then and spending 40s 50s 60s 70s alone with no kids or grandkids hurts. Regret hurts. No heirs hurts. Nobody at your bedside when you depart hurts.

The one's I know still single (many) are black women unwilling to date outside their race in the northeast/this area.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So far: nothing. In know some and they haven't even had a serious relationship. They seem completely healthy and at peace. Nothing strange or wierd.

Spoiler: They are not actually completely healthy, at least mentally. And they are not happy. They are likely secretly boozing or popping pills to cope with the loneliness and sadness.

Nope, that's the unhappy, depressed married people in abusive or dysfunctional relationships.

Yes, spinsters and lifelong bachelors are the happiest people in the world. Those “normies” in happy marriages with adorable heirs are all secretly toxic. Totally.

You use that word like a dagger.

And it hurts.

They probably have an avoidant attachment style.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't get married until I was 49. I had no desire to, at all. I was having too much fun building my career and doing wonderful things.

I might still be unmarried but I had a nightmare that my boyfriend was in the hospital and I wasn't allowed to see him, because I wasn't family. I proposed to him that morning.

You can take care of this legally without getting married.

NP, you can do this without being married but it is way simpler and cheaper to just go to the justice of the peace and pay 50 bucks or whatever for a marriage license. You'll spend a ton more time and money wrangling with lawyers otherwise.

I got married like this after 15 years for these kind of practical reasons once we decided to have a kid plus a health scare where we wanted those rights. We were over 39 and technically single legally but not like, single single living together in a longterm relationship so maybe that's its own bucket?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So far: nothing. In know some and they haven't even had a serious relationship. They seem completely healthy and at peace. Nothing strange or wierd.

Spoiler: They are not actually completely healthy, at least mentally. And they are not happy. They are likely secretly boozing or popping pills to cope with the loneliness and sadness.

Nope, that's the unhappy, depressed married people in abusive or dysfunctional relationships.

Yes, spinsters and lifelong bachelors are the happiest people in the world. Those “normies” in happy marriages with adorable heirs are all secretly toxic. Totally.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So far: nothing. In know some and they haven't even had a serious relationship. They seem completely healthy and at peace. Nothing strange or wierd.

Spoiler: They are not actually completely healthy, at least mentally. And they are not happy. They are likely secretly boozing or popping pills to cope with the loneliness and sadness.

Nope, that's the unhappy, depressed married people in abusive or dysfunctional relationships.

Anonymous wrote:I'm 53 and never married. I did have opportunities but balked at all of them. My standards were not too high or picky - I just refused to take the load that so many women take in long term committed relationships. By that I mean the patently unfair distribution of household labor and childcare obligations and life management tasks. I especially had no desire to take on that subservient role in the face of ingratitude, inconsideration and often also infidelity.

I won't kid you, life as a single woman going it alone has often been hard. I have always had wonderful friends who buoyed me up, but I have often wondered if my life couldn't have been much easier and better with a man by my side.

But now that I'm in midlife I'm looking around at the failed marriages, the widows, the very unhappily married couples who are staying together for finances and out of habit and who look like people who spend all their time lonely and unhappy but yet spend most of their time in 'togetherness.'

I feel grateful for my occasional loneliness which is much easier to bear than that awful loneliness one can experience with someone else sitting right there in the same room.

This speaks to me. I'm about the age of this OP and am actually married with children now, but had a very independent life and successful career in my 20s and early 30s. In my case, I made a choice based on what I wanted and what aligned with my values. It sounds like this OP did exactly the same thing. The OP just had different values and made different choices than I did, which is perfectly okay and healthy!

For women, I think the big difference is that there comes a time when you think to yourself, is getting married and/or having children within the context of a married relationship something I'd definitely like to do, and if so, at what trade off? We know we have a biological clock, and we incorporate that knowledge into our choices. Successful women have choices.

For the posters saying it's mental illness... you're just wrong. It's actually very mentally healthy to know that marriage is not for you in general, or that you think you would be marrying the wrong person to it's better to pass, just as it's mentally healthy to know that you don't want to children and to not have them (rather than having unwanted children). I don't hear the content, single women posters saying they are anti-relationship, just that they'd like a relationship that is on their own terms. Again, a very healthy attitude.

Sure, mental illness or some other personality flaw leads some to stay single, but it is not the only reason may be a driver in a some, but not most cases. Also, there are many, many, many mentally ill and deeply flawed people who are (or were once) married.

Anonymous wrote:Of them? I know you people judge everyone so what is the first thing that pops in your mind when meeting someone like this?

Maybe they're having lots of sex, enjoying life, and want to keep it that way. Maybe they don't want kids and thus see no reason to get married and financially/legally tied to someone. Or, perhaps they were pursuing career interests, got busy and never tended to their personal life.

Anonymous wrote:Of them? I know you people judge everyone so what is the first thing that pops in your mind when meeting someone like this?

God, this thread shows what a bunch of judgmental, smug pricks are out there. Makes me sick.
I'm married but know lots in that demographic who aren't, or who married later.

They are not weird. Not ugly. Not unsuccessful. Nothing wrong with them.
It just didn't happen for them for a variety of reasons, none of them "bad."

Life happens. Sometimes the way you don't want. How about you just stuff your judgment? Because it's gross.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Undiagnosed and/or untreated mental illness.

Who knows, may be they are the only ones without any mental illnesses.

I actually think this is true. There was a PP upthread who talked about not putting up with anyone else's nonsense, because they were able to be content alone. This is far healthier than the people who move from relationship to relationship for fear of being alone. Sure there are married people who are doing great, but there are tons of people who made bad decisions just to be in a relationship. Look at all the threads on here about dysfunctional relationships.

Anonymous wrote:If it's a man, I'm guessing they may have an intense career or are working 24/7 and didn't have time for relationships. (this was the case for my husband, who was in his late 40s when I met him, just as he'd wrapped up a business venture, and was taking off time before his next venture..... knowing how hard he works now, we would have never met at all if it weren't for his being on break between companies)....

If it's a woman, in my experience, it is different...I know several super gorgeous women who never wanted to settle, got proposals from professional athletes, gorgeous smart fun men, and I think were so used to having their pick....that they waited too long...these ladies are still single and with unavailable men...

Of course, there are just some patterns/anecdotes.... there are many reasons one might single, a lot to do with luck and timing too.

I would NOT say single over 39 is a red flag....

Why can't women be "intensely" into their careers too? So, in other words, unmarried, older men are super success at their career, while unmarried, older women are just too picky... Sigh...

To this OP... did you get married over 35 yourself, or is there a big age gap between you and your DH? If the first, what was your reason?

Anonymous wrote:So far: nothing. In know some and they haven't even had a serious relationship. They seem completely healthy and at peace. Nothing strange or wierd.

Spoiler: They are not actually completely healthy, at least mentally. And they are not happy. They are likely secretly boozing or popping pills to cope with the loneliness and sadness.