Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IDK why people marry career first people, men or women, and are surprised that they wind up living with someone who puts their career first. ??

A lot of people start dating and get married before the big career takes off.

This. Also a frustrating surprise many spouses encounter in these professions is that work load and stress often peak at work at the same time they peak at home with kids. So the spouse winds up at home with 2 kids under school age while the doctor is finishing up residency or in a grueling fellowship. Or the spouse winds up feeling abandoned with young kids when the lawyer is being groomed for or making partner (which often requires a lot more travel and long hours as they take on more direct client handling or may be hustling to build their own book).

Back in the day they'd advise you to time kids to avoid this, but that's harder to do now because medical specialties and partnership both tend to take longer than they used to, plus people get married later. Also men the day are more likely to marry women close in age to them, as opposed to 5-8 years younger.

Though kids also make divorce less likely by making it both more expensive and less socially acceptable. IME doctors and lawyers tend to be more aware of and concerned about how their family/private life appears to the outside. So a lot of pressure to make it work even when it's hard.

Anonymous wrote:IDK why people marry career first people, men or women, and are surprised that they wind up living with someone who puts their career first. ??

A lot of people start dating and get married before the big career takes off.

IDK why people marry career first people, men or women, and are surprised that they wind up living with someone who puts their career first. ??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like, specifically. Is it just that they aren't around enough? Is it job stress? Is it disconnect from spouse due to intensity of job (like your work is the biggest thing in your life, and your spouse isn't a part of it)?

I'm looking at these divorced men I know in their 50s, but then I know all these men in the same careers but younger (still married, young kids, seems fine from outside) and wondering how they go from one to the other. Divorce is common enough with these careers that there must be some commonalities, but I can't figure what.

He continued to prioritize work and his office image and ego after marriage and after kids. He was an absentee husband and father. Even if physically home, he was working, on his smartphone, or “decompressing” by himself. He did not maintain any fatherly or close connections with his spouse or children. He took advantage of his spouse and others to do his role for him. He may have let out his work stress at home. Even if it angry like that, he had no relationships at home, thus they divorced him.

It’s lonely and insulting to live with someone like that.

+ 1

Guy gets inflated ego at work and gets used to everyone telling him he is so wonderful. Does not like coming home and doing the work in a give and take, 50-50 relationship.

I am well paid, in finance and still good looking/fit at 50. I get hit on a lot. So there is opportunity. There is also the impact of being the top of your field/company. You get treated differently. Then you come home and you are just a husband with normal wife/kid stresses. I had a few affairs in my 40s but realised that by leaving my wife I would just be moving from one similar situation to another and creating a lot of problems for my kids. Now I am a bit older I’m glad I didn’t leave her during that time. Now kids are older we are having fun again. She is more relaxed and I feel very lucky.

Anonymous wrote:Who has time to cheat?

Men will always find the time for "strange."

Who has time to cheat?

Divorce rates are probably very low and the tolerance for cheating is very high for a number of reasons, hence, the low divorce rate.

Anonymous wrote:Cheating, especially if it is serial or made public. Also, if a spouse who has been cheated recognizes that between asset split, alimony, and child support, they'll still have a nice lifestyle even after a divorce, then it's easier to leave. Also, they may have neglected their marriage and family for a long time, so a divorce doesn't feel like a big loss when weighing options.

This is my scenario. Husband was very publicly caught cheating which really hurt his reputation. He had been an absentee husband and father for years and I tried literally everything to make the marriage better. I’m getting plenty of money and the family home so in many ways my life will be better without him in it than it had been the last few years.

Cheating, especially if it is serial or made public. Also, if a spouse who has been cheated recognizes that between asset split, alimony, and child support, they'll still have a nice lifestyle even after a divorce, then it's easier to leave. Also, they may have neglected their marriage and family for a long time, so a divorce doesn't feel like a big loss when weighing options.

Anonymous wrote:Like, specifically. Is it just that they aren't around enough? Is it job stress? Is it disconnect from spouse due to intensity of job (like your work is the biggest thing in your life, and your spouse isn't a part of it)?

I'm looking at these divorced men I know in their 50s, but then I know all these men in the same careers but younger (still married, young kids, seems fine from outside) and wondering how they go from one to the other. Divorce is common enough with these careers that there must be some commonalities, but I can't figure what.

He continued to prioritize work and his office image and ego after marriage and after kids. He was an absentee husband and father. Even if physically home, he was working, on his smartphone, or “decompressing” by himself. He did not maintain any fatherly or close connections with his spouse or children. He took advantage of his spouse and others to do his role for him. He may have let out his work stress at home. Even if it angry like that, he had no relationships at home, thus they divorced him.

It’s lonely and insulting to live with someone like that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to someone in this position and while we’re not divorced, the job stress that DH brings home has made living with him very difficult at times. Now multiply that over the course of decades and you’re left married to someone who is a shadow of who you met and isn’t all that pleasant to be around.

+1

+2, no affairs, just miserable people

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to someone in this position and while we’re not divorced, the job stress that DH brings home has made living with him very difficult at times. Now multiply that over the course of decades and you’re left married to someone who is a shadow of who you met and isn’t all that pleasant to be around.

+1

Anonymous wrote:It takes a big ego to succeed in these jobs and a lot of face time. Often the woman does not like taking a back seat to their careers.

Big egos at office and lots of energy to keep up persona - not much energy left for spouse at home.

Also spouse gets used to not having them around that when they start to be around a lot it is too late. Spouse has already started to create their own life as that is what they are used to.