Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

DP here, but PP, you really aren't helping your child by constantly being there for them. They have to develop the skills in life to survive, and create a life of their own. I get if there are health issues, but you not wanting your child to struggle like you did is the very reason we are raising kids who don't know how to make it in life. And that creates entitlement and lack of self-worth.

This is also an attitude that results in zero generational wealth. Your belief that a hard life is required for self-worth may mean your grandkids won't be able to afford college or grad school or buy a home. It means that if they get really sick, they'll be burdened by medical bills and may not be able to make rent. Having a safety net for your kids and grandkids isn't creating entitlement, it means that they can live healthy, productive lives free of crushing debt.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And how long have you been doing it, how old are your kid(s), what did they study and how long do you intend to continue doing it?

Why do you want to know? Writing an article, a thesis or conducting research?

DP. Some posts express a sense of entitlement, and I wonder at what demographic that starts popping up. Also, my children are still young, which makes me anxious about carrying an even bigger load for them. I had assumed that I'd fully fund undergrad, and they could take it from there. It's all my parents did for me, and they have more than some of the posters on here who are helping their kids. Frankly, I want to ensure their undergrad is fully funded, retire early, and travel the world, but I'll probably get flanked for even sharing that thought.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about this as well. My son graduated last May from a top school and got a job paying $78K a year that he started in September. He's currently living at home to save some money. Lots of his co-workers (similar jobs, same experience) have apartments in Clarendon and Dupont. I just don't know how these kids afford it and still have a social life. My son, granted, is putting a lot of money away. He would really like to buy a condo vs. pay rent, but interest rates are too high right now. I do wonder how many of these kids with their own apartments are getting help from parents. We could easily afford to help him, but I'm not quite there with it. We would definitely help with a down payment on a condo though.

Condos tend to appreciate less and they have high HOA fees. Might not be wise to buy one.

Not necessarily and better to build equity then pay landlords mortgage.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

DP here, but PP, you really aren't helping your child by constantly being there for them. They have to develop the skills in life to survive, and create a life of their own. I get if there are health issues, but you not wanting your child to struggle like you did is the very reason we are raising kids who don't know how to make it in life. And that creates entitlement and lack of self-worth.

Really, really not. I can offer a much smoother transition for my child and there is nothing wrong with that.

Anonymous wrote:I have many friends whose parents helped in various ways (I’m in my 50’s) and they are all fine. They are all grown up and responsible. My parents couldn’t help me. I’m fine too. I don’t think helping kids is necessarily enabling them.

I think it's how they are helped, how often, do they lead lives that are dependent on parent's help.

I don't see any of this as black and white. There is plenty of nuance regarding when it makes sense to help our kids.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

Ding dong it's not suffering...it's called doing it on your own. Fly...be free. This is PP btw. The enabling culture of parents these days is crippling to kids.

There's a difference between helping out and totally enabling. I grew up poor, my parents couldn't help at all with college, grad school, weddings, downpayments, etc. I went into credit card debt (not much, about $3K) because I didn't have enough money to pay for a security deposit on my first apartment, pay dental bills, and buy clothes for my first office job. DH and I nearly divorced with our first child, who had medical issues as an infant. If my parents were able to help pay for college, housing, housekeeping, babysitters, really, anything, it would have helped so much. To add financial stress on top of an already stressful life does not have to be the cost of building character or independence or whatever. When I look at my sister, who married into a family with money, her life was much less stressful. They received a downpayment for their home, college was fully funded for the kids, and things like healthcare costs could be paid out of a trust. My sister and her husband aren't extravagant by any means, but they have so much less stress because her spouse's family was able to help out financially.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

DP here, but PP, you really aren't helping your child by constantly being there for them. They have to develop the skills in life to survive, and create a life of their own. I get if there are health issues, but you not wanting your child to struggle like you did is the very reason we are raising kids who don't know how to make it in life. And that creates entitlement and lack of self-worth.

Anonymous wrote:And how long have you been doing it, how old are your kid(s), what did they study and how long do you intend to continue doing it?

Why do you want to know? Writing an article, a thesis or conducting research?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

Ding dong it's not suffering...it's called doing it on your own. Fly...be free. This is PP btw. The enabling culture of parents these days is crippling to kids.

You can justify being nasty however you need in order to be able to sleep at night. I'll do whatever I want with my money and my kid will be better off for it.

I have many friends whose parents helped in various ways (I’m in my 50’s) and they are all fine. They are all grown up and responsible. My parents couldn’t help me. I’m fine too. I don’t think helping kids is necessarily enabling them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard for me to imagine being able to provide my kids with anything more than undergraduate education, which has been a stretch to save. How much money do you all have, and at what cost are you making these gifts?

There is a considerable demographic on DCUM that has significant wealth. Many are very helpful and forthcoming in financial matters.

There are plenty of others who struggle to make ends meet, or struggle to save money for undergrad ed.

Do we have a definition for considerable wealth?

Seems like 5mm+

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

Ding dong it's not suffering...it's called doing it on your own. Fly...be free. This is PP btw. The enabling culture of parents these days is crippling to kids.

Anonymous wrote:It's hard for me to imagine being able to provide my kids with anything more than undergraduate education, which has been a stretch to save. How much money do you all have, and at what cost are you making these gifts?

I am 15:40 above. We make about $300K per year at 45/47 or $15K a month after taxes. College is fully funded (and done for one kid) and our monthly expenses are about $8K a month. Retirement is projected to be well in excess of our needs. So that leaves $7K a month.

So we aren’t big earners (granted $300k is a healthy income) but we found that once we were done saving for college, and more importantly, our kids were in college so most of their expenses were covered by savings, we had a lot of left over money in comparison our lifestyle while they were at home. So while I agree most of these posters are probably very wealthy to begin with, you may be surprised how much excess income you have as an empty nester.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

Our DC26 is completely independent, no help from us.

DC2 is 23 and we pay for her cellphone and health insurance (on my employer plan). Nothing else. She earns $70K/year.