Anonymous wrote:Is he the type to defer in front of strangers? I’d cancel the second entree in front of his face with the waiter: “no need to bring that chicken, thanks.” If he says something: “Arnold, I think you should think about your health here.”

Depends. The time I canceled the entree (the best day of our trip) he said in a very wounded tone, “I was thinking about the table… the portions here are small.” At this point I was really at my wit’s end with him so I responded “everyone is fine with one entree. If you’re still hungry, there are other options such as getting a snack later.”

My husband says that he did try to get the waiter to put in the second entree when I left but he said no.

As to referencing his health, I’ve made a HUGE deal about his not mentioning weight and health because post partum he would regularly suggest diets for myself and my DH (our kid was premature and we spent a lot of time in the hospital eating trash and gaining weight). So I feel hypocritical bringing it up to him now.

He has an eating disorder, OP. Was he food-insecure growing up? Or had lots of siblings? I know you are seeing this primarily as a character flaw, greed and gluttony. But please believe me that it is an eating disorder.

He will not change, and you cannot change him. Either accept that this is how he is going to order or take him to prix-fixe places/buffets/etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's rude but some rich people want constant proof that people aren't after their money. Making you treat, and ordering a bizarre amount of food, while bragging about first class international flights - it all seems like a test to me.

I'd let DH say something if something has to be said, but I'd probably just suck it up. Not because he's not rude (yes, of course he is) but because it's infrequent. He lives across the country; call it a quirk and decide not to be bothered.

This is spot on.

+1 And you'll probably inherit his money when he passes, right? He can't take it with him. So try not to sweat the small stuff from an older family member you don't see very often.

[quote=Anonymous]Does he eat a lot at home too? [/quote]

Yes. Whenever he cooks though, I notice he carefully monitors everyone’s food. For instance he’ll put expensive cuts of meet next to his plate and put salads and bread by our plates. This irritates me now that I noticed it. He will carefully dole out a slice or two, and keep the plate by his plate. When I’ve tried to imitate this (I sound insufferably petty, I know) he will say “no I want the meat next to me so I can have as much as I want”. My husband will usually say “dad, remember you’re not eating alone!!”

My husband has said in the past “dad, you can’t get seconds and thirds until everyone is finished with their first”. One dark day FIL took one fourth of the pie I had made for himself. One fourth of a 9 inch pie pan!! My husband actually cut that in half and gave half to one of our children. He said “I don’t want the kids thinking that is remotely a reasonable slice”. FIL sulked for the rest of the day. I was secretly thrilled.

The true mystery here is how does he remain only chubby? I feel like I would turn into a walrus if I ate like him. DH thinks maybe he waits until we visit or he visits us to eat like a glutton.

Tell him BEFORE you go out: “Gary, you are free to order a drink, an appetizer, an entree and a dessert. We are happy to pay, but if you choose to order a second entree, be sure to tell the waiter to put it on a separate check. We don’t want our kids growing up thinking it’s OK to take advantage when others are treating them. We don’t want them to think it is normal for someone to order two entrees on top of tons of food and drink on someone else’s dime. It’s not OK, it’s rude.”

Is he the type to defer in front of strangers? I’d cancel the second entree in front of his face with the waiter: “no need to bring that chicken, thanks.” If he says something: “Arnold, I think you should think about your health here.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's gross behavior on his part but I can't imagine getting that worked up over having to pay an additional $20-40 for a second entree a few times a year. Like, are you that desperate for the less than $100?

I don't think going to a cheaper place will make a difference to you. You're annoyed and will be regardless of how expensive his order it.

It feels greedy and gluttonous to me. And I feel bad begrudging him good because he does seem somewhat happy when he gets his second entree.

Op

To answer you question, I don't think you are a "jerk" for being annoyed by his behavior, but I don't think it serves you in any helpful way. Going to a cheaper place will be just as annoying because you are irritated by what you feel is his greed and gluttony. Having meals at home may be also be just as annoying if/when he goes back for thirds and helps himself to another drink. Sounds like you should either just let it go or avoid dining with him altogether.

Does he eat a lot at home too?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Menu idea: Some kind of chicken with Cream of Chicken soup on top, baked potato and broccoli. Save your $$ for when you go out with your spouse.

Have you thought that maybe FiL is ordering a lot because the food at OP’s house isn’t good? This will make that worse. But he should still pay…

Maybe? But he eats everything my husband and I cook. We purposely make a lot more so he feels completely fed too. Either way two entrees is just too much.

Take him to a buffet.

Anonymous wrote:That is super rude. I would cook more at home when hosting him, or take him to buffets so you're paying a set price.

Buffet or prix fixe menu.

Anonymous wrote:I would absolutely stop taking him to nice restaurants (it’s seems you go out to eat with him a lot - which I don’t understand if it drives you and your DH crazy). He is rude and that would annoy the heck out of me, too.

Not sure if I was clear initially but since FIL lives so far Away from us he stays for at least a week, usually at least two if not more. When he’s around, because he doesn’t have many friends, my husband and I try to do things to make him happy. I know he doesn’t like going to restaurants alone, so we take him when he’s here. When we visit he usually has a list of places he wants to go. Of course, we always end up paying. I have no idea why he never offers to pay. This, if I’m honest, does annoy me. The icing on the cake is that he also orders two entrees. At least he is not ordering entrees to go!

Anonymous wrote:It's gross behavior on his part but I can't imagine getting that worked up over having to pay an additional $20-40 for a second entree a few times a year. Like, are you that desperate for the less than $100?

I don't think going to a cheaper place will make a difference to you. You're annoyed and will be regardless of how expensive his order it.

It feels greedy and gluttonous to me. And I feel bad begrudging him good because he does seem somewhat happy when he gets his second entree.

Op

Anonymous wrote:I’m just amazed by the amount of food, frankly. Maybe my unhealthy relationship with my body image is showing, but that seems like an excessive quantity of food.

Op here. This bothers me immensely as well. No adult needs two entrees, an appetizer and a dessert. Honestly, I don’t think he needs an appetizer and a dessert either, but that’s my opinion. None of us order appetizers other than FIL. It’s not just the money.

That is super rude. I would cook more at home when hosting him, or take him to buffets so you're paying a set price.