Anonymous
02/27/2024 18:43
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
Anonymous wrote:I would not have a third child by IVF. Naturally, sure. Otherwise, I would spend the money on the first two kids.
Op here. We already did ivf years ago. We have healthy embryos in storage.
Anonymous
02/27/2024 18:42
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don't think either partner should have ambivalence when it comes to making tiny humans in their image.
+1
And honestly, not just as a matter of respect for them. It's a practical issue too. You don't want to run into issues of partner's resentment or a partner being checked out when it's something as important (and permanent) as a child. It's possible that men especially are better fathers and partners when they wanted the child.
Op here. I agree that I don’t want to make this decision unilaterally. Just don’t like where that leaves me.
Anonymous
02/27/2024 18:06
Subject: Re:Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
I wouldn’t base the decision on the early years, that’s for sure. Think longer term. I always wanted three, and my husband didn’t have a preference on number. My kids are older now and it’s so fun.
Anonymous
02/27/2024 17:56
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
OP, it might be that you are working to create the family you always imaginesd, rather than accepting the family you have. Perhaps. You are trying for 2 ordinary children rather than accepting that your 2 current children will be ordinary-enough.
Anonymous
02/27/2024 17:27
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
What toll on your body will a third IVF take?
Anonymous
02/27/2024 16:01
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
I would not have a third child by IVF. Naturally, sure. Otherwise, I would spend the money on the first two kids.
Anonymous
02/27/2024 15:55
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would have said, "yes' but you mentioned SN. So, no. No more.
Op here. In a way, I actually think the SN makes me want another child more. We obviously have more challenges than a family raising two NT children. I hope my adhd child will be okay with time, intervention and maturity, and that his condition will be manageable to him as an adult. But in the case that it was (god forbid) always an issue, or in the event that a family has a child with more profound special needs, I am nervous about putting that experience on a lone sibling both growing up and in adulthood.
I had two close friends with very autistic siblings growing up and I know that, as an adult, there’s a particularly large burden on the one who has no other siblings. Of course it’s rolling the dice that the third child won’t be afflicted with profound special needs. I know it’s a difficult factor to consider, and I wish I didn’t have to think about this, but here we are.
It’s not the main reason I want a third child, but given the family I have, it’s become an unexpected consideration.
I’m not judging my husband for preferring to stop, but just not sure how to make this decision well- balancing my desires and his along with with what I think might be better for our family in the long run.
You think it's better "for your family in the long run" to burden two kids with your SN needs son? Wow. Why not just parent the children you have
Anonymous
02/27/2024 15:38
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
How much is this because of the stored embryos? We were lucky enough not to have fertility problems, so our potential third child was not being stored - it was more should we try or not.
I guess you have to make a decision about the future of the embryos, while we only needed to decide whether to follow birth control methods or not. Are you going to go through the same decision making process once you have had a third?
I guess you have to make a decision about the future of the embryos, while we only needed to decide whether to follow birth control methods or not. Are you going to go through the same decision making process once you have had a third?
Anonymous
02/27/2024 15:27
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
Anonymous wrote:I have friends who had a special needs child, then kept having more. They are all significantly impaired.
So you might be leaving two SN siblings for your daughter to be responsible for her whole life.
It seems unfair to make her responsible. What's to stop her leaving and living her own life as she pleases?
Anonymous
02/27/2024 15:26
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
Having any kids is not a rational decision for most in the 21st century. So it's not really a Q.
But thinking about how much you want this could be weighted agains the potential challenges. Would you still be totally financially secure?
Most telling to me is that even while small you have an ADD diagnosis -- that is going to be a lot more work (and probably money) down the line. If you are not prepared for that and another SN kid (or you DH might break in that situation), I'd take a hard look. This isn't rational though, so not sure what a forum can do for you. Good luck.
But thinking about how much you want this could be weighted agains the potential challenges. Would you still be totally financially secure?
Most telling to me is that even while small you have an ADD diagnosis -- that is going to be a lot more work (and probably money) down the line. If you are not prepared for that and another SN kid (or you DH might break in that situation), I'd take a hard look. This isn't rational though, so not sure what a forum can do for you. Good luck.
Anonymous
02/27/2024 15:20
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
Anonymous wrote:We have four children. I can't imagine not having any of them.
Sure, now that you have them. I can't imagine not having my two sons either.
But if I'd married someone else, or if my husband and I had had sex on a different day, or different hour, or different minute, they wouldn't exist.
Anonymous
02/27/2024 15:17
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
Anonymous wrote:Parenting is hard enough when everyone is on board. I personally would never have another child with someone who was just going through the motions to appease me.
Plan, I’ve seen plenty of sisters who absolutely do not get along. My assumptions about them having a certain type of relationship would not be something I’d consider at all in my decision making.
Yep, my relationship with my sister is terrible. I wouldn't do anything with her for fun.
Anonymous
02/27/2024 14:15
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
Anonymous wrote:I don't think either partner should have ambivalence when it comes to making tiny humans in their image.
+1
And honestly, not just as a matter of respect for them. It's a practical issue too. You don't want to run into issues of partner's resentment or a partner being checked out when it's something as important (and permanent) as a child. It's possible that men especially are better fathers and partners when they wanted the child.
Anonymous
02/27/2024 14:11
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
I think 2 kids is perfect. It is good for uber, plane seats, hotel room booking and restaurant promo (1 free kid meal for 1 adult entree purchase). My house has 3 bedrooms, so 1 bedroom for each kid. I have 2 kids, a boy and a girl. It is your choice, but I think it is perfect for 2 kids.
Anonymous
02/27/2024 09:05
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
I don't think either partner should have ambivalence when it comes to making tiny humans in their image.