Anonymous wrote:I'm glad I came across your post. Because I ranted about this exact same thing to my therapist last week. My sibling and their family moved across country ten years ago, most likely with a clear conscious because I was here for my parents. Now that my mother has cancer and my father has dementia, I am the one to drive them to all of their appointments and visit them on a regular basis. My sibling and his family visit once or twice a year, but that time is spent visiting and having fun, when really I could use their help with the maintenance of my parent's house. Everything is manageable now, but it will get more complicated/time consuming as my parents get older (they're currently 77). I'm single and have a ton of things I'd like to do with my life, but now I feel stuck. So freakin stuck.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have to decide what your limit is. You can ask your siblings for more help, but it sounds like they are not in a position to provide it AND you can't control what they do.

The realistic options are that your parents move into a facility with the level of care they need now, or you move out and let the chips fall where they may (this will likely lead to an emergency situation for one or both of your parents, but they are being obstinate in their unwillingness to accept help).

There's really nothing else you control that you can do, short of continuing to run yourself into the ground.

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP and everyone else,
Thank you for your experiences and opinions. My mother is about to go thru this and I'd been thinking about her setup and the siblings dynamics for a few years now. She's still spry but I'm getting ready to move near her once my youngest finishes high school next year. Spouse is not a issue as I ended my marriage over the prioritization of his family over mine (as in, my family didn't exist during my marriage).

We all have a different standard of care and no sibling will ever please another, nor the elderly parent. I DO think, however, that the sibling who invested most in elder care should get a larger portion of the estate (assuming there is a decent one). If the parent's interest are satisfied by this caregiver-child, shouldn't that child be given reciprocated care upon passing? Yes, OP, this means you.

Now, before anyone crows that I'm moving near my mom for her estate - she doesn't have much of an estate. I'm doing this mostly because I don't want to end up in a therapist's couch for the next 20 years of my life feeling guilty. I am in a position to be present for her so I don't see why I shouldn't.
There's a big part of me that empathizes with the OP, but there is another part of me that clearly sees the manipulation and selfishness of the parents driven by their fear, neediness and frailty. Nobody wins when it comes to elder care but we don't want to lose our humanity.

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP and everyone else,
Thank you for your experiences and opinions. My mother is about to go thru this and I'd been thinking about her setup and the siblings dynamics for a few years now. She's still spry but I'm getting ready to move near her once my youngest finishes high school next year. Spouse is not a issue as I ended my marriage over the prioritization of his family over mine (as in, my family didn't exist during my marriage).

We all have a different standard of care and no sibling will ever please another, nor the elderly parent. [b]I DO think, however, that the sibling who invested most in elder care should get a larger portion of the estate (assuming there is a decent one). If the parent's interest are satisfied by this caregiver-child, shouldn't that child be given reciprocated care upon passing? Yes, OP, this means you.

Now, before anyone crows that I'm moving near my mom for her estate - she doesn't have much of an estate. I'm doing this mostly because I don't want to end up in a therapist's couch for the next 20 years of my life feeling guilty. I am in a position to be present for her so I don't see why I shouldn't.
There's a big part of me that empathizes with the OP, but there is another part of me that clearly sees the manipulation and selfishness of the parents driven by their fear, neediness and frailty. Nobody wins when it comes to elder care but we don't want to lose our humanity.

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP and everyone else,
Thank you for your experiences and opinions. My mother is about to go thru this and I'd been thinking about her setup and the siblings dynamics for a few years now. She's still spry but I'm getting ready to move near her once my youngest finishes high school next year. Spouse is not a issue as I ended my marriage over the prioritization of his family over mine (as in, my family didn't exist during my marriage).

We all have a different standard of care and no sibling will ever please another, nor the elderly parent. I DO think, however, that the sibling who invested most in elder care should get a larger portion of the estate (assuming there is a decent one). If the parent's interest are satisfied by this caregiver-child, shouldn't that child be given reciprocated care upon passing? Yes, OP, this means you.

Now, before anyone crows that I'm moving near my mom for her estate - she doesn't have much of an estate. I'm doing this mostly because I don't want to end up in a therapist's couch for the next 20 years of my life feeling guilty. I am in a position to be present for her so I don't see why I shouldn't.
There's a big part of me that empathizes with the OP, but there is another part of me that clearly sees the manipulation and selfishness of the parents driven by their fear, neediness and frailty. Nobody wins when it comes to elder care but we don't want to lose our humanity.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you really need to step back and see the big picture. I started doing the same thing because it happens so gradually you just sort of get sucked in and all of sudden you realize your life is revolving around your parents instead of your spouse/partner and kids. After 4 months of going over every single day to my mother I was exhausted and cranky.

I went to the doctor and he realized my health had declined, my mood had declined, my blood pressure had never been elevated and it was higher, etc. He said he sees so many middle aged women who say they are just going to temporarily help their parents then a year goes by then its five years later and their physical and mental health has drastically deteriorated and no one ends up being happy - not even the elderly parents. He said just stop. Do whatever it takes to pull back and prioritize me, my spouse and kids.

So I did. You are missing out and ruining your relationship with your kids. You need to start thinking - your parents are a fall risk and have memory issues. So do millions of other seniors who live alone. Worst case scenario one parent falls and they call 911.

I had to learn how to lie, massively and unabashedly lie to my parents, siblings and elderly relatives in order to step back because once you are entrenched your siblings will become resentful when you pull back even though they haven't done anything to help.You end up looking worse when all you did was help out. So I invented I had Covid and took a break, then migraines, other health issues, busy at work/ work schedule changed, child care issues, issues with spouse, issues with home like need to be home due to plumbing issue, electrical issue, car trouble, etc. But in the end it worked. My mother had to start paying for help and a sibling has to manage that not me.

Whoa, so your mom had no problem with this? She expected you to be her help to the detriment of your health. I'm so sorry. Hope that your mood and health have improved.