Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same poster as above. I actually think you should have your friends over —all of the time. Entertain in your house. That’s what you love.
Just side line your roommate (or whatever). He doesn’t need to anything he doesn’t want to do. It’s voluntary.

Once you think of it that way, you can have fun in your own home, swap funny stories and unwind. All the things that bring you joy.

Well, real issue isn't pretending to be happy, but to be happy with each other.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP that said I'm in a similar situation -
Would you feel the same way about divorce if you knew the 50% of time the kids are with the other parent they may be getting belittled and verbally abused? Serious question. I don't want to take away their dad and fight for more custody but feel like I can somewhat shield them from abuse if I'm present. Or at least stop it while it's happening to them (even though that then turns into being accused of undermining).

I might gently offer that you are seeing the situation from your adult perspective and not really understanding how your children experience it. I would also offer that you seem conflicted about what is going on. You do not want to take away your children's time from their Dad. But in the same breath, you seem to imply that time with their Dad will come with more abuse if you are not present? So if Dad's custody time is filled with abuse, why wouldn't you fight to limit it? Although I have written earlier, as the kid who lived through this, I am not writing to suggest a particular outcome, but merely to note that you thinking on this issue may not yet be clear.

I’m a different poster, but you’re both under the illusion that it’s possible to fight and limit the dad’s time. Realistically it’s not. This type of verbal communication is terrible but comes nowhere near the threshold for reducing custody. You could throw your entire retirement account at trying to reduce his custody and still be back at 50/50 or worse — you could end up with less and be accused of parental alienation.

I think people are too quick to scream DIVORCE! But realistically, staying and managing the other parent can be a lot better. She can always divorce when the kids are older and she’s had time to prepare.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce the POS!

We have two young kids though

Anonymous wrote:Same poster as above. I actually think you should have your friends over —all of the time. Entertain in your house. That’s what you love.
Just side line your roommate (or whatever). He doesn’t need to anything he doesn’t want to do. It’s voluntary.

Once you think of it that way, you can have fun in your own home, swap funny stories and unwind. All the things that bring you joy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he an ass when you don't have guests? because yes he is being an ass

but you guys should be figuring out ahead of time who should be doing what and when.

why are you cooking zucchini when you have guests over?

have as much prepared before guests arrive as possible, then have a plan for who is in charge of what and when things will be put on the grill

Yes he is exactly the same when we don’t have guests

Examples are when we’ve had friends over who are couples (not a whole big party) and a big kitchen and terrace so cook while we hang out with them and chat

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he an ass when you don't have guests? because yes he is being an ass

but you guys should be figuring out ahead of time who should be doing what and when.

why are you cooking zucchini when you have guests over?

have as much prepared before guests arrive as possible, then have a plan for who is in charge of what and when things will be put on the grill

Is he a mail order groom, did you not know each other's weaknesses before you ordered a wedding cake?
Yes he is exactly the same when we don’t have guests

Examples are when we’ve had friends over who are couples (not a whole big party) and a big kitchen and terrace so cook while we hang out with them and chat

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't really call him out, because she knows he would explode. She is scared of him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, call him out on his BS.

My DH tried this because that is how his military dad talked to his (mostly) SAHM mom. FIL was an insecure, frustrated little man, and the ILs thought this was acceptable. Of course, the kids did, too, and a couple of them are equally insecure, frustrated and little. The MIL literally physically jumps for men, it is fascinating - if not positively sad, to see in action. [So, she is not one to choose the right side, and often pairs with whomever is more stubborn, as both MIL and FIL are stubborn.]

It is never acceptable for anyone to talk to you this way, especially your spouse. End that shyt, even if you have to do it in front of everyone else (like he does). He asked for it.

Call it out.

Nothing to discuss or argue about. Calling out and if he starts an argument call it out again and say it needs to stop.
Then walk away, with the kids.

Are you living in this century? Custody would be 50/50 now. That's what makes it so incredibly hard to leave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, call him out on his BS.

My DH tried this because that is how his military dad talked to his (mostly) SAHM mom. FIL was an insecure, frustrated little man, and the ILs thought this was acceptable. Of course, the kids did, too, and a couple of them are equally insecure, frustrated and little. The MIL literally physically jumps for men, it is fascinating - if not positively sad, to see in action. [So, she is not one to choose the right side, and often pairs with whomever is more stubborn, as both MIL and FIL are stubborn.]

It is never acceptable for anyone to talk to you this way, especially your spouse. End that shyt, even if you have to do it in front of everyone else (like he does). He asked for it.

Call it out.

Nothing to discuss or argue about. Calling out and if he starts an argument call it out again and say it needs to stop.
Then walk away, with the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP that said I'm in a similar situation -
Would you feel the same way about divorce if you knew the 50% of time the kids are with the other parent they may be getting belittled and verbally abused? Serious question. I don't want to take away their dad and fight for more custody but feel like I can somewhat shield them from abuse if I'm present. Or at least stop it while it's happening to them (even though that then turns into being accused of undermining).

I might gently offer that you are seeing the situation from your adult perspective and not really understanding how your children experience it. I would also offer that you seem conflicted about what is going on. You do not want to take away your children's time from their Dad. But in the same breath, you seem to imply that time with their Dad will come with more abuse if you are not present? So if Dad's custody time is filled with abuse, why wouldn't you fight to limit it? Although I have written earlier, as the kid who lived through this, I am not writing to suggest a particular outcome, but merely to note that you thinking on this issue may not yet be clear.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are embarrassed to have other people see how your DH actually treats you. The problem isn’t that other people see, the problem is the way he treats you.

When I started having people
over, that is when I noticed how my husband of 15 years treated me. I will never forget the remark one friend (male, spouse of another friend) made to me when I walked him to his car. Let’s just say, he noticed and was kind enough to say something to me.

You might be able to course correct

I was not able tix

what did he say????

Anonymous wrote:Op - I am in therapy, he is not. I think I will talk to him later and say we will have zero guests over together (he can do what he wants when I’m not there) until he gets therapy also.

I think we need marriage counseling too.

As for divorce - I just don’t think I can not have the kids 50% of the time. I’d rather go to extreme measures to control for their environment and make it as healthy as possible first