Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, clearly this is going to be a contrarian opinion, but I think parenting will be a lot easier if you accept that not everything is going to be exactly 50/50, not for all tasks and all the time. So what if you do one extra pick up a week, maybe he’ll cook dinner one extra night or take the baby for a few extra hours on a weekend or whatever. Flexibility and compromise is key in my opinion. Because there will be a time when you’ll need him to do two sick days in a row because you have some huge thing at work or whatever. Or maybe he gets a big project at work and for a time can’t do 50% of the pick up. I know my marriage wouldn’t have survived if we bean counted every single parenting thing.

Because this is a permanent inequity that allows the DH to advance his career and requires OP to compromise her career. It shows the DH believes his job is more important than hers, in short.

One of you has to lean out. It’s best to be the mom because “involved dads” are given side eye by all the other moms esp SAHM.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s valid that DH (and OP) need to figure out that sometimes kids just aren’t convenient and have to come before work. That said, 3:30 is super early to leave on a work day, most people won’t know or care that DH arrives at 7:30, and you’ll be far better off arranging childcare to meet your needs than being difficult at work from the start.

Yeah no one believes he’s really there at 730, and even those that do assume he’s semi-napping in an empty office

A DH leaving at 3:30 pm most days will profoundly limit his career. Are you guys Feds, otherwise he will be #1 on next layoff list.

These hours are common in the intel community. I go in at 9 and am “late”.

Yeah it’s common for fed employees because they are paid pretty poorly so all commute from very very far — the early hours makes the drive passable both ways.

the obvious solution here is that he goes in later since he has to work later that day and he does drop off that day.

For all of you saying find later childcare, childcare is a HUGE problem right now. Many centers have reduced hours, many have closed, there arent enough spaces or enough teachers. And sure if you make 250k+ you can likely solve that problem with $$ but the majority of the world- including within DC metro- cant just throw money at problems.

I personally try to limit the amount of time my child was in care because regardless of the care type or situation, he didnt do well with more than 8 hours. Even in elementary school, we avoid camps longer than 8 hours. He's a high energy kid but can get overloaded sensory-wise and after lots of meltdowns at home we realized they always happened on longer days. A good friend of mine has kids that can be in care for 10+ hours per day (630-5) and they are fine.

OP I have a meeting that is with external coworkers that I cant move. Normally I work 630-4 (pickup included) but one day a week I need to be on a call during pickup time so my husband works 6-12 that day and takes leave so he can do PT- needs it post surgery- and then does pick up. He used to work 530-130 but had issues with afternoon meetings once he got higher on the ladder and couldn't leave at 130 every day. And yes he woke up at 410 and was in DC, in his office by 530 and he wasnt even the first person there. Agencies with military are used to early hours.

There are going to be some learning curves with your particular kid, how you all function as parents and partners, and you might not even have the same jobs in 2-3 years. You need to be able to work these things out and he needs to be realistic about how much/how little needs to change. My husband has had 3 different jobs since our kid was born. One included a commute from Columbia to Alexandria 5 days a week until we moved. You both are going to need to be adjustable but it will take both of you.

Anonymous wrote:Plan your budget now so you can afford to go part time and lean out. Usually this means buying less house. Unfortunately that is just going to be reality for a few years, and if you stick with one it will be just a blip on your career. Everyone wants to have it all (job, kids,partner) but you are just setting yourself up for resentment and divorce.
-mom of 3. Went part time after 1st. No regrets.

Why should the mom lean out?

I'm with DH on not moving the standing meeting. We had a standing meeting that one person felt entitled to move whenever something changed about her child care schedule. For a while, I had to commute at a different time to accommodate her, while figuring out my own child care needs without asking the whole group to change for me. It was frustratingly entitled. For sure, your DH should be finding ways to be flexible but if you try to keep score at this granular a level, it will never feel even. I would let the one meeting go.

Husband needs to learn that work respect will actually accrue to him if he prioritizes his kid/dad role and moves the meeting. My husband has gotten SO MUCH CREDIT at work for being an involved dad. It makes people take him more seriously.

Anonymous wrote:I see in her first sentence a Gen Z type card moment

“We are expecting in a few months”

Lady you alone are having a baby. Your husband will install your car seat and give you some ice chips and maybe hoolf your hand during delivery.

Your husband is not expecting.

This is a bizarre rant.

You can also hire a part time care giver.

Anonymous wrote:I see in her first sentence a Gen Z type card moment

“We are expecting in a few months”

Lady you alone are having a baby. Your husband will install your car seat and give you some ice chips and maybe hoolf your hand during delivery.

Your husband is not expecting.

What is he installing a car seat for if he's not expecting anyone to sit in it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he ever TW? Maybe does drop off and pickup on the same day.

FWIW my DW frequently has meetings and I have to do both pickup and dropoff at least once per week. It's not ideal but not the end of the world either. It may not be realistic to reschedule the meeting depending on the size of the team.

I agree with this in the abstract but there's a red flag waving that it's a year until this will even matter (no kid yet, and then leave) and DH is already drawing a line in the sand that *nothing* should change about his (not bigger, not more important, not less flexible) job once this kid is here. He's basically saying that any childcare issues that crop up are mom's job, because he has a real job to worry about. And that's an obnoxious attitude even coming from a seven-figure HHI dad with a SAHW, but it's significantly grosser from run of the mill guys like OP's got. Because it's not about his job, which isn't big and impressive and obviously more important than hers. It's just about him not having to make any changes because *he* is somehow intrinsically entitled to stability and calm after becoming a parent, and all the chaos needs to fall to her.

Yes, all of this

Also, he should start paying attention to what other people do -- people move meetings all the time

And if they don't, then he can be a leader in changing his office culture or get a new job. Either way, he needs to step up and be a parent, it's not OK in 2024--we're talking about someone born after [b]1990[/b] here, right?--to fall back on gender stereotypes.

This is DCUM. I'd be shocked if a first time new parent was born after 1990. He was most likely born in the late 70's/ early 80s.

This. It takes dads stepping up in the workplace to model to others that they are equally involved partners. This is a red flag that he does not get it and you will have an uphill battle in equal parenting and having an equal partner.

I see in her first sentence a Gen Z type card moment

“We are expecting in a few months”

Lady you alone are having a baby. Your husband will install your car seat and give you some ice chips and maybe hoolf your hand during delivery.

Your husband is not expecting.

Anonymous wrote:If neither of you has the "bigger" job or more flexible job, then you should each be doing half of the drop off/pickups. If he wants to keep that meeting he needs to take drop off and go in later that morning instead. That way he has 1 drop off/4 pickups and you have 4 drop offs/1 pickup.

If you all start bean counting this early in the life of being a parent, your lives are going to be full of conflict. Every single task does not have to be done half by each. The big picture has to equal out but the minutiae doesn’t.

I agree with your husband that the job does not have to cater your personal life. If this is a regular set weekly meeting, he needs to work family life around this. He is going to need grace for all of those sick days and early pick ups and doctors appointments and school plays that happen in the middle of the day.

Anonymous wrote:The irony is that this meeting is probably scheduled to end at 4:30 precisely to accommodate other parents. It probably was set late enough so those with elementary age kids can duck out to pick them up before the meeting starts, but end early enough for parents to pick up kids in daycare by 5:30.

Exactly.

The meetings are a set time that involve other people. OP and her spouse need to figure out a childcare situation that can accommodate their work obligations.

The irony is that this meeting is probably scheduled to end at 4:30 precisely to accommodate other parents. It probably was set late enough so those with elementary age kids can duck out to pick them up before the meeting starts, but end early enough for parents to pick up kids in daycare by 5:30.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he ever TW? Maybe does drop off and pickup on the same day.

FWIW my DW frequently has meetings and I have to do both pickup and dropoff at least once per week. It's not ideal but not the end of the world either. It may not be realistic to reschedule the meeting depending on the size of the team.

I agree with this in the abstract but there's a red flag waving that it's a year until this will even matter (no kid yet, and then leave) and DH is already drawing a line in the sand that *nothing* should change about his (not bigger, not more important, not less flexible) job once this kid is here. He's basically saying that any childcare issues that crop up are mom's job, because he has a real job to worry about. And that's an obnoxious attitude even coming from a seven-figure HHI dad with a SAHW, but it's significantly grosser from run of the mill guys like OP's got. Because it's not about his job, which isn't big and impressive and obviously more important than hers. It's just about him not having to make any changes because *he* is somehow intrinsically entitled to stability and calm after becoming a parent, and all the chaos needs to fall to her.

Yes, all of this

Also, he should start paying attention to what other people do -- people move meetings all the time

And if they don't, then he can be a leader in changing his office culture or get a new job. Either way, he needs to step up and be a parent, it's not OK in 2024--we're talking about someone born after [b]1990[/b] here, right?--to fall back on gender stereotypes.

This is DCUM. I'd be shocked if a first time new parent was born after 1990. He was most likely born in the late 70's/ early 80s.