Anonymous wrote:Watching a few post-divorce lives play out over the years, my anecdotal sense is that there is a burst of exciting energy and then it's a return to the grind of life.

I'm not saying the divorce was a bad idea. These people had relationships that weren't exactly horrible, but they weren't good and I'm not sure how fixable they would have been with any amount of effort. The women, in particular, went through a stretch where the novelty of new guys, not having to deal with the old guys, etc. was really energizing. But, after a year or two, they mostly stopped dating and the reduced income became a drag.

Finances are a huge determining factor in post-divorce happiness. Know several couples where it has been a struggle in their 50s.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why people have strong negative feelings about divorce. It’s not something anyone plans for. It’s one of those things you kind of have to live through to understand.

People who are well adjusted cope and move on. Happy people go back to being happy.

Married people can save their opinions. Some person here is discussed “downtrodden cheaters.” Reminds me of a pamphleteer in dowdy shoes… “Beware of the cheaters!”

—no one makes this part of their life plans. It’s okay to seek comfort and recovery stories.

My parents divorced when I was a teen and it was traumatic for me. My mom didn't want the divorce, my dad left us. I seemed like the most selfish thing in the world. Even looking back, I don't see why they divorced. They didn't really fight in front of us kids. I would have been happier if they stayed together. And now I always have the drama of them getting upset over who I spend more time with (and they are in their 70's!).
I can understand why people in toxic marriages get divorced, but it is hard on the kids and that is why I have negative feeling towards it.

He likely was cheating. People swear kids know—but my kids had absolutely zero idea their dad was and it was a very happy home life.

+1. My kids also did not know about the cheating - which was extensive with multiple other women. He also had a porn problem, and a drinking and RX misuse problem. I kicked him out when my kids were both under 5, because had we stayed together, they definitely would have found out. ExDH grew up in a very dysfunctional family situation with an alcoholic, mentally ill parent, and I did not want my kids exposed to that chaos. I saw how much damage it did to my ex.

I don't think my kids have any clue to this day why we really got divorced. I told no one expect my parents & siblings and a few friends, none of whom would ever tell.

Growing up and thinking that everyone would have been happier if the divorce hadn't happened is the same kind of delusionality that the cheater engages in - that kind of compartmentalization and presentation of the "good face". Personally, it was mentally traumatic for me to stay with my ex - life was a series of enormous lies and gaslighting and it was very disorienting. My kids also were exposed to that growing up but since he never had any custody, they were far more sheltered from it than if we had all continued to live with him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is at the crossroads of divorce but too chicken to do it, this post is so encouraging. The unknown of divorce is so daunting but this post gives me hope that so many are finding happiness in the aftermath.

Having recently been unceremoniously dumped after a long marriage, this post helps me, too. I didn’t want the divorce, but am hoping for some sort of phoenix from the ashes situation once I glue myself back together. Kintsugi or something.

OP here. I think the phoenix part is if you're willing to do the work on yourself. Therapy taught me to recognize abuse, narcissism, my own negative and limited beliefs about myself, and then being in control of my own life gave me the confidence I needed.

FWIW if I were to categorize my marriage it would be that I was a people-pleasing empath who gave up too much of my own career and freedom and my XH was a manipulative narcissist who figured out how to control me. I got out and it was scary but that's why I'm so happy now.

I am married to a covert narcissist. Too scared to leave as he has threatened to fight me on custody and I am afraid of the effects he will have on the kids. I am also worried I won’t be able to deal with not seeing them everyday and that he will continue his ways even when we are not in same house. How are your kids doing if ex is a narcissist? Does he have 50-50 custody?

I did this with success. Prepare for very expensive litigation over a year or two minimum. Real talk.

Stop being afraid. Question yourself. Are you really an incompetent child like he’s tricked you into believing? Really? Or is HE? He’s the one who probably can’t function without you running the show. He’s a joke.

Fear is the only power he has so take it away. Your fear is under your control and I’m sorry, not much else is or will be until after the divorce.

After the divorce your sun will rise again. In neon rainbow colors. It will be worth it.

+1. I'm separated from a narcissist and it's not fun. Attorney fees will be through the roof. But it will be worth it in the long run to get away from the gaslighting, drunk and controlling behavior. I realize how I'm constantly braced for incoming. I can't live that way and I don't want my teen to either. He's struggling now because he sees me taking back my power. I initiated the divorce but we told ourselves we would be thoughtful, careful, etc. to not let this devolve into chaos and hard feelings. I've been accommodating, patient, generous...all to have him take advantage of me by purposely delaying things, manipulating, lying, insisting he never agreed on things when he actually did, calling me names...all the things that tell me again how completely damaged this human is. I've never once regretted my decision and I finally feel like myself now because i'm not being controlled or bullied.

I’m so much happier and have so much more money. He was a spender.

I’m 8 years in. I got mine he got his, we split kids college costs.

I’m hard pressed to find a happy couple.

I travel 50% of weekends with friends and family. I chill 50% of the weekends. Its the best.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why people have strong negative feelings about divorce. It’s not something anyone plans for. It’s one of those things you kind of have to live through to understand.

People who are well adjusted cope and move on. Happy people go back to being happy.

Married people can save their opinions. Some person here is discussed “downtrodden cheaters.” Reminds me of a pamphleteer in dowdy shoes… “Beware of the cheaters!”

—no one makes this part of their life plans. It’s okay to seek comfort and recovery stories.

My parents divorced when I was a teen and it was traumatic for me. My mom didn't want the divorce, my dad left us. I seemed like the most selfish thing in the world. Even looking back, I don't see why they divorced. They didn't really fight in front of us kids. I would have been happier if they stayed together. And now I always have the drama of them getting upset over who I spend more time with (and they are in their 70's!).
I can understand why people in toxic marriages get divorced, but it is hard on the kids and that is why I have negative feeling towards it.

He likely was cheating. People swear kids know—but my kids had absolutely zero idea their dad was and it was a very happy home life.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why people have strong negative feelings about divorce. It’s not something anyone plans for. It’s one of those things you kind of have to live through to understand.

People who are well adjusted cope and move on. Happy people go back to being happy.

Married people can save their opinions. Some person here is discussed “downtrodden cheaters.” Reminds me of a pamphleteer in dowdy shoes… “Beware of the cheaters!”

—no one makes this part of their life plans. It’s okay to seek comfort and recovery stories.

My parents divorced when I was a teen and it was traumatic for me. My mom didn't want the divorce, my dad left us. I seemed like the most selfish thing in the world. Even looking back, I don't see why they divorced. They didn't really fight in front of us kids. I would have been happier if they stayed together. And now I always have the drama of them getting upset over who I spend more time with (and they are in their 70's!).
I can understand why people in toxic marriages get divorced, but it is hard on the kids and that is why I have negative feeling towards it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is at the crossroads of divorce but too chicken to do it, this post is so encouraging. The unknown of divorce is so daunting but this post gives me hope that so many are finding happiness in the aftermath.

Having recently been unceremoniously dumped after a long marriage, this post helps me, too. I didn’t want the divorce, but am hoping for some sort of phoenix from the ashes situation once I glue myself back together. Kintsugi or something.

OP here. I think the phoenix part is if you're willing to do the work on yourself. Therapy taught me to recognize abuse, narcissism, my own negative and limited beliefs about myself, and then being in control of my own life gave me the confidence I needed.

FWIW if I were to categorize my marriage it would be that I was a people-pleasing empath who gave up too much of my own career and freedom and my XH was a manipulative narcissist who figured out how to control me. I got out and it was scary but that's why I'm so happy now.

I am married to a covert narcissist. Too scared to leave as he has threatened to fight me on custody and I am afraid of the effects he will have on the kids. I am also worried I won’t be able to deal with not seeing them everyday and that he will continue his ways even when we are not in same house. How are your kids doing if ex is a narcissist? Does he have 50-50 custody?

I did this with success. Prepare for very expensive litigation over a year or two minimum. Real talk.

Stop being afraid. Question yourself. Are you really an incompetent child like he’s tricked you into believing? Really? Or is HE? He’s the one who probably can’t function without you running the show. He’s a joke.

Fear is the only power he has so take it away. Your fear is under your control and I’m sorry, not much else is or will be until after the divorce.

After the divorce your sun will rise again. In neon rainbow colors. It will be worth it.

OP here. Yes it is scary. And yes we are going through litigation now and if he were fair I'd get more and because he's not I will likely get less. However, I already have opportunities for myself arising because I am not the "incompetent child" he told me I was and I have not burned bridges, which he is currently doing. He is trying to take everything, but I have the law on my side, and over a decade of history of being a loving, involved parent. Most of his social network as a parent is based on people liking my kids and liking me before we split. He has little street cred and everyone sees how ridiculous he is with his current midlife crisis going on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is at the crossroads of divorce but too chicken to do it, this post is so encouraging. The unknown of divorce is so daunting but this post gives me hope that so many are finding happiness in the aftermath.

Having recently been unceremoniously dumped after a long marriage, this post helps me, too. I didn’t want the divorce, but am hoping for some sort of phoenix from the ashes situation once I glue myself back together. Kintsugi or something.

OP here. I think the phoenix part is if you're willing to do the work on yourself. Therapy taught me to recognize abuse, narcissism, my own negative and limited beliefs about myself, and then being in control of my own life gave me the confidence I needed.

FWIW if I were to categorize my marriage it would be that I was a people-pleasing empath who gave up too much of my own career and freedom and my XH was a manipulative narcissist who figured out how to control me. I got out and it was scary but that's why I'm so happy now.

I am married to a covert narcissist. Too scared to leave as he has threatened to fight me on custody and I am afraid of the effects he will have on the kids. I am also worried I won’t be able to deal with not seeing them everyday and that he will continue his ways even when we are not in same house. How are your kids doing if ex is a narcissist? Does he have 50-50 custody?

I did this with success. Prepare for very expensive litigation over a year or two minimum. Real talk.

Stop being afraid. Question yourself. Are you really an incompetent child like he’s tricked you into believing? Really? Or is HE? He’s the one who probably can’t function without you running the show. He’s a joke.

Fear is the only power he has so take it away. Your fear is under your control and I’m sorry, not much else is or will be until after the divorce.

After the divorce your sun will rise again. In neon rainbow colors. It will be worth it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is at the crossroads of divorce but too chicken to do it, this post is so encouraging. The unknown of divorce is so daunting but this post gives me hope that so many are finding happiness in the aftermath.

Having recently been unceremoniously dumped after a long marriage, this post helps me, too. I didn’t want the divorce, but am hoping for some sort of phoenix from the ashes situation once I glue myself back together. Kintsugi or something.

OP here. I think the phoenix part is if you're willing to do the work on yourself. Therapy taught me to recognize abuse, narcissism, my own negative and limited beliefs about myself, and then being in control of my own life gave me the confidence I needed.

FWIW if I were to categorize my marriage it would be that I was a people-pleasing empath who gave up too much of my own career and freedom and my XH was a manipulative narcissist who figured out how to control me. I got out and it was scary but that's why I'm so happy now.

I am married to a covert narcissist. Too scared to leave as he has threatened to fight me on custody and I am afraid of the effects he will have on the kids. I am also worried I won’t be able to deal with not seeing them everyday and that he will continue his ways even when we are not in same house. How are your kids doing if ex is a narcissist? Does he have 50-50 custody?

I don’t understand why people have strong negative feelings about divorce. It’s not something anyone plans for. It’s one of those things you kind of have to live through to understand.

People who are well adjusted cope and move on. Happy people go back to being happy.

Married people can save their opinions. Some person here is discussed “downtrodden cheaters.” Reminds me of a pamphleteer in dowdy shoes… “Beware of the cheaters!”

—no one makes this part of their life plans. It’s okay to seek comfort and recovery stories.

Anonymous wrote:I was so much happier once I got out too, and so were the kids. Glad you’re on the other side.

I think living w/a person who you are no longer in love with nor physically attracted to sounds just miserable.

Even worse if there is fighting involved or just hard feelings all the time.

Being alone, on your own especially w/children CAN be tough.

But it sure beats resorting to a life sentence of depression + misery by far.

And yes it does affect the kids - but later on they will admit they only want their parents to be happy and stable which is often the only benefit of divorce…..

Good job.

Yes, correct. Results may vary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Watching a few post-divorce lives play out over the years, my anecdotal sense is that there is a burst of exciting energy and then it's a return to the grind of life.

I'm not saying the divorce was a bad idea. These people had relationships that weren't exactly horrible, but they weren't good and I'm not sure how fixable they would have been with any amount of effort. The women, in particular, went through a stretch where the novelty of new guys, not having to deal with the old guys, etc. was really energizing. But, after a year or two, they mostly stopped dating and the reduced income became a drag.

Yep. Seen this play out several times recently in my neighborhood when the wife instigated the divorce in order to play the field or was caught cheating. A year or so later, the loss of income and middle age with baggage isn't attracting the men they thought it would and they look beaten down.

On the flip side, a few women who had devastating things ---husband ran off with someone else, got someone else pregnant, abusive situations, etc...these women are thriving. I have seen a few in healthy new long term relationships or just really top of their game in their careers and social lives.

That could be more a result of the type of 'person' and a little bit of karma mixed in. Those that are just chasing the next thing and never happy so they keep pursuing new relationship energy, material things, etc. will never be happy. They will go back to their base level of misery and blame the 'person' or situation.

So the more virtuous women are better off after divorce then? This sounds made up.

I agree. PP, how many women in your friend circle cheated and now look poor and beaten down, that you’ve noticed this to be a trend? It seems like you’re making up things to suit the narrative that rewards you.

You make it what you want to make it.

Be mindful of the company you keep.
There are certainly a lot of people who like to keep up drama with with ex spouse. I get it splitting money when you feel poor hurts,
but still — people.