Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 17:04     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
I'm sorry OP. I would have been sad too. I've been telling my kids that I would baby sit their kids when they grow older and get married. I hope to see my kids married and have kids.

Some people decide to have kids later in life when they are settled and have money. They may not have biological kids, but that's the way it is. Maybe at some point in life your children would want to have kids. In the meantime come to terms with their decision, grieve over it, and divert your mind with other hobbies.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 16:58     Subject: Re:Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I suggest therapy. This type of thinking isn’t making you feel good and you might benefit from counseling to overcome it.




I will add this as gently as I can. Your kids may not want children due how they were parented.

I had a mentally ill mother and she was mostly terrible. For years, I had no desire for kids because I didn’t want to pass on the trauma and illness.

Only after many years did I have children and only after I had kids did my older sister start to have kids.

So you might start by examining yourself.


My friend and her sister are both in the no-kids-ever camp. They had a beautiful upbringing with very loving parents (their account, not mine). It's not always bc of bad parents. Some people just know what they want out of life.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 16:58     Subject: Re:Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I suggest therapy. This type of thinking isn’t making you feel good and you might benefit from counseling to overcome it.




I will add this as gently as I can. Your kids may not want children due how they were parented.

I had a mentally ill mother and she was mostly terrible. For years, I had no desire for kids because I didn’t want to pass on the trauma and illness.

Only after many years did I have children and only after I had kids did my older sister start to have kids.

So you might start by examining yourself.


Same. It wouldn't surprise me if OP was like my mom. If I hadn't done a lot of therapy in my early 20s, I never would have had kids. On the outside my mom was a perfect SAHM. In our house, she was controlling, manipulative, and verbally abusive at times.


I’d love me some examples of what snowflake Wash DC DCUM calls verbally abusive parenting “at times.”

My bet is they don’t want kids because they know THEY are the failures. They love their screen time and social media too much, their eating out, their vacations. And don’t want whiny kids asking for stuff. And they know they don’t have the attention span to parent or discipline themselves on screens so never will for a kid.

Ugh you really make parenthood sound amazing!
I'll take eating out and vacations instead of "whiny kids asking for stuff" for 1,000 please!
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 16:56     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this at all. I want my kids to be happy. Whether or not they have children is irrelevant.

I have never in my life thought "wow, I can't wait until I have grandchildren."


Why did you have kids?


This is a bizarre response. You have kids because YOU want kids, not so you can have grandkids.


Raising kids is hard work.

It always has been.

For 1000s of years.

Just do it!
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 16:55     Subject: Re:Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:Honestly with the way the world is, better not to bring children into this mess.


I understand your sadness but to a degree I agree with this. With climate change, growing population, and inevitable scarcity I worry a lot about the world my children and any children they have will need to make their way in and the inevitable conflict to come. Can you lean into that to feel better about things? - signed, a who works in the climate/security domain, is a natural optimist, but pretty terrified for future generations
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 16:54     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:I would feel sad, too, Op. I think your feelings are normal.


Have you asked them individually WHY they don’t want kids? Are they thinking through all their options (save eggs, nanny options, relo options, downshift jobs, grandparent help, inheritance, etc.) or are they flippant?
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 16:52     Subject: Re:Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:I’m going to guess OP was a SAHM focused on her kids throughout her life, and biding her time until grandkids came along. I think you need some hobbies OP something that interests you and you can devote your time and energy to. Your adult kids are making reasoned decisions for themselves and are self aware enough to know what they want and how to build their life. I applaud that. Shift your focus, DO Something else, stop talking about it with them, it is what it is. Get over it.


I’m going to get she had a dead eight husband, they got divorced, he lets them do whatever TF they want, she tried to actually parent them and develop them, they made it to a college, graduated, married and only know what they know.

What does the other potential grandmother say?
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 16:50     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:I understand wanting to be around kids when you’re older. Think about all the things you wanted to do with grandchildren/the meaning you wanted. Are there other ways to get these benefits? Teaching sunday school, volunteering with kids, etc.

I’m in a vaguely similar position: My husband doesn’t want a second child, but I still want to have a role in more children’s lives.


It’s simpler than that.

Just don’t live in a liberal white collar bubble like DC, NYC, or SF.

Communities everywhere else are getting married age 13-35 and having 2-4 kids no problem.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 16:47     Subject: Re:Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I suggest therapy. This type of thinking isn’t making you feel good and you might benefit from counseling to overcome it.




I will add this as gently as I can. Your kids may not want children due how they were parented.

I had a mentally ill mother and she was mostly terrible. For years, I had no desire for kids because I didn’t want to pass on the trauma and illness.

Only after many years did I have children and only after I had kids did my older sister start to have kids.

So you might start by examining yourself.


Same. It wouldn't surprise me if OP was like my mom. If I hadn't done a lot of therapy in my early 20s, I never would have had kids. On the outside my mom was a perfect SAHM. In our house, she was controlling, manipulative, and verbally abusive at times.


I’d love me some examples of what snowflake Wash DC DCUM calls verbally abusive parenting “at times.”

My bet is they don’t want kids because they know THEY are the failures. They love their screen time and social media too much, their eating out, their vacations. And don’t want whiny kids asking for stuff. And they know they don’t have the attention span to parent or discipline themselves on screens so never will for a kid.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 16:44     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:How is not having selfish? Are you more selfish than me since I have more kids?


Indefinite DINKS have always been called selfish. And there is an element of selfishness in hoarding your time, money and talents all for yourself.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 16:41     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:I would feel sad, too, Op. I think your feelings are normal.


+1

Are you divorced or where is their father in this?

You might have fun working in a Montessori preschool to give back to little ones. That’s what I did after age 55 and retirement #1!
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 14:48     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Nobody should have a child unless they're 100% certain they want one. Sounds like you have two very responsible adult children who are creating a future they want. Be proud of them.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 10:51     Subject: Re:Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:They are not selfish to not want kids. It could be argued that it's more selfish TO have kids than not to. It's a difficult world to live in, especially at this point in history. Having kids is subjecting a new generation of people to the hardships of life. (I am saying this as someone who has 2 kids myself, always wanted to have kids, love my kids immeasurably but I'm the first to admit that me choosing to have kids was because I wanted them which is selfish).

I understand you are sad that you likely will not have grandchildren and won't get to see your kids as parents, which would be a joyous thing to experience I think. But it's not fair for you to be angry at them or accuse them of being selfish.


I find these comments so surprising and I hear them often. People today are better off than any other time in human history. Obviously you know what a struggle life was in the 13th century when we had plagues and collapse of many civilizations. Or during ww I or II or even the depression? How can you call this a difficult world when history shows just the opposite? Have we lost all sense of history? I almost wonder if the LACK of hardship makes people unhappy because I hear this so often and it’s so objectively false.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 10:39     Subject: Re:Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
I’d be very disappointed but it is their lives and they have to do what’s best for them. The only thing I’d do is make sure that my child is in complete agreement and not just being to a spouses desire.
Anonymous
Post 02/14/2024 21:39     Subject: Re:Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:I didn’t want kids until I did. Give it time


This. For me it was about 33.