Anonymous
02/09/2024 15:48
Subject: Messy husband, won’t clean
Hiring a cleaning service and pay for it from a joint bank account. Put all his trash, junk, stuff in a pile or on his side of the bed.
Anonymous
02/09/2024 15:35
Subject: Messy husband, won’t clean
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yeah sure. What a fake post designed to drum up outrage.
As is usually with 100% of these threads, even if true, we never get to hear the other side of the story and only the highly biased viewpoint from a single camp. I always find it to be the case that the complainer massively overrates their contributions to chores while completely downplaying the ones done by their spouse.
OP- there is truth to this, as everyone’s reality is different and you only get to hear one side of the story. I try to take pause to see if there is something I’m not getting, hence posting on here. I would add that if DH just clean up after himself that would be a big improvement already.
My wife will tell her girlfriends "He doesn't help out with chores!".
Yet this is literally a list of everything I do:
All car maintenance
All home repairs and maintenance
All hard maintenance
Take out the trash
Take care of all finances
Only one that cleans the fridge
Only one that actually *cleans* the bathrooms
Only one that regularly cleans the stop top and microwaves and counters
Vacuum 50% of the time
Cook 50% of the time
Do the dishes and with the washer 50% of the time.
My wife does laundry, cleans the surface of bathrooms, and cooks 50% of the time. Yet according to her I never do anything. This is why I rarely believe narratives like this. The partner complaining never gives equal credit.
Lol, over the summer I did back breaking work repointing our brick home over multiple days and saved us thousands of dollars. Of course that never gets acknowledged.
OP- if my DH did even half of this list I’d be happy. He does house repairs which I have to admit I don’t really acknowledged as much as I think he wants me to mainly because they are a one and done type thing. Also the DIY I want him to do he never gets done (e.g no towel hook for 3 years and counting, yet to install the security system I bought 4 years ago). He doesn’t lift a finger after he comes back from work. I do all the cleaning and family admin either in the night when the kids are sleeping or I’m doing it whilst looking after them. I resent I get no me time at all. I resent that I’m not the best I can be at work nor striving to do better in my career because my home life is too taxing.
Tonight I come down from putting the kids to bed and now have to tackle the night time clean up. He sits there on his phone whilst I clear plates and sweep up around him. He doesn’t even feel any conscience to help out and is waiting till I finish cleaning to get some nookie ?!?! I tell him I’m not in the mood so he leaves sulking.
It seems petty to separate over cleaning and household chores. I’d hate for my kids to go through that. I keep telling myself that I can only change myself.. so ultimately that means I will have to dig deep to find the resolve to change my mindset on this and find better strategies to make things easier for me. I just hope that what’s left of my love for him doesn’t dissipate to nothing
NP. How would he respond if you asked him in the moment to come and help you? Especially if you have an external reason (e.g. "I have to go to bed earlier because I have an early meeting tomorrow"), or something is too heavy for you to lift?
I have done in this past, as i've need to work late in the night to meet deadlines and prepare for presentations. He get agitated and says he will do it in the morning. So in the morning its a huge disorganized mess - kids eating breakfast with old dinner plates still on the table, a big rush to get lunch boxes washed dried and lunches made. He's very adamant that if he's going to help it has to be done his way which also includes doing a half assed job.
You should check out Fairplay and the concepts. I think they have something around discussion of minimum acceptable standard. Having a shared understanding of what that complete task looks like. He can do it his way but for the example, for the dishes to be done all the dirty dishes need to be in the dishwasher BEFORE kids come down for breakfast. I mean I sure he wouldn't be cool with you waiting to cook dinner until the next morning? So he can do them "in the morning" but that better mean he wakes up earlier to get them done before it's time for the kids to eat breakfast.
Anonymous
02/09/2024 14:45
Subject: Messy husband, won’t clean
Its very hard to divvy up the household work so it is fair is so hard, actually quite impossible - taking into account the time spent, physical exertion needed, mental load it takes etc. What I would view as important hubby doesn't and visa versa.
Anonymous
02/09/2024 14:42
Subject: Messy husband, won’t clean
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yeah sure. What a fake post designed to drum up outrage.
As is usually with 100% of these threads, even if true, we never get to hear the other side of the story and only the highly biased viewpoint from a single camp. I always find it to be the case that the complainer massively overrates their contributions to chores while completely downplaying the ones done by their spouse.
OP- there is truth to this, as everyone’s reality is different and you only get to hear one side of the story. I try to take pause to see if there is something I’m not getting, hence posting on here. I would add that if DH just clean up after himself that would be a big improvement already.
My wife will tell her girlfriends "He doesn't help out with chores!".
Yet this is literally a list of everything I do:
All car maintenance
All home repairs and maintenance
All hard maintenance
Take out the trash
Take care of all finances
Only one that cleans the fridge
Only one that actually *cleans* the bathrooms
Only one that regularly cleans the stop top and microwaves and counters
Vacuum 50% of the time
Cook 50% of the time
Do the dishes and with the washer 50% of the time.
My wife does laundry, cleans the surface of bathrooms, and cooks 50% of the time. Yet according to her I never do anything. This is why I rarely believe narratives like this. The partner complaining never gives equal credit.
Lol, over the summer I did back breaking work repointing our brick home over multiple days and saved us thousands of dollars. Of course that never gets acknowledged.
OP- if my DH did even half of this list I’d be happy. He does house repairs which I have to admit I don’t really acknowledged as much as I think he wants me to mainly because they are a one and done type thing. Also the DIY I want him to do he never gets done (e.g no towel hook for 3 years and counting, yet to install the security system I bought 4 years ago). He doesn’t lift a finger after he comes back from work. I do all the cleaning and family admin either in the night when the kids are sleeping or I’m doing it whilst looking after them. I resent I get no me time at all. I resent that I’m not the best I can be at work nor striving to do better in my career because my home life is too taxing.
Tonight I come down from putting the kids to bed and now have to tackle the night time clean up. He sits there on his phone whilst I clear plates and sweep up around him. He doesn’t even feel any conscience to help out and is waiting till I finish cleaning to get some nookie ?!?! I tell him I’m not in the mood so he leaves sulking.
It seems petty to separate over cleaning and household chores. I’d hate for my kids to go through that. I keep telling myself that I can only change myself.. so ultimately that means I will have to dig deep to find the resolve to change my mindset on this and find better strategies to make things easier for me. I just hope that what’s left of my love for him doesn’t dissipate to nothing
There are many projects that are huge jobs around the house in terms of maintenance. Sure, they may be one and done projects, but the amount of physical labor that goes into it can be draining. Let's be honest - laundry is carrying a basket, throwing in clothes, adding a cap of soap, and letting the machine run for a few hours while you watch Netflix or workout. Contrast that to yardwork for several hours per week during which you are actually working all those hours doing tons of hard labor. Repointing the house was 13 hour days for 4 days in a row. It was the most back breaking work I've ever done in my life and my body has never been that physically exhausted before in my life. It took almost a month for my knees to recover from the pain. One hour of doing home repair like repointing is about 100x the labor compared to doing something like laundry. Sure, it's one and done, but that completely ignore the massive difference in the intensity of the actual work. It's so easy to overlook and write-off all of the home, car, and yard maintenance stuff because they don't get done everyday, but you also need to consider how hard the work is.
I once had to go on business trips for 1.5 weeks and asked if my wife could mow the lawn once during that time so that it wouldn't get out of control. What did I come home to find? A yard completely growing out of control with just a single line in the yard where it was cut. My wife gave up doing it after 90 seconds because 'it was too hard' and she didn't like being outside in 97 degree weather in July.
OP - Fair point, I had to shovel snow for the first time this year cos hubby was away and the next day i couldn't lift my self out of bed, I had to roll out and it felt like some one had punched me on both arms, lol.
Thats pathetic OP. We clear our driveway and our elderly neighbors driveway. It takes an hour. Do these things with your spouse and work as a team and then maybe they will see teamwork as an advantage with other tasks. If you silo your household tasks dont be surprised when all the household chores are yours.
Anonymous
02/09/2024 14:39
Subject: Messy husband, won’t clean
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yeah sure. What a fake post designed to drum up outrage.
As is usually with 100% of these threads, even if true, we never get to hear the other side of the story and only the highly biased viewpoint from a single camp. I always find it to be the case that the complainer massively overrates their contributions to chores while completely downplaying the ones done by their spouse.
OP- there is truth to this, as everyone’s reality is different and you only get to hear one side of the story. I try to take pause to see if there is something I’m not getting, hence posting on here. I would add that if DH just clean up after himself that would be a big improvement already.
My wife will tell her girlfriends "He doesn't help out with chores!".
Yet this is literally a list of everything I do:
All car maintenance
All home repairs and maintenance
All hard maintenance
Take out the trash
Take care of all finances
Only one that cleans the fridge
Only one that actually *cleans* the bathrooms
Only one that regularly cleans the stop top and microwaves and counters
Vacuum 50% of the time
Cook 50% of the time
Do the dishes and with the washer 50% of the time.
My wife does laundry, cleans the surface of bathrooms, and cooks 50% of the time. Yet according to her I never do anything. This is why I rarely believe narratives like this. The partner complaining never gives equal credit.
Lol, over the summer I did back breaking work repointing our brick home over multiple days and saved us thousands of dollars. Of course that never gets acknowledged.
OP- if my DH did even half of this list I’d be happy. He does house repairs which I have to admit I don’t really acknowledged as much as I think he wants me to mainly because they are a one and done type thing. Also the DIY I want him to do he never gets done (e.g no towel hook for 3 years and counting, yet to install the security system I bought 4 years ago). He doesn’t lift a finger after he comes back from work. I do all the cleaning and family admin either in the night when the kids are sleeping or I’m doing it whilst looking after them. I resent I get no me time at all. I resent that I’m not the best I can be at work nor striving to do better in my career because my home life is too taxing.
Tonight I come down from putting the kids to bed and now have to tackle the night time clean up. He sits there on his phone whilst I clear plates and sweep up around him. He doesn’t even feel any conscience to help out and is waiting till I finish cleaning to get some nookie ?!?! I tell him I’m not in the mood so he leaves sulking.
It seems petty to separate over cleaning and household chores. I’d hate for my kids to go through that. I keep telling myself that I can only change myself.. so ultimately that means I will have to dig deep to find the resolve to change my mindset on this and find better strategies to make things easier for me. I just hope that what’s left of my love for him doesn’t dissipate to nothing
There are many projects that are huge jobs around the house in terms of maintenance. Sure, they may be one and done projects, but the amount of physical labor that goes into it can be draining. Let's be honest - laundry is carrying a basket, throwing in clothes, adding a cap of soap, and letting the machine run for a few hours while you watch Netflix or workout. Contrast that to yardwork for several hours per week during which you are actually working all those hours doing tons of hard labor. Repointing the house was 13 hour days for 4 days in a row. It was the most back breaking work I've ever done in my life and my body has never been that physically exhausted before in my life. It took almost a month for my knees to recover from the pain. One hour of doing home repair like repointing is about 100x the labor compared to doing something like laundry. Sure, it's one and done, but that completely ignore the massive difference in the intensity of the actual work. It's so easy to overlook and write-off all of the home, car, and yard maintenance stuff because they don't get done everyday, but you also need to consider how hard the work is.
I once had to go on business trips for 1.5 weeks and asked if my wife could mow the lawn once during that time so that it wouldn't get out of control. What did I come home to find? A yard completely growing out of control with just a single line in the yard where it was cut. My wife gave up doing it after 90 seconds because 'it was too hard' and she didn't like being outside in 97 degree weather in July.
When my husband tore tendons in his legs 2 years in a row and couldnt mow, I did. For weeks. When it comes to painting, I paint. We also help with yard work. Ive been mowing lawns since I was 12. Eldest daughter so in charge of siblings and all types of chores.
I would much rather do DIY and yard work versus the day-to-day drag of keeping a house clean solo, especially with a slob. One you get left alone. I got to put my headphones on and listen to podcasts and music while mowing the lawn. It was glorious. And then I got to shower afterwards. Two the job is DONE when its done. There is a sense of accomplishment when building a deck or putting in a new fence or repaving the driveway. There is no such thing with toilets and the floors. I vacuumed yesterday- there is grass from the dog and my kid tracked through even though we have a no shoes policy. The toilet gets pooped in that day or the next day.
Also, your laundry comment bothered me because you only mention throwing it in the washer as if its one load and it magically gets flipped over and magically put away. I do 3 loads of laundry per day. Sheets, duvets, blankets, towels, clothes, dog beds, etc. Its not hard labor but neither is yard work. I do both. If yard work wears you out, you need to lift more.
Anonymous
02/09/2024 14:28
Subject: Messy husband, won’t clean
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yeah sure. What a fake post designed to drum up outrage.
As is usually with 100% of these threads, even if true, we never get to hear the other side of the story and only the highly biased viewpoint from a single camp. I always find it to be the case that the complainer massively overrates their contributions to chores while completely downplaying the ones done by their spouse.
OP- there is truth to this, as everyone’s reality is different and you only get to hear one side of the story. I try to take pause to see if there is something I’m not getting, hence posting on here. I would add that if DH just clean up after himself that would be a big improvement already.
My wife will tell her girlfriends "He doesn't help out with chores!".
Yet this is literally a list of everything I do:
All car maintenance
All home repairs and maintenance
All hard maintenance
Take out the trash
Take care of all finances
Only one that cleans the fridge
Only one that actually *cleans* the bathrooms
Only one that regularly cleans the stop top and microwaves and counters
Vacuum 50% of the time
Cook 50% of the time
Do the dishes and with the washer 50% of the time.
My wife does laundry, cleans the surface of bathrooms, and cooks 50% of the time. Yet according to her I never do anything. This is why I rarely believe narratives like this. The partner complaining never gives equal credit.
Lol, over the summer I did back breaking work repointing our brick home over multiple days and saved us thousands of dollars. Of course that never gets acknowledged.
OP- if my DH did even half of this list I’d be happy. He does house repairs which I have to admit I don’t really acknowledged as much as I think he wants me to mainly because they are a one and done type thing. Also the DIY I want him to do he never gets done (e.g no towel hook for 3 years and counting, yet to install the security system I bought 4 years ago). He doesn’t lift a finger after he comes back from work. I do all the cleaning and family admin either in the night when the kids are sleeping or I’m doing it whilst looking after them. I resent I get no me time at all. I resent that I’m not the best I can be at work nor striving to do better in my career because my home life is too taxing.
Tonight I come down from putting the kids to bed and now have to tackle the night time clean up. He sits there on his phone whilst I clear plates and sweep up around him. He doesn’t even feel any conscience to help out and is waiting till I finish cleaning to get some nookie ?!?! I tell him I’m not in the mood so he leaves sulking.
It seems petty to separate over cleaning and household chores. I’d hate for my kids to go through that. I keep telling myself that I can only change myself.. so ultimately that means I will have to dig deep to find the resolve to change my mindset on this and find better strategies to make things easier for me. I just hope that what’s left of my love for him doesn’t dissipate to nothing
There are many projects that are huge jobs around the house in terms of maintenance. Sure, they may be one and done projects, but the amount of physical labor that goes into it can be draining. Let's be honest - laundry is carrying a basket, throwing in clothes, adding a cap of soap, and letting the machine run for a few hours while you watch Netflix or workout. Contrast that to yardwork for several hours per week during which you are actually working all those hours doing tons of hard labor. Repointing the house was 13 hour days for 4 days in a row. It was the most back breaking work I've ever done in my life and my body has never been that physically exhausted before in my life. It took almost a month for my knees to recover from the pain. One hour of doing home repair like repointing is about 100x the labor compared to doing something like laundry. Sure, it's one and done, but that completely ignore the massive difference in the intensity of the actual work. It's so easy to overlook and write-off all of the home, car, and yard maintenance stuff because they don't get done everyday, but you also need to consider how hard the work is.
I once had to go on business trips for 1.5 weeks and asked if my wife could mow the lawn once during that time so that it wouldn't get out of control. What did I come home to find? A yard completely growing out of control with just a single line in the yard where it was cut. My wife gave up doing it after 90 seconds because 'it was too hard' and she didn't like being outside in 97 degree weather in July.
OP - Fair point, I had to shovel snow for the first time this year cos hubby was away and the next day i couldn't lift my self out of bed, I had to roll out and it felt like some one had punched me on both arms, lol.
Anonymous
02/09/2024 13:30
Subject: Messy husband, won’t clean
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yeah sure. What a fake post designed to drum up outrage.
As is usually with 100% of these threads, even if true, we never get to hear the other side of the story and only the highly biased viewpoint from a single camp. I always find it to be the case that the complainer massively overrates their contributions to chores while completely downplaying the ones done by their spouse.
OP- there is truth to this, as everyone’s reality is different and you only get to hear one side of the story. I try to take pause to see if there is something I’m not getting, hence posting on here. I would add that if DH just clean up after himself that would be a big improvement already.
My wife will tell her girlfriends "He doesn't help out with chores!".
Yet this is literally a list of everything I do:
All car maintenance
All home repairs and maintenance
All hard maintenance
Take out the trash
Take care of all finances
Only one that cleans the fridge
Only one that actually *cleans* the bathrooms
Only one that regularly cleans the stop top and microwaves and counters
Vacuum 50% of the time
Cook 50% of the time
Do the dishes and with the washer 50% of the time.
My wife does laundry, cleans the surface of bathrooms, and cooks 50% of the time. Yet according to her I never do anything. This is why I rarely believe narratives like this. The partner complaining never gives equal credit.
Lol, over the summer I did back breaking work repointing our brick home over multiple days and saved us thousands of dollars. Of course that never gets acknowledged.
OP- if my DH did even half of this list I’d be happy. He does house repairs which I have to admit I don’t really acknowledged as much as I think he wants me to mainly because they are a one and done type thing. Also the DIY I want him to do he never gets done (e.g no towel hook for 3 years and counting, yet to install the security system I bought 4 years ago). He doesn’t lift a finger after he comes back from work. I do all the cleaning and family admin either in the night when the kids are sleeping or I’m doing it whilst looking after them. I resent I get no me time at all. I resent that I’m not the best I can be at work nor striving to do better in my career because my home life is too taxing.
Tonight I come down from putting the kids to bed and now have to tackle the night time clean up. He sits there on his phone whilst I clear plates and sweep up around him. He doesn’t even feel any conscience to help out and is waiting till I finish cleaning to get some nookie ?!?! I tell him I’m not in the mood so he leaves sulking.
It seems petty to separate over cleaning and household chores. I’d hate for my kids to go through that. I keep telling myself that I can only change myself.. so ultimately that means I will have to dig deep to find the resolve to change my mindset on this and find better strategies to make things easier for me. I just hope that what’s left of my love for him doesn’t dissipate to nothing
There are many projects that are huge jobs around the house in terms of maintenance. Sure, they may be one and done projects, but the amount of physical labor that goes into it can be draining. Let's be honest - laundry is carrying a basket, throwing in clothes, adding a cap of soap, and letting the machine run for a few hours while you watch Netflix or workout. Contrast that to yardwork for several hours per week during which you are actually working all those hours doing tons of hard labor. Repointing the house was 13 hour days for 4 days in a row. It was the most back breaking work I've ever done in my life and my body has never been that physically exhausted before in my life. It took almost a month for my knees to recover from the pain. One hour of doing home repair like repointing is about 100x the labor compared to doing something like laundry. Sure, it's one and done, but that completely ignore the massive difference in the intensity of the actual work. It's so easy to overlook and write-off all of the home, car, and yard maintenance stuff because they don't get done everyday, but you also need to consider how hard the work is.
I once had to go on business trips for 1.5 weeks and asked if my wife could mow the lawn once during that time so that it wouldn't get out of control. What did I come home to find? A yard completely growing out of control with just a single line in the yard where it was cut. My wife gave up doing it after 90 seconds because 'it was too hard' and she didn't like being outside in 97 degree weather in July.
Anonymous
02/09/2024 12:59
Subject: Messy husband, won’t clean
I had similar issues with my husband . Read the book fair play . I made my invisible work visible to him . I used the chore chart method a Pp suggested , it helps . I also outsource things like poplin will do laundry and drop it back to you next day . I hire a home helper to come and do dishes if I’m sick . I have cleaners twice a month . He hates how much this all costs but I just shove it back in his face and say you do the work then ? It’s not perfect but it got better with more “me time” at night . I also don’t over entertain , make him do his own laundry and I don’t deal with his family at all anymore .