Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 15:29     Subject: XH leaving kids alone at night regularly
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There’s not much you can do about it.


Yes there is. 9 and 11 are too young to be left unattended at night. OP can ask to add this to the custody agreement.


In Maryland the rule is 8 to be left home alone. And it's not like he's leaving them overnight.
It's not a parenting decision I would make, but it's not illegal and I can't imagine a court changing custody agreements because of it.


He is actively choosing NOT to parent on his parenting time, and on top of that, leave very young kids unattended regularly until 10 pm on a school night for half his custody days. You best believe his lawyer would tell him to take a demand letter requesting a reduction in custody time based on his self-evident disinterest in parenting VERY seriously. This isn’t a case of different parenting styles or even disagreement on how to handle a serious issue like mental health therapies. It’s a parent who quite simply … is not there. I’m not saying this is some kind of easy slam dunk or denying the risk, but it is a VERY bad look for the dad.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 15:24     Subject: XH leaving kids alone at night regularly
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There’s not much you can do about it.


Yes there is. 9 and 11 are too young to be left unattended at night. OP can ask to add this to the custody agreement.


In Maryland the rule is 8 to be left home alone. And it's not like he's leaving them overnight.
It's not a parenting decision I would make, but it's not illegal and I can't imagine a court changing custody agreements because of it.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 12:22     Subject: XH leaving kids alone at night regularly
He needs to get a damn sitter. I myself stayed home with younger siblings at that age but was fine with it, OP's 11 year old ISN'T.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 11:54     Subject: XH leaving kids alone at night regularly
Assuming they have access to a phone/computer, you could be available for them to call whenever they feel uncomfortable or scared. Not even to chat, just to have an open line to someone they trust in the background.

I too would be upset but there’s not a lot you can do I don’t think.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 09:52     Subject: XH leaving kids alone at night regularly
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There’s not much you can do about it.


Yes there is. 9 and 11 are too young to be left unattended at night. OP can ask to add this to the custody agreement.


That's not true under the law.


Depends on the jurisdiction whether it is neglect but it obviously reflects very badly on the dad’s willingness to parent. I would represent myself pro se to get custody adjusted.


The jurisdiction is DC, which OP stated quite clearly from the get go.


I recently re-did a custody agreement in DC. I would not do it again. They DGAF about kids well being. My ex, who is opposed to treatment for my mentally ill teenager (and would refuse medication adjustments when my child was being physically violent in my home) was going to get full joint legal and the ability to block medication adjustments. Instead, my teen lives with dad now, and dad has to deal with violence when meds need to be adjusted (I agree to med changes that make sense so it doesn't get that far now).

DC does NOT care about your children. They (and NY for that matter since I've had the pleasure of dealing with family court in both places) care far more about parental rights than they do about whether children "feel comfortable" with their parents decisions.

Be careful OP, because it could be twisted to make it look like YOU are making the children feel uncomfortable with the situation, and twisted to take away your time with the kids. The courts DO NOT CARE.


this sounds like a totally different situation.


It was - a much MORE serious situation than what OP is dealing with. A child with mental illness that only one parent (me) was willing to treat seriously. OPs ex doesn't sound any more agreeable, and he's not putting the children in danger (as long as they have a phone so they can call for help if needed), and the DC courts will absolutely not care.


What did the expert witnesses say?
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 09:51     Subject: XH leaving kids alone at night regularly
Can you just show up while he’s gone to take care of them, make them dinner, etc.

I’m not divorced so I don’t know what kind of issues this would cause but he’s not there anyways….seems like he’s been negligent and petty. The worst.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 08:41     Subject: XH leaving kids alone at night regularly
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I was the neighborhood babysitter at age 11. Why don’t you have your oldest take the Red Cross babysitting class (which is available starting at age 11) and gain some good skills. Then your ex can pay her for the hours he’s gone.

I’d also want to know there was a trusted neighbor nearby whom your kids could contact if a problem arose. Hopefully your ex is leaving things like emergency contacts, etc.


Me too.


^^PP- I wanted to add that I *wanted* to be the babysitter and earn money. If the DD is uncomfortable, that should be first priority!
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 08:39     Subject: XH leaving kids alone at night regularly
Anonymous wrote:I was the neighborhood babysitter at age 11. Why don’t you have your oldest take the Red Cross babysitting class (which is available starting at age 11) and gain some good skills. Then your ex can pay her for the hours he’s gone.

I’d also want to know there was a trusted neighbor nearby whom your kids could contact if a problem arose. Hopefully your ex is leaving things like emergency contacts, etc.


Me too.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 08:28     Subject: XH leaving kids alone at night regularly
Just because it’s not illegal doesn’t make it right.
My 11yo has stayed a few hours by herself but not at night/her bedtime. I’d feel bad leaving her to put herself to bed. Clearing their Dad doesn’t.
Not sure if there is anything you can do legally though OP, good luck.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 08:18     Subject: XH leaving kids alone at night regularly
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When I was 11 I got my babysitting badge from Girl Scouts and was routinely watching little kids until 10/11pm at night.

Of course that was the 80s and kids were not so coddled then. It taught me responsibility and I went on to be a high achieving person.


Twice a week on school nights? I call BULL$H!t.


OP here. I wish it was!

I offered to take those days from him as a custody redo but of course he refused. As with babysitter… ( and my daughter said she would feel awkward with a sitter bc she’s almost 12).

The Red Cross babysitting classes are a great idea, thx for suggesting it whoever did. She’s excited about that, but not bc of her dad… obviously.

also… im not against an occasional leaving the kids here and there once in a while, it's the two school nights per week every week he has them!

thanks everyone for validating the insanity of this.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2024 20:21     Subject: XH leaving kids alone at night regularly
Anonymous wrote:When I was 11 I got my babysitting badge from Girl Scouts and was routinely watching little kids until 10/11pm at night.

Of course that was the 80s and kids were not so coddled then. It taught me responsibility and I went on to be a high achieving person.


Twice a week on school nights? I call BULL$H!t.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2024 19:47     Subject: XH leaving kids alone at night regularly
I was the neighborhood babysitter at age 11. Why don’t you have your oldest take the Red Cross babysitting class (which is available starting at age 11) and gain some good skills. Then your ex can pay her for the hours he’s gone.

I’d also want to know there was a trusted neighbor nearby whom your kids could contact if a problem arose. Hopefully your ex is leaving things like emergency contacts, etc.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2024 19:47     Subject: XH leaving kids alone at night regularly
At that age, anything can happen. My kids would have fought and possibly hurt each other. Even more mild-mannered kids can fall, get injured, have situations that they are not cognitively or emotionally prepared to deal with.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2024 19:42     Subject: XH leaving kids alone at night regularly
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There’s not much you can do about it.


Yes there is. 9 and 11 are too young to be left unattended at night. OP can ask to add this to the custody agreement.


This is determined by state law. In my state there is no age.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2024 19:40     Subject: XH leaving kids alone at night regularly
Anonymous wrote:Look up the law in your state to see when kids are legally allowed to be left alone. Usually it is 10 or 12+


DC is not specific, I personally know this to be true and it was stated upthread.

So, not helpful in this case.

This is an example of how divorcing someone self absorbed is not a guaranteed improvement.