Anonymous wrote:JFC. Marriage sounds absolutely miserable. And I’m a woman.

You only hear about the bad stuff on this forum. I'm very happily married.

Anonymous wrote:Op - what frustrates me is that I am 100% the default parent. I typically do all the drop offs, pick ups, make food, do laundry etc.

But I expect him to help around the house with the kids. Instead he is sleeping until 7:30 (on a week day!) and now will rush to get ready to work and be all stressed because he has so much work to do.

I have been up since 6:30 getting myself ready, lunches, dealing with the dog, getting breakfast and all the kid stuff so they are on time for school.

I get that this is frustrating, but if he's just checking out of the morning routine 3-4 days a year (a couple of days after each trip), you're going to have to let it go. Once he's over the hangover tell him he's got the next couple of days alone (to reconnect with the kids!). Go on your own trip. Make like Elsa and let it goooooooooooooo.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH goes on one, sometimes two, guy trips a year. Usually just a long weekend. I hate them. They all go and act like they are 21 again and drink way to much, stay up too late and come home feeling hungover and exhausted for the next week.

Meanwhile I am stuck 24/7 taking care of the kids and running the house while he is gone. Then when he gets home he can barely help because he is so tired and he is so behind on work from taking the long weekend off.

I completely know he deserves time to decompress and relax and reconnecting with his friends is very important. I am so glad he still has friends and is close with them! I just dislike these trips.

Let me guess. He also works full time and pays for everything while you stay at home? And you can't give him TWO WEEKENDS A FREAKING YEAR to relax? Who is the unreasonable one...

OP - I have not responded to every comment but will respond to this one. I too work full time and make decent money (although he makes more than me by quite a bit). I provide our family with health insurance, have a healthy pension AND am the full time default parent for 3 young kids.

Anonymous wrote:DH goes on one, sometimes two, guy trips a year. Usually just a long weekend. I hate them. They all go and act like they are 21 again and drink way to much, stay up too late and come home feeling hungover and exhausted for the next week.

Meanwhile I am stuck 24/7 taking care of the kids and running the house while he is gone. Then when he gets home he can barely help because he is so tired and he is so behind on work from taking the long weekend off.

I completely know he deserves time to decompress and relax and reconnecting with his friends is very important. I am so glad he still has friends and is close with them! I just dislike these trips.

Let me guess. He also works full time and pays for everything while you stay at home? And you can't give him TWO WEEKENDS A FREAKING YEAR to relax? Who is the unreasonable one...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Why don't middle aged men have more and better friendships?"

I would argue better friendships would not involve just getting drunk all weekend. Can they not enjoy each other’s company without getting drunk to the point of a multi day hangover?

Can't speak for OP's husband, but for my group there was a transition period where we adjusted to the fact that we couldn't go as hard without being worthless for longer stretches of time. When we were in our twenties, we could get raging drunk and bounce back fast. There was a stretch in our thirties where we got just as drunk but it took a few days to get back up to snuff. (I'm not talking about being confined to bed or anything - just a little slower, a little foggier.) Now that we're in our fifties, we get a good buzz on, but we're probably asleep by midnight.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:JFC. Marriage sounds absolutely miserable. And I’m a woman.

It is if you’re a woman. The institution is for the man’s benefit. Just read the thread.

I dont think every marriage is misseable but some of us get stuck raising the husband.
Im not saying dont go out but be mature know your limits.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Why don't middle aged men have more and better friendships?"

Not sure these guys are talking about their feelings and nurturing each other while on a bender in Vegas.

I know that I am nurturing myself and my friendships when I spend a long weekend at a resort drinking mimosas and wine all day with my friends once a year. Does the fact that it is dudes, hard liquor and LV really make a difference?

Groups of guys obviously differ. And, while we're not exactly "nurturing," my group opens up about stuff in these settings in ways we usually don't when there is less alcohol, less time together, and more routine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A woman would be excoriated if she came home from a girls’ trip too hungover and exhausted to deal with the kids. Tell him to suck it up. The trip is fine. But when it is over, it is over.

Yes, this is the issue, I think. It’s not the 3 days. It’s that he makes it 10 days of nonparticipation without acknowledging it or getting spouse on board.

+1

Correct. A lot of PPs above (men who want their own guys' trips, I suspect) are ignoring the fact that the real problem isn't the trip itself, it's that he comes home and is a hungover mopey baby for days afterward, recovering because he can't drink like an adult when he's away.

OP, I'd schedule utterly un-cancel-able things for which he has to be responsible so he has to suck it up and take a kid to, say, the dentist at 8 a.m. on that first morning back because YOU are busy. I'd have stuff of my own scheduled so he has to be the one getting the kids up and off to school. And I wouldn't be passive-aggressive about it -- I'd tell him point blank that family life goes on whether he's hung over and grumpy or not, and if he can't drink like a grown-up, that's his issue to figure out, not his issue to bring home with him.

Anonymous wrote:JFC. Marriage sounds absolutely miserable. And I’m a woman.

It is if you’re a woman. The institution is for the man’s benefit. Just read the thread.

JFC. Marriage sounds absolutely miserable. And I’m a woman.

Anonymous wrote:"Why don't middle aged men have more and better friendships?"

I would argue better friendships would not involve just getting drunk all weekend. Can they not enjoy each other’s company without getting drunk to the point of a multi day hangover?

Anonymous wrote:I would ask that he stay elsewhere for his recovery day and count that as a vacation day. For the PP who suggested that was toxic bean counting, I disagree. The idea of stepping away from my family for a long weekend to go have fun and leave DH with all the childcare duties is a big deal. I've done it a few times but it's not something we just do, and every day really does count. Seems a lot less toxic to call it a 4-day trip instead of a 3-day trip, and avoid the resentment over that final day. Then when the wife is considering her trip she doesn't have to feel bad or guilty taking the extra day also.

+1


The people who call this bean counting are the ones who always take a mile when given an inch, and then accuse their partners of being petty when their partners ask for the same consideration.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask that he stay elsewhere for his recovery day and count that as a vacation day. For the PP who suggested that was toxic bean counting, I disagree. The idea of stepping away from my family for a long weekend to go have fun and leave DH with all the childcare duties is a big deal. I've done it a few times but it's not something we just do, and every day really does count. Seems a lot less toxic to call it a 4-day trip instead of a 3-day trip, and avoid the resentment over that final day. Then when the wife is considering her trip she doesn't have to feel bad or guilty taking the extra day also.

I agree not a bad idea i feel the coming home hung over from your guy trip ugh cringe lol. Then demanding or taking a day to recover is such a turn off. Am i wrong ?

DP. I agree it’d be a turn off but if just once or twice a year I’d deal. This is assuming alcohol is not otherwise an issue in our marriage.

That said I’m SO glad the guys’ trips my DH goes on are with other married dads and they do stuff like skiing, hiking, etc. They like to go on nature trips vs boozing vacations. Also, sometimes they take the kids with them to go on camping trips.

I take girls’ trips too. Usually for a spa weekend or to a fun city to see shows/eat at cool restaurants.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Why don't middle aged men have more and better friendships?"

Not sure these guys are talking about their feelings and nurturing each other while on a bender in Vegas.

I know that I am nurturing myself and my friendships when I spend a long weekend at a resort drinking mimosas and wine all day with my friends once a year. Does the fact that it is dudes, hard liquor and LV really make a difference?

Anonymous wrote:"Why don't middle aged men have more and better friendships?"

Not sure these guys are talking about their feelings and nurturing each other while on a bender in Vegas.