Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. DH is neither a narcissist nor autistic. He did not yell or rant. He was upset, but mostly very hurt. He would never want to be boring and would (now does) feel very worried to think he is.
I apologized for hurting his feelings. I did not apologize my actions per se bc I don’t think I was wrong but I also didn’t intend to hurt his feelings.

lol. Girl you need to work on your self esteem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Narcissism. Not autism, extrememe narcissism.

Narcissism is a maladaptive coping method of high Iq aspies.

They think they are never wrong, you are. Their parents let them rage, never have consequences, lie, never apologize, and every mess up was excused and blamed on others - the teacher, the boss, the confusion from so and so.

Never got diagnosed, never looked into the pattern of symptoms, never opened their eyes at the chronic mistakes and mishaps.

Never got the kid professional help or meds. Instead inflated the kid and built a suit of delusional armor that attacks anyone commenting on anything they did or failed to do. Bullying works.

I believe both are correct and possible. We would need to know more about the broad scope of OP's DH's behavior to even begin to speculate whether this behavior is a manifestation of his narcissism alone, or of narcissism tied to ASD.

Agree this wasn’t necessarily for OP’s long story spouse.

By temper tantrums, emotional deregulation, and mis-perceiving everything as a personal attack and then exploding is common with diagnosed HFA individuals who never got help or parent role modeling socializing and managing or even IDing emotions.

Their parents opted to build a narcissist who could do no wrong, instead of an anxious, depressed HFA person. Neither got professional help or treatment or honest diagnoses

Actually narcissistic personality disorder in the DSM is MUCH more than getting angry when confronted. Autism may be characterized by not understanding how your behavior is perceived or affects others. Narcissism is totally different - it is the pervasive, delusional belief that you are better than others, often characterized by deliberately manipulating others.

https://www.mcleanhospital.org/npd-provider-guide

Anonymous wrote:DW is like this and it drives my DCs and I crazy. Every story goes on and on. If there is a pause and you get up or try to say something, she will inform us she's not done and we are being rude.
DW gets made if you stop paying attention. Sorry but when I ask about your day I don't want to spend the next 8 hours hearing the blow by blow of the entire day. Never ask about my day either

Each person gets 3 minutes to tell about the day.
If someone has an interesting thing to say they can focus on that, or go down the list and say a bit about each.

You can handle that.
She can handle that.

Why? Because it’s fair. Fair to ask you to listen. Fair to ask others to talk and share. Fair to ask her to listen.

He has two bad habits.

Monopolizing the speaking time- with family or everyone?

Playing the victim when asked something or receives a suggestion.

Tell him about both, suggest therapy by w third party.

DW is like this and it drives my DCs and I crazy. Every story goes on and on. If there is a pause and you get up or try to say something, she will inform us she's not done and we are being rude.
DW gets made if you stop paying attention. Sorry but when I ask about your day I don't want to spend the next 8 hours hearing the blow by blow of the entire day. Never ask about my day either

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I went up and apologized to DH for talking (whispering) to DS about serving him seconds while DH was telling story. He’s pissed and “apologized” for being “so boring” and “making everyone listen to such terrible stories.” I love him and we have a very strong marriage but I’m so over this and will be sleeping in guest room. His dad used to do this too. Corner someone, talk forever about something boring, and if you said, “excuse me my kitchen is on fire,” he’d think you were incredibly rude for interrupting. Sigh.

Look, if you are tiptoeing around your husband and whispering to your child to serve him seconds and he is “pissed” because he can’t continue to hold court, I don’t believe for a second that the whole problem is him being genuinely hurt. In actuality that reaction sounds passive aggressive and manipulative. I mean you seem to love your husband, God bless you for it. He’s a lucky guy that you’re sticking by him, as this behavior sounds…challenging.

Our rule is that you are allowed to interrupt if it's time sensitive. So if we're driving and we'll be past the thing by the time the story is over, you can interrupt. If you need a napkin at the table, you can interrupt. Your husband sounds rigid. And boring.

My dad told me when I was about 12 years old “there are people who need to tell you every detail of a story and then there are people like you and me who can cut to the chase. Don’t interrupt the people who need to tell you all the details because they will just start the whole story over.”

I honestly consider it some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten. Not because I think I cannot interrupt my long winded husband. But because it made me realize that there really are two types of people on this topic. I think of this advice when dealing with friends, family and coworkers. I have an employee who works for me that can be a way better employee if I can listen to her for a while — even though it pains me. Same with my husband.

The reality is that your husband (and mine sometimes) need direct feedback on when to cut down on the details. And if my husband got mad when we did things like get seconds at dinner, I would lose my mind. My husband isn’t a narcissist. He is a lovely man who is a talker — he connects with people by providing details.

Your husband needs to realize that while he might not be capable of continuing to listen while dishing out some mashed potatoes from the next room, you can and the kids can.

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. DH is neither a narcissist nor autistic. He did not yell or rant. He was upset, but mostly very hurt. He would never want to be boring and would (now does) feel very worried to think he is.
I apologized for hurting his feelings. I did not apologize my actions per se bc I don’t think I was wrong but I also didn’t intend to hurt his feelings.

Because he in fact is. The sooner he realizes these long drawn out stories are boring everyone around him the better. You're doing him no favors by blowing smoke up his a$$ and apologizing. He needs to either realize he's boring and be ok with people leaving or change his demand for full attention.

How old are your kids that they haven't revolted yet? I'm guessing they're not teens yet.

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. DH is neither a narcissist nor autistic. He did not yell or rant. He was upset, but mostly very hurt. He would never want to be boring and would (now does) feel very worried to think he is.
I apologized for hurting his feelings. I did not apologize my actions per se bc I don’t think I was wrong but I also didn’t intend to hurt his feelings.

You apologized?

He should be thanking you for the basic etiquette tips.

Did HE actually say he didn’t want to be boring and now is worried, or are you just surmising that?

He likes to hold court. Is he a know-it-all, always right, narcissist?

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. DH is neither a narcissist nor autistic. He did not yell or rant. He was upset, but mostly very hurt. He would never want to be boring and would (now does) feel very worried to think he is.
I apologized for hurting his feelings. I did not apologize my actions per se bc I don’t think I was wrong but I also didn’t intend to hurt his feelings.

If he pontificates as you describe, then someone (you) needs to tell him the truth about his "conversation" style. It's ok that he is hurt and it's ok that he is worried about being boring and monopolizing dinner conversation. That is an appropriate concern for him.

The kids are counting the days until they are old enough to have solo activities to get them away from the dinner table. The spouse is counting the days until the kids are out of the house because she is following them out the door. The husband will be shocked, shocked at how his family has suddenly turned on him.

He needs to read that paragraph and learn how to read the room before it becomes his reality.

Anonymous wrote:This is my husband - either when I’m captive (long car ride, dinner, sitting in my office) or when I’m in the middle of something else. He gets pissy if he’s interrupted, even if there’s an urgent matter, but has no problem interrupting other people.

It’s not autism - it’s being a selfish jerk. You know how I know? He doesn’t do it with people outside the family.

This is our house, too. Ask a simple questions and DH tells these long stories, he must get in all the details before we get the simple one-word answer, and gets so mad if we ask him to cut to the chase. But feels no compunction about interrupting any of the rest of us. But somehow manages to check it for work.

Rude.

I’m OP. DH is neither a narcissist nor autistic. He did not yell or rant. He was upset, but mostly very hurt. He would never want to be boring and would (now does) feel very worried to think he is.
I apologized for hurting his feelings. I did not apologize my actions per se bc I don’t think I was wrong but I also didn’t intend to hurt his feelings.