Anonymous
Post 01/15/2024 19:26     Subject: DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
It would be really nice if your DH would be willing to join you once a year as a supportive husband, but alas, it sounds like he's not willing and I fear that if you "force" him to, it could backfire as soon as something goes sideways with your parents. (Which seems reasonably likely.). That would only make things worse ("see, I told you so.")

I'd recommend you go solo with the children for short visits.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2024 19:05     Subject: DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
Anonymous wrote:I feel like you are not sharing enough details.

If he's had a problem with them since dating, what is the issue? What type of "spats" do they get into?

I feel like it's entirely possible you're downplaying their awfulness. But it's also possible your DH is a jerk himself and you're downplaying that too. (and definitely possible that you are downplaying your role in the dysfunction).

A couple of things stick out to me -
1. they are elderly and he is outright refusing. That is a pretty hard line. Which means it was either really bad, or he is a jerk who can't suck it up for you for 3 days.
2. It didn't seem to occur to you to go and leave kids with him. Do you all just do everything together, or will he be pissy if you leave 1-3 of the kids with him for 3 days?

So something doesn't quite add up.


Agree.

I have the latter situation. An ahole husband who pisse off everyone we stay with. Then he gets angry when they point out big issues he caused, slips the Victim Switch and “refuses” to visit them again.
Yet before that they said he’s not welcome in their house if he’s going to yell and argue at 8am with an old woman trying to help him use and appliance he broke. ODD much?
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2024 19:03     Subject: DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
Anonymous wrote:Since we started dating, DH has always had a problem with my parents. FWIW, I've always had a problem with them, too. They're unpleasant, fearful, judgmental and have narcissitic tendencies that I believe are a cover for breathtaking insecurity. I do understand why they are who they are and it's not worth completely cutting them off. They've always needed therapy and they will go to their graves without seeking it. I accept that.

That said, at this stage of my life, I know they enjoy being grandparents and I can tolerate them in small doses and manage short visits, let's say 3-4 days staying at a hotel (they live a plane ride away). We have not visited them in three years because our kids are small, have been hard to travel with and DH loathes visiting my hometown, and did I mention he has a problem with them? I get it, he doesn't like them, he's even had awful spats with them. If they dropped dead tomorrow he wouldn't shed a single tear. Alas, they're getting very old and I'd like to visit a few times over the next year or two to bring the kids by, let them see where i grew up, collect some of my belongings at their house, and see an old neighbor or two still there I've always liked. I am not suggesting we crash there for a week or more and blow our vacation time there. Again, I'm saying 3-4 days at most. That's all we can handle and it will spare us long visits from them. I know it wouldn't be so bad and DH and I would be able to leave the kids with them, go away to a nice hotel for a night or two and try to turn it into something positive.

Unfortunately, he's not supporting me on this. I'd really like him to come with me and make the best of it as I've done for him with his family (they're nowhere near as confrontational and socially awkward as mine).

Am I in the wrong to want him to come on a few trips with me and the kids (and help manage them) before my parenst end up in a nursing home or die? We can afford 1-2 trips per year for the next few years, so money is not an issue.



You are not in the wrong.

Everyone can be an adult and see each other once a year.

Take turns visiting, or just you go with the kids. No one should be starting obvious arguments. No one should be taking everything personally and starting arguments either. Start fresh and be civil.

If someone wants to start fights, sit back, be kind, and see who actually is starting the fight. Or taking the bait. Or super stubborn and lacking empathy. Maybe it’s your folks AND your husband. Maybe they both need to grow up. Starting now.

JUST NOD AND SMILE, then go home and do whatever you want.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2024 18:56     Subject: DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
I feel like you are not sharing enough details.

If he's had a problem with them since dating, what is the issue? What type of "spats" do they get into?

I feel like it's entirely possible you're downplaying their awfulness. But it's also possible your DH is a jerk himself and you're downplaying that too. (and definitely possible that you are downplaying your role in the dysfunction).

A couple of things stick out to me -
1. they are elderly and he is outright refusing. That is a pretty hard line. Which means it was either really bad, or he is a jerk who can't suck it up for you for 3 days.
2. It didn't seem to occur to you to go and leave kids with him. Do you all just do everything together, or will he be pissy if you leave 1-3 of the kids with him for 3 days?

So something doesn't quite add up.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2024 17:30     Subject: Re:DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
How old are each of the kids? Can you find a friend to come along, or bring a sitter? Sounds like your sister will help also?
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2024 17:16     Subject: DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ask your husband to come with you to help with the kids/travel but don't ask him to come to your parents. He can hang out in the hotel room or drop you off at your parents and poke around during the day.



I think this is a fair compromise.

I will add my love for my spouse is greater than any dislike I have for my in laws. Do I'd go stick it out and bite my tongue


Ah, the old 'if you really loved me you'd.....'

If OP's DH doesn't enable your trip to the IL's, he must not love her as much as he dislikes them. I'd turn this around and say that OP's love for her DH should be greater than her conditioning to please her horrid parents.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2024 17:06     Subject: DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
Anonymous wrote:Ask your husband to come with you to help with the kids/travel but don't ask him to come to your parents. He can hang out in the hotel room or drop you off at your parents and poke around during the day.



I think this is a fair compromise.

I will add my love for my spouse is greater than any dislike I have for my in laws. Do I'd go stick it out and bite my tongue
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2024 15:55     Subject: DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
Anonymous wrote:Since we started dating, DH has always had a problem with my parents. FWIW, I've always had a problem with them, too. They're unpleasant, fearful, judgmental and have narcissitic tendencies that I believe are a cover for breathtaking insecurity. I do understand why they are who they are and it's not worth completely cutting them off. They've always needed therapy and they will go to their graves without seeking it. I accept that.

That said, at this stage of my life, I know they enjoy being grandparents and I can tolerate them in small doses and manage short visits, let's say 3-4 days staying at a hotel (they live a plane ride away). We have not visited them in three years because our kids are small, have been hard to travel with and DH loathes visiting my hometown, and did I mention he has a problem with them? I get it, he doesn't like them, he's even had awful spats with them. If they dropped dead tomorrow he wouldn't shed a single tear. Alas, they're getting very old and I'd like to visit a few times over the next year or two to bring the kids by, let them see where i grew up, collect some of my belongings at their house, and see an old neighbor or two still there I've always liked. I am not suggesting we crash there for a week or more and blow our vacation time there. Again, I'm saying 3-4 days at most. That's all we can handle and it will spare us long visits from them. I know it wouldn't be so bad and DH and I would be able to leave the kids with them, go away to a nice hotel for a night or two and try to turn it into something positive.

Unfortunately, he's not supporting me on this. I'd really like him to come with me and make the best of it as I've done for him with his family (they're nowhere near as confrontational and socially awkward as mine).

Am I in the wrong to want him to come on a few trips with me and the kids (and help manage them) before my parenst end up in a nursing home or die? We can afford 1-2 trips per year for the next few years, so money is not an issue.



You aren't in the wrong with the bolded being key - he needs to support you as you've supported him in these visits as far as helping with the kids. Caveat is that this works/applies until the youngest is 4. 5, tops.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2024 15:48     Subject: DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's hard to know how to view this. On it's face, I think your DH should do this for you-- they are your parents. OTOH, their past behavior and treatment of you/your DH/your kids really matter. I can imagine scenarios where I would totally team DH on this.

So. It sounds like you and DH are at an impasse, and traveling alone with 3 kids, one with SNs isn't really doable. You said you wanted to make 3 trips. What about you visiting with one or two kids at time?


OP - that’s an option I’ve been considering. It may be the best way to go. DH not showing up will irk them and yeah, give them more reason to dislike him, but he could care less. They’re from a background where you just do certain things for family because it’s family. So yeah, I may just try to go without him and make it palatable for myself and the kids.

Which you are also doing. Which is what you are teaching your children to do. Do you not see the cycle continuing?

Anyways, I like the ideas already listed, but I would also not hesitate to stay at a hotel. 20m is not very far. Even better if theres a hotel pool for the kids to play in and burn off some energy in a boring-ass town.

I think the hotel is going to be the only solution that might get your husband there. He can go visit once, and stay at the hotel with your SN child or go tour around separately.

Another idea, are your parents willing to travel to you? Paying for 2x plane tix and a hotel is probably still less than 5x tix to visit them. But that depends on them. My ILs are in their late 70s and still travelling so ymmv.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2024 15:05     Subject: DH dislikes my parents and will not visit them with me
Ask your husband to come with you to help with the kids/travel but don't ask him to come to your parents. He can hang out in the hotel room or drop you off at your parents and poke around during the day.