We have 3 kids under 7. What has made it work for us is that both DH and I have flexible WFH jobs; DH's is mostly WFH with 2 days in the office, while mine is fully remote (and not likely to change anytime soon). My job is not very demanding and I am easily able to duck out and do a school pickup, then return home and put in some additional hours at night if needed. The younger two are in daycare, while the oldest is in K. Drop offs and pick ups can be a pain, but DH and I have a system for alternating those. My job allots more PTO, so I'm usually the one taking a day of leave if a kid is sick, has to go to the doctor or dentist, etc. I also make time throughout the day to do chores like laundry, floor mopping, and cleaning the bathrooms; DH handles all the yardwork, car maintenance, and home improvement projects. I usually cook dinner and make enough for 6 servings, so we'll usually have leftovers we can tap into later in the week.

I fully concede that things would be very different if DH and I did not WFH and we didn't have flexible jobs. We are very fortunate in that regard.

We have 3 kids (10, 8 & 6) and 2 FT jobs. HHI is ~$400K & both jobs are flexible in their own ways, but involve 50ish hours a week (about 2/3rds outside the home). We have an au pair & the kids' DCPS ES is easy walking distance. We handle to morning logistics so that our au pair can sleep in & resents our night/weekend requests less. She works for 30 minutes-1 hour after we get home so that we can do one-on-one time with each of the kids.

Kids' activities are coordinated to the extent possible & no one plays a travel sport (only 1 might eventually head in that direction & we will attempt to dissaude/delay as long as possible). They also do as many of their activities as school as possible & we're lucky in terms of what their school offers on that front. I would say that our kids do more than an average number of activities though, just because they enjoy them.

Our friends see a lot of their friends, but I still curate as much as possible. Playdates/hang outs with our friends & their kids or with families who have 2 kids that line up with ours. Our 9 year old is the tension point on this, obviously, but luckily she has friends who are willing to have her to their house & pick her up/drop her off if that's what we need to make it work. (DH works on the weekend a fair amount, so we have logistics issues.) We reciprocate but it's like 1 at ours for 2 elsewhere; we try to balance it by having ours be more involved adventures that we can plan in advance/include multiple kids' friends in.

My "spare" time is spent being very involved in my kids' school so that my "hobby" overlaps with seeing them/making school better for them. I am very type A/good at running events, so this works for me. Also, it means I have made lots of good friends in the kids' school community, which helps us have a solid village in place. We don't have any grandparent help at all (they are mostly very far away & the closest aren't healthy enough to really help anyway), so the village is important.

We do travel, but there's more driving to a rental house 3-4 hours away than would be my ideal. It's getting easier now that the kids are older to do more than that... but obviously quite expensive. We do take one big international trip a year. Also, both DH & I travel for work a few times a year, so sometimes that scratches the itch. Both of us will tack on a day or two if the trip is to somewhere cool; no guilt from the other attached. We just started taking the older kids on 1-on-1 local city weekend trips once/year and it was a good introduction.

Anonymous wrote:It gets harder not easier when the kids move beyond the little kid years with 3 kids. Even if they do a few modest activities, the evenings are a lot of driving and juggling when they are older. I found three kids under 6 easier than three kids from 6-11 or 8-13, etc. I don’t have a teen driver yet, so maybe that makes things easier again.

We do travel, but it gets expensive since many things are organized for a family of 4. We still shoehorn all 5 of us into one hotel room but it you had enough money you could just get two hotel rooms. You can’t take a cruise unless you upgrade to a suite because they have a limit of 4 per room, etc. You can still travel a lot but you have to manage the 5th person problem.

We also had an au pair when the kids were little so that some of the kids could stay home instead of being dragged to the older kids’ events and activities, which helped a lot. Without one, the youngest kid would have lived in the car outside his brothers’ activities.

Weekends are pretty much kid-focused. When we had the au pair we tried to do a weeknight date night every week after work and after kid activities. Neither of us have any real hobbies that take up a lot of time away from the kids.

I have laid out the challenges, but we love having three kids and the challenges are worth managing for us. It won’t be that many years until they are gone and we can spend more time on ourselves.

+1 This resonates a lot for me-- 3 kids w/ 2 working parents and so much of this is true for us. Lots of logistical challenges (not often easily navigated) but worth managing

I actually don’t find it all that challenging. But I don’t live in the DC area and, at least on dcum, it sounds like families are way busier, over scheduled, and competitive than I am or want to be.

We had three in almost exactly four years which, looking back, was pretty crazy. But when they were young we were blessed with great Nannies. Back then remote work didn’t exist so after baby number 2 arrived I started my own business with an in town office so my days were really from 9-4 or so and I could take them to pediatrician appointments. We had a house cleaner once a week but my husband did all the yard work on weekends. Except for early Saturday morning tennis for my husband, we didn’t have any other activity except kid care. No book clubs, poker night or any of those things. Every 2-3 weeks we’d get a baby sitter and meet up with friends but we were very home centric. Travel was very family focused which was fine because our parents had homes near beaches for both summer and winter travel. Our kids were all healthy and happy so no SNs. My husband and I are both pretty chill people so we handled the craziness pretty well. We also never let two careers and three kids get in the way of a very active love life. While parenting was all consuming, sex was always a priority.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Theee kids that are 9,11 and 13. I agree with the PP who said it was much easier to manage when they were 1,3 and 5. The schedule was more set and they were in daycare and kindergarten. The crazy schedule we have now is because we allow them to participate in activities. It could be just as calm schedule wise if we’d said no to everything and they just came home from school like they did at 1,3,5. Two play travel sports and the other plays a different rec sport each season.

We enjoy the activities and they love them. As a result, our travel is pretty much to family (none local) and for sports. Yes, we have to divide and conquer a lot and it it is chaotic. We have to prioritize what’s most important to us and can’t do it all.

The people I know with 3 kids (of similar ages of mine), appear to have it “together,” and checking off your boxes, have local family that provide a lot of support. They help with before/after school care, shuttling kids and being able to take 1 for the weekend all 3 have activities at the same time.

3 kids and 2 careers. We are in our 30s and had kids close together. We have a nanny 45 hours/week because our kids are not in daycare (pk, preschool a few mornings a week, and the youngest is too young for preschool). I am remote, we have a cleaning person every other week, yard work is outsourced, and we are very type A and kids are smart, healthy, and temperamentally easy to manage. We have a strong relationship and are emotionally balanced so parenting is not chaos for us. We are very devoted to each other and our family. Our kids do sports and playdates and we never miss a birthday party. We also travel regularly and do date nights. No local family and only occasional family help.

We’re planners and very organized. Our house is exceptionally clean, we workout daily, we do lots of kid enrichment, we focus a lot on our careers. You need to be good at letting go of habits and things that don’t serve you and taking care of yourself mentally and physically so you can be present. Also, having money helps a lot.

"Our kids do sports".... Could you please describe the sports schedules of your pre-k, preschooler, and toddler child?

Sure- my four year old does tennis once a week and swimming once a week (swimming since 2 and tennis since 3). She is also in gymnastics once a week and we’re signing up for some weekend field hockey clinics in the spring at her private school (it’s social and sports). My preschooler (28 months) does gymnastics once a week and swimming once a week. I’m not trying to imply my children are training for the Olympics, but they do activities. Next year they’ll each do two during the week (the four year old will drop gymnastics). I played sports in college and have very active kids who are social and sports are an easy outlet for both.

We live in a very walkable area and swimming and tennis are both less than a mile away/5 minute drive.

I’m another mom of 3 in a walkable area. I can’t emphasize how much this helps. My kids can walk to some of their sports practices (we live close to several parks with sports fields). They can walk to school and friends houses. Even when driving everything is incredibly close by and we are surrounded by families within our neighborhood to carpool with (dense area means there’s not much driving out of the way). Also sports games seem to be scheduled based on locality.

The only time we do any meaningful driving is to birthday parties that are booked at a venue further out in which case I look at the invite list to carpool or plan errands out that way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know with 3 kids complains constantly.

Interesting. I have 3 and feel like I’m so hyper aware of this type of thinking (from this site) and that obviously I chose to have 3 (as in no surprise twins). So I almost feel like I can’t ever complain. I suck up a lot because I know I have exactly what I wanted and not everyone gets their preferred family size/spacing.

I only discuss the juggle with other parents of three who also have young kids. I think there is this idea that you can’t complain or ever feel stressed about anything that’s perceived as good or something you wanted. That binary thinking doesn’t serve anyone. Being a parent is hard and stressful and an adjustment and it’s okay to have periods of struggle. It’s normal and it’s not isolated to parents of three or two or one. It’s similar to complaining about a profession you chose. You can complain about being an accountant and still feel satisfied with your choice and career. As a parent of three, I never hear anyone complain about having three kids. You may be like “oh, I feel like an Uber driver” but no one is ever like “I can’t believe I did this! What was I thinking!”

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kids operate as well resourced orphans. That works for easy calm kids, not for wild kids.

I have a different take. I think I am less able to helicopter & micromanage them so it’s better for their personal growth.

I agree with this to an extent. In a healthy way you can’t obsess as much. On the other hand by your third you know a lot more (you can see around the corner because you’ve done it with other kids) and are much more confident. You know the activities and summer camps that will work, you know to send them in with snow pants before it snows, you know who to reach out to in order to sign them up for the weekend field hockey clinics or Girl Scouts or whatever. You know the preschool teachers, the head of the preschool, the most convenient birthday venues, fun activities that help with fine motor skills, which swim teacher is the best, etc etc

This is a great point. There is sort of an “economy of scales” with kids. Figuring this all out with the first kid was the hardest. I had never babysat or really been around kids much when I became a mom. It was not at all what I expected. And the logistics felt crazy.

Whereas with #3 we were on the priority waitlist at preschool as a returning family. We also get priority returning camper links for summer camps. If I’m packing turkey sandwiches for lunch what is the difference between making 1, 2, or 3 (except omg our grocery bill!). We have a Costco membership now

Also we keep hand me downs for all the big stuff like snow suits, snow boots, expensive sporting equipment etc. The family pool membership is only slightly more expensive with a third kid vs. 1 or 2. Healthcare premiums are the same for a family of 3 vs 5 etc.

The one place that is harder is the logistics of travel (that could be its own thread) but we’d likely be getting the kids a second room as they age anyway.

So 3 is harder, but not 3x as hard as having 1 kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Theee kids that are 9,11 and 13. I agree with the PP who said it was much easier to manage when they were 1,3 and 5. The schedule was more set and they were in daycare and kindergarten. The crazy schedule we have now is because we allow them to participate in activities. It could be just as calm schedule wise if we’d said no to everything and they just came home from school like they did at 1,3,5. Two play travel sports and the other plays a different rec sport each season.

We enjoy the activities and they love them. As a result, our travel is pretty much to family (none local) and for sports. Yes, we have to divide and conquer a lot and it it is chaotic. We have to prioritize what’s most important to us and can’t do it all.

The people I know with 3 kids (of similar ages of mine), appear to have it “together,” and checking off your boxes, have local family that provide a lot of support. They help with before/after school care, shuttling kids and being able to take 1 for the weekend all 3 have activities at the same time.

3 kids and 2 careers. We are in our 30s and had kids close together. We have a nanny 45 hours/week because our kids are not in daycare (pk, preschool a few mornings a week, and the youngest is too young for preschool). I am remote, we have a cleaning person every other week, yard work is outsourced, and we are very type A and kids are smart, healthy, and temperamentally easy to manage. We have a strong relationship and are emotionally balanced so parenting is not chaos for us. We are very devoted to each other and our family. Our kids do sports and playdates and we never miss a birthday party. We also travel regularly and do date nights. No local family and only occasional family help.

We’re planners and very organized. Our house is exceptionally clean, we workout daily, we do lots of kid enrichment, we focus a lot on our careers. You need to be good at letting go of habits and things that don’t serve you and taking care of yourself mentally and physically so you can be present. Also, having money helps a lot.

"Our kids do sports".... Could you please describe the sports schedules of your pre-k, preschooler, and toddler child?

Sure- my four year old does tennis once a week and swimming once a week (swimming since 2 and tennis since 3). She is also in gymnastics once a week and we’re signing up for some weekend field hockey clinics in the spring at her private school (it’s social and sports). My preschooler (28 months) does gymnastics once a week and swimming once a week. I’m not trying to imply my children are training for the Olympics, but they do activities. Next year they’ll each do two during the week (the four year old will drop gymnastics). I played sports in college and have very active kids who are social and sports are an easy outlet for both.

We live in a very walkable area and swimming and tennis are both less than a mile away/5 minute drive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Theee kids that are 9,11 and 13. I agree with the PP who said it was much easier to manage when they were 1,3 and 5. The schedule was more set and they were in daycare and kindergarten. The crazy schedule we have now is because we allow them to participate in activities. It could be just as calm schedule wise if we’d said no to everything and they just came home from school like they did at 1,3,5. Two play travel sports and the other plays a different rec sport each season.

We enjoy the activities and they love them. As a result, our travel is pretty much to family (none local) and for sports. Yes, we have to divide and conquer a lot and it it is chaotic. We have to prioritize what’s most important to us and can’t do it all.

The people I know with 3 kids (of similar ages of mine), appear to have it “together,” and checking off your boxes, have local family that provide a lot of support. They help with before/after school care, shuttling kids and being able to take 1 for the weekend all 3 have activities at the same time.

3 kids and 2 careers. We are in our 30s and had kids close together. We have a nanny 45 hours/week because our kids are not in daycare (pk, preschool a few mornings a week, and the youngest is too young for preschool). I am remote, we have a cleaning person every other week, yard work is outsourced, and we are very type A and kids are smart, healthy, and temperamentally easy to manage. We have a strong relationship and are emotionally balanced so parenting is not chaos for us. We are very devoted to each other and our family. Our kids do sports and playdates and we never miss a birthday party. We also travel regularly and do date nights. No local family and only occasional family help.

We’re planners and very organized. Our house is exceptionally clean, we workout daily, we do lots of kid enrichment, we focus a lot on our careers. You need to be good at letting go of habits and things that don’t serve you and taking care of yourself mentally and physically so you can be present. Also, having money helps a lot.

"Our kids do sports".... Could you please describe the sports schedules of your pre-k, preschooler, and toddler child?

Sure- my four year old does tennis once a week and swimming once a week (swimming since 2 and tennis since 3). She is also in gymnastics once a week and we’re signing up for some weekend field hockey clinics in the spring at her private school (it’s social and sports). My preschooler (28 months) does gymnastics once a week and swimming once a week. I’m not trying to imply my children are training for the Olympics, but they do activities. Next year they’ll each do two during the week (the four year old will drop gymnastics). I played sports in college and have very active kids who are social and sports are an easy outlet for both.

My friends have 4, each spaced two years apart. Both parents work.

They live in a very walkable neighborhood, and they have a lot of money.

I would also add that they are lucky in that all of their 4 kids are neurotypical kids who do well in school with very little intervention.

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know with 3 kids complains constantly.

Interesting. I have 3 and feel like I’m so hyper aware of this type of thinking (from this site) and that obviously I chose to have 3 (as in no surprise twins). So I almost feel like I can’t ever complain. I suck up a lot because I know I have exactly what I wanted and not everyone gets their preferred family size/spacing.

I think it depends on how far apart the 3 kids are spaced.

We have 3 kids and 2 FT careers. The way we make it work is by having very flexible telework jobs (I am fully remote and DH goes in like 1-2x/month). We set our own hours so we can stagger to make things work and not need crazy before/after care hours.

We also had a 5 and 8 year gap when #3 came along. So our older 2 were fully independent as far as potty training, being in school, entertaining themselves for longer periods of time, being able to do drop off play dates and activities, etc. Props to those who can handle 3 under 3 or even have them all within a 5 year period, but that is not us at all.

No family help, but we did have a nanny for a while with #3 and are willing to pay for a sitter to stay home with one kid while taking the others to do stuff. This mostly helps with getting 1:1 or 2:2 time with the older ones and not having to drag the youngest everywhere or disrupt his nap schedule. Our kids do a ton of activities that we are involved in coaching/volunteering. It’s sometimes insane and I wonder how we do it, but we just keep going.

Also cleaners every other week, outsource lawn care, live in a walkable area to avoid sitting in traffic, and we coordinate carpools with other families (we 100% so our share of driving kids around and hosting friends at our house before someone throws out the typical accusation that we must be mooching off others).

Bottom line is you need a combination of money and/or flexibility with a sufficient ability to manage some level of chaos and things not going to plan.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kids operate as well resourced orphans. That works for easy calm kids, not for wild kids.

I have a different take. I think I am less able to helicopter & micromanage them so it’s better for their personal growth.

+1

There’s a lot out there about overparenting and anxiety. It’s not helping raise happy kids.

I’m trying to reject the mentality that the purpose of having kids is to reproduce or better my status. I know my kids may struggle. Life is likely to get harder over the next two decades. It’s still a gift.