Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bring her home and have her start a local job. Make an appointment with her primary care doctor, and with a therapist. Keep trying out jobs it until she finds something that sticks, there are plenty of jobs that do not require degrees. She can go to community college in a year or two after she matures and has her mental health under control. This is not the end of the world.

Completely agree with this sound advice.

Lol I laughed hysterically at this advice. You don’t just wind up a kid in the position of OP’s daughter, find her a job, find her a therapist etc. You’re assuming there will be compliance and chances are there won’t be. Then the issue is how do you handle non-compliance? Do you throw her out? I hardly think so.

We raised four kids, and three went straight on to the traditional successful trajectory. The fourth, who objectively is the brightest, did terrible in high school and suffered from depression, anxiety, you name it - although not ADHD. She took a gap year, which was a waste of money, then got admitted to a respectable state college entirely because of her ridiculously high SAT score. It took her I don’t know how long to get out, seven or eight years? But she finally did, with barely a 2.0. We never saw her grades, but continued paying tuition, because we thought it was better for all concerned if she did not live at home.

She floundered for quite a bit after graduation before eventually maturing, voluntarily seeing a therapist on her own initiative, and getting into - believe it or not a graduate program. She recently finished up and is now very gainfully employed and fully supporting herself in a job that really suits her and that helps others. So there is hope, but to me what is really required is a whole lot of empathy, understanding, and most of all support and patience. None of this bullshit “crack the whip” or “come up with a plan and stick with it” stuff. It’s just going to backfire and ruin your relationship. It’s time to accept the fact that your child is now an adult, and it is up to them, not to you, to fix them.

You sound so kind. /s

I'm the previous poster, and what I posted helped my son when he failed out.

He needed more time. He needed support, but not to be hand held or babied. He got out of his depression and really leaned into his job. He recently started community college (age 21). He pays, then we reimburse him for Bs and As. It's working. He has goals, a stable 40 hour a week job, and really is a different person in two years. 19 (assuming age of most college freshman) is still so young. There is plenty of time to have failures, regroup and build a great life.

I don't have enough money to pay for failing classes or paying rent for him just so that he's on his own.

If he hadn't complied with therapy and a full time job, the alternative plan was to have him move in with my brother in the Midwest. My son decided he would rather stay here. It was his choice. Our relationship slowly healed itself.

Yea different strokes for different folks. The thing is, we never judged her or got angry at her for her situation because we knew she didn’t wish it on herself anymore than we did. So there was no “planning” involved. And, yes, we have money, but she was in a state school.

I will say, she never actually failed out of college. She was on academic probation more than once, I believe, and I still remember one time I called the registrars office at the college, and while they made clear that they could not discuss her grades with me, I said to them “I am picturing a situation where a student is enrolling in five classes at the beginning of a semester, dropping one or two before the deadline, then failing one and passing two.” And the registrar responded (probably illegally) “you know a student very well.”

So we are seriously talking about seven or eight years to get a degree, including summer school ha ha. And we just paid the tuition and rent.

Several years later, she got herself into a graduate program (one of those programs where the prestige of the school doesn’t matter) on a provisional basis because of her checkered academic record, aced everything, graduated with honors, and started a fulfilling job at a beginning salary of nearly $80k. The program she selected was all her doing - literally no input from us - and to make things better she even paid her own tuition thanks to the generous Covid unemployment benefits of a few years ago. All of this with no damage to the parent /child relationship and no “healing “ required.

Anonymous wrote:This was me and, spoiler alert, I’m a doctor now who completed undergraduate, a masters program, medical school, and residency.

I was sleeping through classes and couldn’t function because of ADHD and depression and anxiety. I “failed” out, but we were able to work with the university that I could come back after receiving mental health treatment and showing that I was taking classes (I took a couple at a community college).

One thing to caution - please don’t put a crazy amount to pressure or shame on your child. My parents did and I had such a hard time getting back on my feet. When I was ready to launch again, they were very reluctant to let me go. In fact, they told me I couldn't. I went (and so happy I did) but our relationship has never been the same.

Is there anything you wish you or your parents and teachers did early on to better prepare you? Or was it just eventually time and maturity?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bring her home and have her start a local job. Make an appointment with her primary care doctor, and with a therapist. Keep trying out jobs it until she finds something that sticks, there are plenty of jobs that do not require degrees. She can go to community college in a year or two after she matures and has her mental health under control. This is not the end of the world.

Completely agree with this sound advice.

Lol I laughed hysterically at this advice. You don’t just wind up a kid in the position of OP’s daughter, find her a job, find her a therapist etc. You’re assuming there will be compliance and chances are there won’t be. Then the issue is how do you handle non-compliance? Do you throw her out? I hardly think so.

We raised four kids, and three went straight on to the traditional successful trajectory. The fourth, who objectively is the brightest, did terrible in high school and suffered from depression, anxiety, you name it - although not ADHD. She took a gap year, which was a waste of money, then got admitted to a respectable state college entirely because of her ridiculously high SAT score. It took her I don’t know how long to get out, seven or eight years? But she finally did, with barely a 2.0. We never saw her grades, but continued paying tuition, because we thought it was better for all concerned if she did not live at home.

She floundered for quite a bit after graduation before eventually maturing, voluntarily seeing a therapist on her own initiative, and getting into - believe it or not a graduate program. She recently finished up and is now very gainfully employed and fully supporting herself in a job that really suits her and that helps others. So there is hope, but to me what is really required is a whole lot of empathy, understanding, and most of all support and patience. None of this bullshit “crack the whip” or “come up with a plan and stick with it” stuff. It’s just going to backfire and ruin your relationship. It’s time to accept the fact that your child is now an adult, and it is up to them, not to you, to fix them.

DP. My brother with undiagnosed ADHD and depression could have used the structured approach recommended by pp. My parents took the hands-off approach you are advocating. He never regained his footing after flunking out. It's been one temp job after another and he ended up living at home the rest of his life. No degree, no career, no permanent relationships--complete failure to launch. Some adult children need more support than others to launch themselves.

We didn’t take a “hands off” approach in the slightest. Our approach was, as I said, support, empathy, understanding and endless patience. If your brother ended up as bad off as you say, that’s on him and not his parents. Like I say to all of my kids, I’m not taking credit for their successes - nor blame for their failures.

Sounds like she isn’t ready for college. I would keep her at home with a part time job paying rent to me (that maybe I give back eventually as a deposit but not promise that now) and enrolled in local CC.

I just went through this except for my DD went off to college without actually enrolling, got pregnant, and almost died.

It was scary, it took a lot of time, but now she’s working full time, and school full time(her choice tuition is covered.)

I flew down their packed up her stuff, let her stay with a relative until she healed, and handled the whole situation with pure kindness because she was going through a lot mentally/physically even though their were SO many lies. Once she was able to come up I got her into therapy, she tested out of her freshman year (CLEP) so she was back on track, and she got a year long internship that promoted her into a full time role before finishing her program. I told her this would only work if there were no more lies between us, and how I handled the situation is proof that I can be trusted further.* Silly I know but that was one of the biggest hurdles, she should’ve told us about everything going on at school because we could’ve helped her sooner and it almost cost her life.

I held her hand through majority of it:

-I applied with her to jobs I thought she’d be a great fit for.

-I really held her hand during the college enrollment process because she required a ton of extra paperwork, and not going through traditional processes.

-I sat down with her to help her find a therapist she’d like talking to in those moments she wouldn’t want to talk to me going forward. And honestly this is my shortcoming there are some things she did I can’t talk to her about/help her through.

- Financially we have meeting weekly going over what was spent/saved and what goals she has in regards to a car/housing when she moves back on campus. We also touch on scholarship/grant progress.


Some kids need it more than others, I give her freedom by letting her proceed with the above tasks now herself. She’s made a mistake here or there but nothing that she can’t recover from.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The military is a good option.

Not with her depression.

Agree. I don't know why people think the military is a panacea for floundering young adults with mental health problems. It takes a hell of a lot more resiliency and stamina to just get through boot camp, let alone be successful in an environment that demands self-sacrifice and synchronized teamwork.

I agreed but do wish there was some sort of therapeutic program that was kind of boot camp and teamwork-oriented verses the victim mentality individualistic framing.

If she was ADHD diagnosed that’s usually disqualifying nine times out of ten. Most recruiters wouldn’t even send her to the floor.

Many students struggle early in their life. Agree with the good advice to ensure care for mental health issues. I know at least a few kids who left with significant issues requiring in-patient care and some with less severe challenges. I am pleased so many are back on track with school, life or independent living. Good luck to you and your family!

Anonymous wrote:I work in higher ed and this is A LOT of students these days. If being home isn’t the right place for her, have you considered talking to the school about whether she could return and what kind of support they can offer?

Poster above, what do you think is going on from your POV that is making kids so depressed? I see it around my kids but don't know what to believe about the root causes are. Based on the media reports, it's helicopter parenting, social media, and the pandemic...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bring her home and have her start a local job. Make an appointment with her primary care doctor, and with a therapist. Keep trying out jobs it until she finds something that sticks, there are plenty of jobs that do not require degrees. She can go to community college in a year or two after she matures and has her mental health under control. This is not the end of the world.

Completely agree with this sound advice.

This^^

I work in higher ed and this is A LOT of students these days. If being home isn’t the right place for her, have you considered talking to the school about whether she could return and what kind of support they can offer?

If she has depression issues, there are therapeutic residential programs that assist a young adult in taking classes, but getting the help they need. Don't know if she is at that point, but for others maybe?

My child had depression issues. I won't go ibto details, but community college has been 5he answer for now. President's list this semester and almost done with two years of classes! Will transfer to four year school next year. Take the foot off the gas, reassess, address needs and let go of expectations.

OP, I just saw this thread and thought "did I start this thread?"

My DD started a good university in fall of 2022, large respectable public school (think ranked in the 50-75 range.) She also had a respectable SAT score which got her a scholarship too. We were so proud of her, she was so proud of herself. But, she was product of mcps during covid, when they were handing out A's. We knew it was going to be touch and go, but were hoping for the best. She had accommodations (many schools do, for extra test time and private test taking place) but she took advantage of none. DH and I made decision of no hand holding.

She started school and had below average first semester. 1 A, 1 B, 1 C, and 1 D (of course the D was in a four credit class and the A was in a one credit class). She also dropped one class. She simply wasn't turning in the work. Came home, said she would try harder second semester.

She got sick early second semester and was out for a week and just blew off everything from there. Was completely overwhelmed, came home. I had her on find my friends and she literally would be in her dorm all weekend. She did have friends, by the way, and even joined a university dance team.

Came home. Said to her you need to either get a full time job, or go p/t to MC and work part time. During the summer of 2023, she just regrouped, and got a full time job at a summer day camp. She loved it. It got her outside and with her peers. Come fall, she registered for MC, and got a part time job. No car for her. She busses to work and school when I can't drive her, and she kind of likes the bus.
Also, we are making her pay for MC. If she gets a B or above, we reimburse her. First semester she got an A and a D. She insists she still wants to try for a four year degree.
Everything is OK now, she is meeting some people at p/t work and now has a boyfriend, which has really helped her mental health.
Anyway, it's not the end of the world. Our DD also has add and mild depression. She is happier when she is busy, I think college was wayyyyy too much free time. Good luck.

What year is she? When I was in college my grades were okay, but I hit a point midway where I was so burnt out and depressed I wanted to drop out. My parents talked me into staying in, but I scaled back my course load to the bare minimum, picked up an elective of interest that wasn't in my major, and got a job working two days per week. It was the right decision at the time. Changing her routine and environment to be generally less stressful, while still working towards her goals, is the key. I would encourage the community college / part time job route if this were my child. An alternative to a part-time job might be an ongoing volunteer position.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The military is a good option.

Not with her depression.

Agree. I don't know why people think the military is a panacea for floundering young adults with mental health problems. It takes a hell of a lot more resiliency and stamina to just get through boot camp, let alone be successful in an environment that demands self-sacrifice and synchronized teamwork.

I agreed but do wish there was some sort of therapeutic program that was kind of boot camp and teamwork-oriented verses the victim mentality individualistic framing.

I have a friend who failed out of college, an HYPS, which made it even more shameful. He had to take a semester off to retake the classes he failed. He did this in a pleasant location where he had been interning over the summer and continued his internship (i.e. he did not move back home). He passed the classes and came back and graduated, albeit with a low GPA. He was in pre-med classes that he really didn't want to take (son of immigrants, lots of pressure to be a doctor but really didn't want to be one). Had taken a lot of drugs and alcohol to deal with the pressure. He was great at the things he was interested in and showed brilliance at times, enough to get good letters of recommendation for grad school. Twenty years later he's extremely successful in his field. He just had to ditch what his parents wanted for him and pursue his passion. I promise this is not the end of the road for your child! What fires your child up? What does she want to do? Let her decide and try that out.