Anonymous
12/26/2023 09:48
Subject: My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
9:45 again and I know my family talks about me. They tell me! They complain how I’m a tyrant and not fun. I don’t fly frequently to meet them for their fun outings (because I’m working and busy with life) and I’m always too serious. I don’t like at this as bashing me, I tell them someone in the family has to be a grownup.
Anonymous
12/26/2023 09:45
Subject: My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Anonymous wrote:Op here- I read text because I wondered how she was telling my brother about their visit and the independent living places we toured. I did want to see what they were saying about me. I confess to that.
A year ago, I helped her set up Uber and a text from my brother popped up while I was setting it up- critism of me- I was really caught off guard. So I could see text string she had sent to him first and it was asking him to weigh in on something about me. I was hurt but I know they favor him. They have him the executor of their estate- the power of attorney - etc. I accepted that as old school thinking about a son. Although we are equally accomplished professionally and personally.
But some other comments from him are entirely dismissive of me- and just unnecessary. So it is a sensitive issue. So I did want to see how she discussed this visit.
I’m literally helping them to tour retirement places- hosting them as we usually do for every holiday- he of course had only asked/ invited them for Xmas but once in 25 years.
So just hurts my feelings- but in more mature aspect, that’s not a situation I want- to help guide them and do the heavy lifting while my brother has critical analysis of everything I do based on her asking for his opinion!
I’m going to be a little harsh here, but the biggest lesson you got is to stop reading her texts. You sound like little kids arguing and snooping over who gets the most attention.
My parents are much closer to my two other siblings. It’s not a secret. They live by one and talk incessantly about the other. I am not even offended by any of this anymore. But when it comes time to make real decisions about their medical or financial future, I’m the one they call. They know I’m the most level headed in hard situations even though we aren’t the closest. Maybe that’s you and why they want to live near you and not their son. It’s up to you to decide if you are okay with this type of relationship.
Anonymous
12/26/2023 09:05
Subject: My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
OP, this is the situation in my husband’s family. My DH is the one traveling out of his way to help his mother with almost everything. One sibling is close to her but often unavailable because of his own issues and wife’s family, the other lives far and comes home once a year. I’m fed up after Christmas when they were both there and suddenly my DH (and us) were the ones getting little digs about what we WEREN’T doing. I see through it all - the other two can’t be bothered most of the time, I think she sees it, and so she grasps at what she can get. I see why she does it, but it still pisses me off so I’ll be taking a break from visits for awhile. My DH can keep putting himself in that position on his own.
Anonymous
12/25/2023 16:49
Subject: My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Anonymous wrote:I had an older brother who I constantly bail out financially.
I found out about an insulting conversation he had about me with our cousin.
An older and declining health Aunt accidentally shared with me when she was mentally confused.
I was not invited to a family reunion they had held.
I immediately communicated to cousin what support I had been providing to brother including significant $$ that apparently he used a small part of to travel to the family reunion. I wanted him to know just how he got there.
Then I shared with brother I would no longer provide any "help" to him and told him not to contact either me or my family going forward.
Suddenly, many members of Aunt's family and my brother made attempts at reconciliation. My brother said and I quote "you need to let go of your anger about this".
I immediately cut off all contact with brother, Aunt, and Aunt's family. Its been 4 years now and sticking up for myself and family has been the best decision I've ever made.
In this case if she is mentally declining she probably thought your brother would tell you about the reunion. That’s kinda all on him
Anonymous
12/25/2023 16:30
Subject: Re:My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op - can you give an example of how they are “ripping on you” Asking for a second opinion is valid. There is nothing wrong with saying “Layla thinks we should get a house with one bathroom, but I feel like we need two, what do you think”. Versus “Layla is giving us crazy advice, like always”
You may be reading more into the texts because you already feel like your parents like your brother more.
If the texts are truly insults, I fully support suggesting they move near your brother.
+1
Is it saying genuinely negative things about you, or talking about you? There is a difference…
But really? If these things make the OP feel that she does not want to care for her mother, that's all that matters. She's allowed to be hurt that her mother is writing messages that are negative about her to her brother when she is the one who actually shows up. And it's reasonable and rational that she then change their relationship. She is not obligated to sit around and be treated poorly.
But was she being “treated poorly”
Really think about how often you have spoken/texted to one person about another person. Ever talked to one friend about another? A sibling about a parent? Your spouse about anyone?
Do you think you were treating someone poorly by doing so?
What? They were insulting her, that’s why she felt she was being treated poorly.
Read what OP actually wrote. They weren’t “insults”. They were about her, but not insults.
Anonymous
12/25/2023 16:25
Subject: Re:My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op - can you give an example of how they are “ripping on you” Asking for a second opinion is valid. There is nothing wrong with saying “Layla thinks we should get a house with one bathroom, but I feel like we need two, what do you think”. Versus “Layla is giving us crazy advice, like always”
You may be reading more into the texts because you already feel like your parents like your brother more.
If the texts are truly insults, I fully support suggesting they move near your brother.
+1
Is it saying genuinely negative things about you, or talking about you? There is a difference…
But really? If these things make the OP feel that she does not want to care for her mother, that's all that matters. She's allowed to be hurt that her mother is writing messages that are negative about her to her brother when she is the one who actually shows up. And it's reasonable and rational that she then change their relationship. She is not obligated to sit around and be treated poorly.
But was she being “treated poorly”
Really think about how often you have spoken/texted to one person about another person. Ever talked to one friend about another? A sibling about a parent? Your spouse about anyone?
Do you think you were treating someone poorly by doing so?
What? They were insulting her, that’s why she felt she was being treated poorly.
Anonymous
12/25/2023 16:17
Subject: Re:My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op - can you give an example of how they are “ripping on you” Asking for a second opinion is valid. There is nothing wrong with saying “Layla thinks we should get a house with one bathroom, but I feel like we need two, what do you think”. Versus “Layla is giving us crazy advice, like always”
You may be reading more into the texts because you already feel like your parents like your brother more.
If the texts are truly insults, I fully support suggesting they move near your brother.
+1
Is it saying genuinely negative things about you, or talking about you? There is a difference…
But really? If these things make the OP feel that she does not want to care for her mother, that's all that matters. She's allowed to be hurt that her mother is writing messages that are negative about her to her brother when she is the one who actually shows up. And it's reasonable and rational that she then change their relationship. She is not obligated to sit around and be treated poorly.
But was she being “treated poorly”
Really think about how often you have spoken/texted to one person about another person. Ever talked to one friend about another? A sibling about a parent? Your spouse about anyone?
Do you think you were treating someone poorly by doing so?
Anonymous
12/25/2023 15:38
Subject: Re:My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op - can you give an example of how they are “ripping on you” Asking for a second opinion is valid. There is nothing wrong with saying “Layla thinks we should get a house with one bathroom, but I feel like we need two, what do you think”. Versus “Layla is giving us crazy advice, like always”
You may be reading more into the texts because you already feel like your parents like your brother more.
If the texts are truly insults, I fully support suggesting they move near your brother.
+1
Is it saying genuinely negative things about you, or talking about you? There is a difference…
But really? If these things make the OP feel that she does not want to care for her mother, that's all that matters. She's allowed to be hurt that her mother is writing messages that are negative about her to her brother when she is the one who actually shows up. And it's reasonable and rational that she then change their relationship. She is not obligated to sit around and be treated poorly.
It’s triangulation which is not something that happens in healthy families.
Anonymous
12/25/2023 15:31
Subject: My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Stop inviting for Christmas.
And for gods sake, do not move them near you. My husband’s ungrateful parents moved near us (into a house we pay for) and it’s a total nightmare. We literally found the house (it’s the nicest place they’ve ever lived) and pay everything and all they do is criticize us. No interest in our kids, just nonstop nasty complaints. And they need to go to assisted living and will not even discuss it. It’s horrible.
Who held a gun to your head and forced you to buy a house for ingrates? That’s all on you and your husband.
I just hope that you also own the house. If not, stop paying for it now.
Anonymous
12/25/2023 15:30
Subject: Re:My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op - can you give an example of how they are “ripping on you” Asking for a second opinion is valid. There is nothing wrong with saying “Layla thinks we should get a house with one bathroom, but I feel like we need two, what do you think”. Versus “Layla is giving us crazy advice, like always”
You may be reading more into the texts because you already feel like your parents like your brother more.
If the texts are truly insults, I fully support suggesting they move near your brother.
+1
Is it saying genuinely negative things about you, or talking about you? There is a difference…
But really? If these things make the OP feel that she does not want to care for her mother, that's all that matters. She's allowed to be hurt that her mother is writing messages that are negative about her to her brother when she is the one who actually shows up. And it's reasonable and rational that she then change their relationship. She is not obligated to sit around and be treated poorly.
Anonymous
12/25/2023 15:24
Subject: My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Anonymous wrote:Stop inviting for Christmas.
And for gods sake, do not move them near you. My husband’s ungrateful parents moved near us (into a house we pay for) and it’s a total nightmare. We literally found the house (it’s the nicest place they’ve ever lived) and pay everything and all they do is criticize us. No interest in our kids, just nonstop nasty complaints. And they need to go to assisted living and will not even discuss it. It’s horrible.
Who held a gun to your head and forced you to buy a house for ingrates? That’s all on you and your husband.
Anonymous
12/25/2023 15:21
Subject: My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
It is often that people will take advantage of the family member that they know unconditionally loves them, while pining for getting love from the other family member with whom’s love is questionable.