My husband died unexpectedly last year when my daughter was 7. She of course went to father’s funeral and she’s ok from it. I honestly think your daughter will be fine

My son has been to a few funerals. They're mostly very boring for him. Most recent one, he and another little boy played together before and after the service while the adults chatted. But the service itself is a lot like sitting quietly for a dull church service.

Only one of them was open casket and I didn't make him view the body.

We are weird about death. In denial about our own mortality. We’d all be better off if we could talk more openly about it without being judged for being morbid or for being a downer. In facing death we have the opportunity to create a more meaningful life and for experiencing joy in the every day little moments as well as the bigger moments.

Anonymous wrote:Have you heard that young adults are unwilling to drive, leave home, etc? This is why.

We shelter them from the real world. My child attended a funeral at 5 years old for a very good friend to both of us who died in a car accident. They need to see and understand grief. This isn't something that should be hidden.

Trust me, my family is a gold star family during Vietnam. The hidden grief absolutely rotted my family. No one would talk about it.

You are swinging from one pole to the other here. That kind of swinging itself is not healthy and so no I don’t trust you about it.

Have you heard that young adults are unwilling to drive, leave home, etc? This is why.

We shelter them from the real world. My child attended a funeral at 5 years old for a very good friend to both of us who died in a car accident. They need to see and understand grief. This isn't something that should be hidden.

Trust me, my family is a gold star family during Vietnam. The hidden grief absolutely rotted my family. No one would talk about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is the thing, it is important to your husband that she attends, that the family attends, so you all go. What is the worse that could happen? She cries? Ok, comfort her. Please support your husband and be a team.

+100 This isn’t about your daughter. You both should be supporting your husband. She’ll be fine.

+1. DD needs to suck it up and support her dad. It isn't about her.

No sane parent is relying on a 7-year-old for emotional support, and if they are, they have terrible judgment. That is totally inappropriate and would be frightening to a small child. There are plenty of thoughtful reasons to want a child to experience a funeral but that should not be on the list.

I disagree. My kids know they need to think outside themselves. I had them at my parents’ funerals. I wasn’t relying on them, but it helped me knowing they were there. They played with their cousins. They have good memories of it and it’s opened up conversations about death that make it not scary. It’s part of life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is the thing, it is important to your husband that she attends, that the family attends, so you all go. What is the worse that could happen? She cries? Ok, comfort her. Please support your husband and be a team.

+100 This isn’t about your daughter. You both should be supporting your husband. She’ll be fine.

+1. DD needs to suck it up and support her dad. It isn't about her.

No sane parent is relying on a 7-year-old for emotional support, and if they are, they have terrible judgment. That is totally inappropriate and would be frightening to a small child. There are plenty of thoughtful reasons to want a child to experience a funeral but that should not be on the list.

Funerals are to help those who are grieving. She is dealing with her own grief. I think you should ask her what she wants. She might want to visit the funeral home before the funeral for a quiet goodbye, attend the memorial service, and/or graveside service, or might prefer to skip the whole thing and focus on the happy memories of her grandmother.

Funerals can be really intense, and dealing with her loss doesn’t need to be compounded by a traumatic experience if she’s not up to it.

Anonymous wrote:The death of a grandparent is most kid's first introduction to death. Of course she's sad and upset - that's appropriate and healthy.
Participating in your family and cultures mourning is also appropriate and healthy.
If you go as a family and get to hug other people who also loved grandma, and share happy memories of her, and cry together, she gets to process death and learn about it and also learn that she has a family that will support each other when things get hard.
If she doesn't go, she will learn that death is such a scary and terrible thing that it's too big and awful to even talk about or experience. Whatever vision of a funeral she conjures in her mind will surely be worse for her than actually experiencing a funeral.

Also, the "weddings and funerals" trope is there for a reason - I actually have several very fond memories of seeing cousins and other family at various funerals. It's an important life long connection for her.

18:32 upthread here. This is catastrophizing all-or-nothing thinking. She can not attend and it can not inevitably culminate in this relationship to death. Very silly projection.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is the thing, it is important to your husband that she attends, that the family attends, so you all go. What is the worse that could happen? She cries? Ok, comfort her. Please support your husband and be a team.

+100 This isn’t about your daughter. You both should be supporting your husband. She’ll be fine.

+1. DD needs to suck it up and support her dad. It isn't about her.

Parents don't get support from 7 year olds. That's absurd.

The death of a grandparent is most kid's first introduction to death. Of course she's sad and upset - that's appropriate and healthy.
Participating in your family and cultures mourning is also appropriate and healthy.
If you go as a family and get to hug other people who also loved grandma, and share happy memories of her, and cry together, she gets to process death and learn about it and also learn that she has a family that will support each other when things get hard.
If she doesn't go, she will learn that death is such a scary and terrible thing that it's too big and awful to even talk about or experience. Whatever vision of a funeral she conjures in her mind will surely be worse for her than actually experiencing a funeral.

Also, the "weddings and funerals" trope is there for a reason - I actually have several very fond memories of seeing cousins and other family at various funerals. It's an important life long connection for her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is the thing, it is important to your husband that she attends, that the family attends, so you all go. What is the worse that could happen? She cries? Ok, comfort her. Please support your husband and be a team.

+100 This isn’t about your daughter. You both should be supporting your husband. She’ll be fine.

+1. DD needs to suck it up and support her dad. It isn't about her.

She’s old enough, but that doesn’t mean she has to go to every part. My then 6 and 8 year olds came to my mom’s funeral but not the interment. Only the service. And there was no viewing or wake. I think they found it valuable in understanding, especially as she’d been having health issues - in and out of hospitals and care facilities - for a year, some of which they had witnessed, and it helped them understand. I also lost two relatives a few months earlier and we didn’t bring them to those funerals and they had a lot more questions around those like where is so and so, what happened.

Fortunately I had supportive friends who could watch them during the service and take them back to my dad’s house to play during the interment. If you don’t, then it’s certainly fine to decide what the child does based on your needs.

Anonymous wrote:Here is the thing, it is important to your husband that she attends, that the family attends, so you all go. What is the worse that could happen? She cries? Ok, comfort her. Please support your husband and be a team.

+100 This isn’t about your daughter. You both should be supporting your husband. She’ll be fine.

Anonymous wrote: OP, I think I would take her-with the understanding that you will take her out if it gets to be too much for her. Have a plan (we will go to the car, the church nursery, a nearby coffee shop) and DH needs to understand that. Let DD know that she can ask to leave at any time needed.

+1 I think this is a great idea for a kid this age. She goes and if (for any reason) it’s too much, you both step out until she is ready to return.