Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 14:02     Subject: Re:DD says she wants a nicer house
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:8 years old?! You don’t need to explain anything. You just say “Larla’s house is really nice, isn’t it? We’re really lucky to have this one, too.” If anything, you could ask “what kind of house do you think you’ll want when you’re a grown-up?”


Yes, this. Both of my kids have commented on their friends' amazing houses. I just join in with them. It would be amazing to have a pool. It's so cool they have an elevator. Yes, their playroom with arcade games is super fun. If they asked why, I just said that their friends had more money to spend on a house. That's not true (except for probably the elevator kid), but saying "we can't afford that" is the quickest and least judgmental way to explain to kids why their friends have something they don't.


I would take a different approach and talk about the dangers of home elevators and home pools.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 13:59     Subject: Re:DD says she wants a nicer house
Anonymous wrote:8 years old?! You don’t need to explain anything. You just say “Larla’s house is really nice, isn’t it? We’re really lucky to have this one, too.” If anything, you could ask “what kind of house do you think you’ll want when you’re a grown-up?”


Yes, this. Both of my kids have commented on their friends' amazing houses. I just join in with them. It would be amazing to have a pool. It's so cool they have an elevator. Yes, their playroom with arcade games is super fun. If they asked why, I just said that their friends had more money to spend on a house. That's not true (except for probably the elevator kid), but saying "we can't afford that" is the quickest and least judgmental way to explain to kids why their friends have something they don't.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 13:53     Subject: DD says she wants a nicer house
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:"I look forward to visiting you someday in a large and beautiful home" That's what I would have said. And that's all.

Imho, it's ridiculous to take what they say so seriously and be embarrassed in any way.


This! Boundaries, op. She is a child. This should be as real to you as if she said she wanted a pet unicorn. She is not an adult. She is a child. You are in charge, not her. She needs you to be the grownup here.


This is stupid and infantilizing. An 8 y/o knows unicorns aren’t real, but sees first hand their friends in larger homes.

The clock is ticking down on your ability to instill values in your kids. The older they get the more they will look to outside sources to color how they view the world.

Older elementary age is the perfect time to have basic, but honest conversations with your kids about stuff like money, sex, puberty, etc.

I don’t think you need to go as far as showing your kids Redfin estimates and your savings account. But there’s nothing wrong with explaining concepts about location affecting real estate costs, that everything in life involves trade offs, etc.


Totally agree with this approach.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 13:37     Subject: DD says she wants a nicer house
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t go into all of that. I’d just say this is the house we want and you look forward to seeing what she chooses when she’s an adult. Definitely no need to talk about how you are just as well off (even richer, in fact!) than all her friends.


We absolutely do not discuss income. At all or in comparison with others.


You should, before your child starts accidentally insulting others for being poor without realizing how lucky and spoiled and lucky she is.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 13:28     Subject: DD says she wants a nicer house
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DD8 has been going to friends houses and many live in very nice houses. We live in an inner suburb with primarily older houses, but she is in an activity where most of her friends live in the exurbs where there are mainly new builds. She goes over to their houses and has started saying she wished we lived in a nicer house like that. Happened again last night.

The spread between what our house would sell for and what theirs would sell for isn’t as astronomical as I’m sure she thinks. We are just in a far more desirable and practical location, making our modest home more desirable.

We bought our house in 2009 for cheap and have re-fi’d a couple times into 2.5% interest rate. Our house would sell for more than double we bought it for, but it’s such a great place to be in to have a small mortgage payment and we will have no payment before she goes to college. It’s financial freedom.

Last night when she said she wished we lived in a nicer house like that, she said she knows we can’t afford it. However, we very much could and then some. We may about $500k a year. The approach I’m taking with DD is very practical to explain why we stay … we have no debt, we can pay for college for her, we can pay for her crazy expensive activity, we can retire earlier, she won’t ever need to help us financially when we are older, etc. Is this too much info for an 8 year old? Would you explain it a different way? She’s pretty mature, so I’ve taken to just telling her how it is with a lot of things recently.


I love picturing OP trying to explain this to her 8 year old.


Op here. I don’t think it’s crazy to mention we bought our house a long time ago when things were less expensive. That’s all I said.


I think that's fine. Some kid at school was bragging that his parents paid 2 million for their house, and my second grader asked me what we paid. I told him not that much, but our house is worth more than what we paid now so it's a really good deal for us. I also explained that Larlo's parents have to pay more per month for their expensive house, and we'd rather use that money for other stuff. He got it.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 13:26     Subject: DD says she wants a nicer house
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think you should ask her if there’s anything she is grateful for about your house. And good time to teach her that comparison is the thief of joy. And that the vast majority of the world barely has clean running water. And then explain how it’s so much more important to donate money to make other people’s lives more bearable than to have the newest and biggest of everything.


No, don’t introduce the fallacy of relative privation.


“Fallacy of relative privation” is not applicable here, as we are not making light of anyone’s situation or trying to diminish OP’s DD’s feelings. We are trying to teach gratefulness. There are studies done on happiness and how to increase happiness, and while many variables are up in the air, it’s clear that people are happier when they actively recall things they are grateful for as often as possible. To do that, you have to teach context and explain why you should be grateful for what we see as “normal” everyday things.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 13:15     Subject: Re:DD says she wants a nicer house
We talk about envy and jealousy with our DD8. And it comes up multiple times a year. I explain that everyone has these feelings sometimes, and even adults struggle with the green-eyed monster.

We talk about how some people have a bigger house than us, and some people have a smaller house than us. Some have more money, some have less. And we talk about how it feels to be jealous and what we can do when those feelings happen.

I don’t think it’s helpful to say things like “we could afford that house but we choose not to.” That makes it sound like your pride has been a bit wounded and you’re justifying your life choices to your child.

I would acknowledge any jealous feelings and talk about them instead. If dcum shows us anything, it’s that how to deal with jealousy is a life lesson that many of us are still learning.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 13:05     Subject: DD says she wants a nicer house
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She sounds well, very spoiled.


Oh c’mon. Even well adjusted adults have fleeting feelings of jealousy. It’s normal, we just have to manage it with some perspective and appreciation of our own blessings.

OP is asking advice on how to help her young DD manage these feelings, which are developmentally appropriate for a child.


DP. I get the sense that OP is asking how to explain it to her so that she (OP) feels better about it, not so much that she’s trying to help her DD manage any kind of feelings.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 12:57     Subject: DD says she wants a nicer house
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow you are insecure. She's eight. Handle it. I grew up in a house with wallpaper peeling off the walls.


Actually not at all. We are very secure. I’m asking the best way to handle it.


Skip the part where you try to impress your kid with your low mortgage rate. Go with: “Different families have different houses, cars, toys, etc. I’m happy we have the ones we have and I bet your friend’s family are happy they do too.”
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 11:58     Subject: DD says she wants a nicer house
I’d just say we’re not planning on moving so work on accepting bring here. We’ll let you know if anything changes.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 11:50     Subject: DD says she wants a nicer house
Anonymous wrote:She sounds well, very spoiled.


Oh c’mon. Even well adjusted adults have fleeting feelings of jealousy. It’s normal, we just have to manage it with some perspective and appreciation of our own blessings.

OP is asking advice on how to help her young DD manage these feelings, which are developmentally appropriate for a child.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 10:32     Subject: DD says she wants a nicer house
She sounds well, very spoiled.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 10:31     Subject: DD says she wants a nicer house
Anonymous wrote:If she's as practical as you think, show her the "zestimate" on Zillow for your inside the beltway house vs the Herndon/Loudoun County houses her riding friends live in. She'll be surprised to see that your home is likely worth far more than her friends' Ashburn homes. I mean, I get it, OP, we moved from inside the beltway to outside and the house we bought is three times the size of the houses we were looking at in our old neighborhood.


You are absolutely delusional omg. How the hell do you think this is appropriate parenting for an 8 yo…
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 10:25     Subject: DD says she wants a nicer house
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:"I look forward to visiting you someday in a large and beautiful home" That's what I would have said. And that's all.

Imho, it's ridiculous to take what they say so seriously and be embarrassed in any way.


This! Boundaries, op. She is a child. This should be as real to you as if she said she wanted a pet unicorn. She is not an adult. She is a child. You are in charge, not her. She needs you to be the grownup here.


This is stupid and infantilizing. An 8 y/o knows unicorns aren’t real, but sees first hand their friends in larger homes.

The clock is ticking down on your ability to instill values in your kids. The older they get the more they will look to outside sources to color how they view the world.

Older elementary age is the perfect time to have basic, but honest conversations with your kids about stuff like money, sex, puberty, etc.

I don’t think you need to go as far as showing your kids Redfin estimates and your savings account. But there’s nothing wrong with explaining concepts about location affecting real estate costs, that everything in life involves trade offs, etc.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 10:18     Subject: DD says she wants a nicer house
Anonymous wrote:"I look forward to visiting you someday in a large and beautiful home" That's what I would have said. And that's all.

Imho, it's ridiculous to take what they say so seriously and be embarrassed in any way.


This! Boundaries, op. She is a child. This should be as real to you as if she said she wanted a pet unicorn. She is not an adult. She is a child. You are in charge, not her. She needs you to be the grownup here.