Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 18:43     Subject: MIL came temporarily but isn't making plans to leave
Anonymous wrote:All these posts saying be confrontation or give an ultimatum doesn't work if you are fundamentally not a confrontational person and the MIL is. You have to outsmart your MIL by doing things she won't like then playing dumb. And by saying no intimate relations in your house with your husband until the MIL is gone because it makes your feel uncomfortable.


No you need to learn how to stand up to a bully. There is a huge difference between thriving and enjoying conflict and being so avoidant of it that you become a victim in your own home. Seek to gain the skills to live in the middle, stand up for yourself but don’t become a monster like your MIL. A therapist or activity that gives you and your husband more confidence might also work. Kick boxing is a start, not that you’ll use it on your MIL but it can make you feel more powerful.

Keep in mind that old people, especially women, use whatever tactic works for them. Your MIL has learned that yelling, screaming and fit throwing works on you and her son. She’ll keep doing this until you say no and hold firm. Remind yourself how ridiculous she is when she Carrie’s on like that, treat her like the toddler she is emulating, ..I would actually laugh in her face.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 18:26     Subject: MIL came temporarily but isn't making plans to leave
Anonymous wrote:All these posts saying be confrontation or give an ultimatum doesn't work if you are fundamentally not a confrontational person and the MIL is. You have to outsmart your MIL by doing things she won't like then playing dumb. And by saying no intimate relations in your house with your husband until the MIL is gone because it makes your feel uncomfortable.


Definitely this. Have some loud wine-soaked girls' nights at home too.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 18:24     Subject: MIL came temporarily but isn't making plans to leave
Anonymous wrote:Buy some large totes. Box up the knick knacks and rugs and put all of that stuff in the garage for her new place. Pull the Home Goods paintings down and stack them in the garage. I hate that junk. IF she asks tell them they are ready to move into her new place.

Tell your husband she has until mid January.

START RUNNING THE VACUUM CLEANER DOWN THE HALL OUTSIDE OF HER BEDROOM DOOR AT 5:00 am, 5:30 am every morning. DO THIS ALSO OUTSIDE OF WHERE YOUR HUSBAND IS SLEEPING. DO THIS EVERY MORNING.

Your husband should be driving her around looking at places. I'd also get him names of extended stay places he can check out.


This! And blast your music and or talk radio loud and all the time you want to.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 16:29     Subject: MIL came temporarily but isn't making plans to leave
Anonymous wrote:Wow. How long have you been married and what culture is your husband from?

This is a husband problem, not a MIL problem.

I would go get a couple of big plastic bins and start putting all of her home decor crap in them.


This x1000. I am so sorry, OP.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 15:39     Subject: MIL came temporarily but isn't making plans to leave
All these posts saying be confrontation or give an ultimatum doesn't work if you are fundamentally not a confrontational person and the MIL is. You have to outsmart your MIL by doing things she won't like then playing dumb. And by saying no intimate relations in your house with your husband until the MIL is gone because it makes your feel uncomfortable.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 15:28     Subject: MIL came temporarily but isn't making plans to leave
Marital therapy will accomplish nothing. OPs husband has chosen his mother over his wife and child. It is time for OP to face reality and make whatever preparation she has to, to leave and divorce him. They are fundamentally incompatible. This will require a lot of financial sacrifice OP so you need a very skilled and aggressive divorce lawyer. It will suck but this is the ONLY way to get.your MIL out of your life. You have to exit her life, which unfortunately means exiting your marriage.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 15:01     Subject: MIL came temporarily but isn't making plans to leave
Pick out three suitable apartments from realtor.com or similar website that are available January 1. Sit your husband down and say: "Here are three suitable places for your mom to go. If she isn't out of this house and in one of these by January 1, I will be, and you will be served with divorce papers shortly thereafter."

Then, follow through. This can't be a bluff.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 14:59     Subject: MIL came temporarily but isn't making plans to leave
Get angry. Allow yourself to be angry about this. Feel comfortable and justified in sharing your anger about this situation. Pack up her stuff and decorate your home as you please.

If she balks, remind her that her short term visit is coming to an end soon. Packing stuff up, rather than settling in is best. Then suggest moving boxes of her stuff to storage.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 14:43     Subject: MIL came temporarily but isn't making plans to leave
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do you guys celebrate Christmas? I would either box her stuff up when you roll out the Christmas decorations, or if it’s too late for that now, I’d box them up afterwards for a fresh start with the new year. I’d tell my husband either she’s leaving in January or I am.

It’s a rare case where you can have two women in one house. This is clearly not working.


OP here, this is maybe one thing that has me more angry than anything - I can't put up any decorations or even the tree because her sh*t is everywhere. I would love to box her stuff up and then put it out with a curb alert, but I am actually terrified of her. She has a terrible temper, and we all walk on eggshells around her. DH is also scared of her, which is why he allows this to go on. I am a very conflict-avoidant person, as having someone shout at me makes me literally shake and feel sick, and I just cannot stand up to her. I know it sounds like I'm a doormat - maybe I am - but I have been made to feel for so many years like I am the problem, and I just need to be friendlier and a better host.

Yes, she is from another culture. (Please don't everyone try to guess, it's not that common and you won't get it.) I am not from that culture, but it's hard to stand up to this stuff when every other person in the family sees me as the problem. And it is a really really big family. I don't want to leave my husband. We have been married 25 years and have a tween, and he's otherwise a great husband, plus financially it's not feasible for me. The fact that he is also unable to stand up to her, and that this puts him in such a bad situation and makes him unhappy, makes me want to be the bigger person and just put up with it for his sake, but there is a limit, and I feel like the limit is not that far away. For the record, this is not the first time she's done this, which is why I suspect it could go on for several more months at least (even though DH keeps assuring me it won't, based on no evidence I can see), which is why I am so anxious.


If you aren't confrontational you have to be passive aggressive and outfox your MIL. For example, you don't like the throw rugs then buy a walking boot and the next time she is out say you tripped on a throw rug and wear the boot for a couple of weeks. If you want to be really sneaky make an appointment with a podiatrist for inserts for your shoes so you actually have a paper trail. Tell the podiatrist you are having some foot or back pain. Now you have an excuse to pack up the rugs.

Take one piece of artwork off the wall when no one is looking and put it in your trunk. Take it to work and throw it away. Then act like you have no idea.

Eat before dinner away from the home using cash and say last time you ate your MIL's meal your stomach hurt so you don't want to eat dinner. Don't join your MIL for a meal. Buy ready made food like cereal or a nutrition bar instead.

Plan a visit to a friend or relative to get out of the house and then when you get back start talking to your husband how you want your relative or friend to visit you so you need to know when your MIL is leaving.

Are these things you could do? If so we can think of plenty of them. This is the only thing that works with my MIL. Being outright confrontational never works.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 11:16     Subject: MIL came temporarily but isn't making plans to leave
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a nightmare. You and DH need to pin down an exit date for her move. There is no reason you should live your life in limbo because of entitled people. She goes not respect you as her needs come first. Keep pushing for a definite exit date!

DH and his mother are in cahoots.


Unfortunately true.

How can you have any respect for a man like this?
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 11:04     Subject: MIL came temporarily but isn't making plans to leave
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Start talking about marriage counselling with your husband. I would even mention it when I thought MIL might overhear.


This. This. This. This.


OP, I just read your update. Wow, just wow. I'd get the name of a marriage counselor. Tell husband that you want to set up a date with a marriage counselor specifically to talk you and husband being on board in getting MIL out of the house. Talk loud and in an area so that MIL can overhear. Make the appointment.

If husband won't go with you, you go solo. Make sure husband knows you are going to the marriage counseling appmt solo.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 10:59     Subject: MIL came temporarily but isn't making plans to leave
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a nightmare. You and DH need to pin down an exit date for her move. There is no reason you should live your life in limbo because of entitled people. She goes not respect you as her needs come first. Keep pushing for a definite exit date!

DH and his mother are in cahoots.


Unfortunately true.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 10:54     Subject: MIL came temporarily but isn't making plans to leave
Anonymous wrote:Start talking about marriage counselling with your husband. I would even mention it when I thought MIL might overhear.


This. This. This. This.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 10:54     Subject: MIL came temporarily but isn't making plans to leave
Buy some large totes. Box up the knick knacks and rugs and put all of that stuff in the garage for her new place. Pull the Home Goods paintings down and stack them in the garage. I hate that junk. IF she asks tell them they are ready to move into her new place.

Tell your husband she has until mid January.

START RUNNING THE VACUUM CLEANER DOWN THE HALL OUTSIDE OF HER BEDROOM DOOR AT 5:00 am, 5:30 am every morning. DO THIS ALSO OUTSIDE OF WHERE YOUR HUSBAND IS SLEEPING. DO THIS EVERY MORNING.

Your husband should be driving her around looking at places. I'd also get him names of extended stay places he can check out.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2023 10:53     Subject: MIL came temporarily but isn't making plans to leave
Start talking about marriage counselling with your husband. I would even mention it when I thought MIL might overhear.