Anonymous
12/02/2023 23:37
Subject: I got yelled at for not buying enough gifts.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would skip out on this Christmas celebration.
This is the only sane answer. Why participate in this charade?
Or if you want to see them for the holiday, arrive after the gift giving orgy in time for dinner. If you’re traveling to them, stay in a hotel and do the same.
Anonymous
12/02/2023 23:35
Subject: I got yelled at for not buying enough gifts.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What does your spouse think?
He also agrees it’s too much but it’s how they celebrate for the holiday.
The main drivers for the over gifting won’t stop, it’s how they like to spend their money. I’ve talked to them directly about it, they’re older, don’t vacation besides to visit family, and no kids. So the extra income gets funneled into gifts.
OK, but you’re married and they’re his biological family. So why is anybody mad at YOU because of “your” gifts? Put your husband in charge. Done. If he doesn’t do it, oh well, that was his choice.
Anonymous
12/02/2023 21:53
Subject: Re:I got yelled at for not buying enough gifts.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I said “H buys for his family, I buy for mine”
Same for thank you notes.
Exactly.
Or: "We are opting out of the gift giving this year. Do not feel obligated to give us gifts as we are not buying any other adults gifts".
My DH was much more on board with paring way down on gift giving once I told him I was not shopping for his family anymore. I stopped caring what we give them, he can spend what he wants (within reason of course) but that I am not managing, wrapping, or contributing mentally to ANY of that. I am a grown up and I can buy what I want, so can they. Why are we all swapping multiple gifts?
Just curious if you actually have used this response before with success. I have tried limiting gifts (to 1) and got treated like a GD lunatic. MIL wrote DH letters, asking "What's wrong with your wife? No one else in the family has a problem with my gift giving. The only other person who ever said anything was Crazy Uncle Al." Uncle Al is the one they like to mock and make fun of every holiday about how pathetic and crazy he is, but they also are the closest with and are weirdly obsessed with him. And then that holiday, we got some weird large check for $1000 that was written out to every member of our immediately EXCEPT me. They got the usual 30 gifts per each grandkid, and 10 gifts for DH.
DP. I met my now DH while we were both posted overseas. We lived together for 2 years before coming back to the DC area where he grew up.
Our first Christmas here together, I experienced what OP described and was stunned. I also felt the weight of judgment because the women in now-DH's family held me responsible for the paucity of gifts from now-DH.
The next year, I told DH that he could tell his family we were making donations in his family's name or he could buy all the gifts. I was not doing it. DH chose donation.
I, of course, was blamed and judged. But, it was worth it. And, importantly, it was just one of many boundaries I had to establish. It wasn't fun or easy but boundaries never are.
It's been 25 years and, in hindsight, was the right thing. Not only have we had some really lean years and couldn't afford much, some years I didn't have the bandwidth to do it.
Anonymous
12/02/2023 21:42
Subject: I got yelled at for not buying enough gifts.
Anonymous wrote:We only do gifts for the kids in my family
Adults don’t need gifts
Winner, winner!!!
Anonymous
12/02/2023 20:35
Subject: I got yelled at for not buying enough gifts.
Anonymous wrote:We only do gifts for the kids in my family
Adults don’t need gifts
Amen!
Anonymous
12/02/2023 18:08
Subject: I got yelled at for not buying enough gifts.
Anonymous wrote:This was such a nightmare with my ex’s family. I stopped buying for them when we weren’t together anymore. I made them freezer meals. Still, they called to complain to me when my ex didn’t give enough or good enough gifts. My family is poor. The ex’s family is rich. I’m not skimping on the things poor people need to give stupid gifts to the rich people.
OMG, I have never thought of freezer meals as a gift for healthy adults (only in the context of childbirth/illness) but this is BRILLIANT. It could come off weird or insulting probably so I can't imagine who I'd give it to, but I'd sure love to receive it!
Anonymous
12/02/2023 17:39
Subject: I got yelled at for not buying enough gifts.
Anonymous wrote:I would skip out on this Christmas celebration.
Agree
Such greed is not nice.
Anonymous
12/02/2023 13:48
Subject: Re:I got yelled at for not buying enough gifts.
If can afford, make it one gift for all and say taking them out to dinner or dessert.
Anonymous
12/02/2023 11:07
Subject: I got yelled at for not buying enough gifts.
Anonymous wrote:The in-laws still gift gifts for every member of the family. This includes non-married partners which amounts to 20 people showing up expecting gifts.
Not just a single gift per-person but some family members get at least 10 pieces per person. They always say they're going to only do Secret Santa for the adults but it just amounts to me showing up with just my secret Santa gift(s) (and gifts for kids.) All day is spent watching everyone open up their gifts one by one, so I'd say it's pretty important to them.
Well last year my mother in-laws boyfriend (of 1 year) got upset that he only got 1 gift from me last year. He ended up gifting every couple a robot vacuum ($350+?) It makes me super hesitant about gifting this year, any advice?
*My 1 gift was not as expensive as the robot vacuum, and was his secret Santa gift. He only put 2 gifts on his Christmas list! Aside from the secret Santa we also did a stocking exchange which is more gifts.*
Run. For. Your. Life.
Anonymous
12/02/2023 11:06
Subject: I got yelled at for not buying enough gifts.
Another DCUM doormat. It’s pathetic.
Anonymous
12/02/2023 10:42
Subject: I got yelled at for not buying enough gifts.
This was such a nightmare with my ex’s family. I stopped buying for them when we weren’t together anymore. I made them freezer meals. Still, they called to complain to me when my ex didn’t give enough or good enough gifts. My family is poor. The ex’s family is rich. I’m not skimping on the things poor people need to give stupid gifts to the rich people.
Anonymous
12/02/2023 08:30
Subject: I got yelled at for not buying enough gifts.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What does your spouse think?
He also agrees it’s too much but it’s how they celebrate for the holiday.
The main drivers for the over gifting won’t stop, it’s how they like to spend their money. I’ve talked to them directly about it, they’re older, don’t vacation besides to visit family, and no kids. So the extra income gets funneled into gifts.
You can do what my hero SIL did when the "Secret Santa" thing became a gift grab - send a note well in advance saying your family budget doesn't allow for the gift exchange anymore. Sorry. Then I'd bring something homemade/handmade/personalized and call it a day.
Or get pregnant so you can have Christmas in your own home forevermore.
Yes the SIL has got it here. Blame it on the family budget (we literally cannot afford multiple gifts for 20 people, we'd have to dip into our savings) and bring consumable homemade stuff. That is the way
Anonymous
12/01/2023 23:17
Subject: I got yelled at for not buying enough gifts.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What does your spouse think?
He also agrees it’s too much but it’s how they celebrate for the holiday.
The main drivers for the over gifting won’t stop, it’s how they like to spend their money. I’ve talked to them directly about it, they’re older, don’t vacation besides to visit family, and no kids. So the extra income gets funneled into gifts.
You can do what my hero SIL did when the "Secret Santa" thing became a gift grab - send a note well in advance saying your family budget doesn't allow for the gift exchange anymore. Sorry. Then I'd bring something homemade/handmade/personalized and call it a day.
Or get pregnant so you can have Christmas in your own home forevermore.
Anonymous
12/01/2023 21:33
Subject: Re:I got yelled at for not buying enough gifts.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I said “H buys for his family, I buy for mine”
Same for thank you notes.
Exactly.
Or: "We are opting out of the gift giving this year. Do not feel obligated to give us gifts as we are not buying any other adults gifts".
My DH was much more on board with paring way down on gift giving once I told him I was not shopping for his family anymore. I stopped caring what we give them, he can spend what he wants (within reason of course) but that I am not managing, wrapping, or contributing mentally to ANY of that. I am a grown up and I can buy what I want, so can they. Why are we all swapping multiple gifts?
Just curious if you actually have used this response before with success. I have tried limiting gifts (to 1) and got treated like a GD lunatic. MIL wrote DH letters, asking "What's wrong with your wife? No one else in the family has a problem with my gift giving. The only other person who ever said anything was Crazy Uncle Al." Uncle Al is the one they like to mock and make fun of every holiday about how pathetic and crazy he is, but they also are the closest with and are weirdly obsessed with him. And then that holiday, we got some weird large check for $1000 that was written out to every member of our immediately EXCEPT me. They got the usual 30 gifts per each grandkid, and 10 gifts for DH.
Yes we managed to reel it in SOME. But what helped my sanity is I stopped buying anything. It became only my DH’s job to buy for everyone on his side. They are all much more tied to it than my family. But I do buy things for my nieces and nephews in my side. Once my DH had to do it alone, he realized one gift per person was plenty. So he does that. Sometimes they are terrible gifts! Sometimes everyone is just buying everyone else something that costs between $50-100 from the Amazon wish list. It’s dumb! I say thank you and am gracious. If the rest of them don’t like my DHs gifts I haven’t heard a peep. But they’ve gradually started doing less gifts. Very slowly.
Anonymous
12/01/2023 21:33
Subject: I got yelled at for not buying enough gifts.
Why do you people keep saying to give to the kids? Do any of these kids actually want for anything? I’d be willing to bet they all have so much crap they’ve run out of places to store it and 90% of it never gets played with. If you want to give to kids donate to an angel tree for foster kids or to Murphs Life doing amazing things for families in Latin America. Most American kids don’t need ANYTHING. Give them $10 gift certificate to an ice cream place or whatever. They’ll be thrilled. Or host a pancake/waffle bar for breakfast for them and have ALL the toppings—sprinkles, whipped cream, chocolate chips, blueberries etc. Make a real memory, not more crap for the landfill.