Anonymous
Post 10/14/2023 09:53     Subject: Move or stay for senior year
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't know that there's a good answer here, but I'm looking for people's thoughts.

We're likely moving for DH's job the summer before DD's senior year. Odds are she won't find a spot in a private school like she's in now, so she would be switching to public. We know the switch would be rough to begin with, but we're really unsure what colleges would think of this, or if she'd even be allowed to take the AP classes she needs for applications.

We've also considered staying put until she graduates. If we stay behind a year and let DH move alone, there are some pretty drastic residency and tax implications. I hate putting money ahead of DD's college future, but it's definitely a consideration for us.

Thoughts?


I didn't read the whole thread, but when we were faced with this my husband didn't end up taking a job that would have put us in this position. I think it's highly dependent on the kid, but overall hugely disruptive and can have lasting effects. Happened to my dad due to a military move and he still talks about how awful it was. Also my college boyfriend and it sucked for him. I have also known families where the kid was on board and was happy, but the move was to somewhere like London so that was an added advantage.

We're a foreign service family and my husband has done unaccompanied tours where we didn't go. While also not ideal, it's do-able and I'd much rather do that if moving the kid is clearly not in the kid's best interest.


Next time read the thread. It’s a military order move. So their choices are moving the kid or having a separated family. There is no easy choice to just keep the status quo.
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2023 08:41     Subject: Move or stay for senior year
Anonymous wrote:I would not move my kid in senior year.
My parents moved in senior year, and it was hard to start a new school with new teachers, new strangers. Hard to make new friends unless the other teens are in your neighborhood.
it's the social impact on your teen that you need to focus on.




!!!
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2023 08:39     Subject: Move or stay for senior year
Anonymous wrote:There are two circumstances in which I'd consider this. 1. If your kid is really unhappy at her school and was advocating for a move/change. 2. If the new location has in-state college options and your kid wants to take advantage of them and is willing to go through some decent upheaval to do that.

Bottom line is that for this one year, it's pretty important to give your kid agency/autonomy over how this plays out.

In your shoes, I'd do everything I could to delay the move (even by six months would make a huge difference) and prioritize my high school senior.


!!!!!
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2023 21:34     Subject: Move or stay for senior year
Anonymous wrote:I don't know that there's a good answer here, but I'm looking for people's thoughts.

We're likely moving for DH's job the summer before DD's senior year. Odds are she won't find a spot in a private school like she's in now, so she would be switching to public. We know the switch would be rough to begin with, but we're really unsure what colleges would think of this, or if she'd even be allowed to take the AP classes she needs for applications.

We've also considered staying put until she graduates. If we stay behind a year and let DH move alone, there are some pretty drastic residency and tax implications. I hate putting money ahead of DD's college future, but it's definitely a consideration for us.

Thoughts?


I didn't read the whole thread, but when we were faced with this my husband didn't end up taking a job that would have put us in this position. I think it's highly dependent on the kid, but overall hugely disruptive and can have lasting effects. Happened to my dad due to a military move and he still talks about how awful it was. Also my college boyfriend and it sucked for him. I have also known families where the kid was on board and was happy, but the move was to somewhere like London so that was an added advantage.

We're a foreign service family and my husband has done unaccompanied tours where we didn't go. While also not ideal, it's do-able and I'd much rather do that if moving the kid is clearly not in the kid's best interest.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2023 20:39     Subject: Move or stay for senior year
Anonymous wrote:Do not move her for her senior year. Is there someone she could live with for that year?


And yes, esp for a family affording private, her interests come ahead of the tax implications.


Plus 1
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2023 20:37     Subject: Move or stay for senior year
How is this a question. Of course she stays at her high school. It’s her only senior year.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2023 20:08     Subject: Move or stay for senior year
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My father refused all offers and pressure to move during my high school years.


His father doesn't have a choice.

I know it's stressful to move in high school. But it'll be financially stressful on us to become residents of the state we live in now and to maintain separate households. It'll be stressful to not see her dad for a year. I can't decide which is worse.


It will be more stressful to change schools. She will be ok not seeing Dad for a year. Put your daughter ahead of your needs, and figure out a way to make it happen.

Most people in this situation would get Dad a cheap apartment for a year, and then stay in your home and sell it after 12th grade.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2023 19:34     Subject: Re:Move or stay for senior year
Op it’s been almost unanimous not to move her which is rare on dcum. I’m sorry this sucks and sounds like you have already sacrificed a lot.

I agree with others though that she should be priority. Her social emotional health NOT her college prospects. She is at a vulnerable time developmentally and like others said, she absolutely will be fine with one parent away for a good part of the year and visiting on weekends. She is in a time of peer focus. She knows her parents love her and are present, she can handle that probably more than removing EVERYTHING. It’s just a different developmental period. If we were talking about a 4 year old the equation is different. But here you need to consider her developmental needs and senior year that is peers, stability, and community.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2023 18:07     Subject: Move or stay for senior year
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would not move my kid in senior year.
My parents moved in senior year, and it was hard to start a new school with new teachers, new strangers. Hard to make new friends unless the other teens are in your neighborhood.
it's the social impact on your teen that you need to focus on.




+1

I would never move a kid for senior year, unless you absolutely couldn't manage it financially. I moved our oldest for 10th grade and I'm glad it was then and not even 11th. You need to build a friend group, get recommendations from teachers, etc and socially your kid deserves the opportunity to enjoy senior year and take the courses they need for college.


+2 Absolutely not to moving for senior year, unless the kid is unhappy in their current school and is all in on wanting to move. It's one year, you suck it up with having dad move first and rent a room/stay in bachelor quarters, whatever the military term is, to prioritize your kid's well-being. Both emotionally and in being well positioned for college applications, moving before senior year is detrimental.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2023 17:30     Subject: Move or stay for senior year
The rest of us have to pay state income tax OP. You can suck it up for 1 year. Jesus.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2023 16:55     Subject: Move or stay for senior year
Do not move your kid senior year if you have a choice! The kid will know no one and that's a rough year to have to start over.

Our family lived apart for 2 years so we would not have to move our senior. We would never do that to her. It was hard enough that we were moving but we were not going to make her move senior year. DH worked at a new job across the country while I stayed back with the senior and younger sibling. It was a challenge logistically but worth it.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2023 16:39     Subject: Move or stay for senior year
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If savings on OP not paying state tax on her income are anywhere close to enough to pay private school tuition then it seems like OP is making a decent salary.


She says private school is 12K.

Regardless, I'm astounded at the lack of preparation and consideration shown to the kid in this situation. Decent parents who really have to go where the job sends them are prepared for this eventuality.


He was supposed to have an additional six months on his current orders which have been curtailed. We're shocked. This set was supposed to take her through graduation.


A change of plans in the military "shocks" you?
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2023 16:25     Subject: Move or stay for senior year
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't know that there's a good answer here, but I'm looking for people's thoughts.

We're likely moving for DH's job the summer before DD's senior year. Odds are she won't find a spot in a private school like she's in now, so she would be switching to public. We know the switch would be rough to begin with, but we're really unsure what colleges would think of this, or if she'd even be allowed to take the AP classes she needs for applications.

We've also considered staying put until she graduates. If we stay behind a year and let DH move alone, there are some pretty drastic residency and tax implications. I hate putting money ahead of DD's college future, but it's definitely a consideration for us.

Thoughts?


I think the family should move or you all stay. Having DH move alone is almost definitely a bad idea for everyone on the personal and $$ sides.
Colleges are used to seeing late moves (parents move all the time as I found out growing up with military friends). Remember when applying early, you don't even have senior grades and even RD won't have a ton of info. It is also easy to explain.


Idiotic response. The kid won't care that much if the father moves away for 6 months to a year. She'll be with her mother, her friends, and the familiar environment of her school. That's what's critical right now.

Early action, early decision (around Nov 1st) and regular decision application deadlines (around Jan 1st) come before the first semester grades are in. However most colleges and universities want to see the grades anyway, as soon as they're formalized by high schools. For acceptances sent by April, those first semester grades will definitely matter! And most will also want second semester grades, although they know that a grade slump is to be expected then.

Fall of senior year, kids needs to keep up their grades AND write thoughtful essays AND control all moving parts of their apps.
It's a ton of stress.

OP and husband really have to brainstorm a way for their daughter to finish the year where she is.



Anonymous
Post 10/13/2023 16:15     Subject: Move or stay for senior year
Anonymous wrote:Do people really believe that a high schooler should be the top priority here when talking about dividing a family? The high schooler probably doesn't even understand what the larger implications of this decision are either (she probably envisions continuity and having everything the same and then having parents just go back to how things were after a year, which just doesn't seem all that likely to happen here). The having one parent stay option is close to a nice and supportive one-year divorce situation for a kid.


Yes, because some of us have lived this, and I can tell you unequivocally that teens are self-absorbed and as long as they're with one caring parent, they don't care that much where the other is, since they know the situation is temporary. It's not that they don't love the other parent. But at that age, friends and familiar situations matter MORE.

And let's not get bogged down in what OP wants. Apparently she's so beaten down she can't even think for herself. What matters this year is the kid, hands down. When my oldest was a junior and senior, he was the priority in the house. It will be the same when his siblings get to that stage. If OP's daughter is like most teens her age, she will prefer to stay with friends and survive college admissions in familiar territory.

This seems like a sad situation where the man of the house has followed his career, wants and needs all his life, and brainwashed his wife to never plan ahead for herself and the kid. The biggest loser is the kid.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2023 16:08     Subject: Move or stay for senior year
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My father refused all offers and pressure to move during my high school years. I did not, and would not, consider moving during my children's high school years. Continuity between 11th and 12th grade is very important, to minimize stress, running after different transcripts, and to ensure all letters of recommendations can be received by colleges/universities before the early action Nov 1st deadline. Typically letters are requested of 11th grade teachers, written at the end of that year, or the summer.

Colleges know that families move, that's not the problem. The College Board doesn't care where she's registered to take her AP exams. Our public school system starts enrolling existing students in next year's courses in January, and sometimes students can't get their preferred courses because they're full. If she can't get into the AP classes she wants, what is the plan? Some of them can be self-studied, others not at all.

I think you're just piling on unnecessary stress on this poor kid. You should have planned better. You can also think about hiring a private college counselor to help you deal with all the moving parts, but their slots for juniors and seniors are minimal (they prefer working with 9th graders).


This is what all decent parents would do, if they aren’t dirt poor or in a national security job or something (if the President comes calling…). Otherwise, nope, that’s an awful way to end your child’s childhood and the last year you’ll have with them. Assuming of course, as a PP said, your child hates their current school and wants to move.


*doesn’t hate their school and does not want to move.


Then you don't move the child. If it's a dream job, and ultimately where your husband wants to be, then he takes the job and you manage with him living separately. Many people do that. You take the financial losses for your kid's sake.