Anonymous
09/18/2023 10:10
Subject: Re:Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
Anonymous wrote:How about settling for a middle ground? I took 3 yrs off work, spent time with kiddos until they started preschool, then I went back to work. I am a CPA and reentry is not hard.
I am also like you, I found staying alone with kids very isolating and had a housekeeper for help and company. I don’t expect many people to understand this but it’s hard for some people.
This is what I’d do in this situation. After a few years you might get bored staying home while kids are at school and need something more challenging. I would definitely quit my job now and try it out. You can afford it and I think it’s a luxury to have the option to spend more time with your kids.
Anonymous
09/18/2023 09:46
Subject: Re:Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.
DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.
In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).
We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.
Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.
We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.
Good luck, OP!
I think this is a great response and would add one thing. The woman (and it’s nearly always the woman) really needs to be ok that the husband got it “have it all”. Professional success and accolades, intellectual stimulation, respect of professional peers and that network, and also the family and kids and all the rewards that brings later in life to have raised kids well in a healthy and happy home environment. Including adult kids who really respect the professional parent and seek that person out for that type of advice exclusively. If you can do this with zero resentment (very possible), it can work out well.
This is a good point. I was not that ok with being the “woman behind the man” who organized the dog grooming and house stuff and kids sports while he got lots of attention for his brilliance. It’s not just that I felt like I had other contributions to make in my own right, but also because living that dynamic over time changed our relationship in ways I did not like.
Anonymous
09/18/2023 09:44
Subject: Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This depends on so many details that I don't think anyone can give you good advice or relevant anecdotes. What is your husband's salary? What is your salary? What is your mortgage? Any debt? Are you willing to make financial sacrifices if needed?
Sorry this is very fair. Husband makes low 7 figures. Around $700k left on the mortgage. No other debt except car payment on one car. Yes, willing to make financial sacrifices or go back to work if needed, just very fearful of not being able to find a job quickly if needed.
I’m confused why you’re worried about finances with a 7 figure income. Is his job unstable?
All 7 figure jobs are unstable or require very long hours, usually both.
Anonymous
09/18/2023 09:35
Subject: Re:Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
Anonymous wrote:NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.
DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.
In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).
We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.
Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.
We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.
Good luck, OP!
I think this is a great response and would add one thing. The woman (and it’s nearly always the woman) really needs to be ok that the husband got it “have it all”. Professional success and accolades, intellectual stimulation, respect of professional peers and that network, and also the family and kids and all the rewards that brings later in life to have raised kids well in a healthy and happy home environment. Including adult kids who really respect the professional parent and seek that person out for that type of advice exclusively. If you can do this with zero resentment (very possible), it can work out well.
Anonymous
09/18/2023 09:18
Subject: Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
We're in a situation where the high earning partner lost his job in his early 50's -- a scenario often raised in these discussions -- but we are still fine financially. ACA helps with health insurance, and with the kind of salary that OP is talking about the family can easily save enough to both retire early. It has been a little bit challenging to adapt to having both of us at home at an earlier than normal age (and I went back to work part-time because of that) but no financial regrets.
Anonymous
09/18/2023 08:45
Subject: Re:Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
Financially, no, I don't regret being a SAHP. There was very little left over of "my" salary after paying for a nanny and maxing retirement savings. I know people will say I should have looked at our combined salaries. I did. I actually earned more than my DH at the time so financially we would have been better off if he had become the SAHP. We felt fine financially on one salary so it wasn't a financial decision to SAH. It was about what I would regret missing the most, career or time with kids. I'm sure I'll never get back to where I would have been in my career if I had continued working, and I wish the world were different in that regard. I do also wish we had more money but the truth is we wouldn't have that much more. We certainly wouldn't have enough to compensate for the extra busy schedule and we would be spending a ton on outside help to maximize the little family time we would have, again leaving very little (if any) $ left as a result of working. So, for me it was a choice between time and money knowing that more of one meant less of the other.
P.S.- Those fearing the need to restart their careers quickly in the event their partner dies should buy life insurance. Actually, both parents should have that, and for the SAHP consider what your partner would need to pay to outsource everything you do.
P.S.- Those fearing the need to restart their careers quickly in the event their partner dies should buy life insurance. Actually, both parents should have that, and for the SAHP consider what your partner would need to pay to outsource everything you do.
Anonymous
09/18/2023 08:25
Subject: Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This depends on so many details that I don't think anyone can give you good advice or relevant anecdotes. What is your husband's salary? What is your salary? What is your mortgage? Any debt? Are you willing to make financial sacrifices if needed?
Sorry this is very fair. Husband makes low 7 figures. Around $700k left on the mortgage. No other debt except car payment on one car. Yes, willing to make financial sacrifices or go back to work if needed, just very fearful of not being able to find a job quickly if needed.
Your husband makes over $1m a year?
Then there is zero, absolutely zero financial reason for you to work. If you are never able to rejoin the work force you will still have a HHI in one year that most make in 10. Even if you divorced 5 years in, you’d be better than most.
Work because you enjoy working, to set an example for your kids, to work your brain. But don’t justify it with finances, that’s just a red herring here.
I agree with the part about if your spouse has been making over $1 million a year for a while and you have a high NW, tons of money in 529s, and a lot in savings and retirement that you will be fine not working. Even more so if your kids are not SN and/or you plan to use public schools. All this said, it’s reasonable to worry about your husband losing his job at some point before he planned to retire and it being difficult for you to find a job having been out of the workforce for a while. I would feel this way even more if I was a high earner. If you contribute $60K to your HHI now that’s not a lot for your family to live on if your husband loses his job but if you contribute $300K+ that could things going (depending on lifestyle choices) if he loses his job.
I agree with going part time, if that’s possible, and saving as much as possible so in the event your husband loses his job you have a lot in savings and aren’t going to be hurt too much if it takes him a while to find a new job.
Both my parents were laid off at from a job when I was growing up so I will never take employment for granted. I’ve also seen a lot of men and women get laid off in their early to mid-50s (I’ve work in tech and finance) and never find another job that is comparable.
Anonymous
09/18/2023 08:06
Subject: Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
Make it your job to manage the finances. Make it your job not to shop the money away. Make it your job to educate your children (skip private). Make it your job to stretch the dollar and you never have to work again. Be Amy Dacyczyn.
I'm pretty sure I took it too far with the 'skip the private'. Let the nanny go at some point or only part time.
Your family makes too much money for you to work a job you don't like. You still need to be smart about it, and do think about working part time at some point. Sitting at home is boring.
I'm pretty sure I took it too far with the 'skip the private'. Let the nanny go at some point or only part time.
Your family makes too much money for you to work a job you don't like. You still need to be smart about it, and do think about working part time at some point. Sitting at home is boring.
Anonymous
09/18/2023 08:04
Subject: Re:Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
Anonymous wrote:NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.
DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.
In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).
We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.
Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.
We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.
Good luck, OP!
Thank you, sane person, for this post.
Anonymous
09/18/2023 08:00
Subject: Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
Anonymous wrote:Yeah, pp I think OP is a little too self-aware.
A $1m - $4m salary does not warrant this question. Gee, OP, save $2m next year and you'll be fine. Live in a joint property state.
+1 I posted earlier that pp should work 2-3 more years then quit. Build up enough savings to cover a catastrophe. $2-3M should be enough to cover a period of unemployment for her husband, divorce, or other big ticket costs. Then she can quit without worrying about it.
Anonymous
09/18/2023 04:10
Subject: Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
I am a data point of one, but here goes: I stayed home almost without a second thought because my earning potential was “too low” to justify childcare. Fast forward three years and I was a trailing spouse in a foreign country without any meaningful capacity to develop a career, whilst being financially abused and cheated on by a husband who was very, very aware of my powerlessness.
I took out a high limit credit card to leave. Six years later and I’m in a good financial spot - I got a masters degree and started a professional career - but am now filing for bankruptcy (because I couldn’t pay back my cc monthly charges in full, I just stopped paying - stupid, but I was on welfare and making $1000 a month so…). I’ve also amassed about $50k on student loans so I could get the additional degree, which I absolutely consider to have been necessary in order for me to start making real money quickly after years of being a SAHM. This is of course not mentioning the tens of thousands of dollars I had to essentially beg, steal, and borrow to pay for divorce attorneys, as my husband fought for custody (and won).
This is a cautionary tale. And before the legions of victim blames come in saying “not my husband!” Well…I never would have thought my ex-husband would have done these things to me either.
I’m remarried and there is no way in hell I would ever, ever risk my own financial independence again. But that is me.
I took out a high limit credit card to leave. Six years later and I’m in a good financial spot - I got a masters degree and started a professional career - but am now filing for bankruptcy (because I couldn’t pay back my cc monthly charges in full, I just stopped paying - stupid, but I was on welfare and making $1000 a month so…). I’ve also amassed about $50k on student loans so I could get the additional degree, which I absolutely consider to have been necessary in order for me to start making real money quickly after years of being a SAHM. This is of course not mentioning the tens of thousands of dollars I had to essentially beg, steal, and borrow to pay for divorce attorneys, as my husband fought for custody (and won).
This is a cautionary tale. And before the legions of victim blames come in saying “not my husband!” Well…I never would have thought my ex-husband would have done these things to me either.
I’m remarried and there is no way in hell I would ever, ever risk my own financial independence again. But that is me.
Anonymous
09/18/2023 02:22
Subject: Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
^^^and to directly hit your point, we are fine financially. Maybe could have more with the two incomes, but I don't think we needed the extra $ as much as we needed a SAH presence for our kids.
Anonymous
09/18/2023 02:18
Subject: Re:Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.
DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.
In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).
We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.
Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.
We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.
Good luck, OP!
DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.
In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).
We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.
Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.
We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.
Good luck, OP!
Anonymous
09/18/2023 01:26
Subject: Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
NP and I haven't read all the responses but my immediate reaction is OF COURSE there is regret when considering financial downside. But the question I have to ask myself is whether my decision to be the one at home with my kids--particularly during their first five years--rather than outsource childcare is something that I feel was worth the investment, so to speak. And for me my answer is yes, it was worth it to me. AND yes, I still have some material envy related to those who made a different choice when I fall into the trap of comparing our standards of living. Mostly it's big house envy. Still wouldn't change it. But it doesn't mean I don't have to remind myself to have gratitude for the fact that I had those years that I wanted. And FWIW I'm sure those who made a different decision are satisfied with their choice as well. It's not a contest. But you just make the best choice for your family that you can and if you are in a position to make either choice, then continue to choose to appreciate that you were able to make the choice you wanted.
Anonymous
09/18/2023 01:03
Subject: Re:Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No. No regrets that I spent time with my kids and they have done well in life. And I am a frugal person, living in a nice house in an average neighborhood and my kids went to public schools and state flagships - so I do not need a whole lot of money. I have a happy marriage and my DH makes a decent amount of money upwards of $400K.
I have enough for our needs and some wants too.
BUT if I won the lottery, I would fly everywhere in business and first class. I hate travelling in cattle class, especially flying for 20 hours in cattle class. I am too old for this crap!!!
Your post seemed sane until you mentioned that your husband makes over 400 goddam thousand dollars a year and you can’t figure out how to fly business or first class.
DCUM posters, a serious question: what in the actual hell do you guys do with all your money?
Np
At 3x that income we would not consider first or business class either. I also dream of having enough to buy those tickets. Maybe we should cut back on housekeeping but that wouldn't make a dent in paying so much for flights. We travel far and often but those seats would equal a vehicle for our family of four. We've over splurged on hotels though.