Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not do what most married couples do and get a condo in this area and then get a house down there and spend half the time in each place? You could even each live in one and see each other sparingly?

That was an option pre-pandemic. But these days? Prices in decent locations in Florida are just as much as this area. And 7% mortgages makes buying two properties pretty much unaffordable. It's not clear that they would even clear underwriting on two properties, given that OP's husband is semi-retired and likely playing some tax games.

+1

I can't believe the blithe posts airily recommending this couple have two properties. Privileged talk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have what I would describe as an unequal relationship with my husband of 20+ years. He has always been the dominant one and has pressured me a lot over the years to agree to things I didn’t want to do. These included buying an expensive house; using an inheritance I received to pay for a home remodel; and now, he is pressuring me bigtime to sell this house and move 1000 miles away.

I do NOT want to move but I’ve gone along with it because he wears me down with his arguing, pleading and guilt-inducing statements. Now we are at the point of getting ready to put the house on the market and I want to vomit. I don’t want to move. I don’t think I even want to spend the next 20 years with him. When I think of a happy future, he’s not in it.

I have to tell him tonight that I don’t want to move, and this is going to lead straight into what’s probably going to become a divorce conversation. I don’t feel ready to tell him this but I am now backed into a corner. I have no time to find a therapist where I could deliver the news in a neutral setting.

Any advice on how to stand up to him and have this conversation? I’m so anxious I can hardly breathe.

Be a reasonable adult and dissolve this partnership amicably to part ways. Find an attorney and file for divorce. You don't need a therapist to hold your hand, ask PCP to prescribe an anti anxiety medication for this phase of life. You can rent a furnished studio until you guys sell house and then buy a condo of your own.

That being said, do know that grass isn't greener on any side so make a logical decision not an emotional one triggering by sale and relocation.

I’m already on several anti anxiety meds because being around him stresses me out so much. As for delivering the news in a therapist’s office, it’s not “hand-holding.” It’s probably the only way I can do it. This isn’t a reasonable, calm person we’re talking about here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have what I would describe as an unequal relationship with my husband of 20+ years. He has always been the dominant one and has pressured me a lot over the years to agree to things I didn’t want to do. These included buying an expensive house; using an inheritance I received to pay for a home remodel; and now, he is pressuring me bigtime to sell this house and move 1000 miles away.

I do NOT want to move but I’ve gone along with it because he wears me down with his arguing, pleading and guilt-inducing statements. Now we are at the point of getting ready to put the house on the market and I want to vomit. I don’t want to move. I don’t think I even want to spend the next 20 years with him. When I think of a happy future, he’s not in it.

I have to tell him tonight that I don’t want to move, and this is going to lead straight into what’s probably going to become a divorce conversation. I don’t feel ready to tell him this but I am now backed into a corner. I have no time to find a therapist where I could deliver the news in a neutral setting.

Any advice on how to stand up to him and have this conversation? I’m so anxious I can hardly breathe.

Be a reasonable adult and dissolve this partnership amicably to part ways. Find an attorney and file for divorce. You don't need a therapist to hold your hand, ask PCP to prescribe an anti anxiety medication for this phase of life. You can rent a furnished studio until you guys sell house and then buy a condo of your own.

That being said, do know that grass isn't greener on any side so make a logical decision not an emotional one triggering by sale and relocation.

Anonymous wrote:I have what I would describe as an unequal relationship with my husband of 20+ years. He has always been the dominant one and has pressured me a lot over the years to agree to things I didn’t want to do. These included buying an expensive house; using an inheritance I received to pay for a home remodel; and now, he is pressuring me bigtime to sell this house and move 1000 miles away.

I do NOT want to move but I’ve gone along with it because he wears me down with his arguing, pleading and guilt-inducing statements. Now we are at the point of getting ready to put the house on the market and I want to vomit. I don’t want to move. I don’t think I even want to spend the next 20 years with him. When I think of a happy future, he’s not in it.

I have to tell him tonight that I don’t want to move, and this is going to lead straight into what’s probably going to become a divorce conversation. I don’t feel ready to tell him this but I am now backed into a corner. I have no time to find a therapist where I could deliver the news in a neutral setting.

Any advice on how to stand up to him and have this conversation? I’m so anxious I can hardly breathe.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not do what most married couples do and get a condo in this area and then get a house down there and spend half the time in each place? You could even each live in one and see each other sparingly?

That was an option pre-pandemic. But these days? Prices in decent locations in Florida are just as much as this area. And 7% mortgages makes buying two properties pretty much unaffordable. It's not clear that they would even clear underwriting on two properties, given that OP's husband is semi-retired and likely playing some tax games.

+1

I can't believe the blithe posts airily recommending this couple have two properties. Privileged talk.

They have a house. They can buy a studio or 1 bedroom condo in this area and also a house in Florida. Maybe just not in DC and Boca. Florida is huge. Get a condo out in the far-out suburbs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not do what most married couples do and get a condo in this area and then get a house down there and spend half the time in each place? You could even each live in one and see each other sparingly?

That was an option pre-pandemic. But these days? Prices in decent locations in Florida are just as much as this area. And 7% mortgages makes buying two properties pretty much unaffordable. It's not clear that they would even clear underwriting on two properties, given that OP's husband is semi-retired and likely playing some tax games.

+1

I can't believe the blithe posts airily recommending this couple have two properties. Privileged talk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not do what most married couples do and get a condo in this area and then get a house down there and spend half the time in each place? You could even each live in one and see each other sparingly?

That was an option pre-pandemic. But these days? Prices in decent locations in Florida are just as much as this area. And 7% mortgages makes buying two properties pretty much unaffordable. It's not clear that they would even clear underwriting on two properties, given that OP's husband is semi-retired and likely playing some tax games.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This comment from a PP really hit home: If DH refuses to give you--the person he supposedly loves most in the world, right??-- room to think about things, that's another sign he's all about himself and about forcing you into the mold he wants.

And also the PP who said her husband “wins” every big argument or debate. That’s how it is with us.

I do feel like he is using me for the income I provide, and that’s a terrible way to feel. He knows he can manipulate me with his anger and his pouting and I’ll give in. I’m not giving in on this, and as someone said above, this is probably what’s going to cause us to split up.

I’m really depressed. At least we never had kids.

OP I find your answers mysteriously passive. Do you want to stay married to this person or are you fine with this issue being the cause of your break up? If he miraculously gives in do you even want to stay married?

And I’m surprised no one has brought this up, but is it possible that you played a role in this dynamic? You paint yourself as having been a complete doormat for the duration of your marriage, but is that really true?

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I just talked to him. It did not go well. He is extremely angry and blaming my anxiety, telling me I am not thinking rationally. I requested we put the move on hold and go to a therapist to discuss the issues and how we are both feeling, so we can get on the same page, and he flat out refuses. Keeps saying we have to move NOW because the housing market is about to crash and we have to get the equity from our house. Very very mad at me because he has been working so hard on every aspect of the move preparation. At the same time telling me he is afraid I will leave him over this. I feel completely backed into a corner here.

Anonymous wrote:Why not do what most married couples do and get a condo in this area and then get a house down there and spend half the time in each place? You could even each live in one and see each other sparingly?