Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the replies. My husband is adamant I not share the diagnosis with friends. He says it’s none of their business, it’s deeply personal information that we cannot control once shared, and he doesn’t want judgement, pity, or any sympathy from people who don’t get it. He also doesn’t want the kids being judged.

Your husband doesn’t get to decide what you share with your friends. Those conversations are some of the most private and intimate of my life. Why does he get to dictate this?

Anonymous wrote:I disclose for the same reason I disclose on a post in DCUM. If a poster says "my kid will only eat one brand of Mac and cheese" I'm told I'm enabling them and a bad parent. If a poster says "my kid is difficult to travel with", I'm told I should have traveled with them more or taught them to be flexible.

But once a poster discloses, people respond differently. A little more understanding. A little less pushback if they've never experienced it themselves. You won't reach everyone that way, but you will reach some.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never regretted sharing our asd diagnosis nor judged another parent when they have shared their diagnosis. It makes life so much easier for general understanding and normalizing. While before I would judge a parent on food intake, knowing it’s not their parenting but necessary makes me check myself. When I talk openly about our struggles it helps our friends too as they deal with their own kids behaviors. That’s not to say that a diagnosis gets you a free pass, but knowing it’s not something you can control or punish a child to get a better behavior helps

Some people are pure mean. It’s no one’s business. You’ve been lucky.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the less you go on trips though, the less exposure your kids will have to doing this differently and being more flexible.

We have tried this. We went to the beach this summer (just our fam) and one or both of the kids had daily meltdowns. Most days we didn’t get to the beach til 11. We tried eating out and DD cried because the pizza was not the kind she liked and the music was too loud. They can’t even eat Mac and cheese if it’s not the preferred type.

We used to feed our picky kid before we went out so if they wanted to eat more, great and if not they were not hungry. Even if it was good they liked we’d always give a snack before to prevent the wait meltdown.

Anonymous wrote:First I am sorry that among all the other challenges, you are also grieving the loss of adult social outlets.

It was life changing when my oldest started eating enough foods that we could reliably go to most restaurants and find something besides a milkshake. I am ok feeding my kid a milkshake and fries for a meal when we’re on vacation - but it’s an issue when you are with other families and they need their kids to eat healthier food. It’s hard to explain to others that my kid’s need to eat specific foods or stand up and spin in circles next to the table or sit under the table for a while for a “break” is not a choice or bad parenting. Now he’s old enough to play with a fidget toy thankfully.

In your position, I would just be honest. I would say “we’d like to go, but certain things are challenging for us.” I think if you ask for help and understanding, real friends will step up. When you try to hide it, they think your kids are “being bad” and you are “ignoring it”. If you let your kids be themselves as opposed to being embarrassed by things like autistic hand flapping or other stims - you may find that other parts of the trip are easier. If you get embarrassed when your kids are not acting NT, it makes it hard on everybody.

I know you think people don’t notice your kids differences, but they probably do. A real friend will have empathy and will ask “How can we make this trip easier / avoid triggers for Larlo?”