Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I WOH full time+ in a demanding job. DH WFH full time+ in a demanding job. We make very similar incomes. However, I am the primary parent to our DD, capital P. All of the mental load and most of actual labor too, both household and parenting. He loves to criticize how I do all of it, meanwhile I don't think he moved from the couch in 10 hours yesterday, surfing the internet and playing video games. We'd just had a long conversation about how overwhelmed I am and I need more help and that's how he responds. I lost my sh*t on him because there was a giant pile of laundry to be put away, meanwhile I'm simultaneously cooking and helping DD with homework. He responded by telling me how miserable I make things around the house and basically what a drag it is to participate in anything in regards to parenting or around the house.

I can't handle it anymore. I told him my life would probably be easier if I was single because there would be less mess and life would just be more easy going. I'm already doing 98% of everything, the 2% or so he does participate in is not worth the hassle. I was late to work today because DD was having a tantrum not being able to find something and he just laid in bed. DD has to wake him up most days to make sure he gets her to the bus on time (that's one of his few contributions). He thinks I'm overreacting being upset that an 8 year old has to wake up her own father most days.

Sorry, I know I'm rambling, but I'm just so upset right now. I don't know how to get him to hear me and how to get us out of this awful cycle we are in.

Double up on your birth control, go to therapy, suggest marriage counseling, and seriously consider divorce.

Yeah, I know it's the go to on DCUM, but honestly, it's 2023 and women need to stop living with this. The best time to dump this guy was as soon as he started being a lazy POS. The second best time is now.

Amen

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a husband, this guy sounds burned out and depressed. I think couples counseling is generally over recommended - but he could seek therapy. For me, the telling thing is how much he’s shifted his behavior. He also needs to get more sleep and work on physical fitness.

Even without kids, sitting on the couch for 10 hours straight, eating cereal and snacks after bedtime, etc etc isn’t normal behavior.

Burnout from the last few years is totally understandable - but he needs to snap out of it.

Per OP, he's "killing it" at work. That doesn't sound like burnout to me.

That just sounds like he only wants to do things he cares about. He knows that OP will not let the kid ball drop; she cares too much, and he knows it.

He's a selfish a hole that is basically taking advantage of the fact that he knows OP will do everything. He talks the big talk because he feels like he's "the man", but he feels that childcare and household issues are beneath him.

FWIW, my DH is not like this at all, thank god. Otherwise we'd have a "come to Jesus" talk.

For all Op knows, HE could just be keeping HER around for the free high quality childcare, housekeeping, vacation planning, cooked meals and marital status.
Then HE will drop HER on her @$$ once the kid launches.

Save up and keep working Op!

Anonymous wrote:OP, on a personal level are you getting anything out of this marriage? Like do you have date nights that you look forward to, do you have a one on one connection, etc?

Lol

Yeah right. He sounds so attractive in so many ways.

Anonymous wrote:Can we just get a new forum here called Deadweight Husbands? Honestly a good 20% of all posts in the relationship forum seem to be about feral men and the women who have foolishly married them. Maybe these wives can start some sort of fight club/strangers on a train kind of deal.

Just put the deadweights’ mug shots up and send an award to their mommies and daddies.

I kind of call BS on your whole point of view here. You sound like the one who is depressed, not your spouse. You speak about your spouse with utter contempt. Like he’s some kind of total loser. But then we learn that he’s into fitness and runs and is killing it at work. So he doesn’t sound lazy.

It sounds like the two of you may have dramatically different points of view on how to parent. Maybe he doesn’t think your kid needs help with homework. Maybe he thinks your kids should manage homework on their own. Maybe he thinks that if he doesn’t have a morning meeting it’s OK for him to sleep late once in a while. Maybe he’s OK with more clutter around the house than you like. None of this would make him evil. Honestly, it’s how I live my life.

If my spouse was running around doing a bunch of stuff that I did not see as necessary or important, and was simultaneously treating me with utter contempt.…yeah. I don’t know. I’m not a dude, this is a woman speaking. Are you married this person and I have been with them for years so presumably you found something about them attractive and endearing. But now you’re talking about them like they are some sort of caricature.

You and your spouse could sit down and make a list of all home/parenting activities and logically split them up. Have you even tried to have that kind of discussion with your spouse in a non-offensive way, just a factual way? Or is it more fun to feel like a martyr and just be enraged at them? Do you do anything fun with your spouse at all? Maybe your spouse avoids being around you and your kid because you oppressively insist on getting your way at all times and are unwilling to see any merit in his different point of view, so in the end avoidance is the approach taken to avoid constant conflict.

does he stay up late on the internet? i kind of wonder if he's got an internet (or even porn) addiction. Sleeping in, grouchy, unwilling to engage in anything, depressed. Do you guys do anything together, or as a family?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is perfectly ok to get a divorce. It is perfectly ok to ask him to get a neuropsych screening for ADHD/ depression/etc. It is ok to decide to stay married and just do it all yourself.

Really, you just have to decide what you want to do and how miserable you are willing to be. Women make all kinds of different choices in this scenario.

Yes, exactly this. Give yourself permission to do what makes sense for you.

Op here. I know. I just really do not want to get divorced. I just want him to wake the F up.

I don’t mean this to be snarky, but someone lazy doesn’t stop being lazy when you do things like give them a free pass for a year because of a new job. The reality is that it sounds like you were really accepting of his race to the bottom on the domestic front. The longer he does nothing the harder it is for him to start doing things. He thinks life is just dandy.

You really have to decide if you will divorce or become accepting (which may involve a lot more outsourcing). As I noted before, you can ask him to look into the medical stuff, but he will likely simply not do it.

Wow, OP. This sounds completely miserable. What does he say when you talk about this issue when tempers aren’t high and it’s not in the heat of the moment? Is he able to engage productively on this topic at all? Are there any responsibilities he is willing to say that he will do?

If not, I would definitely go “Craigslist roommate.” I would move to the guest room and start dumping all messes he leaves into your old/ his bedroom.

Anonymous wrote:He has ADHD. Seriously, he's able to do well at work because he's able to focus on that one thing. Once work is over, he wants to "zone" into games, sleep, etc. and will use all kinds of techniques to avoid tasks that seem tedious or boring.
I have a teen son with ADHD and without meds, he acts exactly like this.

FYI - most people "will use all kinds of techniques to avoid tasks that seem tedious or boring. ".

Many a husbands/fathers are just lazy at home. They expect the wife to do everything. They don't have ADHD.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has ADHD. Seriously, he's able to do well at work because he's able to focus on that one thing. Once work is over, he wants to "zone" into games, sleep, etc. and will use all kinds of techniques to avoid tasks that seem tedious or boring.
I have a teen son with ADHD and without meds, he acts exactly like this.

I'm the PP that said the DH sounds selfish and entitled, but actually this makes more sense. Significant ADHD and defensiveness about doing anything to fix it.

Is ADHD making him complain about the cleaners, lol?

The fact is, you can both be ADHD and a jerk. I have a brother w ADHD and he is a fantastic husband. ADHD does not excuse or explain this total abdication.

Also ADHD does require symptoms in multiple areas. Someone who can manage work can also manage home duties. Someone motivated to run every day has the capacity to do the freakin’ dishes.

Agreed. I’m the person that posted she has multiple options and women choose different paths. But my husband has ADHD and he is NOT a jerk. We have a great division of labor based on our respective strengths. I do more of the planning and he does more of the doing. I do think this guy might have some actual diagnosable issues — but that doesn’t mean he isn’t also a jerk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has ADHD. Seriously, he's able to do well at work because he's able to focus on that one thing. Once work is over, he wants to "zone" into games, sleep, etc. and will use all kinds of techniques to avoid tasks that seem tedious or boring.
I have a teen son with ADHD and without meds, he acts exactly like this.

I'm the PP that said the DH sounds selfish and entitled, but actually this makes more sense. Significant ADHD and defensiveness about doing anything to fix it.

Is ADHD making him complain about the cleaners, lol?

The fact is, you can both be ADHD and a jerk. I have a brother w ADHD and he is a fantastic husband. ADHD does not excuse or explain this total abdication.

Also ADHD does require symptoms in multiple areas. Someone who can manage work can also manage home duties. Someone motivated to run every day has the capacity to do the freakin’ dishes.

Anonymous wrote:He has ADHD. Seriously, he's able to do well at work because he's able to focus on that one thing. Once work is over, he wants to "zone" into games, sleep, etc. and will use all kinds of techniques to avoid tasks that seem tedious or boring.
I have a teen son with ADHD and without meds, he acts exactly like this.

I'm the PP that said the DH sounds selfish and entitled, but actually this makes more sense. Significant ADHD and defensiveness about doing anything to fix it.

He doesn't sound depressed or lazy if he's running five miles a day and is good at a demanding job. He sounds selfish and entitled, expecting you to do all the household work and to be his emotional dumping ground.

What do you get out of this relationship OP?

I'm in a similar boat but with more help from DH. I have a special needs child who is still quite young so splitting custody right now is not in the best interest.

I agree get him checked out for depression, low T, sleep apnea, high blood pressure. Financially, can you hire someone like a housekeeper to come 3X/week to help. If you have the money and can outsource it, do it.

I know divorce is not what you want and a go to here. However, sometimes people do not wake up until they realize they are going to lose it all. A few years ago when things were really bad, I retained a lawyer, went over the options, and calmly presented the facts on the logistics of splitting and he finally got help and did more.

However, be prepared to potentially go through with it if he says ok let's split. I was at point where I didn't want to share custody either, but a kid having a healthier mom even part time is better than a full-time one who is falling apart physically and mentally.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is perfectly ok to get a divorce. It is perfectly ok to ask him to get a neuropsych screening for ADHD/ depression/etc. It is ok to decide to stay married and just do it all yourself.

Really, you just have to decide what you want to do and how miserable you are willing to be. Women make all kinds of different choices in this scenario.

Yes, exactly this. Give yourself permission to do what makes sense for you.

Op here. I know. I just really do not want to get divorced. I just want him to wake the F up.

Do you really love him? Is there anything loveable about this guy? Or do you just not want the hassle?