Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 15:18     Subject: Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op - he has adhd as does kid. But possible they both have some asd traits. With ds he does not seem autistic generally speaking. But in this case a little


How is your DH's ADHD being treated and managed? Maybe he needs new/different/more meds and an executive function coach. That could enable him to engage more both at work and at home.

I'm a mom with ADD and a SN kid and w/o meds and coaching it was really hard to manage life and work. Like attracts like, my ex had issues and I was not diagnosed until kid was, but we struggled like you describe, especially under stress.

You are also modeling to your ADHD child what a healthy marriage with someone with ADHD can look like. One where limits are acknowledged but also addressed or worked around effectively. You also sound very overwhelmed and should be evaluated for ADHD, anxiety and depression, esp with all you have been through.

If someone with ADHD is checked out on overwhelm don't assume they don't "care" they may not be able to do better without meds and executive function help. You have ALL been through a lot. Get everyone functioning better, routines, outsource, have someone come in and work with the family on ADD issues, whatever you can swing. Go from there. Stop trying to do the same thing and expecting a different result and taking it personally, that shows you may need help with mood or executive functioning too. All of that will make work and family life easier and then you can try to reconnect as a couple. Don't try to use him as a career coach, outsource that or find mentors in your field.

I'm sorry for the health and other challenges, OP. Hang in there.


Op - ty for this truly thoughtful post. Really helpful and he has had coach in past - will see if he will resurrect


I'm glad it helped, OP. I've been in your shoes, minus cancer, but something else. Often when people CAN do better, they do. I don't think it's that he doesn't care. Get everyone functioning as best as possible using all available tools.

It can sound a bit hokey but something like The 5 Love Languages (book or website) might help you both understand how to make each other feel valued. Try for a twice a month date night, even if it's at home. You both have been through a lot. A bit of fun together will help re: stress and give you a bridge to connect and some + recent shared history. Can be something free, just do it together.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 15:14     Subject: Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Pay someone to do homemaking or husband quits job to do it.


Have husband quit low paying job and be the default parent and house manager.


This tends to be a disaster for parents with ADD. I know from my own experience. It can be overwhelming and lacks the external structure that is helpful. Plus, with OP's cancer history, neither should drop out of working world.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 15:13     Subject: Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op - he has adhd as does kid. But possible they both have some asd traits. With ds he does not seem autistic generally speaking. But in this case a little


Good get him to a psychiatrist and on a stimulant


He doesn’t need to be drugged because she hates her job.


Correct, he needs ADHD drugs to treat and manage his chronic ADHD symptoms so he can contribute a base level of effort to the family.


He is not responding the way she wants him to - that is fundamentally a “her” problem (even though it sounds tough emotionally for her to deal with).

Suggesting that he needs drugs so that he will act in a way that meets her expectations (he is not doing anything wrong after all, he is simply not doing what she wants him to do) is ludicrous.

FTR I believe that ADHD is a real diagnosis, but I strongly disagree that it should be medicated in the vast majority of cases.


Her DH should try it and executive function coaching, likely to be very helpful to him in his family under great stress, to his SN kid and in his work life. God forbid something happen to OP he needs to be able to function at a higher level re: care and earning. If he does so now, will take stress off OP, a cancer survivor. Their well being matters more than your beliefs, the family is struggling under multiple significant stressor.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 15:10     Subject: Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
Anonymous wrote:Just a quick aside here: stop saying people are "neurodiverse" unless they have two brains that are different. They would be neurodivergent.


No, per the Cleveland Clinic: The term “neurodivergent” describes people whose brain differences affect how their brain works.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 15:06     Subject: Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op - he has adhd as does kid. But possible they both have some asd traits. With ds he does not seem autistic generally speaking. But in this case a little


Good get him to a psychiatrist and on a stimulant


He doesn’t need to be drugged because she hates her job.


Correct, he needs ADHD drugs to treat and manage his chronic ADHD symptoms so he can contribute a base level of effort to the family.


He is not responding the way she wants him to - that is fundamentally a “her” problem (even though it sounds tough emotionally for her to deal with).

Suggesting that he needs drugs so that he will act in a way that meets her expectations (he is not doing anything wrong after all, he is simply not doing what she wants him to do) is ludicrous.

FTR I believe that ADHD is a real diagnosis, but I strongly disagree that it should be medicated in the vast majority of cases.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 14:58     Subject: Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
Perhaps you need to be specific about what you need your DH to do. Saying “I need help” might be too vague. Have you said, “I’m looking to change jobs, you’ll need to increase your income to pay the difference, cut spending on XYZ, help out more around the house by doing XYZ, etc.” I completely understand your frustration about him not stepping up on his own, but maybe he needs a push in a specific direction.

I also understand that you want to share the mental load with him. I’m like that too. As the breadwinner with a demanding job, I carry a ridiculous amount of stress about everything it seems. Often it seems like my DH doesn’t want to hear it and couldn’t care less. But deep down I know he cares—he’s just very calm and stoic on the outside. If I’m honest with myself, he’s a good counterbalance to my anxious tendencies. I don’t always appreciate that when I’m at the height of my stress, but it’s also not fair for me to expect him to respond the way I think he should. I figure I have my shortcomings and he has his. He shows his love for me in ways that have taken me years to recognize, but it’s there. We’ve been married 18 years.

Maybe therapy would be good for you to process some of these feelings and figure out the best way forward.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 14:53     Subject: Dh has stopped pretending to care and it’s a real bummer
Anonymous wrote:Pay someone to do homemaking or husband quits job to do it.


Have husband quit low paying job and be the default parent and house manager.