Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm just confused why some of the "I make my kid's appointments for them" parents in this thread are so adamant about it. Do they actively want to be in charge of their kid's healthcare, do they think the kid will let something slip through the cracks, do they think the kid is hiding something from them? Or did they see a comment somewhere from a parent about how their kid does this for themselves, feel judged, and decide that judgmental jerk is the one who is parenting wrong?

I can see making your kid's appointments for them, even in their teens. Heck, at that point it's force of habit. I can't see fighting with parents whose kids make their own appointments that they're "snowplowing" (??) or not close with their kids or doing something wrong. It's not the behavior, it's the passion that's confusing me.

PP here, and I don't think anyone has been adamant about it, except those insisting MAKING DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS is the ultimate litmus test for teen independence.

I didn't see anything about snowplowing, only about tripping on the umbilical cord.

Anonymous wrote:
I am a research scientist and my husband is a doctor. Of course we make appointments for our teens. Of course we accompany them to their appointments, and check the lab work and any exams, and add our knowledge to the discussion. The doctors treating our children expect it, and would find us remiss if we didn't. I don't know of any family in our circle who does not do this, especially the medical ones who know what medicine is and how easy it is to miss certain issues.

Of course, many appointments are routine with no surprises. But until they live independently, it's always good to be there for the odd result or medical tangent. And since I'm the general house manager, it's easier for us all if *I* make the appointments. Just as a matter of practicality.

Separately, I've always found it amusing, endearing even, how some people on DCUM are obsessed with their kids learning how to do certain things early on. House chores, administrative tasks, etc. Those things are easy. It does not matter at all whether someone learns then at 8 or 18, because it's not rocket science. I didn't lift a finger in my own house until I left for college, and yet had no trouble making appointments, doing laundry and cooking meals for myself. Same for my husband. None of these things have a difficult learning curve! Do not stress about "teaching" your children these things, or having them "practice". They will get it easily when they need to.

Now my oldest is in college, and predictably, he has no trouble managing his life, despite not having "practiced" much prior to leaving home.

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm just confused why some of the "I make my kid's appointments for them" parents in this thread are so adamant about it. Do they actively want to be in charge of their kid's healthcare, do they think the kid will let something slip through the cracks, do they think the kid is hiding something from them? Or did they see a comment somewhere from a parent about how their kid does this for themselves, feel judged, and decide that judgmental jerk is the one who is parenting wrong?

I can see making your kid's appointments for them, even in their teens. Heck, at that point it's force of habit. I can't see fighting with parents whose kids make their own appointments that they're "snowplowing" (??) or not close with their kids or doing something wrong. It's not the behavior, it's the passion that's confusing me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am a research scientist and my husband is a doctor. Of course we make appointments for our teens. Of course we accompany them to their appointments, and check the lab work and any exams, and add our knowledge to the discussion. The doctors treating our children expect it, and would find us remiss if we didn't. I don't know of any family in our circle who does not do this, especially the medical ones who know what medicine is and how easy it is to miss certain issues.

Of course, many appointments are routine with no surprises. But until they live independently, it's always good to be there for the odd result or medical tangent. And since I'm the general house manager, it's easier for us all if *I* make the appointments. Just as a matter of practicality.

Separately, I've always found it amusing, endearing even, how some people on DCUM are obsessed with their kids learning how to do certain things early on. House chores, administrative tasks, etc. Those things are easy. It does not matter at all whether someone learns then at 8 or 18, because it's not rocket science. I didn't lift a finger in my own house until I left for college, and yet had no trouble making appointments, doing laundry and cooking meals for myself. Same for my husband. None of these things have a difficult learning curve! Do not stress about "teaching" your children these things, or having them "practice". They will get it easily when they need to.

Now my oldest is in college, and predictably, he has no trouble managing his life, despite not having "practiced" much prior to leaving home.

Spoken like a truly privileged person! I can't believe you're bragging about this. Most Americans, outside the DCUM bubble, of course, can't afford outsource chores like you do. Family members are expected to contribute and pull their weight. Why wouldn't I want to teach my kids to take on age appropriate chores so that my load is lessened? Why would I want to raise entitled kids who don't learn what it takes to maintain a household and be contributing members?

I've seen what happens when kids have parents like you who send them off into the world without a clue as to how to be a good roommate. Sure, most of them learn but it's certainly not easy on relationships when you're living with someone who doesn't know a toilet needs to be cleaned on a regular basis and then have to repeatedly tell them they did an incomplete job. Or, especially with boys, to be more mindful when they're peeing so it doesn't splatter everywhere. There's nothing like having to clean up your own mess to make one more mindful. But, yeah, I'm sure your DS is managing his life just fine and his ignorance of life's most basic chores has had no impact on him. His life partner will love how much you've done for him.

Anonymous wrote:They went to college at 16? I'm talking about teens in high school. Obviously, nobody is flying to another state to drive their kid to the campus health center.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of the threads about kids needing to do their own laundry for years to prepare for doing it in college. It's not really that hard!

I think the point is that they’re capable long before many parents have them do it. So why wait until college when you can turn the responsibility over to them sooner?

Seems like the opposite of helicopter parenting to me….

Because it is much more efficient to do larger loads combining laundry for the whole family. Like making dinner, or going grocery shopping, silly to have every family member doing it individually even though they are fully capable.

True, my son would run the machine for just his favorite pair of shorts and nothing else!

DP. How does doing laundry on his behalf prevent your DS from washing a single article of clothing? Do you do laundry every day? My kids do their own laundry and I've inculcated in them that they can't just do a few articles of clothing. They need to have at least 5 and, if needed, they can throw in other family member's laundry. I'd rather the front loader take on the 'efficiency' of laundry than me having to do it. My time is more valuable than my kids'.

The level of effort to make a dinner sufficiently large for everyone is much lower than the effort to do laundry and the time frames are different. Everyone eats in the evening. Not everyone needs to have their laundry done at the same time or on a daily basis. We don't make dinner for everyone because it's efficient, we do it because we all need to be fed and we sit and eat together. Regarding grocery shopping - we keep a centralized list so whoever goes to the store can get what's on the list, not just because it's efficient but because it's polite and we share a household. But, I don't care if my kids run out to get something they want/need if it's an immediate need or they didn't put it on the list.

Well in my family it is polite and efficient to take care of the whole hamper not just your 5 ? things.

You have a single hamper for the whole family!?

The actual washing/drying of clothes is super easy. It's putting them away that's the hassle - and I have no interest in putting their clothes away. Also, I don't wash my kids' clothes anymore because I'm more particular in how I want my clothes wash/dried (or not put in the dryer). My boys, in particular, don't care and that's fine. I have enough on my plate and have no interest in taking on tasks they are perfectly capable of doing. The cost of your 'efficiency' is greater than I'm willing to pay.

3 hampers....whites, brights, and other. Laundry is upstairs with the bedrooms. It is easy for everyone to deposit clothes. No one has to have a hamper in their room.

You're old, right?

No. I dont' know what age has to do with anything but based on how you sort your laundry, I bet you're older. With the way detergent is configured, you don't have to separate laundry like you did back in the day. But, if you want to be a laundress and take on the responsiblity of putting your kids' clothes away, great. You do you. I've got no interest in being the laundress for someone who is perfectly capable of doing their own laundry. My time is more valuable than theirs.

Anonymous wrote:
I am a research scientist and my husband is a doctor. Of course we make appointments for our teens. Of course we accompany them to their appointments, and check the lab work and any exams, and add our knowledge to the discussion. The doctors treating our children expect it, and would find us remiss if we didn't. I don't know of any family in our circle who does not do this, especially the medical ones who know what medicine is and how easy it is to miss certain issues.

Of course, many appointments are routine with no surprises. But until they live independently, it's always good to be there for the odd result or medical tangent. And since I'm the general house manager, it's easier for us all if *I* make the appointments. Just as a matter of practicality.

Separately, I've always found it amusing, endearing even, how some people on DCUM are obsessed with their kids learning how to do certain things early on. House chores, administrative tasks, etc. Those things are easy. It does not matter at all whether someone learns then at 8 or 18, because it's not rocket science. I didn't lift a finger in my own house until I left for college, and yet had no trouble making appointments, doing laundry and cooking meals for myself. Same for my husband. None of these things have a difficult learning curve! Do not stress about "teaching" your children these things, or having them "practice". They will get it easily when they need to.

Now my oldest is in college, and predictably, he has no trouble managing his life, despite not having "practiced" much prior to leaving home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of the threads about kids needing to do their own laundry for years to prepare for doing it in college. It's not really that hard!

I think the point is that they’re capable long before many parents have them do it. So why wait until college when you can turn the responsibility over to them sooner?

Seems like the opposite of helicopter parenting to me….

Because it is much more efficient to do larger loads combining laundry for the whole family. Like making dinner, or going grocery shopping, silly to have every family member doing it individually even though they are fully capable.

True, my son would run the machine for just his favorite pair of shorts and nothing else!

DP. How does doing laundry on his behalf prevent your DS from washing a single article of clothing? Do you do laundry every day? My kids do their own laundry and I've inculcated in them that they can't just do a few articles of clothing. They need to have at least 5 and, if needed, they can throw in other family member's laundry. I'd rather the front loader take on the 'efficiency' of laundry than me having to do it. My time is more valuable than my kids'.

The level of effort to make a dinner sufficiently large for everyone is much lower than the effort to do laundry and the time frames are different. Everyone eats in the evening. Not everyone needs to have their laundry done at the same time or on a daily basis. We don't make dinner for everyone because it's efficient, we do it because we all need to be fed and we sit and eat together. Regarding grocery shopping - we keep a centralized list so whoever goes to the store can get what's on the list, not just because it's efficient but because it's polite and we share a household. But, I don't care if my kids run out to get something they want/need if it's an immediate need or they didn't put it on the list.

Well in my family it is polite and efficient to take care of the whole hamper not just your 5 ? things.

You have a single hamper for the whole family!?

The actual washing/drying of clothes is super easy. It's putting them away that's the hassle - and I have no interest in putting their clothes away. Also, I don't wash my kids' clothes anymore because I'm more particular in how I want my clothes wash/dried (or not put in the dryer). My boys, in particular, don't care and that's fine. I have enough on my plate and have no interest in taking on tasks they are perfectly capable of doing. The cost of your 'efficiency' is greater than I'm willing to pay.

3 hampers....whites, brights, and other. Laundry is upstairs with the bedrooms. It is easy for everyone to deposit clothes. No one has to have a hamper in their room.

You're old, right?

No. I dont' know what age has to do with anything but based on how you sort your laundry, I bet you're older. With the way detergent is configured, you don't have to separate laundry like you did back in the day. But, if you want to be a laundress and take on the responsiblity of putting your kids' clothes away, great. You do you. I've got no interest in being the laundress for someone who is perfectly capable of doing their own laundry. My time is more valuable than theirs.

Anonymous wrote:
I am a research scientist and my husband is a doctor. Of course we make appointments for our teens. Of course we accompany them to their appointments, and check the lab work and any exams, and add our knowledge to the discussion. The doctors treating our children expect it, and would find us remiss if we didn't. I don't know of any family in our circle who does not do this, especially the medical ones who know what medicine is and how easy it is to miss certain issues.

Of course, many appointments are routine with no surprises. But until they live independently, it's always good to be there for the odd result or medical tangent. And since I'm the general house manager, it's easier for us all if *I* make the appointments. Just as a matter of practicality.

Separately, I've always found it amusing, endearing even, how some people on DCUM are obsessed with their kids learning how to do certain things early on. House chores, administrative tasks, etc. Those things are easy. It does not matter at all whether someone learns then at 8 or 18, because it's not rocket science. I didn't lift a finger in my own house until I left for college, and yet had no trouble making appointments, doing laundry and cooking meals for myself. Same for my husband. None of these things have a difficult learning curve! Do not stress about "teaching" your children these things, or having them "practice". They will get it easily when they need to.

Now my oldest is in college, and predictably, he has no trouble managing his life, despite not having "practiced" much prior to leaving home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of the threads about kids needing to do their own laundry for years to prepare for doing it in college. It's not really that hard!

I think the point is that they’re capable long before many parents have them do it. So why wait until college when you can turn the responsibility over to them sooner?

Seems like the opposite of helicopter parenting to me….

Because it is much more efficient to do larger loads combining laundry for the whole family. Like making dinner, or going grocery shopping, silly to have every family member doing it individually even though they are fully capable.

True, my son would run the machine for just his favorite pair of shorts and nothing else!

DP. How does doing laundry on his behalf prevent your DS from washing a single article of clothing? Do you do laundry every day? My kids do their own laundry and I've inculcated in them that they can't just do a few articles of clothing. They need to have at least 5 and, if needed, they can throw in other family member's laundry. I'd rather the front loader take on the 'efficiency' of laundry than me having to do it. My time is more valuable than my kids'.

The level of effort to make a dinner sufficiently large for everyone is much lower than the effort to do laundry and the time frames are different. Everyone eats in the evening. Not everyone needs to have their laundry done at the same time or on a daily basis. We don't make dinner for everyone because it's efficient, we do it because we all need to be fed and we sit and eat together. Regarding grocery shopping - we keep a centralized list so whoever goes to the store can get what's on the list, not just because it's efficient but because it's polite and we share a household. But, I don't care if my kids run out to get something they want/need if it's an immediate need or they didn't put it on the list.

Well in my family it is polite and efficient to take care of the whole hamper not just your 5 ? things.

You have a single hamper for the whole family!?

The actual washing/drying of clothes is super easy. It's putting them away that's the hassle - and I have no interest in putting their clothes away. Also, I don't wash my kids' clothes anymore because I'm more particular in how I want my clothes wash/dried (or not put in the dryer). My boys, in particular, don't care and that's fine. I have enough on my plate and have no interest in taking on tasks they are perfectly capable of doing. The cost of your 'efficiency' is greater than I'm willing to pay.

3 hampers....whites, brights, and other. Laundry is upstairs with the bedrooms. It is easy for everyone to deposit clothes. No one has to have a hamper in their room.

You're old, right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of the threads about kids needing to do their own laundry for years to prepare for doing it in college. It's not really that hard!

I think the point is that they’re capable long before many parents have them do it. So why wait until college when you can turn the responsibility over to them sooner?

Seems like the opposite of helicopter parenting to me….

Because it is much more efficient to do larger loads combining laundry for the whole family. Like making dinner, or going grocery shopping, silly to have every family member doing it individually even though they are fully capable.

True, my son would run the machine for just his favorite pair of shorts and nothing else!

DP. How does doing laundry on his behalf prevent your DS from washing a single article of clothing? Do you do laundry every day? My kids do their own laundry and I've inculcated in them that they can't just do a few articles of clothing. They need to have at least 5 and, if needed, they can throw in other family member's laundry. I'd rather the front loader take on the 'efficiency' of laundry than me having to do it. My time is more valuable than my kids'.

The level of effort to make a dinner sufficiently large for everyone is much lower than the effort to do laundry and the time frames are different. Everyone eats in the evening. Not everyone needs to have their laundry done at the same time or on a daily basis. We don't make dinner for everyone because it's efficient, we do it because we all need to be fed and we sit and eat together. Regarding grocery shopping - we keep a centralized list so whoever goes to the store can get what's on the list, not just because it's efficient but because it's polite and we share a household. But, I don't care if my kids run out to get something they want/need if it's an immediate need or they didn't put it on the list.

Well in my family it is polite and efficient to take care of the whole hamper not just your 5 ? things.

You have a single hamper for the whole family!?

The actual washing/drying of clothes is super easy. It's putting them away that's the hassle - and I have no interest in putting their clothes away. Also, I don't wash my kids' clothes anymore because I'm more particular in how I want my clothes wash/dried (or not put in the dryer). My boys, in particular, don't care and that's fine. I have enough on my plate and have no interest in taking on tasks they are perfectly capable of doing. The cost of your 'efficiency' is greater than I'm willing to pay.

3 hampers....whites, brights, and other. Laundry is upstairs with the bedrooms. It is easy for everyone to deposit clothes. No one has to have a hamper in their room.

You're old, right?

Anonymous wrote:You can tell which parents are raising their kids to be self-reliant, self-sufficient, and self-sustaining, and which parents, like OP, are invested in helicopter parenting and intervening in every little thing for their child for as long as they can because they can't get over their desire to control everything and make sure "it's done right."

Seek therapy, OP. Your kid can make a phone call and book an appointment. It's good practice for navigating normal life skills they will need as an adult.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of the threads about kids needing to do their own laundry for years to prepare for doing it in college. It's not really that hard!

I think the point is that they’re capable long before many parents have them do it. So why wait until college when you can turn the responsibility over to them sooner?

Seems like the opposite of helicopter parenting to me….

Because it is much more efficient to do larger loads combining laundry for the whole family. Like making dinner, or going grocery shopping, silly to have every family member doing it individually even though they are fully capable.

True, my son would run the machine for just his favorite pair of shorts and nothing else!

DP. How does doing laundry on his behalf prevent your DS from washing a single article of clothing? Do you do laundry every day? My kids do their own laundry and I've inculcated in them that they can't just do a few articles of clothing. They need to have at least 5 and, if needed, they can throw in other family member's laundry. I'd rather the front loader take on the 'efficiency' of laundry than me having to do it. My time is more valuable than my kids'.

The level of effort to make a dinner sufficiently large for everyone is much lower than the effort to do laundry and the time frames are different. Everyone eats in the evening. Not everyone needs to have their laundry done at the same time or on a daily basis. We don't make dinner for everyone because it's efficient, we do it because we all need to be fed and we sit and eat together. Regarding grocery shopping - we keep a centralized list so whoever goes to the store can get what's on the list, not just because it's efficient but because it's polite and we share a household. But, I don't care if my kids run out to get something they want/need if it's an immediate need or they didn't put it on the list.

Well in my family it is polite and efficient to take care of the whole hamper not just your 5 ? things.

You have a single hamper for the whole family!?

The actual washing/drying of clothes is super easy. It's putting them away that's the hassle - and I have no interest in putting their clothes away. Also, I don't wash my kids' clothes anymore because I'm more particular in how I want my clothes wash/dried (or not put in the dryer). My boys, in particular, don't care and that's fine. I have enough on my plate and have no interest in taking on tasks they are perfectly capable of doing. The cost of your 'efficiency' is greater than I'm willing to pay.

3 hampers....whites, brights, and other. Laundry is upstairs with the bedrooms. It is easy for everyone to deposit clothes. No one has to have a hamper in their room.