So tough,but I don't think you can let him move in. I would look for a near by group home where you can spend time together and support him, but he doesn't sound ready to live with a teenager.

If you want him to mess up the other kid then let him move in

Anonymous wrote:It's weird to me how people can turn their child away at only age 25 who is very very sick.

He’s not sick. It’s not cancer or diabetes or Parkinson’s disease.

He’s an addict who needs professional help.

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him that if he voluntarily commits himself to rehab, when he comes out, he will be able to move back into the house and you will support him in getting his life back on track.

That would be my concession. I think he has already deprived you of one son (himself), and you don't want him to influence his brother so you lose both sons. He needs to be committed to getting clean and then you will welcome him back home.

OP, pay attention to the bolded. One of my cousins was an opiate addict who lived at home and shared a room with his younger brother. The younger brother also became addicted to opiates. The oldest OD'ed at age 23. The youngest spent the years after his brothers death in an addicted haze, with several half-hearted rehab stints. He, too, ended up dying in a vehicle accident. It was the night before he was supposed to start another round of rehab. Addicts often decide to have a "last hurrah" right before heading into rehab. He took a boatload of pills and then got behind the wheel.

I'm not saying that if the older brother wasn't allowed to stay at home that the younger brother would not have become addicted, but having this sort of disease in the home isn't healthy for an adolescent. OP, I know you want to help your oldest child, but you also can't risk what damage may be caused to your youngest. You can only allow the addict back if he agrees to treatment. You can not simply allow him back home. Right now, you fear losing one. Imagine what it would be like to fear losing two.

I would tell him that if he voluntarily commits himself to rehab, when he comes out, he will be able to move back into the house and you will support him in getting his life back on track.

That would be my concession. I think he has already deprived you of one son (himself), and you don't want him to influence his brother so you lose both sons. He needs to be committed to getting clean and then you will welcome him back home.

Let him, but have rules such as he has to go to a day rehab program and no second chances if drugs are found or he is high.

Anonymous wrote:A lot of cold people on DCUM. The fact that you said 16-17 which is about when you had child 2 tells me that he has some sort of trauma that needs to be addressed[b]. I would not allow him to move in but I would tell him you will move mountains to partner with him if he seeks recovery. I would look into rehab and also half way houses for those just getting through rehab. He may need to live in something like this for a year. I would keep telling him that you love him and gosh 25 is so young. He has his life before him. Also be careful that it comes across that he is the throw away kid and your second is your whole world. Good luck!

25 - 17 is 8.
OP had her second child when the now 25 y/o was 8.
Op’s second child is not the trauma that caused their DC1 to start using almost 10 years later.

I would do it with conditions that he must agree to. You have to spell out clearly all the conditions and consequences for violating them in advance. One violation and he is out. Note that this requires a huge commitment from you and/or DH. I would do it, actually have done it, but then my model of motherhood is Demeter saving Persephone from hell. Not for everyone.

First, coming into the house means no drugs ever. That means as soon as he comes you expect him to go into cold turkey withdrawal. (Alternatives below--this one is the cheap version.) No one reasonably healthy dies from opiate withdrawal, but it is awful. The awfulness is good in this case because it is a motivator to stay straight. You can google DIY ways to ease some of the pain. You or your husband must commit to being at home 24/7 during this time (5 days to a week) and sleeping in his room to prevent him from going out.

Once he has recovered sufficiently, he must go to daily NA meetings. You or your DH drive him and wait for him the first two months or so depending on what you are seeing. Daily NA continues for at least a year. He commits to twice weekly drug testing by you--days and times announced in advance and no deviations accepted (on his part of course but you too must religiously stick to the schedule). (No random drug testing!) Refusal to take the test will be treated as a positive test and he is out. During this time he gets a job (no restaurants!) or goes to school.

Alternative 2 (Not cheap like above): You take him to an accelerated detox place. (Google Coleman, they have a location in Richmond.) This is an easier, quicker detox and once the opiates have cleared they give a Vivitrol shot. The shots must be taken monthly for at least a year; failure to do so and he is out. Drug testing normally is not needed if he is getting the shots as indicated. But same thing with NA meetings, job, school etc. Insurance almost never covers rapid detox. (You can also combine monthly Vivitrol shot with DIY detox. Insurance may cover but likely still more expensive than buying drug tests in bulk on the internet.)

Alternative 3: (Possibly not too expensive if insurance covers) He goes to a rehab that offers detox (WITHOUT Suboxone!) and gives Vivitrol. This is a bit tricky--a rehab like Father Martin's may offer this but not require it as he is an adult and they will respect his decision, and you would want him to commit to go this route. Insurance often covers a month in rehab but rehabs have horrible relapse rates. That is why once you bring him home you do the daily NA, monthly Vivitrol, job, school thing above.

Exclamation points above: Random drug testing is doomed to failure--addicts have so many ways of convincing you why the particular time you have sprung on them is inconvenient or insensitive. Restaurants are notorious for employee drug use. Suboxone (and methadone) are addictive and have a much longer half life than opiates and so are harder to kick. And you are relying on him to take a pill every day to stave off opiate use. Possible to monitor, but much harder on you and he is still addicted to a drug.

My stepdaughter is a recovering heroin addict.

What helped her dad and me was to calibrate all decisions with, "I'm not going to do anything that makes it easier for you to use. I will consider anythjng that may make it easier for you to recover."

Moving back home is enabling him to keep using on the side while he comes home to a warm bed and food (when he has an appetite). It helps keep him comfortable living this zombie half-life that will end in death.

The one way you could support him is in getting effective depression treatment. Psychedelic therapy has also been relatively effectual for heroin users. He's going to have a dramatic dopamine deficit for years. He's going to need a lot of support to build up some reserves for when his dopamine levels crash

Anonymous wrote:It's weird to me how people can turn their child away at only age 25 who is very very sick.

I can do it because I grew up in a family with a lot of addicts and I am deep memories of how much chaos and violence and misery they sow in their wake.

I'm not bringing that into my house. If my kid refused to get help for this problem, then they are on their own. I am not supporting them while they kill themselves.

It's weird to me how people can turn their child away at only age 25 who is very very sick.

Hard no.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 25 year old oxycodone addicted son wants to move back in. He has dabbled in heroin (won’t admit it).
I know because he couch surfed for a while and ended up staying at a neighbor shortly.

I have a 17y/o in HS.

Should I let him stay and for how long. My 25y/o has been doing God knows what since age 19.

Drugs started at 16/17.

He tells me the last time we spoke that he considers his life to be over and no point going back to school or get a job. He’s waiting to just ”kick the bucket since he’s basically almost 30 which means his life is over”. Direct quote from him.

Should I just let him do what he wants and move in?

Please spare me the judging we’ve tried everything.

If you turn him away, be prepared to bury him.
Are you resdy to always wonder "if?".

He's high suicidal risk.

Don't be taken advantage of, but get him in rehab.
Even as an out patient and as a firm condition of his coming home.

This!

Also watch Beautiful Boy with Steve Carrel. It might be a bit close to the bone, but it has a happy-ish ending. Also, get some support like one PP mentioned. A huge number of people are dealing with this alone and you are not alone. Find a group.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 25 year old oxycodone addicted son wants to move back in. He has dabbled in heroin (won’t admit it).
I know because he couch surfed for a while and ended up staying at a neighbor shortly.

I have a 17y/o in HS.

Should I let him stay and for how long. My 25y/o has been doing God knows what since age 19.

Drugs started at 16/17.

He tells me the last time we spoke that he considers his life to be over and no point going back to school or get a job. He’s waiting to just ”kick the bucket since he’s basically almost 30 which means his life is over”. Direct quote from him.

Should I just let him do what he wants and move in?

Please spare me the judging we’ve tried everything.

If you turn him away, be prepared to bury him.
Are you resdy to always wonder "if?".

He's high suicidal risk.

Don't be taken advantage of, but get him in rehab.
Even as an out patient and as a firm condition of his coming home.

If you let him come home without rehab, you should also be prepared to bury him. He's addicted and he's making noises about life not being worth living. He needs to get into treatment ASAP. Moving home is the only bargaining chip that OP has. OP should use it.

Not unless he goes to in-patient rehab and has a plan for getting a job when he gets out of rehab. You have another son to worry about.