Anonymous wrote:I dated (and then married) a man who made less than I did. He never took me on cheap dates. I think he rearranged his budget to be able to spend more. He took me on inexpensive dates sometimes - like the free nights at museums or to the beach (which I love) or stuff like that. He never took me to Olive Garden or paid with coupons.

I will admit that when I took him on vacations I often lied about points or miles so he wouldn't feel I was spending tons on him and get uncomfortable. We never went on a vacation of like, chugging through Jersey in a motor home or anything.

I was in love. When you're in love, you'll make things work.

Anonymous wrote:OP this is not the guy for you. Every post you write makes it sound like you feel superior to him in every way. Money aside you don’t respect who he is. So on paper he may check a bunch of boxes but you can’t deal with the reality.

My partner makes less than I do and is the sole provider for his kids so he has very little fun money. I have no issues paying for things for us to do. He contributes to the relationship by saving me tons of money on fixing and maintaining my possessions. I’ve never had to call a handyman or mechanic or landscaper. He handles it all. Relationships are compromise and there is give and take. It’s the overall value the other person brings to the relationship. There can be a balance even without similar salaries.

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Anonymous wrote:OP maybe you a catch... for someone else.
You seem to enjoy the finer things in life, and just want someone else to pay for them. There are many many men who will sign up for this arrangement.
Throw this one back.

OP did not say she wanted someone else to pay for her to enjoy the finer things. She likes to do certain activities that she perceives he cannot afford. She seems kind of okay paying more to enjoy those activities with him but perceives that he will be offended if she pays.

"Don’t mind buying tickets or dinner now and then but always living the life of free/cheap/public is going to get old really fast
foreseeing that crappy vacations, appreciating nature bc we have to, and not great music could start dividing us"

Yeah, clearly sounds like she's super on-board supporting this lifestyle. If she dates this person she will be "settling" for his lifestyle, because that's who will be paying. I'm not saying one has to be a sugar momma, but it's clear she wants someone who can buy her all these nice things. How dare she be forced to appreciate nature!

OP. I'm not sure why you are fixated on this argument but it seems very hard for you to comprehend what I am saying, thought other posters seemed to have grasped it without too much trouble. Are you a man by any chance?

Nope. I am a woman who made more than my dh for most of our lives though. I actually grasped your concept quite easily. If you want someone who can afford to shower you in gifts and trips and dinners you need to find someone else. Throw him back for another lady who will appreciate him!

No, you haven’t grasped it at all. Please reread the posts from others who did.

Many others did the same as I did... It's pretty clear.

-You don't want to do cheap activities
-He will only pay for cheap activities
-You don't want to pay for more expensive activities
-You are already resenting him for this

What else is there to grasp?

I would pay for more expensive activities, or would share the cost of more expensive activities, but he either does not want to or cannot. How is this hard to understand? Oh, bc it doesn’t fit your narrative.

You said you don’t mind paying ‘here and there’. You said you ‘think’ he would be upset but you don’t actually know. I have no narrative, you’re the one calling him cheap and then trying to find a way to be ok with it lol.

I never called him cheap. He is of lesser means. That is totally different from cheap. You are so offensive and also, wrong. Could you just quit commenting? You’re the only one here who can’t comprehend the content here.

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Anonymous wrote:Less is fine. I make more than DH, and have for as long as we've known each other. But if he doesn't make enough to be self-supporting, that is not workable. If you think he cannot afford any kind of date other than free, this is not a reasonable long-term prospect he.

It's more likely that you are being dramatic to make yourself feel important, though.

He supports himself, just in a very modest way. He has some beliefs that I think have made it hard for him to earn more. He is very drawn to helping the downtrodden and outsiders, which is great but there are ways to do that that do not result in you yourself becoming one of them.

Is this last comment from the OP?

You fault him for caring for others. I suspect that means he has some form of service job. He has my gratitude and my respect. Apparently he doesn’t have yours.

This thread paints him as a saint. You didn’t paint yourself very well.

There are many of us who think that contributing to the greater good is more honorable and more respectful than hoarding money and fancy experiences. You mentioned upthread that he drove to the Midwest instead of flying. Did you think for a second that there is joy in a road trip? Perhaps one would benefit you.

Please cut him loose. There are many people looking for a great guy and he deserves someone who will appreciate him more than material things.

Excuse me? I don’t fault him in fact I said it was great. I support and admire his service to others (he is a very committed SJW), I just observed that there are many way and professions in which to help the economically disadvantaged (including in his chosen field) that don’t result in you becoming one of them. It seems like something held him back.

Anonymous wrote:And I am kind of dreading the free events and no ticket required scene. I also think he would feel emasculated if I started paying for nicer dates. Don’t mind buying tickets or dinner now and then but always living the life of free/cheap/public is going to get old really fast I think. Which is a pity, bc I like him, but already foreseeing that crappy vacations, appreciating nature bc we have to, and not great music could start dividing us. Sigh.

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Anonymous wrote:Less is fine. I make more than DH, and have for as long as we've known each other. But if he doesn't make enough to be self-supporting, that is not workable. If you think he cannot afford any kind of date other than free, this is not a reasonable long-term prospect he.

It's more likely that you are being dramatic to make yourself feel important, though.

He supports himself, just in a very modest way. He has some beliefs that I think have made it hard for him to earn more. He is very drawn to helping the downtrodden and outsiders, which is great but there are ways to do that that do not result in you yourself becoming one of them.

Is this last comment from the OP?

You fault him for caring for others. I suspect that means he has some form of service job. He has my gratitude and my respect. Apparently he doesn’t have yours.

This thread paints him as a saint. You didn’t paint yourself very well.

There are many of us who think that contributing to the greater good is more honorable and more respectful than hoarding money and fancy experiences. You mentioned upthread that he drove to the Midwest instead of flying. Did you think for a second that there is joy in a road trip? Perhaps one would benefit you.

Please cut him loose. There are many people looking for a great guy and he deserves someone who will appreciate him more than material things.

Excuse me? I don’t fault him in fact I said it was great. I support and admire his service to others (he is a very committed SJW), I just observed that there are many way and professions in which to help the economically disadvantaged (including in his chosen field) that don’t result in you becoming one of them. It seems like something held him back.

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Anonymous wrote:Poor guy. Set him free so someone without dumb financial hangups can snag him.

Viable retirement and health care as you get older, paying for housing and kids' education are not "dumb financial hangups." Life is expensive and getting more so all the time. Lack of money causes stress that money can solve. Wealthy people live longer and better than less wealthy people. All other things being equal, which they never are, it's better to have someone at or close to your level at least. What would happen if the only earner became disabled?

Those are not what turned OP off, only that she'd have to settle for "free music" and "cheap dinners".

Anonymous wrote:OP. I'm not talking about flying first class or front row tickets to Taylor Swift. I'm talking about a guy who just drove 10 hours to and from a midwestern state for a one-week vacation to save money on airfare. There's a point when your time should be more valuable.

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Anonymous wrote:Less is fine. I make more than DH, and have for as long as we've known each other. But if he doesn't make enough to be self-supporting, that is not workable. If you think he cannot afford any kind of date other than free, this is not a reasonable long-term prospect he.

It's more likely that you are being dramatic to make yourself feel important, though.

He supports himself, just in a very modest way. He has some beliefs that I think have made it hard for him to earn more. He is very drawn to helping the downtrodden and outsiders, which is great but there are ways to do that that do not result in you yourself becoming one of them.

Is this last comment from the OP?

You fault him for caring for others. I suspect that means he has some form of service job. He has my gratitude and my respect. Apparently he doesn’t have yours.

This thread paints him as a saint. You didn’t paint yourself very well.

There are many of us who think that contributing to the greater good is more honorable and more respectful than hoarding money and fancy experiences. You mentioned upthread that he drove to the Midwest instead of flying. Did you think for a second that there is joy in a road trip? Perhaps one would benefit you.

Please cut him loose. There are many people looking for a great guy and he deserves someone who will appreciate him more than material things.

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Anonymous wrote:OP. I'm not talking about flying first class or front row tickets to Taylor Swift. I'm talking about a guy who just drove 10 hours to and from a midwestern state for a one-week vacation to save money on airfare. There's a point when your time should be more valuable.

Okay OP, I hear you. This not the man for you. Forget front row at Taylor Swift, you all just do not seem to have compatible lifestyles. He may be a nice guy, friendly etc, but when the rubber meets the road you all are “evenly yoked” to use a Bible term. And I sense that this has already gotten old for you. Keep him as a friend but not a romantic partner.

I'm not sure that is possible. The mojo is strong with this one. There is good chemistry.

Well then you can’t be friends but staying in this relationship is just going to breed resentment and turn toxic. You want a lifestyle he can’t afford. You do not want pay for everything all of them and don’t think he does either. You either have to talk about it with him and come to a solution that works for both or end it. The sex isn’t going to sustain things when you can’t/do not want to go out together because …he wants to drive to California. Unless he drives and you fly and met there. But then what type of hotel, activities etc can you do together once you get there? There are woman that have no problem paying for everything and man that are fine with it. That works, but your situation doesn’t.

Or you can continue and have fun while it lasts, when the resentment and toxicity bubbles up end it then. As long as you aren’t looking for marriage and children and do not get pregnant, that works too.

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Anonymous wrote:OP. I'm not talking about flying first class or front row tickets to Taylor Swift. I'm talking about a guy who just drove 10 hours to and from a midwestern state for a one-week vacation to save money on airfare. There's a point when your time should be more valuable.

Okay OP, I hear you. This not the man for you. Forget front row at Taylor Swift, you all just do not seem to have compatible lifestyles. He may be a nice guy, friendly etc, but when the rubber meets the road you all are “evenly yoked” to use a Bible term. And I sense that this has already gotten old for you. Keep him as a friend but not a romantic partner.

I'm not sure that is possible. The mojo is strong with this one. There is good chemistry.

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Anonymous wrote:Less is fine. I make more than DH, and have for as long as we've known each other. But if he doesn't make enough to be self-supporting, that is not workable. If you think he cannot afford any kind of date other than free, this is not a reasonable long-term prospect.

It's more likely that you are being dramatic to make yourself feel important, though.

He supports himself, just in a very modest way. He has some beliefs that I think have made it hard for him to earn more. He is very drawn to helping the downtrodden and outsiders, which is great but there are ways to do that that do not result in you yourself becoming one of them.