Anonymous
Post 07/30/2023 10:52     Subject: I don’t want to travel OR host for the holidays
Anonymous wrote:Narcissism is rampant in today’s society under the guise of “feminism”. You can be pro feminism AND kind AND support extended family. All I ever see on DCURBAN mom is selfishness to the core. If it’s not self serving, it’s called being “door mat” or “martyr”. What goes around, comes around is all I’m saying here.


I think you can be feminist AND kind AND supportive AND not travel or host every year.

I’ve got a lovely extended family (this is my aunt on my dad’s side). I knit blankets for all their new babies and send cards and even have hosted them for a very memorable Christmas dinner.

But **usually** we don’t host them for a Christmas, our get together is between Christmas and New Year (lots of trenchers on winter break.) Just because we don’t do something every year doesn’t mean we don’t love them.

My favorite Thanksgiving was COVID. I had a ten week old baby. My sister and parents-in-law all tested and came over for a potluck “just the sides” feast. It was tiny, intimate, loving and represented about 15% of the people in a normal year.
Anonymous
Post 07/30/2023 10:40     Subject: I don’t want to travel OR host for the holidays
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.


It is rude if the deal was alternating and OP’s family is still welcome on their years.


Alternating holidays is not a blood pact— it works if (and only if) it works for all the parties involved. OP is not required to travel, or to host, in the name of good manners if it doesn’t work for her. She SHOULD tell people soon so they can make alternative plans.


But it’s not faaaaaaair. Wah wah wah. If one side of the family is difficult to deal with, they aren’t going to be treated the same. This belief that you have to treat all the extended family the same is childish.


Convenient excuse if you just don’t like them.
Anonymous
Post 07/30/2023 10:29     Subject: I don’t want to travel OR host for the holidays
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.


It is rude if the deal was alternating and OP’s family is still welcome on their years.

It’s not a binding contract; you can change your mind as circumstances change. Sometimes you just aren’t up for it.


Well, then I hope she’s fairly “not up for” hosting her parents too. Otherwise it’s just undisguised favoritism and nothing more.


This attitude has never made sense to me. The choice of how to spend a holiday can actually be “we’re hosting the low maintenance guests who enrich our holiday but don’t require a lot of work on our part”

It’s not engraved on a holy tablet that we have to exhaust ourselves every year and the sooner people start acting that way the sooner we’ll have fewer Christmas threads here…


Guarantee OP’s husband doesn’t agree they should only spend holidays with her parents from now on.


That isn’t what the OP is suggesting (or what I’m saying). If someone is six months from Christmas looking out and dreading the work of a particular set of guests this year, it’s wholly reasonable to say, you know what, this year I want to hit the easy button on the holidays.

That means *next year* OP might not be dreading the holiday season and has the energy to travel or to host.

I have a friend whose parents were so insanely hell-bent on “fair” and exactly even and every holiday had to have perfectly matched time for each family, and now that friend goes in a cruise every year for Christmas, with her in laws. She told her mom the in laws pay and she doesn’t feel comfortable arguing about the dates, but it’s not true, she just gave up on a demanding person at the holidays.



The dreaded scorekeeper parents. They spend most of their visit ruining what time they have complaining. Ugh.
Anonymous
Post 07/30/2023 10:29     Subject: I don’t want to travel OR host for the holidays
PP who now travels for holidays.

Advice to my younger self - establish boundaries and your own traditions as newlyweds and new parents. It’s tough to take a newborn or very young children and split the holidays with both sets of parents.

We gradually began hosting to avoid all the local travel but that came with its own complications and a huge crowd! We tried going out for a thanksgiving sit down meal but that was oddly sterile and didn’t foster fun especially with young DC and cousins.

Our DC begged us for a quiet, “just us” Thanksgiving and Christmas.

This year, we plan to travel and have dinner with one of my siblings.
Anonymous
Post 07/30/2023 10:25     Subject: I don’t want to travel OR host for the holidays
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.


It is rude if the deal was alternating and OP’s family is still welcome on their years.

It’s not a binding contract; you can change your mind as circumstances change. Sometimes you just aren’t up for it.


Mine did. His parents are awful.

Well, then I hope she’s fairly “not up for” hosting her parents too. Otherwise it’s just undisguised favoritism and nothing more.


This attitude has never made sense to me. The choice of how to spend a holiday can actually be “we’re hosting the low maintenance guests who enrich our holiday but don’t require a lot of work on our part”

It’s not engraved on a holy tablet that we have to exhaust ourselves every year and the sooner people start acting that way the sooner we’ll have fewer Christmas threads here…


Guarantee OP’s husband doesn’t agree they should only spend holidays with her parents from now on.
Anonymous
Post 07/30/2023 10:23     Subject: I don’t want to travel OR host for the holidays
Anonymous wrote:What I will say is be careful of favoring one set of parents over the other, particularly when the issues are minor and not about abuse. Your kids are watching you and you're teaching them how to value extended family - which you will someday be.


Sigh. You post this every time there is a discussion about extended family. So useless and dumb.
Anonymous
Post 07/30/2023 10:21     Subject: I don’t want to travel OR host for the holidays
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s not rude to neither host nor travel.


It is rude if the deal was alternating and OP’s family is still welcome on their years.


Alternating holidays is not a blood pact— it works if (and only if) it works for all the parties involved. OP is not required to travel, or to host, in the name of good manners if it doesn’t work for her. She SHOULD tell people soon so they can make alternative plans.


But it’s not faaaaaaair. Wah wah wah. If one side of the family is difficult to deal with, they aren’t going to be treated the same. This belief that you have to treat all the extended family the same is childish.
Anonymous
Post 07/30/2023 10:03     Subject: I don’t want to travel OR host for the holidays
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Tell your husband to host it and own the process. His family


NO, dear. It's supposed to be OUR family. You're married, right?


I married my husband, not his family. I like them and do lots for them when they visit, but if and when I’m burned out or they act up (thankfully rare), then I step out and let DH handle his people.
Anonymous
Post 07/30/2023 09:58     Subject: I don’t want to travel OR host for the holidays
Anonymous wrote:Narcissism is rampant in today’s society under the guise of “feminism”. You can be pro feminism AND kind AND support extended family. All I ever see on DCURBAN mom is selfishness to the core. If it’s not self serving, it’s called being “door mat” or “martyr”. What goes around, comes around is all I’m saying here.


+ 1 million. The attitudes and comments here are shocking to me.
Anonymous
Post 07/30/2023 09:57     Subject: I don’t want to travel OR host for the holidays
Anonymous wrote:Tell your husband to host it and own the process. His family


NO, dear. It's supposed to be OUR family. You're married, right?
Anonymous
Post 07/30/2023 09:51     Subject: I don’t want to travel OR host for the holidays
Narcissism is rampant in today’s society under the guise of “feminism”. You can be pro feminism AND kind AND support extended family. All I ever see on DCURBAN mom is selfishness to the core. If it’s not self serving, it’s called being “door mat” or “martyr”. What goes around, comes around is all I’m saying here.
Anonymous
Post 07/30/2023 09:45     Subject: I don’t want to travel OR host for the holidays
Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re struggling to find a polite way to say this because it’s a rude thing to say.


This. Suck it up for your kids. You are going to deprive them of holiday traditions. Get the food catered.


Deprive them of holiday traditions!? You are ridiculous.
Anonymous
Post 07/30/2023 09:43     Subject: I don’t want to travel OR host for the holidays
DH and so are locals and live in between our parents and most of our siblings.

We’ve started to travel at Thanksgiving and Christmas. New tradition.

Anonymous
Post 07/30/2023 09:43     Subject: I don’t want to travel OR host for the holidays
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion but people with this level of introvert/social anxiety should just stay single. Why bother marrying - which in and of itself is a silent contract of combining families.

I hope OP doesn't have kids.


What an unnecessarily hateful thing to say.

I’m not the OP but I’m an introvert, with social anxiety, who is married AND has a child. In your mind should I divorce and place my child for adoption?

It’s entirely possible to socialize and blend families without huge hosting responsibilities and massive groups of people. It’s entirely possible to build beautiful holidays that also include quiet, restorative time for the people who need it. The fact that you don’t understand that means, statistically, there is at least on miserable introvert in your life.
I hope it’s not your child.


+100

We have a sexist angry old biddy mil who is obsessed and constantly posts hateful comments to any woman who dares not to be a doormat martyr.
Anonymous
Post 07/30/2023 09:41     Subject: I don’t want to travel OR host for the holidays
Anonymous wrote:If “feminism” is Trader Joe’s frozen meals and instant ramen for dinner, then I guess I’m glad I’m not one. Your sons will thank me that I raised daughters who can and enjoy cooking and view it as valuable to family. I wish you all would raise your sons the same. I would be mortified if my daughters treated their in-laws the way many of you are proposing. How can you promote utter selfishness so boldly?


You are ridiculous and I know you are sexist as hell but try to cover it.