Anonymous wrote:Even when the DIL-MIL relationship isn't toxic it is still competitive in a turf battle sort of way. That's true in every dilmil relationship I've ever seen. I don't think there's any way to avoid it.

Of course there is. When I got married I tried really hard to have a good relationship with MIL. She was not having it. There is still a sense of “us” vs “them” in their family dynamic (that my DH doesn’t play into). Now that my own kids are getting older, I’m prepping myself for the idea that I won’t always come first. But I’m also letting them know we want relationships with them even after they get married. Another woman said to me recently that her DIL thought she knew her son better than she did and she was super angry about that. But her DIL is right and I’m willing to accept that. At some point my DC’s SO will know DC better than I will and will be first priority. I get that. I just don’t want it to get to the point where I only see them once a year or something.

Anonymous wrote:My MIL blames me for her poor relationship with her son. But the truth is, it's all him, and he doesn't like her and doesn't want to spend more time with her.

I suggest visiting her about twice as often as we actually go, because he hates visiting her. I've even suggested moving to a bigger home so that she could potentially come live with us, but DH vetoed that immediately. It's his family so I defer to him. I am really not bothered by her. She's annoying sometimes in the same way my own parents annoy me. But I don't have any beef with her.

My DH has a lot of resentments from things she did when he was growing up, and also her behavior since he became an adult (she can be very self-centered and she offers basically nothing in the form of emotional support, though she expects DH to provider her with emotional support on demeaned), and he just doesn't like her very much.

I'm fine if she wants to blame me for it, but it's sad that she doesn't realize she did this to herself.

I have a similar situation. She’s a pathological liar and has told her extended family I was the issue when really it was DH that put in the distance after she tried to break up our marriage after I gave birth to one of our children. It was I that encouraged reconciliation and I invited her to stay with us a few times. Yet I still hear the comments from her sisters. Now she’s in a home and things have been better for years but things were rough for a while.

Anonymous wrote:Historically most in-law relationships have been tense, toxic and traumatic. This conditioned women to despise the idea of having to deal with any. What advice would you give young women to establish good relations without compromising their own interests?

I disagree with your premise: I don't think anybody goes into a marriage expecting to dislike their in-laws. The conflict is "historical" because all 3-4 people involved (both spouses, both ILs if alive) have different exepectations that the others don't know about. And there's relatively little the DIL can do about it because the key players in this dynamic are the DH and the ILs, not the DIL.

A woman marrying a man should discuss with him how they'll handle in-law related things like visits, holidays, gifts, and aging care. But in addition, it's on the spouse (man in this situation) to communicate about that too, and stick to what's agreed or to renegotiate it. And, it's on the in-laws to realize that their child is starting a new nuclear family that will be his priority, and which they are not directly a part of.

That adage "You're not losing a son, you're gaining a daughter" is BS. I'm not my IL's daughter. I have my own parents who need my attention. And, while they're not exactly losing a son, when he marries (and especially when he has kids) he is shifting away from them in an important way. The IL's feelings about "losing a son" are not something I can control or should really be a part of, except to avoid interfering: the relationship is between them and DH.

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Anonymous wrote:Don’t ever pick up the rope.

And when the Inlaws dont want to babysit or pay to vacation with you, you'll be on here complaining. Nothing inlaws love more than an icy princess for a DIL.

Whether I am an icy princess or not, the relationship m in-laws have with my family is the relationship they have with THEIR son and his children. I am not going to facilitate it for him.

Add self centered to your resume. Not talking about you being the savior in your husbands relationship with his family. I am talking about you personally not trying to have any relationship with them. They don’t stand a chance from the beginning to try to have a good relationship with you. What a treat you are.

DP. I'm sorry you have your internalized misogyny it makes you think that not taking responsibility for something that isn't yours to "own" is being 'self-centered'.

Not taking the lead facilitator role is not the same thing as rejecting a relationship.

I’m sorry your can’t comprehend what I am saying. Bless your heart.

Again and again your posts are nasty and insulting. If you are the poster who mentioned having married daughters I have a feeling you are a mil too and are having issues. You are clearly controlling and overbearing.

DP here. If she has married daughters then she is a MIL to her son in laws. You are clearly not very sharp and perhaps you are a DIL having issues? You sound too immature and not a particularly pleasant person

Once you are married, you should not expect any financial or logistical help from parents or ILs. If they give it to you, thank them and be grateful. It is your turn to look after them.

Facilitate the relationships in a scheduled manner. This sets up expectations that you control.

I organize a family potluck at my ILs home every month. They live next to my aunt in law. My DH, his brother and his cousin help with handyman duties, decluttering, organizing, yard work and car servicing. I have a hairdresser neighbor who comes and gives everyone a haircut - ILs, aunt, children, grandchildren.
My SILs and I, go over the pantry, medicines, fridge etc, change bedsheets. I provide feet care for my ILs and aunt and clip their nails etc. Jointly, we have managed to keep our elderly parents independent in their own homes surrounded by family and friends. Even during the COVID lockdowns. We are able to do this because all of this is on a schedule.

I am a DIL.

Anonymous wrote:DCUM posters expect inlaws/parents to give free childcare, free house cleaning, financial he rlp when needed and still hate them.

I’ve never met a single dil like this. In this area it is far more common that people don’t have that help.

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Anonymous wrote:Don’t ever pick up the rope.

And when the Inlaws dont want to babysit or pay to vacation with you, you'll be on here complaining. Nothing inlaws love more than an icy princess for a DIL.

Whether I am an icy princess or not, the relationship m in-laws have with my family is the relationship they have with THEIR son and his children. I am not going to facilitate it for him.

Add self centered to your resume. Not talking about you being the savior in your husbands relationship with his family. I am talking about you personally not trying to have any relationship with them. They don’t stand a chance from the beginning to try to have a good relationship with you. What a treat you are.

DP. I'm sorry you have your internalized misogyny it makes you think that not taking responsibility for something that isn't yours to "own" is being 'self-centered'.

Not taking the lead facilitator role is not the same thing as rejecting a relationship.

I’m sorry your can’t comprehend what I am saying. Bless your heart.

Again and again your posts are nasty and insulting. If you are the poster who mentioned having married daughters I have a feeling you are a mil too and are having issues. You are clearly controlling and overbearing.

Anonymous wrote:Women are conditioned to despise their own mothers, not to mention other people's.

This is utter bs. The bitter mil who is obsessed and keeps starting these posts needs therapy. What is your story bitter mil?

You clearly are the type, when hearing someone has been abused, will minimize it and tell the person to just get over it. Women have dealt with your type forever.

From her posts it’s clear there is something going on in her family. Is alcoholism a problem in your life bitter mil? Drug abuse.

My MIL blames me for her poor relationship with her son. But the truth is, it's all him, and he doesn't like her and doesn't want to spend more time with her.

I suggest visiting her about twice as often as we actually go, because he hates visiting her. I've even suggested moving to a bigger home so that she could potentially come live with us, but DH vetoed that immediately. It's his family so I defer to him. I am really not bothered by her. She's annoying sometimes in the same way my own parents annoy me. But I don't have any beef with her.

My DH has a lot of resentments from things she did when he was growing up, and also her behavior since he became an adult (she can be very self-centered and she offers basically nothing in the form of emotional support, though she expects DH to provider her with emotional support on demeaned), and he just doesn't like her very much.

I'm fine if she wants to blame me for it, but it's sad that she doesn't realize she did this to herself.

Anonymous wrote:I think people should walk into in-law relationships with a positive attitude. In my family, in-law relationships are anything but toxic. Were my grandparents perfect? No, but my mother had a wonderful relationship with my dad's parents and my father treated my mom's parents with the same respect he treated his parents. They modeled what an in-law relationship should look like so when I got married, I expected to have the same type of relationship. And I do--my ILs are awesome. My MIL is one of the best people I know and I think of her as my second mom.

Maybe I'm just extremely lucky but in my family, there is no such thing as an in-law. Once you marry in, you are family. Period.

Ok, what would you do if you MIL referred to your kids as her children? And insist they move to stay and grow up with her? The case in point involves a representative of a more traditional culture who thinks she owns the family, i.e.unspoken matriarchate.

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Anonymous wrote:One day your kids (assuming you have them) will be grown and married and you will be an in law yourself. Understand that the in laws want a relationship with their child but that MIL isn’t your competition.

Tell my mil that.

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Anonymous wrote:One day your kids (assuming you have them) will be grown and married and you will be an in law yourself. Understand that the in laws want a relationship with their child but that MIL isn’t your competition.

Tell my mil that.

DCUM posters expect inlaws/parents to give free childcare, free house cleaning, financial he rlp when needed and still hate them.

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Anonymous wrote:My advice would be similar to the advice I give regarding choosing a partner:
Recognize your value
Understand what your boundaries are and maintain them
Be flexible, kind and polite but don't be guilted or pushed
You are not responsible for managing someone else's feelings
Do not take responsibility for things that are not yours to be responsible for

I come from a dysfunctional family of origin and had worked really hard to understand it before I even met DH. It took me a while to see his family dysfunction because it was far more subtle than mine - but no less toxic. Because of the work I'd done prior, I was able to avoid getting sucked into their drama but there was a lot of backlash that nearly derailed our relationship because DH didn't see it and/or was too uncomfortable to address it. Now that the older generation is dead, DH and his same aged relations are better able to see it and my relationship with his side of the family is really good. I love the younger generation and am close to a lot of them but I'm still a bit reserved with those who are my age/older - lingering trust issues. They stood by either silent or complicit while I was bashed.

Yep. If you can stick it out eventually time will take care of things. 👍

+2

Excellent points made on this post, thank you. Your DH's family issues are not your issues, don't let them be put on you!

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Anonymous wrote:Don’t ever pick up the rope.

And when the Inlaws dont want to babysit or pay to vacation with you, you'll be on here complaining. Nothing inlaws love more than an icy princess for a DIL.

Whether I am an icy princess or not, the relationship m in-laws have with my family is the relationship they have with THEIR son and his children. I am not going to facilitate it for him.

Add self centered to your resume. Not talking about you being the savior in your husbands relationship with his family. I am talking about you personally not trying to have any relationship with them. They don’t stand a chance from the beginning to try to have a good relationship with you. What a treat you are.

DP. I'm sorry you have your internalized misogyny it makes you think that not taking responsibility for something that isn't yours to "own" is being 'self-centered'.

Not taking the lead facilitator role is not the same thing as rejecting a relationship.

I’m sorry your can’t comprehend what I am saying. Bless your heart.