Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is her husband a stranger to you or something? Why don’t you ask him what’s going on before you become a homewrecker?

It's the content of the message, not the person who delivers the message, that threatens to wreck the marriage.

Well, it’s actually both. Things can have multiple “but for” causes.

OP - this is what you do. This information is not yours to keep. Or to share with anyone other than your friend. You say : listen, this is info I wish I didn’t have. But I do, and can’t un-know it. It is yours to do with what you will. We don’t ever have to talk about it if you don’t want. But I am here if you do want to talk. I am not here to judge what you decide to do with info.” And then tell her. And tell her that you won’t talk to anyone about it (other than therapist etc). If you have photos - ask if she wants them. Then send them to her and then delete them.

Anonymous wrote:Is her husband a stranger to you or something? Why don’t you ask him what’s going on before you become a homewrecker?

It's the content of the message, not the person who delivers the message, that threatens to wreck the marriage.

Anonymous wrote:FWIW. I (male) found out years ago that a neighborhood dad/husband to one of my wife’s closest friends was cheating. Regularly. He’d get drunk and brag about it with the guys. (And as an aside, he was not remotely alone on this point, so many of you should think long and hard about whether you actually, truly would want to know and have your lives ripped apart… because by my count it’s minimum 50% in our neighborhood.)

Anyway, I never told DW or anyone else for that matter. Years later, they’re still together, in a very clearly loving relationship, they’ve raised 3 outstanding kids together.

I have no idea whether he still cheats or not. I don’t really care either way. But I am certain that those 5 lives are far better now than they would have been had I (or anyone else) made the decision to stick my nose in and (in all likelihood) break up that family 10+ years ago.

+1 Excellent point

0ne more thing....

If you choose not to tell her, and someday she finds out and tells you, DO NOT tell her that you already knew. That could really hurt her and potentially destroy your friendship.

FWIW. I (male) found out years ago that a neighborhood dad/husband to one of my wife’s closest friends was cheating. Regularly. He’d get drunk and brag about it with the guys. (And as an aside, he was not remotely alone on this point, so many of you should think long and hard about whether you actually, truly would want to know and have your lives ripped apart… because by my count it’s minimum 50% in our neighborhood.)

Anyway, I never told DW or anyone else for that matter. Years later, they’re still together, in a very clearly loving relationship, they’ve raised 3 outstanding kids together.

I have no idea whether he still cheats or not. I don’t really care either way. But I am certain that those 5 lives are far better now than they would have been had I (or anyone else) made the decision to stick my nose in and (in all likelihood) break up that family 10+ years ago.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to know for health reasons.

Blah blah blah

Says the cheater.

Always amazes me, the people on DCUM who insist that STIs are no big deal. Maybe they're walking around with them, blithely infecting others, and don't give a f*** about doing so.

Not a cheater, but as an FYI a lot of good, moral people live with STIs and infect others as well. Stop talking like only disgusting low life’s get infected. You’re not above everyone else.

Anonymous wrote:I would not tell. He will deny, she might go hard core denial, and both of them despise you.

This. Also...if you know, she probably also knows and is in denial or just ignoring it. I would let my husband have an affair if it kept my family together. A lot of us would.

Anonymous wrote:I know for certain. And I’m 99 percent certain she does not know. It’s really eating at me, she is a very close friend.

If she is an authentic GOOD friend then the obvious answer here would of course be an astounding YES!

Just make sure you can offer some concrete proof since even w/the best of intentions here - most people would not be too happy to hear that they are being cheated on & would likely be in denial initially.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she finds out and finds out YOU knew and didn’t tell her, she’s never going to want to speak to you again. It feels like a DOUBLE betrayal. Anyone who knew and didn’t tell me, or aided in an alibi are dead to me.

+1 Part of the shame in betrayal is feeling absolute embarrassment that all of these other people knew while it was going on and you were clueless. It’s the worst feeling.

Yeah. That’s exactly why you keep your mouth shut. Forever.

I can understand the argument for telling her. I disagree with it, but there’s like a reasonable view there that people can disagree on.

However, so many of you are just very obviously getting horny and foaming at the mouth about the notion of creating some Big Drama. It’s gross.

NO. You took thAt the absolute wrong way!!! I was glad I finally was made privy. It would be worst for them all to be talking behind my back for 10 more years with me still in the dark. Duh

Big surprise. The jilted ex-wife, clearly still carrying around massive baggage of her own, wants others’ lives ruined as well. (She also uses “worst” as a comparative, but I digress.)

OP, ask yourself if this is the kind of person whose advice you should follow.

MYOB.

Exactly. She clearly just wants everyone to be as miserable as she is.

I’d tell her. It’s the right thing to do. You may lose the friendship or lose it for a while. But you know it’s the right thing to do.

A sort of related situation: My friend’s husband was cheating on her. They had a few young kids. She suspected, but wasn’t sure. I then knew for sure, saw him with her, but I also knew my friend wouldn’t leave him at that time, because she was insecure to the nth degree and emotionally fragile. When my friend was stronger - once she had started taking care of herself, could envision a life without him, I shared the proof I had. It still rocked her world to know for sure, but she could handle the info. But guess what? She didn’t leave him. She did, however, start cheating on HIM and plans to leave him when her kids are a bit older. You never know what someone will want to do, but you can put out a feeler and get a sense for how she might react. The key is to let her know you love her and support her no matter what, if they stay with them, work on the marriage, stay but hate them, leave them, decide to open the marriage, whatever. People process at their own pace. These things aren’t linear. They won’t know themselves until they start working through the shock, grief, anger, disgust, contempt, detachment, whatever it is they personally experience.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she finds out and finds out YOU knew and didn’t tell her, she’s never going to want to speak to you again. It feels like a DOUBLE betrayal. Anyone who knew and didn’t tell me, or aided in an alibi are dead to me.

+1 Part of the shame in betrayal is feeling absolute embarrassment that all of these other people knew while it was going on and you were clueless. It’s the worst feeling.

Yeah. That’s exactly why you keep your mouth shut. Forever.

I can understand the argument for telling her. I disagree with it, but there’s like a reasonable view there that people can disagree on.

However, so many of you are just very obviously getting horny and foaming at the mouth about the notion of creating some Big Drama. It’s gross.

NO. You took thAt the absolute wrong way!!! I was glad I finally was made privy. It would be worst for them all to be talking behind my back for 10 more years with me still in the dark. Duh

Big surprise. The jilted ex-wife, clearly still carrying around massive baggage of her own, wants others’ lives ruined as well. (She also uses “worst” as a comparative, but I digress.)

OP, ask yourself if this is the kind of person whose advice you should follow.

MYOB.

Anonymous wrote:Anonymous email

+1

You tell the husband you know and tell him he can end it or you will tell her. Don’t stick your nose in her marriage.